hahahahaha celery ahahahha

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him saying hello.
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says
"Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to hiswife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She said,"No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."

monkey says YO!

u dont realize how often u graze/slam into walls until u have textured walls and seem to be losing a lot of skin b/c of it....
honestly...im not terribly co ordinated but jesus...a little skin on my forearms would be NICE! we wont even talk about my knuckles.

i really have to go get new shoes...i can not stand my gay white runners...the HURT MY FEELINGS cuz i look so frikkin nerd meister in them...im not usually too worried about what im wearing cuz really...im a realist...but...gawd damn i hate white runners.

kellee sent a cool parcel of yummy smellies today...and funny underwear...funny clocks...titty candy...etc....SO COOL...thanks lady!

i have the itchiest itch on my back right now...
i hope its not leporsy/leprosy or ebola

what ever happened to ebola? damn it was all the rage 4 a while there...whenever something like that crops up i assume the govt is just trying to take attention away from some fucktardish thing its done/doing....

i am in love with the hawaiian Lt. who is refusing to go to Iraq and calling the war illegal etc...guys got balls...I am loving how so many more ppl are finally waking up to the reality of that fucking war and how truly greed-mongerish it is...

Kelly - i sent yer curtains and a little thing for Maddie...i think when shes walking she will look SOOOOOOO cute in it!

im listening to kate bush...my new fish finally ate a pellet of food this morning...i was starting to think she was too stupid to eat.

wtf

im a bit disturbed at the fact a few ppl have told me this kitchen light fixture is kinda cool.

i think its kinda cheesie and retarded retro looking

...its very 60/70's...

of course when i asked the admirers if theyd like to take it home 4 their own kitchen they declined....bastards

CLOUDY + COLD = BONER TIME

omg no sun today, i am BLISSFULLY HAPPY...i hate summer already and its not even july.
i will surely die this year.

im sitting in front my my wide open patio, jammies hiked up so that i can get serious hypothermia to make up 4 the previous hot days of suffering.

DaVinci Code was pretty damn cool...
ive read about mary mag. being jesus's *partner*...makes more sense than the retarded version we were spoon fed in church...
and since im not find of christianity in the slightest you just know the movie appealed to my blasphemous self.

Arika is going to the swiss mountains for xmas with her english stud...the whole cabin is knotty pine...ohh i love knotty pine! naughty arika...in the forrest (hahahah)

My aunty cathy is having some eye issues at the moment...so aunty cathy, rest assured knowing I am using my goddess like powers to WILL your eye back to its previous state of wellness.... (im sure she will sleep well now) ha! xo

what charities do u guys support?
pam and i were discussing this on the weekend...how some i just dont think are important (going to hell i know) when ppl across the globe are being slaughtered...send a kid to camp? or feed a starving kid in darfur? hmmm thats NOT a tough one...esp when u think the chances of any of yer $ going directly to thing needed most is improbable.
i donate $ to amnesty each month and surprisingly dont feel bad about it when im broke (haha)...
i donate my change at the teller when im shopping and they collect for something...shit i blow more $ on stupider shit...but im always shocked at work when ppl wont donate their 45 cents in change to the 24 Hr Relay to send gibbled kids to camp....ITS 45 CENTS!!!!! even if u think its a gay charity its 45 cents!!!!
i loved collecting for the tsunami, that one i could suck oodles of $ outta ppl...and the images were so vivid in ppls minds they were dumping out their wallets...our store kicked ass on that collection...i think we kicked ass on the whole island if i recall.
i have trouble getting really excited about the 24 Hr Relay...esp b/c id rather collect $ to send poor abused kids to camp rather than kids that likely have caring parents already....or feed some hungry folk downtown...
That's just me though...

the crystal ship...

thats my fav doors song.
i dunno why.

well the house is still a half assed wreck ....once I get all the boxes empty and broken down its gunna be fab!
esp in my room bc that room is the dumping ground.

aunty pam infected me with menstruation this weekend....pheromones suck.
Women (and men) secrete odorless molecules, called pheromones, in a manner as common as sweating. In fact, the sweat of many mammals contains pheromone chemicals. The molecules from one woman bounce and jiggle their way airborne and waft to another. Receptors in the nose detect the pheromones and the second woman responds by shortening or lengthening her menstrual period. Gradually, over the course of a few months, the periods of all the women living together synchronize in this way.

my kid is back to her old bi-polar self....i probably shouldnt joke about that.

