Sept 10 2009 - Meh

My throat is trying to get sore...
I will try to will it away.
Not that I have anything better to do than have a sore throat BUT I don't like the potential chest cold that could follow and will do damn near anything to avoid that.

Not surprised by my immune systems turn on me...it's been an intense few weeks and I am certainly all over the damn map. I think it is time for me this weekend to sit down on my couch and just watch a Mighty Boosh marathon of funniness. That's right...Vince Noir will lighten my mood, if anyone can, he can. I have been avoiding "stillness" lately, trying to keep moving, busy and unthinking...getting shit done...participating in mindless conversation as a distraction from myself.

Everyone needs to send Barb a mental hug please...he only daughter Eva just moved to BC from AB to attend UBC (kick ass Eva!) and Barb is experiencing empty next psycho-trauma...as one would expect. I always talk shit about how once Ayla's old enough and leaves home I will be in my glory, truth is I will likely be a friggin basket case b/c...well...just because. haha So...Barb...I am sorry...there is no greater pain than the pain caused by your kids, no matter what the scenario.

This ones for Barb: Weird Cat Video



I rented a few Little Britain dvds last week at the urging of about 4 people who have been telling me for ages I *NEED* to watch them...I never got to it but I am gunna keep them for this weekend...I don't enjoy comedy near as much when watching it solo...it is just not as funny as feeding off the laughter and reaction of someone else...but gawd dammit...I will get it done!

Sept 9 2009

this morning my hair towel was on so tight I got to look at myself as if I had a face lift...and it was no inspiring hahahahaha

went and saw the movie EXTRACT with Donna on the w/e and Gene Simmons was in it and jesus christ...he really shouldn't have had that face lift...he looks even weirder now...it was amusing, the movie i mean....

school fees are rolling in....gawddddddd 50 bucks for a yearbook! INSANE ROBBERY! i feel raped but will pay b/c gawd knows the kid who doesn't get a yearbook (that was usually me in school) always feels like a turd.

my reformat went fine but man it takes a long while to tweak your stuff to get it how u like it...im having a few issues that will have to wait til the w/e i think...my mp3 player charges but isnt being read as a storage device so i cant add new cds on to it and that JUST WILL NOT DO.

long weekend for me again this weekend...woot! woot! my previous friday plans have been canceled and ive made other plans...
the problem with having previously (how shall i describe it...) "spent time" with a certain someone who is a music glutton and in 4 bands around town is that usually one of the fucking bands is playing at most events i want to go to...which is going to be annoying for the next month or so until indifference takes over 100%...im about 50% there now...maybe 75% actually...

i heard a RUMORRRRRRRRRR that Puscifer MAY be coming to victoria and it makes me EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD...if my pretend husband Maynard James Keenan comes here i simply must go!

its a rainy walk to work today...the weather has turned....:o) makes it nicer for walking hard when its cooler alright.......ok im fucking boring.

oh yeah...

FUCK YOU.

woot! woot!

Happy birthday to my lovely man-friend Guy!

Thanks for making down your moms birth canal in tact and alive.

xoxoxox

themes

today I busted every nail on my right hand off in a laundry bucket pulling accident....its taken me a month to regrow them after the last nail busting incident.
it is hard to keep my right hand in fingernails it seems....left hand, not a problem.

least i dont bite em anymore...

i just met someone recently from powell river here in victoria and we knew all the same hoodlums back in the day but never managed to meet each other...that's SO funny to me b/c PR was such a small place and the hoodlum crowd so concentrated...its been funny updating them on who is dead, who turned out to be a pedophile and who went on the straight n narrow...in turn i get to hear funny stories of botched robberies and general chaos...which always entertains me.

the new Matthew Good album stream of VANCOUVER is divine....this album is addressing the issue of vancouvers down and outs that are ignored by the city and most ppl in general...there is nothing better than a MG album with a political agenda and a message worth sharing....thats right NOTHING...that includes a moderately large cock ....b/c an album is always a sure thing on every level...every level indeed.

