FYI

Mothering Rhymes With Smothering

There is a fine line between mothering and smothering...all depends on who you talk to, who is doing the smothering/mothering and who is on the receiving end.
We all have our ideas about what is right & wrong when parenting and I now personally believe that no one can ever have an opinion until they've felt the stabbing heartbreak of losing their once sweet child to the grips of teenage-ism.

OF COURSE it is not comparable to death but it is a grieving process all the same...you grieve the loss of the sweet kid who loved you unconditionally, who slipped you love notes, who would pat you on the back or hug you when u were sad...you would do anything for that kid...even kill.
Now...when faced with that kid growing up into a teenager/young adult you still have all those feelings of love, protectiveness, fierce loyalty...and they suddenly can hardly find the strength to look at you let alone piss on you if u were on fire.

It is an adjustment I admittedly have not been smoothly transitioning into.
I am pretty self aware and realize that much of it has to do with my own neurosis' & needs as a human...I recognize that my identity is based on being someones mom...and when all that comes crashing down and u get stabbed in the throat with the realization that RIGHT NOW your kid hates your guts and is up to gawd knows what and you are essentially powerless it is a bit of a mindfuck.

Let's review some of the things I did not do as a parent:

I never once shoved my kid into a microwave - as a joke or a photo op or just to see what would happen.I never once tried to make her eat a chicken leg as an infant or feed
her a bottle for that matter.
Never shook her....even when I felt like it.

I never threw away her honest notes...like the last one from June 30 2009 that was left on my desk:
MY MOTHER'S FUCKING INSANE.

Nope...kept that one...it is still posted on the fridge.

Never woke her up with a blow horn....NOT ONCE.

Never took her to see strippers.

I never even made her sleep in a crib for fucks sake....

I think I buckled her up right but now I am not so sure b/c I never had a car the rules about this seems way more intense then they were 15 yrs ago so I was likely totally in the wrong on that one when we were in cars.

Never duct taped her to a wall...even when I wanted to.

Never lifted her up by the head....I only ever did that to my little sister Kimmy.

Never locked her in a dog kennel, even if it was justified.

Never ONCE let a stranger nurse her...especially a guy.

Never let her try smoking cuz it was *cute* or drink beer as a toddler...

Never let her mainline Coke...powdered or otherwise...

I have never tossed a random lizard in her bath when she was little even if I do think that would be the funniest fucking thing to video tape.....

And yeah I may be fat and be a spectacle to walk down the street with but I never shaved my head and raged at the paparazzi with an umbrella so....whatever....

What to do...what to do...you don't stop loving them ever even when they are heinous little pieces of shit to you...even when they are complete and utter dirt bags to you....you would never be friends with or tolerate anyone else in the world treating u as poorly as your kids do at times....which is why it is so hard to deal with.

You dont want to over-react about things....but u dont want to under-react either...
You can't win for losing...you can't.
It is a cross your fingers and hope for the best scenario and I am SO VERY POOR at that...
this shit is too important to leave up to chance...fuck if that was what it was going to come to why did I go to such great lengths to ensure she always safe & protected & loved up until now....?
Oh that's right b/c the universe KNEW this day was coming and the stronger base they have the better they will weather it...yeah that's right.
Not much comfort.


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