manager meeting tomorrow.
im sure ill get shit cuz my store is sucking ass.
apparently its common when a new manager who knows fuck all takes over (insert maniacal laughter here)...

ayla got ive bombed by a crow the other day... im really pissed off i missed that...it dove at her 3x...even went for her head hahahahaha
good thing aunty pam was there to save her...or she'd have no eyes.

bought a fish today.... its teenie and small...but not dead. haha ive named it Morgana...Ayla will hate it and call it Skippy or something...but im calling her Morgana.

camera batteries still MIA

im sleepy but i wanted to say HI

Aunty Pam and Jim were here for the weekend, went by REALLY fast but it was fun...
Ayla's dance show was a hoot...she was fab!
pictures to come of her all dolled up.

P & J got us a little bistro set for the balcony....I cant say that w/o using a british accent... hahaha

the place is coming together...i just spent a retarded amt of $ on curtains...and other various crap.

the 4 of us went and saw the NASCAR movie at the IMAX THEATRE **click here**
it was shockingly interesting...

Deanna sent down a most lovely Gustav Klimt picture/tile for our new place...and a book on how to catch crabs (ill send a picture of it asap cuz its really funny haha)
thanks lady!!!

someone froze my corn on the cob! gasp!

i cant quite get a grip on my fridge tempt....all my shits getting frozen and wrecked...grrrr

this morning ayla was making herself a turkey bun for her lunch and a bug came darting at her that looked disgustingly like a silverfish although my eardrums were too busy being pierced from her over reactive screams to really get a good look at it...I dont mind bugs on the FLOOR...but on the counters...ummmm no that will no do.
Sun and Mon off will be spent dousing the kitchen in bleach and scrubbing the shit out of all the cupboards b4 i put in the spongy lining thing down.
I have that spongy liner but i hate mactac even more so...

i had the gayest of gay dreams...that me and some UNNAMED past *friend* of mine were cohabitating in my aunty cathys old farm house...and i said fuck it im moving back to victoria and u can fuck off (not to aunty cathy) so i started packing and was in a major hurry and trying not to forget anything so the place looked hideous and then cathy said not to worry cuz they were bulldozing it anyhow hahahaha woot woot! then my unnamed friend wasnt a hug good bye and i told him to go fuck himself.
hahaha

I have a giant zit on my chin...when i hear voices in my head im sure its the zit mocking me for looking so spooky.
I swear this thing is an INCH off my face.

Ooooo how i love work calls at 830 am...u just know NOTHING good is gunna come from that.

not a soccer mom...or a baseball mom...or a dance mom...

I remember taking my kid to baseball and feeling like an oddball...
then there was the lululoserlemon incident....
numerous school events...
but todays dance dress rehearsal took the cake I think...
not only do I think the whole thing is GAY GAY GAY and SHOWY and GIRLY...they insisted we get there at 4 pm....parents are NOT allowed into the theatre (oooo the big time), we get there and find out the time was changed to 430-500 pm ARGG!!!!!
so I drop her off...
having NO idea when I have to be back to pick her up, my cellphones near dead...she calls to say shes IN and OK...and i tell her to call me with a time so i know when to come back....la la la ....2 hrs go by...no phone call...i stupidly assume its bc shes SO busy....so i go back to the theatre...wait....watch a flailing near dead bird in the middle of the road...watched a nice lady on a bike go pick it up out of traffic and put it on the sidewalk...(i personally was hoping it would get squashed by a car and put it out of its misery *since i didnt have the balls or decency to stomp on its poor feathery head*)...finally its nearing 7 pm...im about 2 fucking lose it. I dunno whether to go home cuz then shed call and id have to go back...
so i ask some ditzy twat (who turned out to be aylas dance teacher who she cant stand) wtf is going on...well shit aylas group wasnt even CLOSE to being onstage yet....i must have had quite the snear on my face...i tell the lady ive already been waiting over 2 hrs and im going home and ayla can take a cab home...she looked at me like i was a leper, like a kid taking a cab is social blasphemy...? wtf...prissy bitch...anyhow she INVITES me to come watch since they wont let ayla go home in a cab (HAHAHAHAHA which is funny cuz...i dunno why but it was funny and im sure i cackled in her face over that one)...so i go into the theatre...see ayla...who has just been hanging out for hours doing nothing really...i give her crap about her lack of CALLING ME BACK but she said no one would tell her anything...and do u know why? BECAUSE THEY DONT KNOW SHIT THERE...what an unorganized piece of crap....so anyhow at 830 aylas group finally goes on and i smile the whole way through b/c well...my ayla is the cutest and the best dancer of course...he heh ehehehehe
so we get home at 9 pm....thats right over 5 hrs.
i did on my travels spend more money...curtains, books, BODY SHOP goodies, etc cuz im rich u know.
what a whiney fucking post...
aunty pam and uncle jim are coming tomorrow! woot woot!

space...the final frontier

We have space...
so much so that sometimes my kid cant find me in this new apt hahahaha I like this

I missed a shyte-load of birthdays this year...well I didnt forget, just MISSED due to being busy and spastic and moving...

