One love feeds the fire...one heart burns desire...

I am excited b/c in 30 mins I am going to bed...at 9pm...with a book...my phone to play a game or 2. VICTORY! (hopefully!)

So - I installed this app on my phone that Michelle B told me about...MY FITNESS PAL...lol Sounds so ghey...(and I mean that this time AMANDA & ERIN)...you punch in everything you eat and it does all the friggin math for you even though I do not buy into that ideology that it is necessary to get into all that to be healthy...I know EXACTLY what I should be eating and what I shouldn't...every piece of food that passes my lips does not do so with extreme over-thought - trust me...anyhow...I have been meaning to start writing down everything I eat for a while just b/c it does make you a little more accountable when you are mindful about such things...well this things takes it to the next level and adds all the fat and calories etc and lets you know how many you have left for the day after each entry....well by 2pm I was allowed 88 more calories. Fack! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA Clearly today was a bad experiment but it was interesting....so I will do it for a while and watch the improvement...--- that is me being an optimist right there...it is like a wild, mysterious unicorn, doesn't let itself be seen often.

I am listening to Journey...feeling less bad about saying SUCK IT to the Journey/Loverboy/Night Ranger concert coming to town in December...I am over it now...nostalgia or not 100 bones plus s/c is dumb and I will sit at home and listen to the 3 bands on my computer. I would pay more than that to see Heart live if they promised to do the whole Dreamboat Annie record live...fml I would LOVE that!




Anyhow...Me + a book + my bed = RIGHT NOW!

Low Tech

Upon hearing the announcement that Journey, Night Ranger and Loverboy coming to Victoria in December I was thinking about how I would play the ever-loving shit out of all my records as a kid...like...not just a lot...a shit ton. Factor in that I was usually ALWAYS grounded to my bedroom - it was pretty serious obsessive behavior...now had my folks really wanted to break me all they would have had to do was take away my record player or records...mind you that would have been a terrible parenting choice b/c then I would have had to stab them in their sleep or burn the house down. I was ruled by rage and stupidity as a kid...Connie and I plotted the death of a few people...we didn't make maps or sketches of the plan but we had thought about it to the degree where it is kinda creepy...example: body disposal. We considered waiting for it to be just before a freeze so we could dump the said victim in the river and then the body would be frozen all winter and not be found until it thawed - destroying most of the evidence. (Did all the hairs just stand up on the back of your neck? Good.) Luckily...even at my worst I am rather sensible to a degree so you know...we never killed anyone.

I just saw a photo of my biological father on Facebook (his daughter Sara posted one of the 2 of them)...he is in his 60's now...I detect NO resemblance whatsoever. None. Do you see any? I know I kinda look like my mom ppl say but I can't see that either so I think maybe I just can't make that sort of connection. (A. just looked and sees it but I still don't)

Sara (half sister) & Gord (bio-father)

Moi

Mom

Pretty trippy...funny how in time none of that really matters at all...I truly couldn't give less of a shit about it. The damage is done and long gone...it is not just a novelty of searching faces in photos for a glimmer of recognition...going through loser dad stuff with A. has lead me to where I am with my own stuff...I look at A. and her life and can see plain as day that it does not need to have any grand hold over her future. It is what it is...and fuck it - carry on and live your life. I have spent far too much of my life pissed off about other peoples behavior or lack of behavior - what a waste of time and energy that should have gone into dealing with my own behavior and life.
Of course telling someone in the thick of it is generally not much good.

UPDATE 2023: in 2017 via Ancestry DNA I found out that guy was not my dad after all...hahahhaha and I actually look like my real dad a bit...FORESHADOWING POST!