Ohhh it is FUCK YOU FRIDAY here in my head...as well as REMEMBER REMEMBER the 5th of NOVEMBER...oooh yes what a day it is indeed. After work I have some errands to run so by the time Iget home I will be ready to sit on my couch and put on V for VENDETTA and get lost in that movie for a few hours.
I am right off my fucking rocker today....”some” say I am premenopausal and should practice better parenting while I say how about you go fuck yourself. That’s right Ayla you teenage self absorbed monster – go fuck yourself. A human being can only take so much before you just get too tired to try anymore. Being accommodating and nice and trying to be “chill” about shit that bugs the shit out of me can only last so long when you are consistently shit on, lied to and taken advantage of so yeah... premenopausal, premenstrual, cranky, tired, weary or whatever other word you wanna use to try and shift blame away from yourself – call it what you will – I call it fed up and done tip toeing. Let’s see how it feels for her to get treated how she treats me. She won’t fucking like it anymore than I do.
With that said and done...tomorrow night we are having the Raging Lesbos over for snacks and Wii...then Sunday I am doing lunch with Lisa & Jackie...and a movie too I think. I will be done my Rick Springfield Memoir by tomorrow sadly...kinda wanted it to go on and on but...I lose. I quite enjoyed it...mentally referring to his life circumstances to mine......being that he’s over 20 yrs older it’s so funny to know in his 30s while I was 11 and wanted to marry him he was going through a pile of stuff...
The job I was hopeful for looks to be dead in the water – they have reposted 2 of the positions and seeing that 3 were available when I applied they clearly only hired 1 person and I haven’t heard shit so....do the math. I pretty much did a mental internal snap upon realizing that and just became instantly done. Told my current boss to go ahead and make this job thing go permanent if she can despite my misgivings...there are some cool perks: great office vibe and 3 good ladies to work with, flexibility and freedom for scheduling etc...but FUCK I hate the location and the distance it is (too far to walk for this fatty) and the bldg is a pile of shit.....TOO HOT ALL THE DAMN TIME. U might think those things are no big deal but 4 me they are huge. It is demoralizing x 3894758347583745 to walk into a scorching hot bldg every morning and sit in HEAT all winter as fans roar and the windows are cranked open...its fucking ridiculous. Plus this job is a fine job but it isn’t taking me anywhere and I have already maxed out the challenge aspect of it at the 6 mth mark sadly.
Fuck is the word of my day apparently...
Friday, November 05, 2010
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Thor the Unmighty!
So I am in Shoppers the other day – and I have my headphones on in the line up and see the cashier’s name tag says THOR...I am thinking that is a pretty powerful tough as name to give a baby....pretty funny really...then it’s my turn to pay and I take my earphones out and giggle inside b/c THOR has the most girly gay voice on earth and I would venture 2 say even though my gaydar is the shits – he is gay. THOR the GAY LOVER! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa I love the irony...
Halloween is over...I let Graeme paint me up like a Borg/zombie/weirdo to appease him...its his favourite holiday I think and we had no plans to do shit all so it seemed right to let him get all jazzed about turning me into some ugly freak...NOTE TO SELF: at 40 when you have big pores getting dark eye shadow applied to your whole face is a bad idea LOL
Last night we did the evil deed and hit the big box stores that I always avoid going to...Walfart and Best Buy and Future Shop. As usual I hated FS...they just suck. Quite loved Best Buy though – 1st time in one...got good service and the product I wanted was there so...all was well and good. I was getting a jump on xmas shopping 4 the kidlet as I am pretty sure waiting to Dec to do this crap is a bad idea when u are looking 4 something SPECIFIC. Walfart was a shit show as always – fuck I hate that whole new UPTOWN complex...its idiotic and stupidly laid out I swear. Shouldn’t have to go back forever now thank Christ.
The kid and I are getting on again after some talking and such...I think things are on track...it is a bit of a mess at school though but nothing that can’t be worked through...really not in love with this new high school...u would think some sort of parental notification would be set up if a kid misses a certain amt of school...Yeah not really. I let them know that was utterly ridiculous and they informed me their call back system was down...UHHH YEAH I CAN SEE THAT JACKASSES. That is a pretty important thing to let be down for 2 fucking mths.
