Cherished Misery, Inc.

18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18

2012-02-01T10:36:00.000-08:00

Holy BIG EYES Batman!

Yay for my sproglette being the one who exploded from my vagina 18 yrs ago today. HURRAY!!

Sure – she infuriates me on a consistent basis...belittles me...mocks me...scares the ever-loving shit out of me...judges me...swears at me...communicates poorly...laughs at me...never asks to make me a cup of tea...or a meal...leaves a trail of mess everywhere...but I wouldn’t trade her for anything.

Today young A. gets to VOTE....and PAY TAXES! What a perk....vote and pay taxes but can’t legally drink...or buy scratch n win tickets.

Like everything else in life it seems these moments of monumental memory remain just those...memories with no real fireworks aside from the brain explosions I self-induce in my own head. I walk around on days like today in awe that on the day of the birth of my fabulous little human girl child there are still homeless ppl asleep on the sidewalks downtown...and people still wandering around looking unhappy...ON SUCH A DAY AS THIS!

My lovely little arm licker!

What the hell is wrong with people? Don’t they know how this person transformed me and the people around her in ways we cannot even articulate? Don’t they realize the impact of her existence on the universe...? Hmmmf...I will keep it all to myself...revelling in her annoying teenage rage, lack of life experience and her crippling beautiful glow...oh yes I am a fucking poet today aren’t I? How can I help it? When a person’s vagina is obliterated by a force as strong as this - one can’t help but feel poetic and muse about the fantastical little human that has imprinted on me...actually I imprinted on her....I think she is far less attached to me than I am to her...she has always been a secure little free-spirit. She had moments of clinginess which I always enjoyed...and still do occasionally but she really is and always has been her own little force of nature. She will do well in life...

Happy 18th Birthday
A-Y-L-A – J-U-N-I-P-E-R!! xo

just call me...LOU FERRIGNO

2012-01-31T14:36:00.000-08:00

Isn’t it sad now that when you call a company and speak to ‘customer service agent’ that it is due diligence to call back again and speak to a different agent to insure you were given the correct information? When wait times on the phone can be horrendous this chronic customer service failure that plagues us all is REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.

Ayla’s grad pics came...and of course the agent I spoke to was a big dumb liar a-hole and the touch up was not done and for 370.00 I do not want to see chapped lips (full hair and makeup and Ayla forgot her chap stick ffs...don’t worry I got her lots for her birthday)...so I call knowing already that I simply send them back on their dime and they redo them...only I get told that touch up requires another 28.00 HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA By now I have a good sense of humour about this and just laugh...rather manically I am sure...but laugh I did. I don’t even care b/c I am in so deep now who cares hahahaha plus they are FANTASTICALLY BEAUTIFUL so...it is worth it.

Ayla’s 18 tomorrow... YAY! YAY! YAY! I am being a mean mom and making her wait til dinner to have her pressies. We are going for dinner...the 2 of us...restaurant was up to her...so it looks like it’ll be 5th Street Bar & Grill or San Remos. Pretty low key...

I am now a fan of the UNDERWORLD movie series....saw all 4 this weekend and lurve em...not sure why I never saw them before...flew under my radar I guess...cute vampire chicks in gothy get ups are awesome b/c that means hot vampire hybrids etc are in the vicinity! Pure escapism.

Well...It is OUT...cousin Maggie is expecting another bambino! YAYYYYYYYYY!! Ayla & I are super excited for her & David....and Squid of course who will get to be a big brother sometime around September. EXCITING EXCITING EXCITING!

My teeth are still not near normal but the worst has passed so now it’ll likely drag on forever at this half assed ok/so not ok stage...nothing fatal...just another common annoyance in life that makes you sigh long and loud.

I spent yesterday with Kate....we saw a weird movie (HAYWIRE), ate too many scones and ate too much bread and popcorn...hung out while we both displayed our fantastic sewing skills (good lord)...dreamt about winning the lottery...tonight I am gunna go dine with an old co-worker and eat some Vietnamese food (not dogs)...

Bacon Xmas Tree Ornaments

2012-01-26T07:06:00.001-08:00

Jan 25 2012 007, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

omg....these are SO awesome...Sarah came over and we crafted and even though it took a few hrs to make these retarded things...I will make more while watching tv in the evenings I think....(You can tell which one I made b/c I was stoned and my fatty strips are going BACKWARDS hahaha)

I am just SO cultured...

2012-01-24T20:35:00.000-08:00

...sitting here listening to Beethoven via cellos and piano while the wind batters the shit out of side of my bldg. Beethoven helps me mouth right now...at least that's what I keep saying over and over as my mantra b/c quite honestly I am that desperate. It has occurred to me that 2 yrs ago when this tooth issue arose after getting a big/deep filling (I wish I meant that as dirty as it sounds) that I probably required a root canal...esp. since 2 yrs later - thought it improved - I still couldn't eat on that side of my mouth....now that its been drilled and refilled its awoken the nerve that took me 2 yrs to get tolerable...I should go in and tell her to either RC it or yank it...but...the thought of anyone going near it makes my butt hole pucker. I am really hoping in the next 2 weeks if I favor the shit out of it and stick to really soft food it will settle enough so that I am not going out of my mind. As it stands...when it's ringing (that is how I refer to it when it makes every tooth in my mouth feel like they are electric and someones dumped water on them) it is hard to not punch myself in the face repeatedly...this is hard to deal with at work...when I leave it I make so many mistakes b/c I can't think...when I drug myself I actually don't make mistakes but I am going at a snails pace which is REALLY weird.

Anyhow...fuck this tooth business.......................

Last night Tara and baby Issac came over for dinner and a visit...he is a precious little bugger...I fed him a bottle which was really weird but I just faked it and in my mind I was nursing him...is that weird? Probably - whatever. HAHA! He is cute as a button...& Tara brought me a disco bath duck so it was a good night all around!
Tomorrow night Sarah is coming over and we are doing a NEW craft...a craft I have been wanting to do for some time in some capacity so................it is gunna be FUN! Plus Sarah is always nice to visit with...even if your face is ringing via the Bell of Toothed Death. I am really unimpressed with burning thought my T3 stash...I like saving those for...well times like this...but...you know...I hate using them! I like knowing that they are there...in case my gallbladder haunts me....j/k

I have a funny Nickelback story to share but I don't feel like it right now...another time...but the cat story I am up for....
I noticed the cat was meowing and begging for food when there was still a few bits of kibble in her bowl...so I was trying to get her to eat it...by leaving it there and not filling the bowl...didn't work. Then I added a few fresh ones and mixed it all in in hopes she would chow it all down. Nope. I tried refilling it but then SURE AS SHIT when it was time to refill she left 10 pieces of kibble again and would not actually empty the bowl...so I thought maybe it was the bowl so I got rid of it and put her food on a little plate...(it looks weird I know) but she still would leave 10 pieces of gawd damn kibble on the plate........................WHAT THE HELL!? I am no stranger to power struggles...I live with a teenage girl...so...what the hell though? I don't REALLY care if the cat leaves a bit of food...perhaps she has all along and I just decided to notice this week...? I dunno but I said screw it to the campaign to get the cat to eat 10 kibbles and just have been refilling her bowl regardless of their presence...personally I think the cat was just mind-fucking me on purpose for kitty kicks.

Windy City Tonight

2012-01-21T19:15:00.000-08:00

Attractive isn't it...? Dental dams are the DEVIL.

The wind is shaking the whole bldg tonight...Not sure how bad they are out there but they are impressing me in here...inside in the warmth...

My dental nightmare is complete for this round but it will take a few days to have my face feel ok I suspect...I won't bore you with the sad story of my nerve issues on the upper left side of my mouth but I will tell you - next time...if I need anything else done to either of those 2 back molars I am demanding they get pulled b/c the nerve issues - I am done with that shit.

I did find it amusing that I asked for a dbl dose of freezing and it ended up going up into my eye...hahah FROZEN EYE IS WEIRD. Also - a noteworthy piece of advice...1 hr and 50 mins of being upsidedown in a dentists chair renders you completely unable to walk properly for 10 mins.
The dentist asked me how I felt and I was honest and said "It feels like I just gave birth out of my mouth." That was a new one for her.

Last night Ryan McMahon was in town...it is always nice to see him and Cathleen...I effing LURVE Cathleen...she is just one of those people you WANT to know...Ryan sounded good and his percussion pal Mitch was fab. CAJON's are awesome....if you have never seen/heard one before it's a box drummers sit on and play like drums only it's just a box they tap and such...Mitch has designed his own called the 'MitchSlap' and it sounds pretty incredible esp with all the gadgets he uses for effects - every area of the box is rigged inside for a different sound...you can check it out here...

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;;&amp;amp;lt;span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% yellow;" class="goog-spellcheck-word"&amp;amp;gt;br&amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

Great show! I love it...

Can't believe my sprog is going to be 18 in a week or so...HOW WEIRD! We are going to go for sushi on her b'day...me, Pam and Maggie got her 4 mths of unlimited yoga for her b'day so she is STOKED...I have a few other things for her but they are for the day of her b'day.
She went up to an orientation/info session at Camosun College the other night...checking things out...still undecided but getting prepped to make some choices in the next year... :o)

Stay tuned for my CAT SHOWDOWN.

I feel like I just gave birth through my mouth...

2012-01-19T21:02:00.000-08:00

I hate the dentist.
She makes me feel bad EVERY.TIME.I.SEE.HER.
Not just b/c she blathers on with the assistant about her yoga, spin and Pilates classes...or b/c she has perfect skin...she meddles with my mouth chi.
I am no longer frozen but my mouth is killing me...so I am going to sleep b/c I do not want to be conscious for this...if it turns out I cannot sleep...
I will be back.
And you will all be sorry.

Soap

2012-01-14T23:50:00.001-08:00

Ayla bought me a bar of soap today from Lush.

It smells of roses and almonds.

It smells CREAMY if you can begin to imagine what I mean by that....

Nice girl...buying her mommy soap.

The Dill Conspiracy

2012-01-11T10:24:00.000-08:00

What is going on with taste buds when you bite into a chicken sandwich and get the wild taste of wasabi when you are 100% sure nothing about your sandwich came into contact with wasabi? So weird. It is like my problem with mint tea...I can’t drink it anymore...all I SMELL is dill pickles when I drink it. I love dill pickles but I don’t like dill pickle tea. I have never been in love with mint...toothpaste is disgusting and so are most of the alternatives...aside from the RED Cinnamon Close Up brand...I guess mint and I were not meant to be... ::sigh::

We have this really annoying courier who comes in daily...it’s like he should be a creepy camp counsellor...when we sign for the package he says “WELL DONE!” like we are potty training and just poo’d in the toilet for the 1st time ever. He is uber annoying positive cheerleader guy “HAVE A GREAT DAY!” - “WELL DONE!” – “FANTASTIC!” – “THAT’S SUPER!”...needless to say no one can stand him...I like to mess with him & make him uncomfortable by being as inappropriate as I can get away with professionally...he was in one day and there was also a really cute young (16) Venezuelan student in here who I was helping and I made a point to say in front of her to him “Stare much?” and then giggled a little...he was mortified and I was pleased b/c she didn’t know English well enough to catch on but he did not know that. Bahahahah! (Bad person I know)

I would kill a bunny wearing a cute bow tie for a nap right now...this morning I got up at the usual 5:30 am and went straight to the couch to nap until 6:15...fuggggg man I am dragging ass. I wish I had a cot in my cubicle...I could probably lay on the floor and have a really good nap but...I’d have to be desperate to lay on this nasty carpet.

It was bound to happen...right?

2012-01-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

After coming to the conclusion I am in a stagnant emotional realm of stuckidity (I made that word up) it seems clear too much time has been wasted being angry and pissed off and living life full of regret and personal limitations. It has become obvious that there is much work to be done. How does a person simply release 40 years worth of rage so it doesn’t continue eating from within? It’s not like there is a little pressure release valve where I could slowly let some of it go...so what can I do to create my own little release valves? {I am typing completely spontaneously and have no idea where my brain is about to go}

I am not going to document my ideas here b/c then it seems like it is a signed contract...gawd knows just b/c I know what to do to improve my life doesn’t mean I have the skill, incentive or emotional health to carry it out...at least that has been how it has been. The crook of it is I see quite clearly while looking ahead at the next year or 2 that if I do not shake my branches and scare out the old yet familiar dysfunctional squirrels that are roosting in my psyche – it will be my doom. Doom meaning ZERO PROGRESS.

