All I wanna do is doodle...

I would love to get paid to doodle. Envelopes...all day...so I could afford the best fine tip sharpie markers...in order to doodle more.

It is a Friday night at Jenny's house...I am in a weird mood...I called Miss A and spoke to Lauren...Miss A is out and Lauren stayed in b/c she burned the tops of her feet and she can't walk. Ouch. Miss A got fried too apparently...one day closer to skin cancer...:\
Lauren was giving me the low down about the resort...the mediocre food...lame eateries...clearly the place is only about the free booze and parties...and party they have.

Big sad hugs to Michelle B. Her father died this week...a very complicated situation which I am sure will only get more complicated...the impending doom of this loss was bad enough for her I am sure...the reality is sure to be worse for a while. xo

Dead tired.......................................................::THUMP::

Thank u Mexican Jesus

Where A. is...only covered with obnoxious party-goers

I called A. tonight...she has messaged me the last few days on FB...she cannot manage to figure out how to use the phones there...the phone system being as sketchy as it is I am not shocked but it was not something I predicted obviously...or I would have sat her down and schooled her on it.

Sun & Mon not hearing a word from her was bad incredibly.mind.fucking. I know I am extremely neurotic and I recognize that I am overly spastic about her safety...I worry in an extreme way that makes me ill. I will not bore you with the inner workings of my obsessive mind...it is a dark, twisted path no one should take. So during these 2 days naturally I am beside myself...and am thinking that she is LIKELY fine...but the fact she blatantly hasn't called even though we agreed to a certain calling pattern to keep me calm/not ruin her life in Mexico - it made me so incredibly sad b/c I knew it would change things between us and not for the good. To me it was the ultimate slaying betrayal and breach of trust...I was gutted by the what ifs and more gutted by the sad prospect that she really did not care beyond her own little sphere.

On Tuesday I was back to work and sick over not hearing a damn word...I knew they landed fine through another kids mom but that's all I knew...I am at work and considering going home b/c being around ppl was proving to be too much for this unstable ninny...then at 11 am my cell phone does this weird half ring thing...then stops...I look...ITS A MEXICAN NUMBER. For a split second I thought "Yay she is trying to call home!" but then I soon shifted into retard mode and was imagining her kidnapped...or dead and someone was trying to let me know....I could feel to vomit moving up up up...I was on the verge of a stroke/puking for the next few hours... then I got a FB msg via Lisa's acct THANK GAWD that she was fine and they just couldn't figure out how to call b/c the hotel was out of calling cards and all the shit there was weird and complicated...I was so happy. I don't get HAPPY often but man I was HAPPY. I was horrified about the prospect of never seeing her again and was thinking how extra sad it would be that I wouldn't ever get to know her...the person she is and the person she will grow into being...massive fucking cheat...then I would think about Tere and how Taylor's death has affected her...she won't get to see him fall in love, have children...grow into a man...the loss is incapacitating...(You can see how my brain works a little now huh? Bad shit happens...and I am not immune thus not able to pretend I am not eligible for the horrors life has to offer up on a regular basis)...

Anyway....back on track here...I called her tonight at her hotel...had a chat with her b/c they tried calling and it was not happening...her voice was hoarse from all the drunken clubbing and screaming the night before...she was happy...so happy...said it was the most fun ever...told me about what she had been doing, how tanned she is (haha jerk), the sailboat day trip tomorrow, etc. She was doing great. She said the hotel was crappy though...their toilet didn't work yesterday so they were peeing in the bath tub and screaminggggggg "I AM PEEING IN THE BATH TUB!!!!!!" hahahaha I had read a few things about ppl saying the hotel was not that  shit hot but A. didn't seem to mind b/c the rest was fantastic.

Needless to say the rest of the week is going MUCH better than the beginning.

Never...

...ever watch "The Lovely Bones" movie the day your kid leaves on her trip to Cancun.

She did manage to get to the airport and such and board...I have yet to hear from her though...from the resort...mind you I predicted she would be a complete inconsiderate a-hole despite promising me she would call me once a day. She may think she gets a week of freedom from my clutches of maternal death but she will pay for years and years to come for this betrayal...ohhh this mother is not going to forget.

The weather is nice there...the plane did not crash so...I am sure all is well and good.

Season finale of The Walking Dead was intense....fugggggg! I won't say more in case someone is waiting to watch it til later.