Funny email today...my 3rd failed attempt to get an EAW position got me booted out of the EAW hiring pool ...hahahah I seriously could not help but laugh at that...I thought the 3rd try would be my last one and sure enough...BOOT! hahahaha Guess that was not in the cards. Let me tell you though if that pool opens up again I am so applying just to see if they let me back in haha
Donna is off! She should be landing in Fiji in the next hour...then 3 hrs later in Brisbane Australia...she will arrive there and it will be 9 am or something so it’ll make for a long 1st day that’s for sure. She isn’t home for 28 days... Rude. I am sure her and her aunt will have lotsa fun and she will have lotsa crazy stories for me.
I am off to see Aunty Cathy (and Kim and Connie and Adele etc) Nov 10...flying to Edmonton and then coming home the 15th. Woohoo! Haven’t flown for quite some time...but there is a whirlwind of plans made and it will be fun – Chill out the 11th, drive to the Dead Gopher Museum the 12th, go visit friends in Red Deer the 12th...then the 13th and 14th Kim and Rob will hopefully be able to come up to Cathy’s for an overnight visit...and Adele is gunna weasel in a visit somewhere too...WOOHOO – then I fly home on the 15th. I go to see the gallbladder surgeon guy on the 16th 1st thing in the morning so that should be interesting...seeing as it took me 2389758345 yrs to just get a referral I am sure the waiting list to get the GB of Death out should be fantastically long. Always an optimist.
Halloween is over...I let Graeme paint me up like a Borg/zombie/weirdo to appease him...its his favourite holiday I think and we had no plans to do shit all so it seemed right to let him get all jazzed about turning me into some ugly freak...NOTE TO SELF: at 40 when you have big pores getting dark eye shadow applied to your whole face is a bad idea LOL
Last night we did the evil deed and hit the big box stores that I always avoid going to...Walfart and Best Buy and Future Shop. As usual I hated FS...they just suck. Quite loved Best Buy though – 1st time in one...got good service and the product I wanted was there so...all was well and good. I was getting a jump on xmas shopping 4 the kidlet as I am pretty sure waiting to Dec to do this crap is a bad idea when u are looking 4 something SPECIFIC. Walfart was a shit show as always – fuck I hate that whole new UPTOWN complex...its idiotic and stupidly laid out I swear. Shouldn’t have to go back forever now thank Christ.
The kid and I are getting on again after some talking and such...I think things are on track...it is a bit of a mess at school though but nothing that can’t be worked through...really not in love with this new high school...u would think some sort of parental notification would be set up if a kid misses a certain amt of school...Yeah not really. I let them know that was utterly ridiculous and they informed me their call back system was down...UHHH YEAH I CAN SEE THAT JACKASSES. That is a pretty important thing to let be down for 2 fucking mths.
Funny email today...my 3rd failed attempt to get an EAW position got me booted out of the EAW hiring pool ...hahahah I seriously could not help but laugh at that...I thought the 3rd try would be my last one and sure enough...BOOT! hahahaha Guess that was not in the cards. Let me tell you though if that pool opens up again I am so applying just to see if they let me back in haha
Donna is off! She should be landing in Fiji in the next hour...then 3 hrs later in Brisbane Australia...she will arrive there and it will be 9 am or something so it’ll make for a long 1st day that’s for sure. She isn’t home for 28 days... Rude. I am sure her and her aunt will have lotsa fun and she will have lotsa crazy stories for me.
I am off to see Aunty Cathy (and Kim and Connie and Adele etc) Nov 10...flying to Edmonton and then coming home the 15th. Woohoo! Haven’t flown for quite some time...but there is a whirlwind of plans made and it will be fun – Chill out the 11th, drive to the Dead Gopher Museum the 12th, go visit friends in Red Deer the 12th...then the 13th and 14th Kim and Rob will hopefully be able to come up to Cathy’s for an overnight visit...and Adele is gunna weasel in a visit somewhere too...WOOHOO – then I fly home on the 15th. I go to see the gallbladder surgeon guy on the 16th 1st thing in the morning so that should be interesting...seeing as it took me 2389758345 yrs to just get a referral I am sure the waiting list to get the GB of Death out should be fantastically long. Always an optimist.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
walking dead
I think I am gunna enjoy the new AMC series THE WALKING DEAD...it freaks me out and its about zombies but...its engaging and interesting...watched episode 1 tonight....spooooky grossness!