I do not really want any advice so please don’t feel compelled to send me a list of books on spirituality b/c then I won’t want to be your friend anymore (haha)...I am simply opening myself up to being truly mindful about where I am at and looking into how I can ease the floundering that has become consistent with who I am in my head.

This is not going to be a simple transition by any means...having talked with Connie about this last night and feeling myself getting really emotional about where I am within myself (I seldom react this way with friends though I have a mutual trust with Connie that is unequaled in any of my relationships so it makes sense that I can go to such places with her)...A consistent thought in my mind has plagued me for many years...I was in counseling about 12ish yrs ago and during an appointment I was asked a simple question and my reaction speaks volumes. I was asked “who has hurt you the most in your life?” – Easy question...right? Well...no. Not really - judging from how I reacted...my reaction being NO REACTION – outwardly anyway.

I was paralyzed. Unable to speak...unable to flee. I was like a drugged person conscious but unable to move limbs or talk...I sat there making the silence more uncomfortable for me by the millisecond...not a sound could leave my lips...it seems like FOR-FUCKING-EVER. Having picked up on this, the counsellor made note by saying I needed to be mindful of this reaction and eventually moved on...and mindful I have been. It is not my nature to be speechless...or not have something to say even if I don’t know what to say...I think ti was the wording...if she had asked me who has pissed me off the most in my life I could have gone on for an hour just to start. But 'hurt' is a vulnerability I clearly like to avoid.

Everybody gets fucked over and hurt in the process of growing up & living life – it is part of being human and interacting with other humans...I am not some sort of special victim of this by any means...I have not experienced war-time torture or heinous sexual abuse at the hands of a perverted clown or anything completely fucked up out of a true crime novel...but what I am discovering is it is not so much WHAT it is that hurts people it is how we as people process, react and cope with it and it has become fairly clear to me that I have really shitty coping skills...I am also blindingly sensitive – this is not a great combo. Abandonment, betrayal, neglect and rejection in my life manifested in a great amount of rage that I have not so stoically turned inward over time...and I guess it is time to take a look at all this rage inducing shit that I have clearly been sweeping under the rug my whole life.

Don’t worry...this is a solo exercise...no one should feel frightened to expect a letter from me pointing fingers or throwing blame around...I am gratefully beyond that...what’s done is done and most of it I know was unintentional and without malice...and IT ( IT being the acts committing pain, hurt, betrayal, rejections etc) doesn’t really matter anymore...what matters is me changing how I feel and treat myself...self loathing and rage are part of who I am and I clearly need to replace some of that with something a little more positive...and productive. Even I am a little tired or rage and self loathing defining who I am as a person. It is a trip worth taking.

Forgiveness of others and self seem to be the key to stepping forward from the veil of nasty filth that has become me inside my head...how to get there – I am not sure but...wtf...may as well walk the walk.

Monday Blabiddy Blab Blab...

2012-01-09T15:28:00.000-08:00

I had the best laugh last night...going through my keepsake suitcase...coming across some of A’s items...emails to me when she was 10 about Gramma calling Avril Lavigne a hooker and deeply offending A...and her funny little cards...so absolutely hilarious to me all her little stories and cleverness...then it got me thinking that A. turns 18 in a few weeks. I have been pondering the empty nest syndrome a lot recently...she doesn’t appear to be leaving any time soon but...it’s coming around the mountain (you are welcome for me putting that tune in your head today)...the full circle of it all. Thinking back to where I was BEFORE she was here...thinking I am not all that better off aside from experience and age now that she is reaching the age of flight.

Interesting to me...you know all that ‘progress’ ppl supposedly make...yeah I have grown up and am certainly better prepared for life etc but I am grappling with the concept that EMOTIONALLY I am as wounded and decrepit as I was in 1994. WTF IS THAT ABOUT?! I may be headed into midlife crisis mode. Not too sure. Guess I will have to make the effort to meet someone I can stand in 2012 and see if that can benefit me as a distractionary measure.

A. seems to have survived the horrible stomach flu but is still unable to eat b/c it makes her sick. I am walking around with my fingers crossed that I will not get struck by the flu fairy b/c I do NOT wanna be barf sick like A. was. No. No. No. I vomited my share already being pregnant and have no desire to revisit that place.

I have ordered the grad pics...the website was easy enough to navigate but that just seemed like they were kind enough to use lube on your before they bum raped you. I am not gunna go on and on about the cost of it b/c ultimately it was my choice to order them regardless of the ridiculous price so screw it. They are lovely and it’s a memento and PROOF of sorts that we both accomplished something throughout this crazy 18 yrs together! –Though I am sure she would say I had nothing to do with anything she has done haha--

I cannot tell you the level of yearning I have for going home tonight and taking all my restrictive clothing off and putting on jammies and drinking tea while I do absolutely whatever the heck I want. You know the drill...walking in the door – kick shoes off, hang up keys, greet the cat & child, hang up coat and bag, socks immediately off and left in pile on the floor some sometimes days at a time, bathroom for the customary post-work pee &/or poop & tetris game, strip naked after washing hands and sneak into bedroom to put on jammies (or a mu mu as A. loves to refer to a nighty as) and then usually quite MIRACULOUSLY I have all the energy in the world that I did not have ALL DAMN DAY LONG...

I would like to publically thank KELLY M. for a comment he made recently as I was fretting about the impending ~~doom~~ trip A. is taking to Mexico in March...he simply said something to the effect of more Canadians are murdered in Canada than in Mexico so she is probably safer in Mexico. I like the way you think Kelly M. I owe you LUNCH next time I am in Courtenay!

JFC!

2012-01-06T05:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Mexico...please stop murdering Canadians 2 months before my precious daughter is visiting you. I am fragile in the "overactive imagination department" as it is.

Signed,

Basket-case Mother

ABSENT

2012-01-04T15:04:00.000-08:00

ABSENT

Documentary on Fatherlessness

by Justin Hunt

TRAILER
My copy arrived and I felt myself instantly less excited to watch it. The truth of it is fatherlessness plagues my whole family. My mother and her siblings often had no father around due to working away and he was not always engaged with the needs of his children when he was around. My cousins as well - though they did luck out and end up with a decent step father who really picked up the slack...in turn it meant his biological children grew up without their father around...I grew up fatherless or as a red-headed step child (who was not a red head). Father figures in my life equate to rejection, fear, abuse, psychological warfare and indifference...and look...my own daughter has grown up fatherless. See the cycle here? It is very intertwined with poverty and other great social issues.

None of this is news of course. I went into this documentary already an expert in the field. Some of the people in it were interesting and had some good insight for sure and practical real life experience dealing with the effects of fatherlessness in western culture (working in prisons etc) and the stats are good food for thought as well - only a little vague I thought....

The 3 main contributors (experts) were tooting the same horn pretty much and it seemed veiled in Christianity (sometimes not veiled but rather blatant) to the point where I wasn’t quite rolling my eyes but...the thing is - I am not a Christian but common sense is common sense even when coming from a Christian. This is not some Christian epiphany...The people interviewed who shared their stories were engaging but it was lacking in depth for me somehow...even James Hetfield’s segment, while interesting did seemed too edited. The segments where some of his lyrics came up on screen to show how he had clearly been struggling with things over the years was quite cool UNTIL a VOICE read them out loud like poetry with fake emotion and anger....so so so stupid. Really should have just left the lyrics on the screen and cut the silly part out.

Anyway...one little part that really struck me was how kids who grow up this way make ‘vows’ to themselves...to never be hurt again, to never trust again, to never be vulnerable again, etc...It’s an individual thing of course dependent on whatever issues you have...and really it works for any kind of serious hurt/betrayal you experience as a kid I think...I started thinking about my childhood vows to myself. {Insert long pause here} ...especially how they do not serve me well anymore...they may have been self-preservation 25-30 yrs ago but now they are limiting and stifling...so how does one unbrainwash themselves?

I think fathers jilting their children and being irresponsible is an epidemic problem and I do not understand how it has become so acceptable in society....we have gotten to the point where we 'expect' it....and that IS crazy and sad...

1 more day

2012-01-02T22:14:00.000-08:00

1 more day until I am forced to have a schedule and not nap on the couch all day. Rude.

Tomorrow I am going to go check out the new Americanized version of The Girl w/ the Dragon Tattoo. I quite enjoyed the European version with subtitles...so this will be interesting...

SLOTH...complete SLOTH...2012...SLOTH...so tired and blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Too tired to even t....yp.e...........

Happy Poo Year

2011-12-31T19:07:00.000-08:00

Be happy this isn't you at midnight tonight...

COLD!

2011-12-30T21:25:00.000-08:00

Colder than a witches tit I am...sitting here listening to the 1st Pat Benatar record...I remember when I got it in grade 5 in Shaunavon, Saskatchewan...I had it and The Baby's. I recall that I fake autographed The Baby's album and tried convincing my evil step-sister Lisa that I met the band and they signed it for me...nice to know I was completely full of shit at the age of 10 too. Back then I had a pile of my mom's old records...a cool compilation set called THE GOLDEN AGE OF BRITISH ROCK...if I ever see that in a thrift store I might faint. I also had her old 45's...Dr Hook's 'Sylvia's Mother' and George Harrison's 'My Sweet Lord' - which to this day is one of my favorite songs. Funny how back then flipping or changing a record was no big deal whereas now I find it incredibly INCONVENIENT. Ohhhh laziness has reached great heights in 2011...fuck - I won't even watch TV is the clicker is lost. Not.even.kidding. I have better shit to do than getting off the couch to change the channel...

I am toying with the idea of cutting cable next month...I considered the land-line but that seems too welfare or something to not have a land-line...know what I mean? I detest talking on my cell phone so I would pretty much drop off the face of the phone planet...I rarely talk on my cell b/c when I do I am anxious about it beaming a brain tumor into my head every second I am on it...it is basically a really expensive CLOCK I carry in my pocket (which I realize if beaming an ovarian tumor into my girl parts)... **for the record I realize I go through these cycles where I cut my cable off or back only to up it again once I am more flush...I am self-aware.

It is my mom's last day at the Red Lion Pub tomorrow night... (YAY!! CHEER! WOOHOO!) I am sure it will be a tough night for her...I suspect she will be all emotional about it but it really is a good move on her part...and not an easy one so I am glad she mustered up the courage to do it! Way to go!

New Years Eve tomorrow night...ugh. Never been my favorite...I will do pretty much what I am doing tonight...records...internet...might make something craft like...I really wanna make some felt things...like little animals...I have no idea why...it seems very unlike me but like with everything about me I am morphing it seems...By morphing I mean turning into an alien...I am fairly certain demetia/alzheimers is in my future...I am doing weird shit...this morning the front doors @ work were locked so I stood holding my swipe pass in front of the DOOR KNOB...like it's fucking magic and would turn the knob for me or something...meanwhile the swipe spot on the opposite end of the door frame...I stood there long enough that I was actually embarrassed someone may be watching me out one of the windows standing there like a retard waiting for the door to open itself. JFC. Sometimes I grab my swipe pass and try to open the front door of my apt. bldg with it too...that's awesome. What else....oh my hair is thinning...and I cannot converse and do a task at the same time...it is just too much...it's like my brain synapses have been damaged in an electrical fire...