My brother would have been 30 on May 29th...
here is some weird stuff...
we moved into this new place May 29th
Our apt # has a 2 and a 4 in it...our buzzer # is 24
my brother died on the 24th of Oct.
SEE HOW IT ALL COMES TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes i do enjoy tormenting myself over goofy shit like #s...why do u ask?
so yeah he has been on my mind EXTRA this week...

Aunty Cathy's bday was May 30....I managed to miss calling her for fear Id wake her up...
I actually have a little parcel here 4 her somewhere so once I FIND it ill actually get to mail it....ugh im such a dick.

Ray also had a birthday! (no I will not hug you ya freak)

Sister Kim's bday is June 3...im such a dick I dont have anything ready to send her...I blame the move hahahhaa
ILL MAKE IT UP TO YA KIMMY! xo

hey it was also little Evan's bday!! OoooooooOoOOoOOooooooo HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

shit I really need to find my calendar!

I need some plants...and a shower curtain...and more magic erasers...(those things are evil im sure but gawd damn it they work like a mofo)...a new clock...computer chair...laundry soap...mactac/cupboard covery thingies...a new carpet or 2...curtain rods...yeah cuz im rich u know...

Tomorrow is Ayla's dance dress rehearsal...gawd help me, I have to put her in full make up and make her hair BIG. hahahahaha
note to self: find the camera

im here im here im really really here!!!!

ok i gotta say paying OTHER ppl to move u is the CATS ASSSSSSSSSSS.... A & T & K did a fab job, well worth the 370.00
i highly recommend it!

so all our goodies are getting unpacked...
the place is coming together.
its SO MUCH BIGGER its frikkin fabulous, I didnt realize how damn cramped we were in the other cave we lived in.
my bed is right by my window...yes my VERY OWN BEDROOM WINDOW woot woot!!!! and i can stop sleeping with a hammer and/or bat since we are too high up 4 anyone to crawl in heheh hehehe hehehhe hehehehe
did I mention I HAVE MY VERY OWN ROOM?!?!?!?!?!

i am currently sitting at my omputer right next to my patio doors feeling the lovely breeze...
(oh i think i just came)

ive been so tired this week that i have developed an eye twitch to go with my broken neck...
but now that i can peep into the next bldgs window i have even more reason to live Muahahhah hahahah hahahha hahahahahah

crappy chores

ive lived here 3 yrs and have never cleaned my oven...until tonight....
im sure ill go to housekeeping hell 4 it.
but really...with the heat of an oven its gotta be STERILE so wtf!

HOLY SHYTE

im running out of time and i am now filling garbage bags as i am boxless (he he he I said boxless).....

IM ALMOST THERE!!!
might be a late night tonight but itll get done....

thank the goddess for garbage bags...theyre a trashy grrls moving accessory!

my neck is super broken today...all i can say is i am glad i wont be moving another fucking box....after work tomorrow the movers will have moved all my crap in and I can begin the process of unpacking.....weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I like unpacking!

Ayla does too...I think im done being freaky deaky mad at her...I havent seen her since yesterday.
I doubt she feels at all bad about it...little ass.

I Wonder....

if a kid has ever eaten pink insulation thinking it was cotton candy?? ya think??