I am in a mood...yes I know...another mood...you know those pensive WTF AM I DOING moods...where it becomes so clear that nothing you thought would make u happy and fill the void actually does...I blame Hollywood. Fuckers. It's all on you...it's all on you to reach in and find wtf it is you need and then go get it...but in the mean time u have to survive...you have obligations... attachments... guilt... duties... responsibilities...on top of this elusive void filling...I have always been of the mindset that some ppl are just broken...that doesn't mean they are street junkies or serial killers...I mean some people are just beyond fixing...they either aren't at a place (and aren't going to be) emotionally/mentally where they are going to mend. Sounds all fatalistic but...I still believe it and its not fatalistic at all - I think its just real life...we all have our shit...some of us hide it better than others...some of us actually work through our shit in a timely fashion...
I have spent the majority of my life in complete and utter loneliness (there - I said it...my counselor from 2002 would be so proud!)...I got used to it early on...so early in fact you end up forgetting you are lonely...its just a part of you...I don't even think it was my upbringing at all - I think it was just me. All this of course over your life manifests in certain ways...some of us become sluts... frigid teases... addicts... whores...we get fat...we get skinny...we drink too much...we shop too much... obsess too much - on and on...
Me...my self loathing got me fat and cynical...but at least I have a great sense of humor right? (see what I just did there? optimism! haha) Id rather be fat and cynical than skinny and addicted to huffing gas. Just saying.
What I am trying to say is ITS NOT THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD. That shouldn't be the shit that drags u down - the shit that defines who you are...its the fucking details that are fatal...
It's getting that one thing in life you are determined to not wreck...the only thing that brings even an iota of confidence in yourself as a human being...something you love beyond yourself....and then that thing rejects you like you are dog shit on a running shoe...the disgust and rage directed at you breaks you like nothing before it...soul crushing devastation...you can't win...your only choices are worse and worst...you do the right thing you get crucified like Jesus....you do the other thing and you are a fucktard 4 it....
On a lighter note...(haha ok not really) I received a copy of my brothers 10 yr obituary/memorial in the mail today...this is likely contributing to my mood.
There are happy ppl out there...what do you do to be happy?....to keep it from slipping away entirely? For the most part I am a-ok...if I didn't go on these tangents of self loathing and personal reflection I would probably appear well adjusted to most...mainly b/c ppl don't invest the time required to really get to know ppl...not at my age anyway...fuck I remember forging such intense friendships as a teenager - I needed to, we moved all the time and my need to connect with ppl was strong...I miss making a fast friend that didn't peter out by week 4...that's how adult friendships are...ppl are busy... distracted... no time to spend dissecting the brain of a fellow adult...guess that's why those few friendships from days gone by are even more important as an adult...we know that they are irreplaceable...adults rarely connect on such levels. I have always had a lot of friends...for that I am very lucky...I am attracted to great people who get weary of trying 2 deflect my friendly advances soon after I begin until I break them like the little wild ponies they are. ha ha Ahhh my friends...
The top of my right hand - I have this little thing...it feels like a round BB but its a piece of gristle or something organic...anyway...I can move it around all over the top my my hand...it grosses Graeme out...he cant watch me push it around - its creepy as shit...so the other day im rolling it all over the place under my skin and I decide to see how far up twds my wrist it can go....oops. It's lost now in my wrist bones :o( FUGGG!!! I check every day to see if it magically worked its way back but...nope.
Guess I will go read b4 the coma kicks in...Rick Springfield calls me name from his new memoir that I am currently devouring...ya ya ya...shut up.