I have 4 days off...they are my last little stretch for a while...so I am gunna savor the shit out of them...Starting Jan 9th its a 5 day work week (GASP! THE HORROR!)...it has been quite some time since I had to work 5 days in a row....quite honestly I just want business to pick up b/c the boredom is actually killing me...maybe that's why my brain is dissolving...I don't use it anymore...I don't problem solve for a living anymore...fuck.

no thanks

2011-12-29T11:38:00.001-08:00

Had a really shitty dream the other night...the fact that Lars Ulrich from Metallica was groping me was not even the worst of it. I was on Klahanie Drive and something was going on with my grandparents...they were hospitalized but no one was saying why or giving me any info...I called daily and was getting stonewalled so I decided to go online and sleuth around...and noticed that certain profiles of patients has pictures or video so you could see how they were doing...I found my grandpas and there was this little video playing...he was clearly drugged/doped up and chained/shackled to other patients as equally doped up and they were out for a walk on the beach....naturally they were fucking falling down onto the rocks and barnacles, unable to navigate the topography being that they were OLD and DRUGGED...I just completely lost my shit seeing my grandpa treated in such a way – being stripped of his dignity...I flipped the fuck out. I woke up bawling my head off, rattled and disturbed beyond belief....I often have dreams about my grandpa where he is in some sort of grave danger...the last one being that he was attacked and killed by a bear....I don't know why I am relating to him this way in my dream world...he has been gone since 1995 and is frequently on my mind – as well as my granny – they were very important to me and clearly, in death, are maintaining that importance in my head and heart despite their absence.

I might start keeping a dream journal again...see if there is a date pattern....though sometimes years go by between these dreams they are impossible to shake even years later. One thing this has made me grateful about is the fact both my grandparents went fast...no lingering, no extended hospitalization, no dementia (besides the personal Conklin dementia), no Alzheimer's...that is a rough road to go down with a person you love...when I go I wanna go just like that...FAST, heart just spazzes out and pbbst! Gone...(preferably when I am in bed asleep please) none of the crippled, mentally needy, feebleness that I think robs people of all their dignity at the end of their lives b/c the elderly are not cared for like they deserve. It is appalling to me that families forced into putting their elder family members in care homes are doing so at such a risk sometimes...the horror stories are heart breaking and disgusting...who the hell are some of these assholes in this field that they are not subject to huge accountability and their attitude/actions scrutinized to try and weed out the bad ones? Euthanasia...HELLO! Sign me up...I cannot imagine being old and having some wanna be nurse smacking me or letting me sit in my diaper all morning – sign me up for The Kevorkian Breakfast Special please....

Wow...I am depressing as shit aren't I?

and....

2011-12-28T22:26:00.000-08:00

then it was done...I had my xmas shit tore down and disappeared by 6 pm Xmas Day...I am sitting here tonight missing the lights though...love those damn lights.

Xmas Eve was fun - had some fun guests...Ghey-Shawn was in from Kelowna...Alex & Kelsey...Amanda & Erin (aka Lesbos of Doom), Hot Donna, A. & Nimmer....good times. Tonnes of food was eaten...was ridiculous actually...everyone pretty much grazed all night and rolled outta here half dead...The Xmas Bloat was upon us all.

I didn't even drink and woke up xmas morning feeling like a sack of garbage...oh that's fun...xmas morning was low key...I slept in til 9...Ayla til 10:30...no rushing, no fuss...Ayla liked all her loot...she raked in 300.00 bones twds her future car so she is up to 725.00 now and rather impressed with herself.

A-Sprog did torture me with 6+ hours of Beverley Hills 90210 (yes the 90's version) ALL XMAS DAY...admittedly it was amusing at 1st...then it WAS NOT.

OHH AYLA! I LOVE YOU TOO!

2011-12-28T21:31:00.001-08:00

Dec 24 2011 039, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Dec 24 2011

2011-12-28T21:30:00.001-08:00

Dec 24 2011 047, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

IRONIC that Ghey-Shawn got a pink crown and a pink horn in his xmas cracker!

Dec 24 2011

2011-12-28T21:29:00.001-08:00

Dec 24 2011 073, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

The Lesbos of Doom (ERIN & AMANDA) molesting the virgin Mary and baby Jesus.

Dec 24 2011

2011-12-28T21:28:00.003-08:00

Dec 24 2011 080, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Baby Jesus with Salami Nipples

Dec 24 2011

2011-12-28T21:28:00.001-08:00

Dec 24 2011 081, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Kelsey at the baby Jesus salami nipples!

Dec 24 2011

2011-12-28T21:27:00.003-08:00

Dec 24 2011 097, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Donna found this out on the road a while ago in the rain and immediately deemed it my xmas present hahaha It is truly unique & weirdddddddd :o)

Dec 24 2011

2011-12-28T21:27:00.001-08:00

Dec 24 2011 109, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Donna playing the air spoons ha ha ha

Dec 24 2011

2011-12-28T21:26:00.001-08:00

Dec 24 2011 110, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Donna playing the air spoons ha ha ha

Dec 24 2011

2011-12-28T21:25:00.001-08:00

Dec 24 2011 120, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Kelsey laughing SO hard at Donna dancing and playing the air spoons hahahhaaa

Dec 24 2011

2011-12-28T21:24:00.001-08:00

Dec 24 2011 167, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

A. as a pretend Jew!

Self-Cruelty Mission

2011-12-23T20:32:00.000-08:00

Tonight Lisa and I are going shopping late...we will pick up Ayla when she is off work at 9:30 and begin the Self-Cruelty Mission: Shopping on Dec 23rd.

I have NEVER needed to shop this close to baby Jesus's fake birthday...ever. I am generally organized and ~~broke~~ 'done' long before things get commercially insane. This year was different. Not only was I not ready - I was not even remotely prepared to get ready. I put Ayla on notice that it was gunna be a chill xmas - with the Cancun trip coming up and all...so it wasn't like I had tonnes to do or anything thankfully. Tonight I am just grocery shopping...Xmas Eve is party night at Jenny Jen's...got a lovely little crowd coming over: Ghey-Shawn (in from Kelowna), Alexandra & Kelsey, Amanda & Erin: the lesbos of doom and Hot Donna...Ayla and I quite enjoy having ppl over xmas eve so this year will be a hoot...it will kick ass on last year that's for damn sure. Moving on...Xmas Eve is gunna be a VINYL EXTRAVAGANZA...we got a buncha old records (Johnny Cash, Crystal Gayle etc) and Alex has located her old Eddie Rabbitt record and...well...it'll be a 70's musical night of baby Jesusness! The photo essay I post after should be quite entertaining.

I am missing some peeps this year...kinda wishing I had some family around me: The Alberta Crew & the Powell River Crew - along with friends I never see enough of (G&D, AB, CG, DM, JF, M&K, etc)...that's what this time of year is all about for me...my peeps. Ok...and the lights...and the baby Jesus collection...and the anti-christmasness I project while embracing certain traditions...which confuses ppl.

Tomorrow is all about getting the house presentable and prepping the goodies and food...that is if I survive shopping. I am sure you can imagine the vivid and wild way I imagine bashing and crushing ppl with my cart. Oh speaking of store weirdness...I am in the drug store this morning and this old, East Indian lady comes up to me with a giant package of bladder control pads and in very broken English asks me if these are good ones...I looked around b/c I was SURE someone was fucking with me...Candid Camera moment all the way....but nope...it was a legit human interaction...so I am trying to tell her I don't actually know if they are good and she of course doesn't understand me - just looks at me eagerly awaiting my advice...Don't get me wrong - I am a gawd damn pro at menstrual products...but I dunno if bladder control ones are the same...so I just ASSUMED they were since she want gunna leave me alone (she did drag me away from the hairspray after all)...so I pointed out that those ones were SHORT rather than the long ones...so I found her the long ones which were on sale and told her they were THE BEST. She was so damn happy...I was still looking around thinking ppl were fucking with me....it was too weird...but such as life is...no camera crew jumped out and offered me a 100.00 gift certificate for not telling the lady to fuck the hell off. So yeah - if you ever start peeing your pants...call me - I will hook you up. 1-800-PEE-4JEN

Listening to this old 70's country music (Dolly Parton, Crystal Gayle, Eddie Rabbit, Tammy Wynette, Loretta Lynn etc) in 2011 is really weird...what a depressing buncha shit...it's always about being cheated on or drinking...mind you I guess that was the 70's for a lot of people...I downloaded some Carpenters and while listening to a few songs I recall as a kid...I was struck with the sadness of Karen Carpenter's mental illness and death via anorexia...the concept of starving ones self to death is bloody bizarre to me...I have the opposite affliction after all...but I am not deluded into thinking I am too skinny and MUST eat to gain weight...see that's the fuckery of anorexia...they look all Auschwitz-y and truly frightening and cannot see it. Mental illness is so truly fucked up.
It is getting close to the time when I have to start getting dressed...which is weird b/c it's usually the time I am getting ready for bed...ha! I am so wild and crazy. Look out world...The Conklin is coming down your aisle with a cart!

For all the lost boys...recent and beyond

2011-12-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

Carry by Tori Amos

Love, hold my hand
Help me see with the dawn
That those that have left
Are not gone
But they carry on
As stars looking down
As nature's sons
And daughters of the heavens
You will not ever be forgotten by me
In the procession of the mighty stars
Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart
Here I will carry, carry, carry you
Forever

You have touched my life
So that now
Cathedrals of sound are singing, are singing
The waves have come to walk with you
To where you will live in the land of you,
Land of you

You will not ever be forgotten by me
In the procession of the mighty stars
Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart
Here I will carry, carry, carry you
Here I will carry, carry, carry you
Forever.

Renewed Love Affair

2011-12-19T12:27:00.000-08:00

Yes I am having a renewed love affair with violins & cello...far more reliable than a human...a violin won't bootleg for your underage daughter and a cello won't be so passive as to let a relationship slide into a mud bog to avoid it's own fear...Ohhh yes...seeing that quartet at Tori Amos has blown on the embers of my cello/violin love...Not gunna lie - I really like some of my favorite music redone by cellos and violin (Apocalyptica does amazing Metallica covers) but for the most part I listen to whatever...I have no idea what I am listening to most of the time and don't really care...

Crapmas is nearly here...things are nice at my house...Ayla has been fantastic since I got back from Vancouver (knock on wood) and we are getting along really well...chatting up a storm...
Turns out she needed glasses after her eye appt last week and man does she look cute in them...thank gawd there was a 50% off sale...so with my reimbursement and the sale she got 800.00 glasses for 150.00...not too shabby. She is unsure of them, new glasses and all but once she's used to them she will be fine...she doesn't need to wear them all day (neither do I), just for distance...not sure if she will wear them all the time like I do....not likely.

I feel as though I have the hips of a 124 yr old woman today...looking fwd to some post xmas focus on proper eating...such a fucking cliche...that's me. I own it....whatever - suck my dick.

Back to work tomorrow...I have had a good stretch off....time to get a little routine going again and really...I work for 4 - get 4 off - work 3 - get 4 off....I feel like the queen of sheba ffs...
Puscifer is in Vancouver in March...I am NOT allowing myself to go....and that is FINAL! {foot stomp} See how I just bossed myself around there...gotta do it sometimes...

Renos have started in the apt below us....finally (sat empty a year) - it is AWESOME right now...no one lives above or below us...so I am taking full advantage of being able to play my music at a pleasingly loud level without pissing anyone off or being rude. It will enable me to have ppl over Xmas Eve too and not worry about noise. I am really looking forward to to this shindig...all my bestest fun peeps are coming...sadly Lisa has family obligations so she will be missing :o( but a good time shall be had - I am sure of it...I am setting up an 'art' project for the guests and some lucky attendee will take home the result of it...ahahaha Oh gawd...I will be sober of course (as to not repeat the stupidity of last yrs most retarded xmas EVER) and glad for it.

I have ordered this documentary about the effects of fatherlessness...

Not a new concept by any means...but complex and epidemic...affecting both sons and daughters in negative ways and perpetuating the cycle of the problem....looking fwd to seeing it...I am kind of a sucker for sad stories so this will be interesting for me despite the fact - like many ppl - I have my own story x2 on this topic.

Dec 8 2011 Winter Grad Dinner

2011-12-17T08:27:00.001-08:00

Dec 8 2011 Winter Grad Dinner 025, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Ohhh my little girl looked sooooo lovely for her winter grad dinner....thanks to Alex for the great hair!

Flea goes to the Jesus store...

2011-12-17T08:24:00.001-08:00

Dec 10-13 2011 008, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

I drag these 2 into the Jesus store and Flea looked a little frightened....then again he usually looks frightened or worried about something.

The Bathroom Door

2011-12-17T08:23:00.001-08:00

Dec 10-13 2011 032, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Seriously............her landlord is such a friggin asshole.