I am so dry...it's like my skin has been stripped of all moisture...wtf is that about...? I am an OCD lotion addict at the moment...which is counter productive 4 the most part...but the only thing I can manage...I think tonight I will smother myself in greasy weird Nivea cream and go to bed...maybe I will sleep in A's bed all greased up with Nivea as 1 small form of revenge.

Tomorrow I am hanging with Kate and starting a project that will ultimately be for A's room...it will keep me busy...all week.
AT LEAST I FINALLY HAVE MY MP3 PLAYER BACK....sweet jesus I was about to go mad. Now I can be alone in public again.

I have a urgent stress headache right now...sometimes I wish I still drank.

How special...

I want to kill everyone.

Awesome.

Nutella...for the love of gawd!

When did I blather on last...? I don’t even know...3-4 days til Cancun...Sprog has made it very clear that my need for preparedness is ‘anal’ and I should relax b/c her and her friends are not idiots and will deal with whether or not they have enough change for the bus in Vancouver, etc. I guess not being easily flustered allows for some of these incidental things to go willy nilly whatever-like. Truthfully, the reason I am overly prepared about things and think 45 steps ahead is b/c I don’t care to deal with surprises and annoying shit like being at the bus and realizing I have no gawd damn change...thinking back 20 some years I did not have the same level of attention to detail...and it would not occur to me to get a map of an airport prior to flying somewhere so I knew exactly where my ticket booth was. I need to keep reminding myself that her brain and my brain do not work the same...as we have different temperaments and priorities. Ayla’s priority currently above all else is to sell as much crap as she can so she has enough to buy a certain bikini she must wear in Cancun or she will surely perish...whereas my priority is for her to come home safely after a fab time and not be killed and become yet another CBC news article about the dangers of Mexico travel. We are on totally different planets...as usual.

Oh wait her other major priority in life is Nutella...she called me at 11:14pm last night to inform me it was IMPERITIVE I get her some Nutella b/c we are out and she might die without it this week. I did find this very amusing...only b/c I was in bed and reading and not asleep when she made the emergency call. Ha!

The family is in Vegas right now...Aunty Pam, Uncle Jim and cousin Mags/Kel and all their spouses and kids...Nascar in Vegas extravaganza! Kelly posted a few pics on FB and Jim looked in his glory all helmeted up and appearing to be going for a race car ride. Looking fwd to the stories and more pictures for sure. I am not much of a gambler but I would like to go to Vegas and go see the Pawn Stars pawn shop hahahahaha and other things as well...doesn’t look like there is a shortage of stuff to do there.

I wish Rick Mercer was the PM of Canada...actually I almost wish ANYONE ELSE was the PM of Canada right now. That is all I have to say on that...

I am still waiting for my Criminal Record Check to come back so I can start volunteering at the Transition House. Tracey found out when she had her recent one done that there is someone with her exact name, eye color, birthday and hair color out there who has a criminal record...! EEK! Hers came back with SOMETHING on it and she was surprised seeing as it should have been clear so she had to go sort it out and almost had to start showing tattoos and body parts to have it verified...so if you are ever arrested and have no ID on you the thing to do is use the name and info of someone you hate so this will happen to them haha

Ughhh

I have been lucky...I haven't had neighbors below me in a year and when I did she was a little old lady, never heard her once and the room below me was her spare room. I haven't had ppl above me in about 5-6 mths...before that I didn't really hear them except for the walking around b/c this is an old wood bldg...I have ppl below me now...I know them and they are nice folk, not a-holes or anything...I can hear them talking...you know that low murmur talking (male voices...can't really head female voices)...it is extremely annoying...as is hearing someones TV...just that constant murmur. Fuck I hate it. I sure hope today they have company b/c if they talk to themselves at this volume level all the time it is going to suck for me. haha The suite above me is being reno'd for my landlady (her son & daughter in law live below me) - she is quite quiet and is usually alone and won't talk much I suspect. I have no issue with regular apt. noise...it is to be expected...and I am sure I will get used to it again...but man - as I get older - this sort of thing SURE irritates me. Yay for getting old and cranky...woohoo. Just wait though....they are expecting a baby and the baby's bedroom is below mine....oooooooo that should be awesome...

I am watching The Walking Dead solo this week...the lesbos are ill. Then I think I will read and go to bed...oh wait I have to change the littler box...I am awesome! My house is clean and I don't want to do anything to mess it up ffs...