i havent been phone chatty to all u family out there possibly feeling like im quiet these days...so much has gone on....such great stuff with ayla this weekend...im talking earth-shattering good shit...work is an uncomfortable nightmare now...so i go and plow through the days just wanting the limbo to end.
everyday i go im just pining for a call or email about a placement...that's it.
the sooner that happens the better 4 my psyche...if it doesn't happen...well im not going there just yet...it'll work itself out.

today feels like going to a movie downtown day.....

flood

It is a remarkable feeling to have someone you love - for the 1st time ever - pour their feelings out to you with raw honesty. You can taste the trust in the air when this happens. Even through their anger, sadness & hopelessness you can see the light that will come from the exchange and it helps you guide their tender selves towards it. You can't fix it by any means but it is such a healthy step, regardless of how it came about, that while you lay heartbroken in your bed reliving all your choices and decisions you know that this admission and ultimate release of festering rage will only help in moving past it...freeing that someone of a lifetime of pain a lot sooner than you yourself were able to move past it.

Needless to say I was up very late last night and it feels like I was at a kegger this morning...my mind is going to reel today, scrambling to process...dissect it all 100x over...put a game plan together...what a shift...a complete shift.

hahhaa

Today at work we were called into a meeting...if I have known what KIND of meeting it was I would have been in the bathroom with fake diarrhea hiding....
We had to go in and talk about what's been going on at work: the lay offs, and the crazy fuck who has been calling and threatening to kill himself via self immolation if his son cant get a loan...

Needless to say I bowed outta that whole conversation fairly quickly...it felt like a really lame version of intervention....

I am falling asleep....its exhausting being ignored. Good night!

Sept 4 2009

I am looking fwd to a laid back weekend....going to reformat my computer...out with the old and in with the new! See a movie...do some painting, make some phone calls to the auntie's, walking, baseball tossing, crazy freaky badminton, I think I will walk to a coffee shop far away from my house and sit down for a tea and read my book...who knows...all I know is school's almost in and this makes me delighted!

We had a union rep person come in yesterday...it was friggin hilarious b/c while we had a regular old meeting about how this whole lay off/placement thing is going to work and the HR ppl were in attendance it was boring and agonizing...as soon as they left the union rep started ranting and it was good stuff! She was honest about it all and was not sugar coating anything and got her opinion out there so it was pretty entertaining.

Apparently Gordon Campbell's approval rate is 17% currently. I think he should be happy to have 17% b/c I cant find one person who is a Campbell fan.

Must get bbq propane on the way home today gawd dammit!!! I have steak calling my name in the freezer for this weekend...

Cousin Kelly's dog Gibson died the other day, I will spare you the gory details but it was very very sad....Madelyn thinks he has gone to live on the island with new people with a big yard so he can run around crazy, that's a nice version for her I think....Hope yer okay Kelly! xo

I love it when Matt Good is off doing press for an upcoming record b/c that means 1) it is coming out SOON!!!! and 2) he will be here for a show soon!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Sept 3 2009

Numbers and time...I am a little OCD about numbers and time...like my 30 day limit with boys....the 30 day limit is alive and well...lucky for me I had the type of childhood where disconnecting from people comes easily a lot of the time...I never forget about them and always cherish them but one thing I can do like nobody's business is detach...

Today has been so fucking weird...I blame the full moon honestly....yes that's it.

Received an email from Ayla's dad a mere 13 mths after she visited him last year...it was long too...telling me about all the fun stuff he's been doing and lying as he does about a pile of other things he doesn't think I already know...I am not even replying, mainly because: A) I have enough stress in my life right now that I do not need his selfish cunt of a personality leeching me of any energy B) I am not interested in what he is doing in the slightest C) I just plain do not give a flying fuck about him.

I am through with emotionally leeching men...on every level. I recognize the *me* in this...my part in it...my willingness to surrender myself (this is not sexual whatsoever u perverts) as a show of proof that I am capable of dismantling my own walls for the right person...I get this...
but at the same time I am not owning it all...I am not responsible for other ppls motives, agendas or hang ups...just my own...