Dec 10-13 2011 043

2011-12-17T08:22:00.001-08:00

Dec 10-13 2011 043, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

A gift from Taylor that Tere found a few mths after he died...out in her backyard, written on the house.... :|

Flea....

2011-12-17T08:21:00.001-08:00

Dec 10-13 2011 044, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

hahahahahaha omg so ridiculously cute

Dec 2011

2011-12-17T08:20:00.001-08:00

Dec 10-13 2011 076, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Jericho Beach bunnies EVERYWHERE! They even tried crawling up my leg for carrots...so cute.

Dec 12 2011

2011-12-17T08:19:00.003-08:00

Dec 10-13 2011 095, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Vancouver from Jericho Beach

Dec 13 2011

2011-12-17T08:19:00.001-08:00

Dec 10-13 2011 168, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Deanna & a weiner ahahhahaa

Dec 10-13 2011

2011-12-17T08:18:00.001-08:00

Dec 10-13 2011 171, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

coolest hat ever??

Dec 13 2011

2011-12-17T08:17:00.001-08:00

Dec 10-13 2011 181, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Horrible opening act...not gunna lie but her show with the these guys:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAOBQJ7m5iA
omg.....soooo fabulous!!

Dec 13 2011

2011-12-17T08:14:00.001-08:00

Dec 10-13 2011 184, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

The grand Orpheum...truly the most beautiful theatre I have ever been in.

busy busy busy

2011-12-17T08:12:00.000-08:00

Been a whirlwind of activity in Jen's world lately....

I hit the road (I am such a divine traveler) and went to Vancouver last Saturday...I spent 3 days with Tere which I had some anxiety about. I knew her house would be full of Taylor's things and pictures and also...Tere is obviously the walking wounded...I wasn't sure what was going to transpire...It was comforting to be surrounded by Taylor...and hear stories about him all weekend...it truly was. Against my better judgement I let Tere take me to his apartment where he died, outside - to see the memorial left there...it popped a cork I was not able to re-cork...after that I couldn't even look at his pictures without losing my shit...it is absolutely terrifying to be sitting across from a person who at that very moment is living your absolute worst nightmare, paralleling your life circumstances (single parent, an only child)...it is heartbreaking and the scariest shit I have ever seen...
In between my mindfuckery...we played scrabble...we watched terrible tv, talked, walked, fed bunnies at Jericho Beach, visited her sister, thrift stored and went to Bingo.

BINGO! That was funny...neither of us have played in about 1000 yrs so it was like walking into a whorehouse a virgin...ppl with this giant jade elephants beside them 4 good luck...playing 38745983758 cards while we struggled to keep up with the minimum of 3. hahaha We didn't win shit all (I blame the mumbling Asian bingo caller) but man we had FUN...sounds weird but it was really fun with Tere. Sounds like a new ritual to me!

Feeding the bunnies was a hoot...so many...and they are so tame. Tere's chihuahua 'Flea' is really entertaining and was a constant source of amusement for me...cutest & most neurotic dog I have ever met...

Tuesday I met up with Deanna and we had a fantastic day on Granville Street and downtown Vancouver...walking, eating and shopping until it was time to go to Tori Amos @ the Orpheum...turns out I had never been inside the Orpheum (I guess I was mixing it up with the Vogue Theatre)...once you see the Orpheum you don't forget it b/c it is truly beautiful....it makes the Royal Theatre here in Victoria look welfare...
I scored some kick ass records on my travels...the gem being my 1st record ever in grade 5 when I lived in Shaunavon, SK.......Pat Benatar's IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT....which I still love...this was a big deal...moving up from 8 Tracks to vinyl....that little plastic, red Melody Maker record played I got for xmas the year before was THE best gift I have ever been given in all my life...the solace and joy that thing gave me until I was 18 and graduated to a real stereo (thanks Pam!) is indescribable....which is why I am enjoying finding all these old records...

Xmas Eve...Sprog and I are having ppl over...Donna, Amanda, Erin, Alex and Kelsey....for food and old record playing! I have scored some gooders so far...Johnny Cash, Crystal Gayle...an old 80's K-Tel CHART ATTACK record (hahaha) - and lots of 80's stuff (The GoGo's, etc) - it is gunna be a hoot.

Ayla did ok in my absence...she was sick most of the time and when I got home she seemed really happy to see me...exclaiming that it is hard to keep a house clean when you cook every day (no kidding!) but I was glad she did what I told her and cleaned as she went rather than leaving it all til the day I come home and shitting bricks trying to get the pig sty in order...I think she missed me a little...she has been really nice all week. haha

Eye Dr appt yesterday...ugh - Sprog-Grrl needs glasses so we went and got her a pair that will be ready next week (it was a 50% off sale so it was kinda perfect....)...I wanted to get her a pair from a store 1st like I did....then any other glasses after are coming from Zenni Optical for 30 bucks a pair or less...with this pair she will know what size works for her exactly so ordering is a lot easier...I am a little miffed the eye Dr doesn't give out your PD anymore without a 25.00 fee...assholes. Then Lenscrafters tries to tell you the PD they are giving you can't be used to order online b/c it is different with each pair of glasses.......I really cannot stand the whole money grubbing process...it makes me so irritated when ppl are trying to sell me something...or feeding me bullshit...the only comfort I got out of it was A. got a really nice pair of 800.00 glasses for 400.00...I get 250 back so that's better than a kick in the vag for sure.

Was Tracey's b'day yesterday so we hit a movie then shopped and hung out...was good despite my migraine that would not die yesterday...by about 7 pm it was finally gone but I was dead...I fell asleep before 10 pm and slept 8 hours which is rather odd for me.
Was nice to spend the day with Tracey though... :o)

Today I am cleaning my house...Prince is in town tonight...hope Alex feels a little better and can go and enjoy it for a few hours...she is in the middle of a shitty flu @ the moment....not good...
I am done with concerts for a while...this years been nuts...Sam Roberts, Matt Good, Liam Finn, Tori Amos...just in the mast 3 mths....ffs - I am not rich enough for that shit...time for a good healthy break...get Ayla ready for Cancun and grad...and I can get used to my new life without child tax credit. ARGG!!! Rude.

I have a butt load to say

2011-12-16T08:30:00.001-08:00

Just gotta get in the groove and find some time to say it all....get ready.

Adios....

2011-12-09T23:18:00.000-08:00

Off to Vancouver tomorrow on the 11 am ferry..........no internet access until I get home on the 14th. Enjoy the silence....and in case you get bored:

Riddance of Goodness

2011-12-06T22:38:00.000-08:00

I want to rant about some asshole I used to know but I feel like the effort to type it out would expel more energy than the useless asshole is worth so I am not. {I feel better already}

Tomorrow is our office 'xmas' luncheon...I have convinced the ladies to order chinese food in and watch The Muppets Christmas Carol on the little tv/vcr I am bringing in to work.

Adele mailed me her Motley Crue records (1st 3, the best 3!) this week...HOW COOL...!!! It is trippy hearing MC on the ol turntable...I parted with mine about 10 yrs ago so it was kind of like being reunited with a good, old friend....Thank you Ms Adele of Awesomeness...lovely gesture!
I am enjoying the Johnny Cash record I got for a buck a while ago too...Even though when Yoko Ono...errr I mean June Carter sings with him it makes me kinda sad that she wasn't very good hahaha
When Adrienne and Tracey were over fora peanut reindeer making night it was fun to watch Adrienne groove to the record...you can tell her folks listened to him a lot when she was a kid...Ohhhh EPIPHANY: Another great JC = Johnny Cash! (and Jen Conklin, and Jesus Christ...etc but not June Carter...)

Work is really busy this week...so it will go by fast...I leave for Vancouver on Saturday...I will be at Tere's til Tuesday...then its Tori Amos with Deanna...

More later...

Nov 29 2011 Matthew Good

2011-11-30T11:46:00.001-08:00

Nov 29 2011 MG 010, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

2011-11-30T11:44:00.000-08:00

And so it was. Stellar. Lunar. Spectacular.

Having seen Matthew Good about 10x now in my life I can say rather assuredly that last night was his BEST full band performance to date. Not gunna lie...the last 2 tours were not my faves despite LOVING the albums that came out those years. Venue is everything of course...a stink ass hot curling rink midsummer does not make a fun concert experience...and then last year the venue was ok but balcony seating proved to be ‘not my favourite’ along with the fact MG was not really convincing anyone he wanted to be there...these things happen. It is real life...people have issues going on that make them distracted or they don’t feel all that great...I accept this...but the last 2 tours just made this one all the more amazing and impressive.

1st of all this band is great. I love the keyboard/piano presence on a lot of the new album, it worked well live...plus the keyboard guy Anthony Wright and guitarist Jimmy Reid were SO kick ass...a real pleasure to watch and hear actually. I particularly loved so much piano live...this new album translated 100x better live than I could have imagined...every song off the new album was fantastic live...not to mention that the 1st song of the night was my all time favourite song of the universe and beyond While We Were Hunting Rabbits...I got misty. I did and that was way better than the sobbing shit fit I would have had post-show if he didn’t play it. I don’t usually get uptight about what’s played...I am happy to just get what I get but when I heard he was playing Rabbits across Canada on the way here I was a little worried he would skip it here and break my heart forever. He ended the show with Set Me On Fire which is my favourite off his new record so it was a complete package of awesomeness!

Not sure I am in love with FRONT ROW though...felt kind of EXPOSED up there...and it makes you a target for the shit eating event staff who hassle you thinking you are taking video when you are not...etc. I don’t think I will go for 1st row again...

So...it was a grand night spent with Adrienne...who loved it as much as I did and swooned afterwards all the way home with me...got myself a new MG scarf to go with the one I got last tour...this time black and red...if only I was ever cold....ha!
You can now look fwd to me shutting up about MG for a while... and after Tori Amos Dec 13 I am gunna take a MUSICAL break...I am feeling a little tapped out from all the shows...

Yo Stinky!

2011-11-28T11:41:00.000-08:00

How can tea taste so good at home but then taste absolutely crap at work? I don’t understand it.

Went and saw “the descendents” on Sat with Lisa...accompanied by some pulled pork goodness (not masturbatory)...the movie was better than the pulled pork this time around...though not something you need to see at the theatre...and so effing sad...rude. The biggest score of the day was the bald baby Jesus and also fancying Ayla up with her winter dinner dress of loveliness. It really is the last time I ever want to be in a GUESS store for the rest of my life though...how obnoxious...it’s like being in a fucking disco when they flick all the lights on a 2 am but the music is still blaring loudly. So annoying...anxiety level through the roof...it is always nice when your kid is looking at you like you are an alien and cannot understand why you are so on edge...I just said “I was like you....once .” That freaked her out rather appropriately. The dress is lovely though and she is excited to get tarted up on the 8^th for the dinner extravaganza!

Sunday I loaned out my couch and TV to Amanda and Erin so they could watch the Grey Cup game while I was out with Donna seeing the new Twilight movie (I know, I know)...it was as cheesie and terrible as the other 3...no surprises there...though we will go next year to watch the final one...I cannot explain my willingness to be fleeced by utter, obvious crappiness. I am a product of my society.

Such a sad week for some friends...2 friends lost their moms which is never an easy thing and then another friend received bad news about his mom...wtf...terrible run esp for 1 family. Makes ya sit back and look around at family and count your blessings.

December is turning out to be a bloody money pit...not even for xmas...I have sworn off gift buying aside from for Ayla (and that will involve ZERO frivolity) but this trip to Vancouver and some required new foot ware and Rx purchases are making me grateful I decided to be low key...theoretically the trip to Vancouver should be ok...so long as I stay away from stores which will be easy b/c who the eff wants to shop in Vancouver in December and deal with the crowds..NOT I! I have rides lined up so I shouldn’t be raped via transit so ferry both ways, gas $, a few meals...hopefully the Tori Amos swag will suck. Ha!

Matthew Good is TOMORROWWWWWWWWWWWW! Holy hump! I have been pouring over youtube vids of this tour and just cannot wait. I am excited to be front row too...unobstructed view...no heads in my pictures...the angle will suck a bit for sure but if I can get a few great close ups I am all good. Please precious baby Jesus of holiness and love – please make MG play While We Were Hunting Rabbits in Victoria so I do not have to cry walking to bus stop to get home afterwards...you think I am being dramatic but I think I might actually fucking cry about it.