Crap I wish I would hurry up and get my new working MP3 player in the mail b/c I am friggin DIEING here...if it comes and has the same issues I am gunna shit the bed...I will just buy a friggin new one b/c I am not waiting around for another replacement...At 1st I was ok with just riding the bus without but the more I do the more I realize I am not interested in inane bus conversations by stupid kids or schizophrenics having auditory hallucinations. No thanks...Gimme my tunes please.

I wonder if they can hear my TV and/or downstairs...? Lucky for them I don't talk to myself or I am sure that would be irritating for them. ha! I bet these zombie noises and screaming is fun to hear through a floor. Oh apartment living...next bldg - CONCRETE!!! Or (waterproof/ heated/ electricity/ plumbing/ by a bus stop) a teepee.

Musing on a Saturday

It is freezing in here...the wind is blowing through the patio door...

Spoke with Tere last night...its been a while...our daily talks have slowed due to her uncle dieing and her having to arrange his funeral and take care of his affairs on Pender Island. She is also 'officially' with Kevin now who has moved into the city so she has someone to occupy her mind and time more which is a good thing. She told me last night that the coroner report finally came in - 5 mths after Taylor's death - saying that his alcohol level was over the legal limit and the antidepressants he started taking were within the therapeutic range. What does this mean? Well...your guess is as good as any one's really...it doesn't solidify anything except it is likely that Taylor was up drinking all night which leads Tere to imagine he was sad and crying and this absolutely guts her beyond words...she has no idea how he got booze since he had been at her place that same evening looking to bum 10 bucks for smokes....which he never came back for. Personally -  I think booze and antidepressants are a deathly cocktail for a lot of people...add gun ownership into the mix and it is a recipe for disaster. I can honestly say throughout my life at some of the very very bad times if a gun was readily available to me I have no idea if I would still be here...it makes it easy to make an irrational, lethal decision. My brother had nothing in his system...he was not altered at all in his decision (aside from the obvious depression)...I am not sure whats worse...losing someone this way hen they were out of their mind and altered....or knowing they were methodical and deliberate in their actions. Either way...it all fucking sucks the grossest of ass and comfort/resolution is rarely provided by these reports.

Last night I watched a movie called FISH TANK...it was odd but I couldn't stop watching it...I wanted to b/c I have had my fill of bitchy teenagers and this movie had a bitchy BRITISH teenager...though I will say her mother was horrifying in the maternal dept so she came by it legitimately.

Today I think I need to rearrange my bedroom....it's not working for me...and the bike to nowhere may be coming out in the living room...and can be used as an additional seat when company comes over. HA! This will take up my whole day...and warm me up.

Zippity Doo Dah!

I am happy to report Aunty Cathy for high-speed internet for the 1st time in her life...Fuck you to dial-up forever MUAHAHAHHAHA!! I am pretty happy for her as I know dial-up was the bane of her existence. Having used it recently it is a bloody miracle she was online AT ALL...it is maddening.

FINALLY got the info for A's trip to Cancun...bloody hell they were not very nice about keeping in mind all these kids have to travel from a gawd damn island by ferry or place to get to the Vancouver Airport...Grrrrr. It will entail 2 hotel stays...one the night before they leave (their flight is @ 10:15 am) and one the night they return (they come in at just before midnight ffs...)...I have made a few calls...2 are in a perfect location with free shuttle service and the kids can walk from the bus loop. Pretty ideal all things considered.
I cannot wait for Cancun & Grad to be done...I will feel like I won the damn lottery after that.

So damn cold right now for us wussy west coasters...had to turn the heat up tonight....Brrrrr - I have been enjoying the stormy wind though this week...though it is nothing like the US Midwest has been seeing obviously...that is NOT fun wind.

Not gunna lie...I am sitting back here watching all this corrupt federal election info come out and it is horrifying but somehow satisfying to know that the Conservatives have now been outted as the slippery, low life party that they are. I really really hope some serious shit goes down b/c this truly sounds like corruption that goes on in OTHER places - not Canada.

Been mulling over some stuff lately...whilst mulling over some stuff I had a most interesting conversation with the delightful and always reliable Tracey and during out mulling together she said something that was really useful and made me introspective...I fucking LOVE it when another persons casual observation about my behavior spurs an epiphany in me....and after it seems so OBVIOUS I don't know how I missed it all these years. It is like the time I realized I actually have TERRIBLE coping skills...I seriously thought prior to this little epiphany that I was fantastic at dealing with stress and had all sorts of awesome coping skills based on the fact I have never actually killed anyone (ha!)...once I started breaking it down and seeing how stress affects me and what I do to comfort myself in times of stress it became pretty damn clear I do NOT deal with stress well at all and my coping skills do not serve me well.