I am concentrating on me...my ingrate child and my job. I am willing myself to get a placement through work...I don't even care where...I will slap mashed potatoes onto hospital dinner trays for 22 bucks an hour...and the sooner I get a placement the better...I have started the preening process...CROSS YER DAMN FINGERS PPL...

And me...well im on such a good roll that I am not letting any of this shit get me down...I am shrinking...and I am not stopping for anything no matter how bad carbicide is knocking at my door.

Ayla's starting school soon - OH THANK YOU GAWD IN HEAVEN - and then there will be a semblance of routine and order back in this house...

ok not fired but the 4 mth lay off notices were given out to 23 ppl yesterday, myself included.
our total office is 100 ppl so that is a REALLY big chop chop.

they try to place you in other open govt jobs b4 then so thats what i am hoping happens.
may be a great thing in the end, getting out of the unit im in (very dysfunctional) but it seems sad b/c its taken me a year to become useful and now all that learning is down the toilet....as it is fairly specific to this position...
anyway....
it is what it is....

i had a really shitty day yesterday bc u all know how well i deal with more than 1 issue at a time...!!!! hahaha

have also decided to back way off the boy issue...while i adore him and will remain friends and such (wink wink) for reasons of self preservation i cannot allow myself to think he will ever be emotionally available the way i require so...i am gunna be a big girl and just go from there...i really am at a place in life where i want a real boyfriend...and not someone i hope can schedule me in...i have finally hit that place where i demand to be cherished lol so if u know someone witty, funny, smart, not fatty phobic and isnt addicted to anything think of me.

FUCK MY LIFE new favorite website (thank you Lisa!!)

off to work....aka the funeral home.
jesus christ.

amazing....

absolutely fucking amazing....

i do not wanna talk about it.

monday meh!

im going to work early today so i can leave early since i am doing the AM phone shift this morning... cuz u know i cant wait to get back home and listen to the teenage sighing, slamming around and comments not so veiled in malice. how sweet is my life hey?

watched VALLEY GIRL last night...omfg i forgot how funny that movie was and how effing cute nicholas cage was as a young punk! i had a few moments where i actually LOL'd (like, for real!) ...

am at a complete loss about an issue im having with other parents currently...beginning to think i am perceived a lot differently than i perceive myself...its either that or the handful ive had to deal with are just messed up and love living in denial...i dunno...either way i am officially done feeling obligated to share information with them regarding the shit their kids are up to when i bust mine for something...the lack of parental camaraderie in this city disturbs me...ive never once rec'd a phone call from any other parent for a heads up about ANYTHING...thats 7+ yrs...while ive made MANY of these calls...perhaps i come off looking like a busybody with nothing better to do...? anyway...either way i am done.

sunday aug 30 2009

YAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I woke up at 530! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
I am napping today come hell or high water.

QUOTE OF THE CENTURY directed at me from Ayla last night:

"I'm so lonely I am talking to YOU!"

I cannot tell you how amusing this was to me. Someone is not enjoying grounding...

S & M

merry good morning people....
it is a saturday here...the gulls are squawking outside at decibels hard to imagine...ayla the vicious badger is asleep still thank gawd...its been quite the few days around here...i don't think my ex steve managed to insult me on levels ayla has recently...and let me tell you he was a cruel bastard.
all i do is sit back and smile...and if u ever wanna push a teenage girl over the edge to the brink of psychosis ground her from going out until school starts, remove her internet access and suspend her cell phone...its gunna be a long long long 2 weeks...but im not backing down...if she doesn't comply with not going out then i dunno what'll happen but...im hoping she will simmer and get some perspective soon. last night shit was flying out of her bedroom like a tornado hit...i think i need to make a point of having ppl over, she doesn't act like a psycho if ppl are here...

rearranged my bedroom last night...i know i know...ocd jen but when i start not sleeping well i usually do change my room around bc i find it helps...i slept really good last night with my head facing the outside wall...and not having to face the city lights...sometimes i love that but its so effing bright sometimes i don't like it.

today ill rape the living room and revamp it...i think arika is coming over to knit while i tiddle about the house.