THE LOVELY BONES by Alice Sebold: JFC...I nearly missed the damn bus this morning with my headphones on, engrossed in this book...then getting all misty on the damn bus reading it...what a shit show in my head...interesting perspective reading about a murdered girl up in heaven looking down and watching her family grieve her...I am seriously only 40 pages in and am completely sucked in. I might be too chicken shit to see the movie once I am done the book b/c if it is even half as emotional then...no thanks.

ADVICE FOR THE TWINKY ON THE BUS: I realize it is tough being kind of regular looking...being unfancy to look at myself I ‘get it’...I understand the use of make up to accentuate features and create a persona of sorts...completely understandable. What I do not get is why the fuck do you need a half bottle of perfume to attract attention to yourself? Especially when you are getting on a small bus at rush hour which is sure to be full creating a hideous choking death for anyone near you? I could taste the floral nightmare of your perfume in my gawd damn mouth...I pity anyone with allergies on the buses you ride...it is seriously disgusting...and I am not even particularly sensitive to that sort of thing...even when someone has too much on I usually find female fragrances pleasing to my nose...but this floral assassination was very close to the same smell that emanated from Kitty’s Restaurant washroom...they use this timed floral air freshener in there that is the worst synthetic smell on earth...you walk out of the bathroom and the SMELL feels heavy on your clothing...not even kidding...it’s like a floral toilet bowl nightmare...so chick – please lay off the floral fragrance holocaust and get a piercing or something for attention.

2011-11-25T16:00:00.001-08:00

I have been revisiting Rain Maida these days...he is always a good revisit.

5 days til Matthew Good...chugga chugga chugga...I can make it.

The rock & roll market at Logan’s last night has some really great items for sale...I bought a few cards I REALLY loved...raven/crow on a rocking chair...love love loved it so I bought 5...if you ever receive one it is the highest of honours that I will part with one in your honour so cherish it accordingly. (haha)

Short weekend this weekend but looking at my schedule for the next month I won’t complain...I am off work Dec 9-19 then Dec 24-27 the Dec 31-Jan 3 – that only leaves 16 work days until the new year. Sweet.

The cat is being a dinkus and terrorizing my peanut reindeer heads off the xmas tree. This annoys me. Cat spittle all over my reindeers. I think I am going to make some more in Dec...flashy ones and one special one for her to mangle....in hopes she will lv mine alone.

Sat. I have a date with Lisa and we are doing lunch and a George Clooney movie...Sun. I have a date with Donna...we are going to see the new twilight crap movie. I know I know...I am disappointed in myself too but whatever. I am used to disappointing myself with my frivolous tendencies. I watch Y&R everyday for gawds sake....it doesn’t get much worse than that...except for maybe Maury Povich and the like. I like that I can feel superior to the daytime talk show watcher ppl.

Holy storm last night...yikes. I am sure Guy’s park is strewn with debris...that’ll keep him busy for a bit.

Ayla is currently emailing me pics of winter grad dinner dresses for a formal-ish school thing that is coming up...you’d think I was in the fashion industry or something...all picky and critical about unflattering styles and colors...ha! So far she has shown me 1 option I really like – its 100 bones though so I am hoping something nice comes up that is cheaper. Ohhhh....she’s distracted and sending me Led Zeppelin sweat shirt pictures now...ha!

you know you have arrived when...

2011-11-23T22:11:00.000-08:00

...The doctor tells you that you are deformed...it is right up there with that memorable 1st time a doctor labels you as obese...OUT LOUD! Ok maybe not DEFORMED but that you have something with the word 'deformity' in it. HAGLUND'S DEFORMITY
He says the heel spurs actually are causing me no pain at all...wrong area entirely...fair enough.
I am somewhat reluctant about the 'shoe rub' connection...I feel no resistance or pain via wearing my regular shoes...no sign of rubbing...except at the end of my shoes life the inside heel area is wore out...so wtf do I know? I figure I will give his ideas a go...new backless shoes, anti-inflammatory ointment, an ultrasound, light walking...then revisit in a few mths...if it doesn't help then I can contemplate a shot of cortisone into the area (oh so effing gross to even think about a needle poking into an already tender area)...he seems convinced it will go away no problem...
Oh to be so sure about things.

Being back to work has been ok...my co-worker did a pretty good job keeping my work up to date in my absence so I returned to only minor chaos...very nice!

House has been pretty quiet without Cathy around...not near as tidy either...
Was happy to hear she got herself a Wii on the way home...she should really enjoy that...

6 days til MATTHEW GOOD...I am getting more excited by the day...seriously looking fwd to this show. Lindsey saw him in Calgary last week and was raving about the new album sounding SO good live....

::SQUEEEEEL::

...and then she went home

2011-11-21T06:34:00.000-08:00

Aunty Cathy left this morning to head back to Alberta's chilly -20 tundra. Was a great visit...we kept fairly busy with painting the kitchen and revamping the kitchen...plus our trip to PR to visit...she is not an idle, sit around person so I think the last few days were tough for her being car-less and me being DEAD honestly...the painting and kneeling and on and off a chair pretty much did me in physically and its taken me until now to feel like my old self. Crippled old fat lady here...not gunna lie. The pay off is grand though - kitchen looks about as kick as as it possibly can...and I have a fridge full of Aunty Cathy's awesome meatballs n gravy! WEEEEEEEEE!!!

Today I am off to a sport med. doctor for my foot/heel...got an x-ray last week...the verdict is BONE SPURS...oh delightful...no wonder no matter what I have done it has not gone away...this explains everything which is good but sadly it is not awesome at all b/c it's not like that shit just goes away...so...this appt. will be very informative and common sense tells me it is time to kick some ass again and get back to what is important, that being good eating and shrinking....becoming one with the sit down bike to nowhere...oh yeah.


Adrienne...the big 4-0

Today is also Adrienne's birthday...as well as Amanda's...nice day to get born ladies...it's LESBIAN MONDAY ffs! I love this! Today I am stopping by Adrienne's and Amanda's with tokens of my affection before returning home to eat meatballs of deliciousness!

I work again tomorrow...I don't feel at all rested or like I have been vacationing even though it has been awesome to be off for so long...accomplished A LOT which is also good. Glad Cathy and I got some good outings...she really loved our little walkabout with Guy and Donna and our day out at Ross Bay Cemetery.

I am going to go try to go back to sleep...................

Nov 12 2011 001

2011-11-17T06:47:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 001, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Holy awesome cinnamon buns Donna made for us....lets not talk about how I wrecked the dough of the ones she sent us to PR with... :|

Nov 12 2011 006

2011-11-17T06:46:00.003-08:00

Nov 12 2011 006, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Another to add to my collection hahahaha

Nov 12 2011 010

2011-11-17T06:46:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 010, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Nov 12 2011 023

2011-11-17T06:45:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 023, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Guy the Bird Whisperer...he started a bird call and the 1st few mins a few birds came over to where we were....after 5 mins there were a zillion of them...it was cool to see how he lured them over with his noises.

Nov 12 2011 032

2011-11-17T06:44:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 032, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Aunty Cathy

Nov 12 2011 080

2011-11-17T06:43:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 080, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Getting some birding lessons... Cathy, Guy, my sprog & Donna @ Moorecroft Park.

Nov 12 2011 115

2011-11-17T06:42:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 115, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

My sprog & Aunty Cathy when we stopped and visited Guy and Donna in Nanoose Bay.

Nov 12 2011 136

2011-11-17T06:41:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 136, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Ayla riding Madelyn's midget bike down to Pam's for her from Maggie's hahahaha

Sidney!!

2011-11-17T06:40:00.003-08:00

Nov 12 2011 137, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Soooo fun this kid is!

Hello Selkie Friend

2011-11-17T06:40:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 151, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Windy stormy sunset seal hanging around near Murder Beach where I lost my glasses and a pint of blood last spring hahahhaa

Sisters....

2011-11-17T06:39:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 170, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

My mom Peggy and Aunty Cathy

Nov 12 2011 173

2011-11-17T06:38:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 173, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

The lovely Jerri Ann! We did Thai for lunch and hung out Sat. afternoon....always a great time with her.

Hiiii-Yaaaa!!!

2011-11-17T06:37:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 227, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Maddie kicking some karate butt!

Farewell Powell River....

2011-11-17T06:36:00.001-08:00

Nov 12 2011 241, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Best Wal-Mart purchase of the year!

2011-11-17T06:35:00.001-08:00

Nov 14 2011, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Whenever I walk into the bathroom I say: "SANTA!!"

painting....

2011-11-17T06:34:00.000-08:00

Sucks ~ but man does it ever look kick ass to change up a room and completely alter the look of it....as you may or may not know I have SEVERELY ugly old 70s cabinets in my kitchen that are EYESORES...completely hideous and ridiculously horrid. No exaggeration. With that said - even the loveliest of paint cannot blind you from the fact they are there...YOU CANNOT POLISH A TURD after all...but the paint sure makes you not look at the cupboard-grossness first which helps...am considering getting new knobs/hardware just to try and make them even more invisible...Once we set the new shelf up and have it all tiddled I will post a before and after.

I am broken as shit today...we didn't have a ladder so getting up on to a chair and then back down off a chair (or the counter top) is a lot of UP & DOWN for this fatty...and not in a good way...I am broke as shit this morning...sore neck, sore back, sore arms, sore legs, fucked up foot....I AM AWESOME but gawd dammit my kitchen walls look fan-fucking-tastic!!! We did get aa darker accent color for the 1 wall and bulkhead - we started the wall 1st and then panicked and washed it all off with a cloth as it looked like a shitty baby diaper color after all...we did the whole bulkhead to see if it was better in a small dose....but we ended up painting over it b/c it was so complicated doing 2 colors (hahahah) and it really wasn't as awesome as we'd hoped. Cathy talked me off the ledge a few times as after the 1st coast of the nice paint I still thought it looked like shit but she assured me once dry with a 2nd coast it would be great - she is right! Thank you aunty Cathy!

I am off for an x-ray this morning on my foot....I have an appt with a sports medicine Dr on Monday for my foot/Achilles nightmare...and no I have not missed the irony of me being sent to a sports medicine doctor hahahhahaha I am such an athlete after all...my PR Dr. was saying I might have to start wearing a weird sock/brace to sleep that keeps my foot flexed all night....gee, doesn't THAT sound comfy...I don't care...if it helps I will do it.

PR was nice...Sidney is a dream toddler...so FUN! Madelyn is getting so grown up....went and saw her at karate and had some cute conversations with her...mainly we spent the weekend trying to convince her to let someone yank her dingley dangle front tooth b/c it was hanging by a thread of mouth meat for DAYSSSS - it was hard to look at...lol It eventually fell out while she slept twds the end of the visit thank gawd hahah

Had a good visit with the family and friends...ate too much food as per usual...the drive home down the Malahat in the dark with poor Cathy's bad night driving eyes was a little TENSE but we survived and she now knows to never try that again hahaha We took the rental car back yesterday...I miss it. haha

Ok - going to medicate my broken, old, fat self........

Ferry Exit

2011-11-14T06:23:00.000-08:00

Leaving on the noon ferry...after my Dr appt. Time to get back to Victoria...where time doesn't pass so slowly....it really is like time creeps slower here on the sunshine (rainy) coast...

Have really enjoyed the kids this trip...they have been a real hoot!
I am sitting on a HARD little kid chair at the moment so my ass is being destroyed by my own weight so I am not going to go on and on about anything....

Shhhhhhh

2011-11-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

Quiet Sunday on Klahanie Drive in Powell River...everyone is still asleep....they will be until Sidney wakes up and starts dragging every toy he owns into his mom and dads bedroom to play haha Cute ritual! I am on a MAC...smallest keyboard on earth but surprisingly functional!

Madelyn has karate lessons this morning that I am going to watch....then I tea with Wendy at 1 pm....last night in Powell River then tomorrow we head back to Victoria on the noon ferry...
Did lunch with Jerri Ann yesterday...so fun...she is a riot...