I am writing this whilst having to pee and having a gibbled neck/shoulder thing going on....
This is my last day off prior to the MOVE....a majority of the day has been spent dealing with the demon spawn I have helped create.
I like to think that while I can be a real asshole at time and not always terribly patient that im a reasonable human being for the most part...
But how does one deal with a 12 yr old sitting in there room bouncing a rubber ball off the wall for 1 hr w/o resorting to violence?
How does someone reason with a devil child who is in the midst of a clear allergic/hormonal/princessness/anger/retard bout of insanity?
can't talk to her....can't reason...ignoring her makes her worse....so wtf is left?
I handed her the phone and told her to call social services to come pick her up...and to dial 911 so they'd come faster.
I am turning into one of those PARENTS IN CRISIS.....and I absolutely refuse to go there...
Going to be some BIG changes in the new place...there is clearly no more room for picking my battles b/c by doing so she seems to have gotten the idea it means she rules the roost and runs the universe...thus when things dont go her way she just can not cope.
I am also thinking of sending the little lucifer to a counsellor so she can vent about how I am apparently hideous, unreasonable and downright unfit as a human...only to then think 5 mins later that im cool and fun.
This is not the life I want for myself...the chaos and the consistent drama...I am always willing to compromise and such but I think the little evil imp has been given far too much liberal rope...
I dont want to turn into a tyrrant of a parent but THIS doesnt seem to be working...sure its all age/hormone appropriate but Im tired of being treated like shit & ITS NOT LIKE THE KID HAD A TERRIBLE LIFE & is acting out accordingly.... She has turned into a spoiled fucking brat and I dont like her very much right now... If I wanted to be treated like shit id get married or something heinous like that.

So there is my vent...I feel better already.
I think we are taking a few loads up tonight of small crap...Satan is staying at Tracey's until we move...I really have to pee now...
(sorry for scaring u aunty pam)
xo

bloody hell

our fish just died... that thing lived for...like...2 yrs...which I thought was rather odd...for a beta.

i feel a litte bad cuz i was thinking about what a pain in the ass it was to move (oops)...

good bye mr fish...

ayla went to school today PISSED OFF at me, she really thinks I set her up...said she had EVERY intention of going to school at lunch until i told her i was calling the school. hahahahaha
i am sure she will come home thinking im the devil as usual...
its gunna be a long weekend...and not in a good way

Happy Birthday Wee Fin...xoxooxx

crustiness

ok well the night at sam roberts started out with a BANG...literally...and this is just MORE evidence to the fact that i am too old to go to dark night clubs even for a good cause like sam roberts...
i was not in the door 4 mins and i managed to do this incredibly dramatic fat girl wipe out...and not just a regualr old wipe out...it was a SLOW MOTION wipe out...esp made 4 the viewing pleasure of the ppl i was with and the crowd near the bar.
Yes...public wipe outs are my specialty....some of u will recall the CHAIR INCIDENT in the mall...and the hiking book mishap as i motored down Alberni Street, that one was so bad ppl pulled over in their cars to see if we were ok (I took Ayla down with me, bad mommy)....
anyway...
so clearly after that I was in PRETEND MODE...figuring since I didnt look at anyone no one was looking at me hahahaha Queen of Denial!!!!
the show was FABULOUS...like him or not Sam Roberts really kicks ass live and puts on a killer show...it even made up 4 the cocksucking frat boy pieces of shit to my right who I SWEAR i would have stabbed in the spine with an ice pick if i had one on me.
Like...heres another reason im old and crusty...I used to be able to mosh and withstand the chaos of concerts, now it just pisses me off...esp these fucking 6 ft 3 jocks who thinks its perfectly ok to flail about and smell really bad to boot...I shoved one guy pretty hard and told him to fuck off and he turned around and assumed it was the guy behind me (AHHAHAHAHAHAHA) this set Donna and I off...we were pissing ourselves hahaha
some chick dumped beer all over me so i gave her the good ol Jen Head Push
Its what i do as I hold back from punching someone in the head, i put my finger on their head and push it....i liken it to receiving a poke in the chest.
Buncha twats...so yeah b/c i dont really drink anymore (I dont like getting drunk at concerts b/c I prefer to actually witness it than be drunk and miss it) and am a piss poor partier in those situations these things just annoy the shit out of me.
See, told ya I was old n crusty.

My kid is grounded off the computer until we move...so if anyone wonders where she is you will have to call her. She has been INSANE the last 2 days and even went so far as to not go to school...yes thats right...downright refused...and really aside from beating her to death...what can ya do? I gave her a few chances to get it tog and go...then i called the school and reported that she skipped and to please treat her accordingly tomorrow.
i dunno how I got such a stubborn little ass of a kid...oh wait, thats right...i raised her to be a strong free thinking woman. My mistake. ha!

Well, i was due for a big fall so that is it for the year I hope. I didnt rip my jeans OR bleed so it really could have been worse.
Im closing tonight...farewell!