I am in a mood...yes I know...another mood...you know those pensive WTF AM I DOING moods...where it becomes so clear that nothing you thought would make u happy and fill the void actually does...I blame Hollywood. Fuckers. It's all on you...it's all on you to reach in and find wtf it is you need and then go get it...but in the mean time u have to survive...you have obligations... attachments... guilt... duties... responsibilities...on top of this elusive void filling...I have always been of the mindset that some ppl are just broken...that doesn't mean they are street junkies or serial killers...I mean some people are just beyond fixing...they either aren't at a place (and aren't going to be) emotionally/mentally where they are going to mend. Sounds all fatalistic but...I still believe it and its not fatalistic at all - I think its just real life...we all have our shit...some of us hide it better than others...some of us actually work through our shit in a timely fashion...
I have spent the majority of my life in complete and utter loneliness (there - I said it...my counselor from 2002 would be so proud!)...I got used to it early on...so early in fact you end up forgetting you are lonely...its just a part of you...I don't even think it was my upbringing at all - I think it was just me. All this of course over your life manifests in certain ways...some of us become sluts... frigid teases... addicts... whores...we get fat...we get skinny...we drink too much...we shop too much... obsess too much - on and on...
Me...my self loathing got me fat and cynical...but at least I have a great sense of humor right? (see what I just did there? optimism! haha) Id rather be fat and cynical than skinny and addicted to huffing gas. Just saying.
What I am trying to say is ITS NOT THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD. That shouldn't be the shit that drags u down - the shit that defines who you are...its the fucking details that are fatal...
It's getting that one thing in life you are determined to not wreck...the only thing that brings even an iota of confidence in yourself as a human being...something you love beyond yourself....and then that thing rejects you like you are dog shit on a running shoe...the disgust and rage directed at you breaks you like nothing before it...soul crushing devastation...you can't win...your only choices are worse and worst...you do the right thing you get crucified like Jesus....you do the other thing and you are a fucktard 4 it....
On a lighter note...(haha ok not really) I received a copy of my brothers 10 yr obituary/memorial in the mail today...this is likely contributing to my mood.
There are happy ppl out there...what do you do to be happy?....to keep it from slipping away entirely? For the most part I am a-ok...if I didn't go on these tangents of self loathing and personal reflection I would probably appear well adjusted to most...mainly b/c ppl don't invest the time required to really get to know ppl...not at my age anyway...fuck I remember forging such intense friendships as a teenager - I needed to, we moved all the time and my need to connect with ppl was strong...I miss making a fast friend that didn't peter out by week 4...that's how adult friendships are...ppl are busy... distracted... no time to spend dissecting the brain of a fellow adult...guess that's why those few friendships from days gone by are even more important as an adult...we know that they are irreplaceable...adults rarely connect on such levels. I have always had a lot of friends...for that I am very lucky...I am attracted to great people who get weary of trying 2 deflect my friendly advances soon after I begin until I break them like the little wild ponies they are. ha ha Ahhh my friends...
The top of my right hand - I have this little thing...it feels like a round BB but its a piece of gristle or something organic...anyway...I can move it around all over the top my my hand...it grosses Graeme out...he cant watch me push it around - its creepy as shit...so the other day im rolling it all over the place under my skin and I decide to see how far up twds my wrist it can go....oops. It's lost now in my wrist bones :o( FUGGG!!! I check every day to see if it magically worked its way back but...nope.
Guess I will go read b4 the coma kicks in...Rick Springfield calls me name from his new memoir that I am currently devouring...ya ya ya...shut up.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
it's an affair of the heart...
it's true
tonight i am jamming at my desk to my beloved rick springfield - i just ordered an old record of his that i have as an LP but cant listen to currently...so i found the cd cuz i guess it was rereleased this year due to his book coming out...anyhow i recall pouring over this record as a kid...omfg i loved it...so i slap it on my MP3 player and oddly enough i still skip past 2 of the songs i didnt like as a kid lol
my child is lost to me this week...no communication...no civility...no cell phone text insults...so much left unsaid...unheard...misunderstood...it makes me sad that she shuts me out of her little world with such efficiency...i guess b/c i know how quick someone can suddenly be out of your life...makes all this crap feel like a big fat unnecessary waste of time...oh she just came home from work and i felt a chill pass over me...i think my mouse has frost on it.