Had a great visit with Guy and Donna on the way over...Aunty Cathy really liked the mini hike/birding walk we went on with them. Guy is THE BIRD WHISPERER so it is always fascinating to watch him. Their new park caretaker job is pretty cool....great gig. Could not think of better people for it.

There is a mosquito in this room and I am pretty sure it is going to bite me if it hasn't already if I don't kill it 1st....
Gotta say the HEAT at Pam's and Maggie's is killing my spirit...I cannot effing belief how HOT the wood stoves are...it is a slow death for me...Cathy too...I know she is dieing as well hahahah We will get back to my place and really enjoy the cool temps that my drafty patio door has to offer.

I think Cathy is eager to go home now...novelty is wore off...missing Robert and done being bored...we have a week left and still have a kitchen to paint...a museum to see...Craigdarroch Castle to visit...movies to go see....wanderings to go on...hopefully it will be enough to quell her yearning for home just a little til the 21st. I think we are visiting with Robert's sister too while she is here...lots to do.

Off to Powell River...

2011-11-10T06:03:00.001-08:00

enjoy the silence!

xo

BUSY!

2011-11-06T15:31:00.000-08:00


Aunty Cathy & a tree

So much going on....excursions to the hardware store...cooking...movies...it is a tough life.

As I type my poor aunty is crippling herself in A's bathroom re-tiling it...all black...it looks 2897483745 x better...and I have to say I have no interest in ever doing such a job...fat ppl on their knees and hunched on the floor is a recipe for disaster via the knees and back and hips....I suspect my aunt shall be crippled and want to die later this evening...(2 fatties don't fit in that little bathroom so only the competent one gets to do it all...what can I say...I just get in the way!)
A. is stoked...just need to caulk it, paint the caulk so it looks SMOOOOOTH and streamlined and loverly...this was NOT an easy task....the walls are EXTREMELY CROOKED.

Oct 25 2011 - LURVE!!!

2011-11-05T00:50:00.001-07:00

Oct 25 2011 - LURVE!!!, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Alex found me this at the thrift store....holy hell I love it...he watches over us in the kitchen when we stuff our faces!

new tattoo maybe

2011-11-05T00:49:00.003-07:00

jellyfish - gunna get this tattoo I think, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

thinking of getting this on my arm......

Rob & Kim

2011-11-05T00:49:00.001-07:00

Rob & Kim, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

I dunno wtf Rob is but Kim as a sock monkey is SUPER CUTE!

Donna & Erin

2011-11-05T00:48:00.001-07:00

Donna & Erin , a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Donna = HAMBURGLAR
Erin = KERMIT THE FROG

So awesome!

trauma

2011-11-05T00:38:00.000-07:00

today I downloaded music i never thought i would in 983275983745983745 years...it was for my aunty cathy so you know I am fond of her to get me to punch hedley, nickelback, michael jackson and maroon 5 into my search...ffs...all i could think of was "what if I die b4 i can clear the history and someone thinks I was a secret fan?" horrific.
i dont feel like capitalizing or correcting typos...
im too tired.
my eyes are squinty. my uterus is clamping down on what little sense i have left at 41...early menopause plz...like really...wtf do i need hormones for? they just make me make foolish decisions...screw ppl i shouldnt...and go lunatic for a week+ a month...
my uterus is full of empty fucking promises....

hahahahaha

i like that....

my uterus is full of empty fucking promises....

consider it COPYWRITTEN!!!!!

People Watching

2011-11-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I am standing in public, headphones on looking around, feeling like I am in a movie...I look at how many other ppl have headphones on and wonder what they are listening to. I always find it amusing when ppl are singing/mouth along to the lyrics or are really grooving...mostly it is either young kids with that level of uninhibited public displays of music lovery (I made up the word LOVERY) or people who look like they are out on a day pass. I was listening to a Sam Roberts song...and it reminded me of the concert (which was incredibly kick ass) and I wanted to start jumping around and spazzing out but...you know...that’s not ‘cool’ haha Plus I am a terrible dancer/spazzer and it looks funny and not in a good way.

Then I started thinking how cool it would be if ppl actually just DID react to music how they felt in the moment...and I imagined ppl bee-bopping while they walked downtown and crooning all intensely...I imagined my friend Shawn giving his best Back Street Boy performance with raw, gut churning emotion with a tear running down his cheek...ha ha ha then I started to laugh just thinking about how the ppl I knew would be in this little brain music video of mine...Guy listening to the Clash looking stoic and superior (in my pretend music video he would wear headphones even though in real life he won’t risk any of his hearing for such sillery - I made up the word SILLERY too)... Adele listening to Adam Ant doing her fun arm gestures, looking like a new wave/goth princess...Alex rocking the shit out of some old punk song I don’t know, pushing some lady wearing Gucci into the cement wall that is the Bank of Montreal...my kid doing some attitudinal (made up that word too) Tupac gangsta hiphop jiggerdoo down the sidewalk...Mary doing a Tawny Kitaen 80’s metal sex kitten prance/hair flip whilst mouthing the words to Whitesnake...Connie with her Skid Row shirt on looking cuter than Sebastian Bach, devil horning to the raunch of classic Motley Crue...I could go on and on...

Using ppl you know as templates could make this a really funny thing...not being a film maker prohibits me from actually doing this of course...and really...sometimes my fab ideas are better kept in my head since my ideas tend to only please me anyway...

There are a couple of BUS PEOPLE I really try to avoid...1) The old crazy lady...she has white hair and is not right at all...she is rather spry for her age though that is not really a good thing if you sit beside her b/c she will lean her head fwd and start scratching her head while all her dandruff falls off her head RIGHT BESIDE YOU...needless to say I NEVER sit near her and if she sits near me I move b/c she is too weird and I don’t want any of her on me! Now while she does indeed repulse me i still wish i knew her story b/c I am sure she has an interesting one. I wonder if she has been mentally ill her whole life...if she has kids...What do they think of her...Where does she live...is she tidy?...Can she carry on a conversation? Is she dangerous? 2) This last is more scary than just odd...if I heard about a small, native/asian/south american (I cannot tell exactly what her ethnic background is) stabbing someone on the bus with a short concealed knife I would know EXACTLY who it was immediately. I have often though she was thinking of killing ppl right at that very moment...she looks scary...she growls...scowls...she mumbles...and carries weird shit in her like busted dolls etc...she looks more angry than I do. Same with her I have questions...if she has always been sick...does she have good support...what does she love...does anything ever make her smile?

There is a guy at Boston Pizza whenever I am there...he sits alone in relatively the same spot each time...Maybe it’s the cheap pasta Tuesday every time – I am not sure about his pattern, only my own. haha ~ Anyhow...he is creepy as fuck and not in a mentally ill kind of way – it is in a predator creep asshole kind of way...I watch him watch women who walk by...I feel him watching me as I walk by...he is gross. He exudes creepiness...he doesn’t even try to appear normal...the good thing about men like this is they are not covert or tricky...they are so obviously disgusting and have questionable intentions where women are concerned that I cannot imagine any human with an iota of common sense or mindfulness being lured by such a douche. Same with him – I wonder why he is the way he is...where he lives...if he has ever followed through with his Jen Perceived Creepiness...what happened to him in his life to make him look so shady and sneery...

People watching...so fun. Wonder what it says about me that I seem so fascinated by the mentally ill?

I miss you Freddy

2011-10-31T11:27:00.000-07:00

Another weekend zipped by...Shawn was in town from Kelowna. He made me eat a bog bowl of quinoa which was actually not putrid with berries cinnamon and vanilla almond milk. Did some computer chatting and bought something off him that should apparently change my life and make my computer so fast it is ridonculous. Sweet.

Glad Halloween is nearly done...not really in love with my kids intense love for all things Halloween as it translates into one giant excuse to party 4 days in a row so I am pissed off at her and don’t feel like looking at her currently. There is gunna come a day when she ‘gets’ what it is like to give a fuck about something more than yourself and when she “gets” it I am gunna point and LAUGH SO HARD my oxygen mask is gunna come loose and I might almost die from lack of oxygen but I will still laugh at her and the suffering she will experience...I do understand there are varying degrees of this sort of thing...some ppl are chill and that shit doesn’t keep them up at night at all...while there are some of us who are constantly tormented and worry like a head case...I admit I am borderline psychotic about it but contrary to popular belief I reign that shit in pretty good b/c I know its irrational...though I still expect common courtesy and a heads up about her whereabouts and plan just so I know for peace of mind and safety reasons but OMG you would think I was the FBI the way she whines and snivels that I am stalking her...she has a skewed perspective of my intentions quite honestly. She has a fairly inflated sense of how interested I am in what she is doing...that I tend to prefer being ignorant about but to me knowing her plan and such is just common sense safety...how the fuck am I supposed to sleep if I think she might be in a ditch somewhere dying of hypothermia? Or was clipped by a car and tossed out of sight to die in the tall grass?! If I know her ETA or she checks in via a quick text msg then that seems like a decent solution...though truly it KILLS her to offer up any morsel of consideration or kindness twds me...how convenient that that she can just say I AM CRAZY and blow me off...little a-hole. Yeah parenthood...for all its trials and tribulations it is still better than not...I reminds myself of a few friends who lost their kids recently and all this shit seems unimportant in the larger scheme of things.

I have a few craft projects on the go....but I have decided to really DEFY the xmas disease this year...I usually have $ set aside well before now and have most of it done, bough and organized but this year...NOTHING. I do not have 1 dime or 1 item for the ingrate sprog even...nothing...I have a few token things for Maddie & Squid planned & that’s it...THE END. I MAY or MAY NOT even do xmas cards this year. Whatever small item Ayla gets (she was pre-warned due to her mexico trip) will be got from my Dec 23rd payday HAHAHAHAHA OHHH AWESOMMMMMMMMMMMEEE!!!

I am already thinking about my xmas tree too...gunna forego the twig this year I think...the cat is too douche-y about all those pretty dangly things. Problem is the wee tree I have is not big enough I don’t think for all my weird ornaments...I may need to upgrade...I am SO PISSED I did not snatch Kelly-Jean’s awesome xmas tree at the garage sale last spring.... ::stomps foot:: It was a plug in self-lighting one and it was GROOVY!

OK I think I am done bitching about things now...I was at a baby shower lunch Sunday only it wasn’t stupid with games and other retarded activity...at this shower was a baby named Freddy who I instantly glommed onto...he was just about 5 mths old (perfect, not floppy and smiles etc) and cuter than cute can be...oh sweet jesus I thought I might lactate right at the table...not.even.joking. He smelled so good...he was my afternoon bliss...it was a good few hours with friends and baby sniffing...Tara is due in about 6ish weeks with baby Isaac...she scored some great loot...

OMFG Donna dressed up like the Hamburglar today for Halloween and Erin is Kermit (News Reporter Kermit) @ work....cracks me up...didn’t see many costumes on the way to work sadly...1 PIKACHU, 1 SPONGEBOB and 1 WITCH....that’s IT! Boo!

Fryday Duh-Ness

2011-10-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

Hectic doing nothing. Ok not entirely true...My evenings are spent on the phone with Tere & redoing 2 computers...my NEW OLD one and Lisa’s NEW OLD one that was my OLD one. I had forgotten how time consuming it is...hours and hours – days and days....tinkering. But it is the kind of time that flies so you don’t notice til you look at the clock every night and its bedtime and you haven’t done shit all else @ home. Oops.

Not gunna lie – I am pretty much desperate to feel nothing these days...emotions have been running pretty high the last few weeks and I am about done with it all and want to just slip into a nothingness coma. How’s that for avoidance skills? The real skill would be if I could actually perform such a personal miracle.

A. managed to sneak her awesome self into the OBHS Halloween Dance last night...it was all she has talked about all week...their plan to tape the door doo-hickie so they could weasel in wasn’t what got them in though...it was a random unsecured door...and in they went for a night of fun. I am sure school today will be super fun for her! Ha! It is really cute seeing her so excited about something...with just 6 mths of high school left the next while is going to be pretty eventful I am sure.

Really looking fwd to Cathy arriving next week and the 2 weeks I have off while she is here so we can chill and relax...I don’t think I have ever been able to take her past visits off entirely so this is a sort of treat.

