melt...down...TOWN...BROWN....

Here is my dilemma...

It is looking very much like lay offs are happening in the gov't Ministry I work for...I have looked into it...you get 4 weeks notice...that's 1 month to find another job. That's not really enough time.
It sounds like the lay offs will happen in the fall and it's not that far off...

I am struggling terribly in my head b/c at the end of July the 1st payment for Ayla's trip to France comes out of my bank....500.00.
I have all the $ for her trip already...its in my bank...and once the payments start coming out for it I wont get all of it back if I cancel. I have already paid a 300.00 non refundable deposit.

So...do I cancel the trip now b4 I put any more $ into it that I wont get back b/c I might get laid off and might have to take a job and earn less if I do get laid off....OR do I just go ahead as planned let the payments come out and consider the money NOT THERE for consideration of any sort? Keep in mind thats all the $ I have in the world...and if its not there I have nothing to fall back on.

I want her to go...more than anything...but I can't help but panic at the prospect of being in between regular pay chqs...that trip $ could get us through 2 incomeless months...but then wtf...if it doesnt happen or I got a job right away the trip opportunity is lost.....

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK

Then im shitting b/c what if I look for jobs right now (I did apply for 4 jobs up at UVic today most of which were 1 yr temp jobs)....and happen to get one....leave this one (that I actually quite love) out of fear and then it turns out I shouldn't have....? It is not all that easy getting into a gov't position so leaving prematurely seems VERY risky but....what if there are no fucking jobs for me when I do get laid off and im FUCKED....?

I don't have a partner to get me though a rough patch...I can't pick up and move Ayla out of Victoria...I am positive my friends and family would ensure our survival but the prospect of going *backwards* is a daunting one for me...plus I am a high strung neurotic human who clearly doesn't deal with stress very well...

I feel like cutting off every non-essential thing out of sheer panic....my anxiety level is through the roof....even though I know logically I should not be shitting the bed over something that hasn't happened yet...there are so many what if variables & risks my head is spinning...

10:20 PM:

OOkkkay...Aunty Pam talked me down...I am off the ledge.....plan is to let go of the trip....cancel it...maybe if things don't go down the shitter we can just take a trip somewhere like Cuba or Mexico with the $....but France isnt going anywhere...

With that $ in the bank I can relax & not panic/freak out about the lay off as much....and I will just toddle about my life/work and if I get the lay off letter then I am set up to take some time to sort my shit out until EI starts or a new job starts............

I can NOT imagine how ppl survive lifes uncertainty with debt hanging over their heads...if I had a mortgage or car payments I would be in a straight jacket....I swear.

How did you like that text panic attack? I have been crying all day...this is the 2nd time in a week my Aunty Pam has had the displeasure of me sobbing on the phone (I spared u Cathy b/c you have your hands full already haha)...I AM FUCKING LUCKYYYYYYYYYYYYY TO HAVE AUNTY OPTIONS WHEN I NEED ADVICE AND AN EAR...I love you auntys!

I am going to shoot heroin now to relax...ok not really but fuck.

Oh I have decided to get FEAR IS THE MIND KILLER tattooed on me somewhere...