It is moments like this that make you really appreciate good friends...reliable, trusted good friends who possess enough depth  and care to bother 'observing' you and are able to share it without it making you feel at all bad about it...the truth is I am a delicate flower...it's true hahah

A's grad pics are lovely...I have sent them all out and even though the total cost was HALF A MONTHS RENT it is what it is and wHATEver! They are loverly and I am looking fwd to the 11x18 shrine portrait of A. that will get put up in my living room haha

ok I am not too tired to type....

Timely Quote of the Day

"True friends stab you in the front”- Oscar Wilde

Hurry Up Already!

Oh sweet Thursday...I am always busy and love it at work...plus it is the day before Friday which is the best work day of the week b/c it’s like Christmas Eve as a kid...the day before sheer awesomeness.
Now that A. has her “N” she is chomping at the bit to get a car...for those of you who do not live in BC the “N” means :
http://www.icbc.com/driver-licensing/getting-licensed/graduated-licensing/novice-stage

Basically you are on probation...you drive on your own but you can only ever have 1 passenger and there are other restrictions...which have saved lives since becoming law. It really is a genius set up...by taking the driving school program A. has 6 mths less of the restriction period (24 mths down to 18 mths)...now if only they would jack the drinking age up to 21...

I should probably be more worried about it but I have already spent 18 yrs tormenting myself she would get hit by a car walking down the street so this new thing isn’t all that worrying...I DO worry about choices she will make of course...having more ppl in the car...drinking...etc. It is impossible not to spazz about that in your head but she is 18 and really...what control do I have unless she is in the room with me...ZERO. All I can do is stress the importance of doing the right thing and cross my damn fingers.

Went and saw gibbled Donna last night with Sarah...oh she is miserable...and rightly so. With her Caribbean cruise in 6 weeks it would be nice for her to heal up well enough so she isn’t a total wheelchair’er on the trip.

So I figured out all my weird earthquake/lava/separation dreams are because I am reading the 5th instalment of the Clan of the Cave Bear book series...the whole series of course has a character named A.yl.a and is about separation and such so...I am sure that is sparking some of that business. I have the 5th to read and then the 6th and I am now fully engrossed back in that world. Having read the 1st four while I was pregnant they have completely ingrained themselves into my mind... hence why A. is named A.Y.L.A.

Still waiting for the damn tour company to email us all the details about A’s trip next month. I bugged them again today and they said they send them out 7-14 days prior to the trip....FUGGGG!! Seriously!! That is friggin lame...ugh. There are a few details to work out with getting to the Airport...meaning if the flight is EARLY she may have to stay in Vancouver over night. This is going to cause me a lot of ANXIETY...b/c if she misses the damn flight due to some weird life thing that happens even to anal retentive and uber prepared ppl like me – I will shit the bed.

THANK YOU BABY JESUS!

A.Y.L.A. GOT HER "N" TODAY!!!!!!

WOOOOHOOOOO!

So proud I could eat my own arm off! Impressive b/c she really has not had much practice comparative to kids with driving parents so her accomplishment is even more impressive to me... :o)

Way to go kid! xo

Gag a Maggot

A. is going for her driving test tomorrow. PRESSURE!! All of u please cross your fingers and send very positive energy her way mainly b/c aside from the 110.00 rape fee to take the test I REALLY do not wanna deal with the fall out of her not passing...the teenage rage and ire...anything but that.

My Monday is gunna be a shit-show. That's all I am saying about that...so I am gunna be sure to enjoy the shit out of today...gunna go hang with the handicap gang (aka Donna and Aunty Shirley and Cousin Cindy) for a bit then the lesbos are coming over for the walking dead later...then I shall prepare for Monday...ugh.

Great show on CBC this weekend...about MANNERS...and how us North Americans have been raised (for the most part) as total narcissists...we are all about what we want now and it's all me me me...and regardless of all the new technology (cell phones etc) the old rules of manners still apply...is it considered rude to ignore the ppl in the room with you? Yes but ppl do it all the time while they fart around on cell phones. Is it rude to be loud and obnoxious in public? Yes...but ppl constantly speak loudly on cell phones on public transit and get pissed off when asked to keep it down b/c they think you are being rude to THEM. FML...the state of the world is so bizarre. Anyway it was good...

