drivel

Funny how sometimes it hits you like a ton of bricks...how us FORTUNATE folk take things for granted.

I am standing outside the grocery store tonight...and I see this man, clearly homeless, walk over to the garbage and take out a bag that was full of someones partially eaten Chinese food...he starts chowing down.

And I stand there...over weight...holding 2 bags of groceries waiting for a cab to drive my lard ass up the hill.
I felt like such a FOOL.
I gave the guy 10 bucks and told him to go get some warm food inside, he promptly went straight to the deli to get some dinner.
What a gluttonous society we have become.
I am sickened that I am a willing partner in it all.

Ayla says she can not go to France. Won't go.
She is not ready, not quite *there* enough to appreciate the experience it would be. I am not willing to make the sacrifices until she is there so...maybe next year.
In the meantime I am encouraging her to take a few weeks and go to California to see her grandparents this summer. I hope she will gather up the ball-age to do it, meet the rest of her family there and see her dad again in a different venue.

I recently had a conversation with someone about pigeon-holing yourself.
How limiting it is...no, I don't want to secretly run around wearing lacey dresses and high heels...
or go to the Merritt Mountain Music Festival...ha ha ha
Looking back I can see how I really limited myself when I was younger...got it in my head that *cool* was a certain way and wasnt open to anything else.
Got it in my head that the only way to not get hurt is to be a smart ass bitch and keep ppl at arms length, even if all I wanted was to be embraced and feel worthy of someones affection.
It is a self-perpetuated cycle of bullshit...I backstroke in the pool that is this bullshit everyday.
Sometimes I think I have a personality disorder. ha ha ha
Probably not too far from the truth.

Anyhoo...on to lighter topics.
Oh I cant think of any.
ha!