Oct 24th was the 10 year anniversary of the passing of my little brother...a decade later it is still all quite surreal...thankfully this year the date narrowly missed my pms kicking in so i was ok...lol
considering i spend a portion of most days missing him or thinking about him and his funny ass self - its just THE DAY...the shittiest day ever to date.
got a wedding to go to saturday...fml...if i could ditch without guilt i would...i dunno why i get so friggin uptight about this shit...
so i ditched some more ppl off FB this week..when im pms'ing i delete alotta ppl i wouldnt usually...but whatever...ppl i do tend to delete in these moods are ppl who get higher scores than me on bejewelled...HAAAAAA not even kidding...it makes it so i rank higher HAAAAA gawd im a dinkus.
2nd week with no hells kitchen. i am starved for profanity. not counting all the fuck yous from ayla of course...they are really code for "i love you mommy"...hahaha
tonight i am jamming at my desk to my beloved rick springfield - i just ordered an old record of his that i have as an LP but cant listen to currently...so i found the cd cuz i guess it was rereleased this year due to his book coming out...anyhow i recall pouring over this record as a kid...omfg i loved it...so i slap it on my MP3 player and oddly enough i still skip past 2 of the songs i didnt like as a kid lol
my child is lost to me this week...no communication...no civility...no cell phone text insults...so much left unsaid...unheard...misunderstood...it makes me sad that she shuts me out of her little world with such efficiency...i guess b/c i know how quick someone can suddenly be out of your life...makes all this crap feel like a big fat unnecessary waste of time...oh she just came home from work and i felt a chill pass over me...i think my mouse has frost on it.
Oct 24th was the 10 year anniversary of the passing of my little brother...a decade later it is still all quite surreal...thankfully this year the date narrowly missed my pms kicking in so i was ok...lol
considering i spend a portion of most days missing him or thinking about him and his funny ass self - its just THE DAY...the shittiest day ever to date.
got a wedding to go to saturday...fml...if i could ditch without guilt i would...i dunno why i get so friggin uptight about this shit...
so i ditched some more ppl off FB this week..when im pms'ing i delete alotta ppl i wouldnt usually...but whatever...ppl i do tend to delete in these moods are ppl who get higher scores than me on bejewelled...HAAAAAA not even kidding...it makes it so i rank higher HAAAAA gawd im a dinkus.
2nd week with no hells kitchen. i am starved for profanity. not counting all the fuck yous from ayla of course...they are really code for "i love you mommy"...hahaha
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
QUEEN TIGRESS!
Watched a National Geographic show today on tigers in India...a whole soap opera kinda show on a family - mother and 3 daughter tigers...and how the daughter tiger (the most dominant one) chases her sisters out of their mothers territory b4 taking on mom....to rule the roost...so sad to see the mom (who by this point is old and beaten down by time at the age of 13) get the boot from her once loving daughter -- u see where this is going don't u? -- mom gets chased out only to basically starve over the coming months b/c she has no front teeth thanks to a friggin crocodile and shes just too old to hunt really....cocky daughter enjoys ruling her kingdom for about 9 mths until a male approaches and promptly kicks her ass out of the lush/pristine kingdom of easy hunting and lovely lake...9 mths...while her kick ass mom managed to ward off male invaders and other female take over attempts for 10 yrs. Fuck. What a thankless job parenting is.I am still the most hated mom on earth here at the Conklin abode...the mexican spring break plan that I vetoed has earned me persona non grata in a big way here...her hate oozes by the bucket loads from underneath her bedroom door when she is home...there's no reasoning with her...so I have just stopped trying...for now I guess.
Just gorged on leftover baked pasta from last night when Tracey and Adrienne were over...MmmMmmMmm...tonight we are watching POINT OF NO RETURN as I drift into a carb coma in bed... [insert zombie noises here] I do wanna say though that Graeme is a piss poor glutton...the guy can hardly clear his 1st non-piled plate...WTF is that about?
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
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