OmG - my SPROG goes to Mexico in 4 weeks.... which reminds me  - last night at 1230 am I went into A's room thinking she was asleep to shut her lamp off - and I am sneaking b/c I don't wanna wake her only she wasn't asleep and I ended up scaring the bejeseeesus outta her which made me giggle all the way to my room...I really felt bad actually b/c I actually gave her a friggin heart attack...SORRY KID!

Gutter Trance

Today I arrived at my destination appointment 35 mins early (yeah - I know) so I trotted over to a bus stop and had a seat...across the street was a guy on the roof...replacing gutters...he was removing the old ones...and I sat there mesmerized (Lhasa was playing on my MP3 player) that he was not falling off the damn roof...he was like a squirrel up there...and I just sat there staring...as he worked I realized where the power line to the house was and was waiting for him to toss an old gutter wrong and electrocute himself and the whole house...but like his ninja squirrel skills his gutter toss skills were prime...and nobody was electrocuted to death. His hammering of gutters was also awe inspiring...if it were ME hammering  in the same position with my face so close to the hammer oh you bloody bet I would hammer my gawd damn face...and I waited for him to pop himself in the nose but nope...serious professional! It was then I noticed he was actually quite attractive - that's when I felt like a creepy skulker...but I still sat and watched for a while...It was like watching Bob Ross paint a landscape...so chill and relaxing...

After the Gutter Trance I went to my appt - looks good to go to start volunteering at the local Transition House...I am quite looking fwd to the training and doing something different and useful. Got a new bus pass so now I am not the idiot who tries swiping it 10x before the driver looks at me with disgust and waves me through...wander walked a lot despite the fact my MP3 player and my camera were both victims of dead batteries. The new camera is cool but with it just having 2 batteries I don't think I am getting the battery time I am accustomed to sadly. It will make me have to be really on top of it...ugh!

Donna is managing but incredibly unhappy with her life hahaha Poor woman...she wiped out and fell on it today and feels like the 1st day again...hopefully tomorrow its better.

hahaha beaver-y happy

hahaha beaver-y happy, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Missing Seattle Awesomeness

Right now Michelle and Harrison are at a club seeing Matt Good play an acoustic show on his US tour...while I am MORTIFIED I am not there...I am so very glad they finally get to see him...esp ACOUSTIC b/c that's my gawd damn favorite way to experience him...I look fwd to Michelle's epic long, detailed email about the whole fucking show...details only *I* appreciate...sigh.

don't be fooled by how relaxed she appears

Miss Donna is safe at her home, snuggling in with Aunty Shirley....man...remind me to never break a bone (of my own that is) or require a stay at the hospital...wtf is this 4 ppl to 1 room shit...and CO-ED? SERIOUSLY?! When I am at my fucking worse I do not want some creepy old dude in my general vicinity...and I am pretty sure he doesn't want me around him either...it would be bad enough with 4 females...but mixed genders...fuck that. I am so not on board with that...listening to a 3874783 yr old man moaning and crying that he is dieing for 3 days made it pretty clear to me that he did not belong in that room...he certainly required more care than he was getting and a little fucking dignity would have been nice too...we won't even discuss the bed-shitter in the room...I am still trying to rid myself of the odorous memories of the week.

I felt a little torn leaving Miss Donna last night...I felt like it was my duty to ensure she survives this busted ankle nightmare...but lucky 4 her her futon is too low to the ground and I can't sit or sleep on it comfortably lol I might zip out there Monday if I can for a visit...see how the 2 of em are getting on....hopefully no ones killed anyone by then.

Man - messed up dream last night...family wedding beat downs and then discovering I was pregnant...I woke up in a gawd damn panic and was relieved beyond words the whole thing was not actually happening...I thought about it throughout the day...41 and pregnant...JFC how horrific...eggs are old and surely more corrupt that usual...retard baby for sure...oh wait...never mind I wouldn't care b/c I would be giving it to Jerri to mother...I am so done. I am one giant CONFLICTION.. - yeah I made that word up...wrapping your head around being an 'empty nester' is a mindfuck and a half...part of me pines to be alone and less wrapped up in the sprog's needs, wants and drama...and part of me mourns for all that is soon to be gone...despite so much of it being one struggle after another in some capacity or another their was a ton of good stuff in there...heartwarming to go with all the heartbreaking...I am sure sprog will only focus on the bad shit until she is 40...she will have nice stories for her therapist. She will probably call and ask me to pay half like I get called now to pay for yoga, etc. ha....ha...ha.