This weekend...I am gunna make T&A a baked pasta dish...cuz I am nice & they are nice too. Sunday I am attending a lunch/mellow non-loser baby shower @ a pub so that’ll be okay...Mama Tara is due in a few mths with a very UNEXPECTED BABY BOY so I have a few little doodads for her...

Tonight is dog walky night with Donna and maybe Lisa’s dog too if she wants to relinquish that chore for the night...

11 Years

2011-10-24T02:48:00.000-07:00

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa

My friend Deanna had this tattooed on herself recently...a fitting quote for life in general.

On this 11th anniversary of my little brothers passing I find myself surrounded by grief...shrouded in the anguish of 2 women who lost their boys to suicide. Nothing spurs perspective like spending hours on the phone with a crying mom missing her boy...living in a personal hell over the events that have changed her life forever. Loss is an understatement. How do you comfort someone agonizing over her son being dead on the floor for 4 hours - alone, before anyone got to him? Brokenhearted that she never got to see her son, hold his hand or hug him one last time before cremation...reliving the horror in her mind of his last moment...alone with his dark sadness and sickness...I just sit there quietly weeping along with her - reminded of how life was 11 years ago as I imagined all the same things and obsessed about details and drowned in a well full of WHAT IF's trying to get through the day.

Mindfuckery is the word alright...how do you tell someone so deep in guilt, sorrow and their own personal hell that they won't always feel that way...? It is a lie...you always feel that way - you just get more used to it...time heals shit all...time just provides people with more opportunity to get better at day to day crap.

I could type about 10 pages worth of my own self indulgent grief drivel right now...but I feel like sitting in the back seat and just trying to focus on others right now...my grief is weathered...I feel like a veteran of this shit...with 11 years experience feeling heartbroken and lost about something I can never change. I have bigger fish to fry...

My brother Glenn would be 35 is he were still alive...I would enjoy laughing at his gray hair as he tried to maintain his hardcore youthful facade or his midlife crisis he would surely be having...or how much child support he would probably be doling out by now...it is weird to imagine him as a full fledged grown up b/c to me he is always this little kid in a floppy hat...even when I dream about him he is usually the little kid I grew up with. Even when he was alive and in his 20's this is what he was to me in my head and heart...

And so it goes...onward we march trying to make sense of it all...I am pondering many topics these days: mental illness stigma, advocacy, prevention, heartburn....fuck I have heartburn a lot these days...I am obsessing terribly...my kid walks out of the house and I feel like I might have a heart attack...

On the flip side...her coming to Sam Roberts with Donna and I was fun...really nice actually... great seeing her enjoy music like I do. I can see it in her...she has the bug...I gave it to Glenn and to her. ::takes a bow::

It is almost 3 am...this weary broad has to get to bed...I am too old for these late nights...light a candle for the lost boys today....for Glenn, Jesse and Taylor....

onward she rolls...

2011-10-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

I got a haircut today. I am not traumatized. I took my hairdresser Alisa chocolate to butter her up and it really was a decent experience...she took too much time bothering to teach me how to be girly but that's ok...she didn't know better and I don't hold it against her. She gave me a good haircut and fixed all my hacking and relayered it all proper so - no drama.

I have not eaten one decent item of food today. Not one. This is rather disturbing.

Tomorrow I am hitting a flick with Lisa in the afternoon...then its the Sam Roberts how in the evening with A. and Donna...I am not allowed to type A's name anymore b/c she doesn't like coming up in google searches on here. Fair enough. Sunday it's the Walking Dead show with Erin, Arf and Esther again!

I have talked to Tere every day this week...I find it as comforting as she does I think...I can gauge how she is at that given moment anyway. It is heartbreaking everyday to hear her speak about Taylor...saying things like she doesn't care that she will never be a Gramma she is just so sad Taylor never got the chance to be a dad...or won't drink his favorite chocolate milk again. At some point it occurred to me without much deep thought that I needed to do something...I have sat for a decade+ wanting to do 'something' helpful and productive in regards to people in crisis...I applied to be a Distress Services Volunteer...it is a huge commitment and a lot of training but I figured if I get screened in (no idea if I am cut out for this or if I will pass their requirements) it would be a positive step for me to feel like I am not idly sitting by the phone waiting to get another call about someone I know being gone. Suicide is an ugly ugly ugly mindfuck for anyone who has had to experience the influx of conflicting emotions and anger it kicks up. Loss is loss - I will not argue that and we all deal with loss in our own way but there is a level of fuckery to suicide that is just not present in other deaths...it is not something I can articulate in words either.

All this madness has driven me to listen to old Sheena Easton music...what the hell!?

RIP Taylor

2011-10-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

Tere & Taylor

I got a call late last night from my friend Tere. I knew immediately from the sound of her voice her son Taylor was dead, before she said it. I even knew why.

I met Tere & Taylor when I worked at the YMCA Daycare in Metrotown/Burnaby the year before I was pregnant. Taylor was this painfully cute little ginger boy with endless energy and a killer smile. Tere was a single mom, struggling to keep afloat in the big city of Vancouver...struggling with a boy who never tired and kept her hopping. She was beautiful - so petite and small in stature but made an immediate impression on me b/c she was tough and independent. At the time I had no idea I would be in her same position a few yrs down the line but when I was she was someone to emulate.

She was amazing with Taylor...her patience with him, her sense of humor about all the shitty things that would happen in life...she always smiled. It was clear where he got his smile from. Taylor was not your typical kid - he had some behavioral/learning issues, if I recall he was ADHD back before it was the popular diagnosis...she got him through high school and graduated...he did try living with his dad when he was a teen but he always came home to his loving momma...Tere worked with him and he got into BCIT! This is a HUGE achievement for someone who struggled to learn traditionally all through high school - he completed 2 years of his journeyman's ticket, was doing well...always smiling, made people laugh, nicest kid ever...He was living on his own and Tere would pick up his laundry once a week and make sure he had clean clothes...he would come to her place and "grocery shop" in her cupboards...he was on top of the world seemingly.

He had started taking some medication that for whatever reason did not serve him well. Tere was unaware that his Gramma took him to get a Rx for antidepressants...I don't know all the details and the coroner/toxicology reports are not in but it sounds like he was one of those rare cases where the medication works the opposite of how it is supposed to (spurring hallucinations, psychosis, suicidal behavior)...and I do not know where Taylor got a gun either but before it was all over there was a police stand off, shots fired at cars outside his house and a 20 year old kid dead by his own hand inside the house. He was clearly not himself.

Needless to say Tere is on autopilot. She drives places and doesn't remember driving there. He was her only child...she spent 20 years giving all of herself to him to ensure he was ok and did well and made the best of his abilities and she did a fantastic job. He really was a lovely kid and this sort of loss is impossible to get over or wrap your head around. It is completely fucking rotten and I am really worried about her...
It has taken her 3 weeks to start telling people who are not immediate family or in their vicinity...when she runs into ppl in the neighborhood who knew them she tells them he was in a car accident b/c she cannot bare to explain it all...she started driving her dog to a dog park far away so she would stop seeing familiar faces...can't say I blame her...she is in counseling thankfully...and is being encouraged to tell the truth...

Most every one's gone home now...and she is alone more often...now she is making the calls to the far away friends who knew Taylor letting them know he is gone...her heart is broken, she is a mess...all the meaning in her life is gone...and I do not know what to say to her b/c I do not know how the hell I would go on either.

I am home today - I couldn't face work looking like a puffer fish and being so raw...this brings up a lot of stuff about my brother of course - it will be 11 yrs he's been gone next Monday...it never goes away...the ugliness of grief...and losses like Taylor only magnify it and make it all the more crippling in your head and heart. It surrounds us...Wendy losing her son Jesse just 4 mths ago....that poor kid in Ontario this week at 15 who killed himself b/c he said he could not take another 3 yrs of high school nonacceptance and bullying...just b/c he was the only openly gay kid in school...seriously....fuck.

RIP Taylor...my favorite ginger boy...send some good vibes to Tere please...she is going to need them...xo

Oct 15 2011 OCCUPY VICTORIA, BC

2011-10-15T21:39:00.003-07:00

Oct 15 2011 OCCUPY VICTORIA, BC 023, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

and the SIGN WINNER of the day is....

Oct 15 2011 OCCUPY VICTORIA, BC

2011-10-15T21:39:00.001-07:00

Oct 15 2011 OCCUPY VICTORIA, BC 069, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

my favorite speaker of the day...kicked ass.

Oct 15 2011 OCCUPY VICTORIA, BC

2011-10-15T21:38:00.001-07:00

Oct 15 2011 OCCUPY VICTORIA, BC 124, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

crushing

2011-10-15T21:37:00.005-07:00

Oct 15 2011 VICTORIA, BC 174, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

and squishing heads

crushing

2011-10-15T21:37:00.003-07:00

Oct 15 2011 VICTORIA, BC 175, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

and squishing heads

awesome nerds

2011-10-15T21:37:00.001-07:00

Oct 15 2011 VICTORIA, BC 185, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

playing light sabers in the sunshine...really liked this...they did not care who saw them either...which makes it even better...and their light sabers made the HUM noises!

New Art Gallery

2011-10-15T21:35:00.003-07:00

Oct 15 2011 VICTORIA, BC 191, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this mural...I love her....sighhhh

Aldo Nova...

2011-10-15T21:35:00.001-07:00

Oct 15 2011 002, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

even though you have a dumb name I love your record A LOT!

picked this up for Harrison...

2011-10-15T21:34:00.001-07:00

Oct 15 2011 001, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Occupy a la Jen!

2011-10-15T21:26:00.000-07:00

Very interesting day...the Victoria 'Occupy' protest/rally/demonstration/march (whatever you want to call it) was quite a success...I was worried the #'s would be low and embarrassing but there were far more ppl than I expected...esp for the march so that was cool.

Guy, Donna & I went to the Leg Bldgs and heard some speakers...some

were horrific but a few were really excellent. The person hosting the even was rather annoying all but demanding ppl in masks remove them - it got really annoying esp b/c there was not even a slight air of violence or mischief (aside from what was coming from Guy Monty) in the vicinity...

My favorite speaker was the cool asian kid...he put together an amazing presentation/speech and it had some serious balls and heart. His figures were a little skewed (but he may have just misread or misspoke...not sure) but it did not matter b/c his intent was clear...he was pissed and hell bent on exposing the reason why Canada, the US and Europe etc are all in the mess we are in and demanding accountability. FUCKING LOVED IT. I hope that kid goes on to do more of that.

After that we grabbed lunch and then tooled around downtown...hit a few thrift stores...I scored a couple records...one in particular gave me a giant BONER...Aldo Nova's debut LP a la 1982...fml I had this cassette and listened to it like a mofo...totally reminds me of my grandparents trailer on Klahanie Drive b/c it was super big with the JW guys on the street who I would hang around with even though they were forbidden to hang out with HEATHEN JEN and I was forbidden to hang out with them b/c they were nut-bars (Thanks Chuck haha)...'Hang around with' is code for 'meeting @ Scuttle Bay and making out and getting high'. So yeah I am listening to this record and fucking loving ever moment...though I still hate the same song on it hat I hated back then..."SEE THE LIGHT" - uck - dumb song.

I also found myself a bedroom mirror...At 1st I was going to paint it but the more I look at it in its crazy tacky weirdness I don't think I will...it has a red velvet back on it and is from Italy...it reminds me of some garish church thing...so I will clean it up and hang it and use it as my snow white mirror to blow dry my hair in the AM in my bedroom...today I realized I still blow dry my hair in the living room and I NO LONGER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WAKING ANYONE UP IN THE MORNING WITH THE NOISE...so I am relocating that back to the bedroom!

Tonight I am just chilling...wondering why Lisa Coleman never returns my phone calls...I miss her and she is avoiding all social contact at the moment and it makes it kinda hard to give someone a hand or make a plan to help out WHEN THEY DON'T CALL YA BACK! (Did u hear me COLEMAN!!!!!!!?) Aside from that I am just burping up stuffing and wishing I was not.

I have been selling stuff on usedvic for Tracey all week...and I have made her a nice little pile of money but she still has yet to sell the weird porcelain dolls or the baby george rotisserie and when ppl come over to buy stuff I feel the need to explain that the dolls are for sale and NOT part of my weirdo collection...