no other plans 4 the weekend...maybe roast beef at cassies later...walk walk walk...that's it.
am hoping ayla can be coerced to watch religulous with me but i wont hold my breath cuz that might insinuate she doesn't hate my guts and im not a complete fucking bitch.

there is something about moments where you are sitting and experiencing a verbal assault by the one person in the world you would kill for, maim for & die for telling you how intensely she loathes you, how worthless you are to her, how deep her hate runs for you...oddly i am not breaking into a million little broken pieces over it b/c - sadly - i have become accustomed to this talk from her - i expect it...and i can appreciate it being her truth right now...gawd knows i wanted to kill my own mother at 15...and beyond.

its a weird spot to be in...im avoiding violence at all costs bc i know once we go there it will all be lost. a physical altercation with her right now would end badly and i just don't want her having FIST FIGHT WITH MOM stories when shes grown up like i have with my own...then at the same time b/c she cannot be reasoned with AT ALL its like ive become this abused woman living in a house with someone who at every turn will run a dagger through me and there is little i can do about it...i have to sit here smiling and not reacting as I get shredded...its like being a kid myself again, completely helpless while someone uses me as a tool to get their aggression out.

but i will hunker down and endure...i have been appreciating advice ive sought even from kidless ppl...the objectivity is refreshing...
its a very different reality 4 ayla than it was for me...even though i was a raging angry teenager oozing aggression and shittiness i spent a good part of my life living with male figures where fear was a factor...she has never had that, i have had to be the nurturing parent and the intimidating parent all in one and while the intimidation is clearly slipping now i have morphed it and put it back on her...i cant stop her from leaving the house when she is grounded, its completely on her to check herself and decide how she wants all this to go and i just keep putting it back on her...
all i know is im sticking this 2 weeks out and if she steps outta line it will prolong it into the new school year and that's entirely up to her.

aint parenting grand? and ppl ask why i never had another one.

no bloodshed

more later

interesting

CLICK HERE

Aug 26 2009

so i think i have done it...i think i have become one with the impending lay off (which as far as i am concerned from all the budget talk on the radio and such are going to indeed happen)...
...i have 3 mths worth of rent saved...i will cancel my landline phone and cable tv...internet only and cell phones we will keep...we can totally coast...im gunna think of it as a vacation....thats right mthrfckrs...a vacation...so whatever happens happens...

lil miss ayla's gotten herself in a world of trouble currently..she is due home today...blow out to ensue...actually i am avoiding the blow out, might have a 3rd party attend to ensure it wont escalate...either way she was busted fair and fucking square and now must pay the piper for her dirtbag web of lies....
this was the longest and worst summer ever and she will not be staying in town the whole summer next year, job or not.
cathy/kim/mags/kel...you might have a visitor next summer. :o)

i did that hill 2x yesterday...after work and then on my might time walk.
i own that fucking hill now...it is my bitch.
DO YOU HEAR THAT HILL...YOU ARE MY BITCH.

next zak hang time may involve a speedo....that's all im saying 4 now...

there are some good shows going on in town this weekend...might keep me occupied @ night while Ayla's home grounded...and yes just 4 the record i realize her being grounded does punish me as much as it punishes her....i am well aware.........sigh.........esp once her phone gets suspended....she will unravel or she will dig in and be a righteous little MFer...i told her to come home humble....i doubt she can...its not her nature unless its self serving and im thinking she will be too PO'd to pull it off.

back to work...lunch is over.

armpit rape

my cat tried to rape Zak's armpit yesterday.

she does this with males...acts all crazy and wont stop sniffing their arm pits.......tries to nuzzle right in and then gets extremely affectionate....lol
so far zak and zed (hmmmm Z connection perhaps?) have had the most dramatic effect on her....its so queer to watch...lol esp when she starts baring her teeth hahahahah i got a few pictures of her laying blissfully on him looking intoxicated with his pheromones....haaaaaaa.

freak cat.


today im thinking is a MOVIE day....may wander down and see the time travellers wife so i can
bawl my head off in the privacy of a dark theatre! it looks severely sad to me but gawd how i live for that

shit...plus eric bana...sighhhhhhh


hhahahaha look at the cat in the last picture...LOL she is drunk hahahahaha

well im off to clean up and face this day....back to work tomorrow...

and no im not going to Pearl Jam in Vancouver in
September *pout* - stop asking.

