post-coital tristesse

My name is Jennifer & and I am an emotional retard.
How are you all?

I have today off today making this the 4th day in a row....very nice but {ok im gunna say it} work provides me with a good distraction from myself and I have been making myself stay as busy as possible lately to ward off feelings of impending doom...unfortunately being at work isn't as helpful either b/c the mood there is hideous and makes it all worse somehow.
I went out to lunch w/ a group of ladies form work on Monday and couldn't even conjure up the social skills to speak really the whole time...they mostly talked about work which - for me - is a just a bleak topic I care not to partake in...left there feeling like my typical socially retarded self.

My hair is turning gray at a pace that is fascinating to watch happen.

I understand why ppl drink/drug themselves to stop feeling things...I truly understand it.

Last night at 11 pm, even though I was in a half coma on the couch I got up and took off for a 40 min power walk...it was awesome with no one around and it was dark and cool...I hauled my fat ass up that hill like I owned that bitch...will be keeping that in mind as a way to weasel more exercise into the mix...

Not sure what to do today....I have a few paintings on the go....just looking for my stash of googly eyes that I have put somewhere and now can't remember the location...story of my life.
I can't tell you how many times I have put something away for safe keeping only to completely FORGET where it is.

Sometimes I wish I could just cut my own head off....maybe a Greyhound bus ride is in order? I think there should be a poll, asking all ppl if they have this feeling of wanting to be separated form their thoughts and mind on a constant basis...? I know I am not unique...for the most part I am at one with all my neurosis' and emotional crash & burns b/c I know the patterns...the down always turns up but anything prolonged going on worries me b/c there is a point where it is harder to turn back my way...

Being genetically predisposed to depression is weird. I often wonder if my younger life wasn't such a cess pool of failure, but rather fabulous growing up in a happy home and being full and present in my goodness, if I would still struggle feeling how I feel....? There are depressed ppl out there from every walk of life, I know this, but I do always wonder if things would be different. Not that it changes anything.

The reason I know this is chemical and not "cry baby oh woe is me I cant afford to have an iPhone I want" is b/c I can separate myself and look at it from outside my core being. My logical self lets me see me for who I am...I can see everything I have going for me...I can see how fortunate I am...I know I am loved by my family and friends...I can see what I have to offer ppl and the universe...I possess unending empathy for other ppl...I see clearly my short comings in my personality/psyche, the void, the hole, the need....I see me as others see me and judge me and covet me...I get it...but that chemical override is something I cannot deny....I am a fabulous fucked up genius-spazz trapped within her own toilet bowl of sadness on a fun floaty device.

See where I am going with this? Me neither. I am just talking. Just brain blurting my way through this morning, fending off a cry, until I figure out what I am gunna do with my day.

I wish I bought more corn on the cob at the market yesterday...