Just over 2 weeks til Aunty Cathy is here...
weeeeeeee!

Ayla's grade 12 pics turned out nice I thought...she hates them of course but I really like that she is completely relaxed and not trying to smile in them....I am sure her grad pics will be nice as well...the girl takes a damn good picture. Brat.

Complete...

2011-10-11T18:04:00.000-07:00

My traveling for the month is complete...My trip south of the border was a great one...a shit ton better than my b'day weekend I can tell you that much. Michelle & Harrison & Mia are fabulous hosts and spoiled me quite madly - above and beyond really...it was a great weekend. We had good hang out time, chats and fun stuff on the go. It was really cool to see Michelle in her own realm...and finally meet H & Mia. Seeing some of Seattle was awesome...I love that city's vibe...I really would like to boat over there for a weekend and just explore downtown and wander about...Ayla is totally on board with this...

Anyway...as I said great weekend with great people...thank you guys for making it such a worthwhile time.
The EMP museum was cool...it is a music lovers dream, all that paraphernalia...the gift shop was drool-worthy...I bought myself a vinyl copy of The Clash's LONDON CALLING...The Nirvana exhibit was interesting...I am pretty schooled in the timeline of Nirvana's rise and fall so I did not feel compelled to read all the stuff but the unseen items, posters, photos, art work by Kurt, etc were pretty damn cool.
The Jimi Hendrix exhibit was funky too...lots of interactive stuff @ EMP...if you are even in Seattle it is worth a stop.

I ate a donut at ROCKET DONUTS that changed my life...I dunno wtf it was called...it's goodness made me forget it's name...no fooling. Anyhow - it is how every other donut on earth shall be judged now...

No it was not that bacon one in the picture below...I did not go there.

I was certainly schooled in the art of pretend meat this weekend...staying with vegetarians and all...the soy hot dog place in Seattle was kick ass...and the Canadian Thanksgiving feast made with TOFURKEY & QUORN was shockingly good tasting...not even kidding!

I arrived home with no border cop issues at all which was lovely...though I still spent far too much time convinced some low life slipped hash into my carry on bag...

I came home and made a gigantical thanksgiving dinner - Alex came over and chowed with us and hung out while we chatted LIFE LOGISTICS while A. layed on the couch in a carb coma. haha Today I have just tiddled around...back to work tomorrow...booo!

On the road...

2011-10-11T17:40:00.000-07:00

EMP/Space Needle, Seattle WA

Funny that on my birthday BC Ferries made it pretty clear that I am a crabby person.

EMP - CYCLONE of GUITARS

Cyber Dogs in Seattle - the meat free hot dog joint...really cool inside and I have to say the chili dog I ate was pretty good!

MIA!

Seattle - I Love You.

2011-10-11T17:19:00.000-07:00

Yes - that's right...a maple long john with BACON on it. Bellingham's ROCKET DONUTS has some kick ass donuts!

Happiest puffer fish on earth...I loved this thing @ ON RICE where we went for Thai.

The EMP Museum was pretty damn cool...any music fan would enjoy the exhibits and the scene in there.

Harrison, Michelle & I at the SKY CHURCH @ the EMP...biggest and best gigantical screen I have ever seen.

Yep - I ate TOFURKEY! My American friends were thoughtful enough to make me a Canadian Thanksgiving feast and it was pretty damn good considering no meat was involved.

Yep...

2011-10-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

I am off to see the Benedetti's in Washington this weekend...
REALLY looking fwd to a pleasant border experience this trip so...cross your fingers.

Thanksgiving dinner will be Monday...Lisa is coming to join us...I could not find a chicken that did not repulse me so I got a whack of chicken breasts and am going to make a whack of stuffing and all the other TG stuff and just wing it!

Have a good weekend with whoever you are spending it with...even if u cant stand them much hahaha

weirdos

2011-10-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

Some ppl are so weird...I am selling stuff on usedvictoria.com for a friend of mine and ppl email and haggle and then ask if I can hold it for a month til they have some $ hahahahahaha JFC...

Alex is getting a pug...and naming him Chief Wiggam...I keep calling him Captain Wigwam by mistake.
Puppies are maddening...good luck Alex...I know Lisa is having such a grand time with her puppy Roxi hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (sorry Lisa)...

I am sitting here listening to a record...got my heated wheatie neck thinger on making me sweat...dishes are done...Ayla's pissed at me b/c I suck for a variety of reasons not worth talking about...I have purchased my travel insurance for going to Washington this week...FUN! Really looking fwd to checking out their new place and then hitting Seattle for this: CLICK HERE DOOF! Plus I finally get to meet Michelle's hubster Harrison and little Ms Mia....and have some face to face time with Michelle...! GLORIOUS!

Less than a month til Aunty Cathy visits...weeeeeeeeeee!!!

Lunch making time.....UGH.

PTSD

2011-10-04T22:01:00.000-07:00

Well...that was an eventful birthday weekend. That neck issue I had went full blown...Saturday @ the ferry terminal as I watched the ferry pulling in was standing at the window crying in fucking agony debating with myself about whether I was well enough to go over to Vancouver...the spasms were unrelenting. The charlie horses in my neck every time I moved or thought about moving were awful. I opted to go over and go straight to a Dr office to try and get some anti inflammatory meds b/c there was some serious shit going on. Laura was not impressed with coming to get me in her car and I heard about it the whole ride back to her hood...this did not help with my state of mind at all as you can imagine.

My visit to the Dr was futile. I specifically told him T3s were useless for this pain and I needed some anti inflammatory stuff...he poopoo'd me and Rx's me T3's ffs & a referral for massage therapy....at that point I was feeling so dire and horrible I gave in and decided since I was there I may as well make the best of the weekend...I am not sure exactly if it was b/c I was in absolute agony or perhaps my old age of 41 but I was finding Laura's company really negative and a downer to say the least...this coming from the cripple...she seemed rather put out that I was there but I had intended to stay at a hotel at the venue and really should have done so b/c I found the whole experience really uncomfortable and awkward. I am not sure why on earth she invited me to stay at her place quite honestly.

As it turned out there was no extra bed at her place...or a couch to sleep on...sleeping on a foam mat on the floor is not good 4 this fatty on a normal day...being completely incapacitated by your busted gibble neck made it that much more horrifying. Had I been thinking clearly I would have booked a room at the venue right then...but I was not thinking well. If I could do it all over again I would have done EVERYTHING differently. But ANYWAY...the friendship has not weathered the test of time and this is not something shocking...we have nothing in common but our history and perhaps in those situations the way to keep things "ok" is 2 keep everything at arms length...oh hindsight, how you rock my world.

Without turning this into a catty asshole post lets just say I will not be pursuing a regular visit schedule with her and plan to let the already limited friendship slide.

Anyway - despite the cost, the pain, the suffering and filth - the SHOW was AWESOME! Liam Finn was FANfuckingTASTIC and it was 1.5 hrs of bliss...LOVED IT!! Excellent live show...super fun...I planted myself in a spot and just kept myself clear of being jostled and it was BLISS...! I left there feeling like not all was lost...could have stuck around to meet him and such but I don't like that sorta thing so I was content to be on my merry way. I am leaving a shit load of details out to spare you the pain and boredom.

Once I finally got home (1 train ride, 1 bus ride, 1 ferry ride, 2 bus rides later) **that's right - no ride to the ferry for gimped Jenny** I gobbled some old anti inflammatory meds I had prescribed to me in the past and thank gawd b/c they worked like a hot damn...I took Mon off to just keep my head still and by the end of the day Mon the swelling was way down and spasms were history...gunna take a few more days worth of AI's and then I should be okay to head to Washington Sat.

Last time I make birthday plans again.

2011-09-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

I have crinked myself. I was moving really heavy boxes of paper at work yesterday and ZING! This morning it is full blown ugly. I have a heat patch slapped on and I gotta say when you can’t move your arms like you usually can it is a challenge to get those sticky things on in the right spot...but never fear...I prevailed and am enjoying the minty hotness burning my neck and shoulder. I would really prefer to have this peaked and over with my Saturday morning please and thank you. Skulking around the city like Quasimoto is not my ideal way to spend a day...besides Laura has enough reason to mock and harass me (homemade hair cut etc) I don’t want to show up hunched or I will never hear the end of it. She has already threatened to take me kayaking and hiking...

Today it is the office lunch at Milestones...red curry rice bowl here I come. I can taste the bliss already. If you have not had the red curry rice bowl then I just feel sorry for you.

BOUGHT A RECORD PLAYER LAST NIGHT ON USEDVICTORIA. OMG I am stoked to play records again...I am slightly sad I didn’t save my whole collection BUT this will make thrift storing even more awesome now that I can buy up all the cool K-Tel records I see and used to have when I was 11. I loved K-Tel records!!! They were always a welcomed gift at xmas...I have recently seen some humdingers that I am eager to fetch! The new record player will be going in my room as that is where one listens to old records...in a bedroom...this creates a far more intimate experience with the record being listened to. Trust me on it. I have spent countless hours in a bedroom listening to records...I know shit.

Facebook is starting to bring me down man...not only am I aware of its vacuous time wasting traits the new ‘update’ is really annoying...and yes I know it is free...but that also means I have the option to stop using it or limit my use in a dramatic way. Guy has recently hit the bricks b/c the privacy settings are so retarded...I thought they would remedy that...give it a tweak...but it appears it was ON PURPOSE...?? The thing that bothers me most is as a user I can go though my entire friend list ONE BY FUCKING ONE and untick a box for each friend that will prevent me from seeing them comment on other ppls posts...ppl I am not even friends with...YET I do not have an option to untick or tick something so that i can PREVENT my friends from seeing EVERYTHING I do on other ppl posts...it is a huge lack of privacy and even though I am doing nothing illicit or shifty I am insulted that I have no control over these settings...I am pretty much 100% sure that not every one of my friends is going to go through their entire list of friends and untick this feature...so...I have found myself rather turned off...and Google+ doesn’t feel like much of an alternative...Twitter is gay but its simplicity is at least its simplicity is straightforward and not invasive. I am not rushing into anything – I have in the past deleted my FB account and then regretted it hahaha but I have noticed since getting Facebookitis I don’t read ppls blogs anymore or follow many or participate on message boards...which irritates me...FB has become a DEFAULT and I am thinking that needs to change.

Just over a month before Aunty Cathy gets here...Weeeeeee!! 2 days for Liam Finn! 8 days til I am in Bellingham hanging with my American pals...24 days til Sam Roberts...60 days til Matthew Good! 73 days til Tori Amos!
Oh and fuck CHRISTMAS! Me and Ayla decided to stay home and be SUPER MINIMALISTS this year...make a nice dinner but not get sucked into the hype...Because she is going to Mexico in March we are focusing all $ on that and grad so this year will be her 1st adult style xmas pile...which sounds incredibly dirty and perverted but that’s not what I mean at all. It will not involve sex toys or poo. I mean that present pile will be VERY small...I have already started preparing her.

Grind begins again at 5:45 am

2011-09-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed this Monday off...it was cold and rainy and I stayed in cooking and cleaning out my bedroom closet...prepping my emergency kit after seeing CONTAGION yesterday...JHC...ppl touch their faces over 2000 times a day...that movie mind-fucked me...my favorite part was when Tracey and I were fully enthralled some lady up front started coughing...I may have had to turtle my poop it was THAT spooky. The movie is good...how they break it down how shit spreads will haunt me for life though.

Back to work tomorrow...5 days til I am off to the city for Liam Finn...and hang out time with Laura...I look fwd to Laura (hairdresser) judging my home cut hair...it will give us hours of amusement...and will branch off into the countless hours of material from 20 yrs ago where she gave me terrible perms and hair cuts and all the time I have fallen down in her presence. We laugh a lot...we have VERY LITTLE in common but we have history and that goes a longggg way! Oddly enough I am feeling really weird about going to Vancouver...the sky train system is nuts now and while Laura is planning on picking me up i am prepared in case something comes up and she can't and the thought of dealing with Vancouver transit is causing me mild anxiety..I admit it...I know once I am there and in it I am fine but like with everything I am good at being a gawd damn alarmist.

Oh and the best part of it all...I will in GROUND ZERO MENSTRUAL HADES...hahahahahah fugg.