I am spending tomorrow at home...tiddling my house...cleaning...turfing...lounging...Sunday it is finally WALKING DEAD DAY!!!! JFC...if I didn't love that show so much I'd cut the channel off and say FUCK YOU AMC FOR MAKING US ALL WAIT 2 MONTHS FOR A NEW EPISODE...this mid-season break shit can suck a dong. Erin n Amanda will likely come over for the grand affair...Monday I have an interview/meeting re: my volunteering @ the Transition House here in town...I hope I can get this gig & get in there and do the training...my brain requires something new...

I just re-read SHE'S COME UNDONE for the 1st time in 15ish years...jfc...I love that book...Dolores Price and I have a lot in common...more on that later. I have hiccups real bad right now.....fugg.

bloody hell!

-donna broke her ankle in 3 places

-had surgery today finally (this happened on sunday)

-i have taken 4 days off this week to be her nurse maid

-its a buncha hurry up & wait hospital crapola

-donna snores really loud whilst high on morphine

-i bought a new camera i really shouldn't have bought but i did anyway

-not gunna lie...im freaked out to look after donna all gibbled...getting her to the toilet and back to the couch is really really stressing me out - maybe she will share her morphine with me

-not driving in these situations sucks the hairiest grossest smelly ass of all time

-im reading SHE'S COME UNDONE again...i haven't read it since 1998 or something..? anyhow...it's is kicking my ass...such a good book

-i need a cup of tea right now

Firemen are nasty

It's true. Look at this email I just got from Kelly the Fireman:

"So I read your blog about your dental experience and coincidentally I had to go to the dentist this past Thursday for a crown. Well, the first part of a crown, which involves grinding the bezeezus out of a tooth and putting a temporary cover on it until the new gold one is made. Yes I had the damn rubber damn and the block to keep my mouth pried open.
Well, apparantly, I snored........."

PS: 2 days is a break right?

I should teach a class called BAD MOM 101

Dismal failure....it is the only way to describe it.

I should have put the kibosh on the whole b’day thing the moment she looked uninterested and too tired to give a shit...sadly my own drive to do what I think is expected of me – which often is completely one sided and deluded – is often a big fat waste of time. Oh well...such is life a week prior to menstruation when I am not anywhere near rational or emotional stable enough to deal with barbed remarks and apathy.

In fact I am in such a mood I am not even going to type anymore and turn this into a big fucking self-hate fest. Gunna take a little internet break I think...see if I can force my lard ass out walking again until i can see a little positivity creep back into my head.

18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18



Holy BIG EYES Batman!

 Yay for my sproglette being the one who exploded from my vagina 18 yrs ago today. HURRAY!!

Sure – she infuriates me on a consistent basis...belittles me...mocks me...scares the ever-loving shit out of me...judges me...swears at me...communicates poorly...laughs at me...never asks to make me a cup of tea...or a meal...leaves a trail of mess everywhere...but I wouldn’t trade her for anything.

Today young A. gets to VOTE....and PAY TAXES! What a perk....vote and pay taxes but can’t legally drink...or buy scratch n win tickets.

Like everything else in life it seems these moments of monumental memory remain just those...memories with no real fireworks aside from the brain explosions I self-induce in my own head. I walk around on days like today in awe that on the day of the birth of my fabulous little human girl child there are still homeless ppl asleep on the sidewalks downtown...and people still wandering around looking unhappy...ON SUCH A DAY AS THIS!



My lovely little arm licker!



What the hell is wrong with people? Don’t they know how this person transformed me and the people around her in ways we cannot even articulate? Don’t they realize the impact of her existence on the universe...? Hmmmf...I will keep it all to myself...revelling in her annoying teenage rage, lack of life experience and her crippling beautiful glow...oh yes I am a fucking poet today aren’t I? How can I help it? When a person’s vagina is obliterated by a force as strong as this - one can’t help but feel poetic and muse about the fantastical little human that has imprinted on me...actually I imprinted on her....I think she is far less attached to me than I am to her...she has always been a secure little free-spirit. She had moments of clinginess which I always enjoyed...and still do occasionally but she really is and always has been her own little force of nature. She will do well in life...

Happy 18th Birthday
A-Y-L-A – J-U-N-I-P-E-R!! xo