Gramma

I am old. Leaving the house at 1130 pm to go anywhere is rather unheard of...I wandered down to Logan's...it was dead as a door nail due to a bunch of other shows going on around town sadly....so BLENDING IN was not as easy I had hoped....

I got myself an orange juice (if that's not hardcore I dunno what is) and scoped the place for an unassuming spot to plant myself....I chose to lay low at the back...I was there 4 minutes when this extremely drunk man came and stood beside me...in my mind I am screaming FUCK OFFFFF at top volume...not making eye contact, eyes to the floor, inching further away every second...I could tell he was looking at me...and I wanted to die...I kept ignoring him...but eventually he swooped right into my face and in what only language a drunk person can speak said:

Drunk: Hey! Am I good looking?
Me: Are u fucking kidding me?
Drunk: No...Im theriouthhhhhhhh... {that's *serious* is drunk speak in case u missed it}...my girlfriend of 8 years just dumped me and she told me I wasn't good lookin' and now I am thinking I am not good looking.
Me: I am sure she was just mad at you, don't worry about it.
Drunk: No but theriouthly....do you think ima good looking guy?
Me: {at this point I am amused} I am sure sober you are a good looking guy.
-this is the point he start playing with his hair overtop of my drink which I promptly move-
Drunk: Well, you know I live just a block away, we could go party at my house if ya want....
Me: I just got here and I am not going to your house.
Drunk: WELL I DIDNT MEAN WE WAS GUNNA FUCK!
Me: I did not presume such an atrocity.
Drunk: *undetectable drunk babble* Maybe I will go try out those girls over there...
Me: I think that's the best idea you have had tonight.

He eventually wandered off with 2 pals who before they left introduced themselves asking if I was the drunks friend...I said NO.

See...that's who I get....disgusting slobbering drunks in bars and 70 yr old men at Fairway Market. HA HA HA

The show was great...whether u like that music or not they are good...and of course I always enjoy being visually fixated by a certain someone but I gotta say it was a little odd having his ex there selling merch...being that it wasnt crowded I felt like I was sticking out like a sore thumb even though I am sure I managed invisibility as well as I always do (excluding drunk fuckhead guy)...afterwards I left promptly and hauled ass home in record time....of course I was WIDE AWAKE for another hour....going to bed at 2 isnt so bad when u dont wake up at 6 am. I dunno wtf is wrong with me waking up so fucking early all the time...I have a lot of energy these days but I am not getting quite enough sleep...I think this week I will make myself be in bed for 10 pm to make up for it.

Sat 11 pm

Well look at me Mz Old Lady Hardcore...in about a half hour I am wandering to Logan's to watch the mighty SELF INFLICTED...alone. Yes....that's right. I can think of 800 other things I'd rather do than go to a bar BY MYSELF but....such is life...if I wanna see the band then that's all there is to it. Slip in - slip out - undetected. Like an FBI Ninja Spy.
I would never just go hang out at a bar by myself...but b/c I have a focus/agenda it isn't so bad....to appear extra loser-ish I always bring a book in case I have to wait...If I was Arika I would bring my knitting.

Jesus Christ I tore my closet apart today...I HAVE A BUTTLOAD OF CLOTHES! I wanted to try on pants from yesteryear to see if they fit again...and some do (WOOT WOOT) so I am trying to get it all organized and get rid of at least 20 of my black tshirts....*eyeroll*

Tomorrow is Zakday....errr I mean Sunday...Beacon Hill Park walk...some steak...a movie....and such.

I love all these crazy pics cousin Kelly sends of lil Madelyn! Crazy kid!

I have buggered my shoulder...most unpleasant.
And despite my nap this evening my body is screaming bedtime...its about a 20 min walk, that should perk me up...
I just realized I will have to walk up the evil hill to get home...bleh!!!!!!