Irritation Level Cranked to 10

ever have those days where not only do u just want to swear at everyone 4 being stupid and punch them but you also want to light em on fire?
gawd...
im disturbed, you dont have to tell me.
until i start acting on it, dont lecture me.

took a few more loads of crap up to the new place today...gawd damn the place is cleaner then itll ever be once we move in hahahaha seriously ive never moved into such a CLEAN place, i usually have to clean for hours b4 moving in somewhere...will be nice to not have to!
i was standing on my balcony and actually got dizzy looking down HAHAHAHA what a tit!

tomorrow is sam roberts...gawd...ive forgotten and remembered 8x today i swear.
i gotta come hom and nap right after work or i wont make it since i gotta get up at 530 am...
fuck am i ever old and crusty.

im really cranky lately...im shocked i have any friends at all.

groggy

I havent been up this early in a while.

Michelle is sending me nag champa SOAP! i didnt even know they made SOAP...this give me a giant soapy boner!

Holy shit Sam Roberts is the day after tomorrow...woot! woot!
you know youre old when you dread the thought of being in a crowded area with hundreds of ppl despite the fact youll be doing something you love....I am getting old and crusty...this disturbs me...
not that I was ever a crowd lover b4 or sociable...I wasnt...but now...ugh.

What I did for kicks yesterday: I was sent a video of 2 ppl bumping uglies and at the very end the cute hot chick turned out to have a certain appendage *SURPRISE*....so i sent it to every guy I know. hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I love the responses:

uhhh... didn't see that one coming. i'm still trying to process... oh wait .NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahaha I love the pun in that one...im not sure he even meant it lol

You can keep this one

hahahaha the subject was called "a present for you" muhahahahhahaha

ok....maybe im not old and crusty after all, I still act 12.

...and this is why I will never get married and be a spinster 4ever...

this is what I get...old guys with horrible weirdness...if nothing else it is great 4 a laugh esp b/c I know its something the creep likely copy and pastes to everyone hahahha
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am learning to play the sax, a baritone.
And I would like your help with my practice sessions.
Did you watch the Howard Stern movie where he got a woman off by having her place a speaker between her legs?
Do you see where I am leading?
I would like to place part of the sax bell gently between your legs to practice my scales and see if we could hit the right notes together.
Can you imagine the vibrations from my horn vibrating through my bell at a low b flat to ring your c sharp!
What do you think? I would want to practice for at least an hour every night with your help.
Mainly I am lonely and would love company over a candle lit dinner gazing into your eyes seeing if I could bring out the blush in your cheeks, making you feel warm with the thought of our conversation. I would start by listening, touching your hand, gently stroking your arm. If I had the opportunity I would stroke your hair brushing your ear.
I might even find an excuse to run my hand up your spine starting from the small of your back, to test the chemistry. If you reciprocated my interest by brushing against me, I would want you to feel comfortable. I might hazard a kiss by giving you a brushing, lingering, sweet caress of the lips, to suggest desert, after an intimate meal, to start the evening off, might be one way.
At that moment the waiter approaches the table and asks have you decided yet? To which you reply I think I need another minute to make my choice.
Meanwhile the room comes back into focus and you loose all but the shimmering surface of that last thought which starts to radiate outward like ripples on the surface of a pond.
I realize this kind of foreplay might be difficult if discretion is a must.
If you are still interested I can host.
Seeking your forbidden fruit, perhaps eating our dinner in a private space we pause, as we consume our meal the shellfish we have eaten has ingested an extraterrestrial nutrient that has the effect of dissolving our clothing piece by piece.
My eyes transfixed by your glistening skin cause me rise from the table walking around behind you I lift you on to the table scattering the food and dishes.
I take the Muscat de Asti and pour it across your chest and watch your nipples swell I take in a mouthful and go down on you opening your lips with my tongue flicking your clit hood till you pull me back by my hair and ears and demand entry.

All the best- Russell
Did I mention my hands /fingers are good for more than caressing a key board?

Gloomy Rainy Drizzle Bliss

Ooo I love sleeping by my open window....
If there were no bugs and creeps in the world Id like sleeping outdoors.

I remember when I was a kid and spending the summer in Coquitlam with my moms foster parents we were not ALLOWED to sleep on the deck at night b/c good ol Clifford Olson was on the loose. I was quite irritated, having no concept of such crimes at the time...but after reading all about him now im glad I wasnt allowed to sleep outside.

Fuck I need boxes....I hate trying to scam boxes...stores act like youre homeless and begging for change.
Im listening to Mother Love Bone....i think i will have a nap.
Yeah