you are lucky I don't own a sword...

It is not every day that you name your kid after a character in a book...with that said....while I am nearing the end of the 6th & last book to date in the Jean M. Auel Earth's Children series - a certain EVENT that happened to my beloved A.y.l.a. in the book made me so angry and sick that I was shocked at how I was reacting to words on a page. Betrayal...even literary betrayal...sickens me...Jondalar...you are an ASSHOLE of EPIC GAPE! Arrrg!

Aside from that horrific book story that I am CLEARLY far too involved in – HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNTY CATHY! Lotsa birthdays coming up now...the next few months are like a cluster of birthdays...

Grad is but a fond memory...The dress will be sent back to Deanna this weekend...Ayla was at the dinner/dance less than an hour when someone spilled punch all.over.her...it came out mostly but needs a proper cleaning and Deanna is handling it as they may donate it to the Cinderella Project anyhow so it would get cleaned then. (Awesome idea by the way Ms Deanna!!) Pam and Jim are coming to town again this Friday...Pam is getting her old school 80s Pegasus Unicorn tattoo covered up with a new shmancy SLEEVE of owl, snake and craggy tree goodness! Saturday is her 1st appointment...outline only...ouch ouch ouch...outline is the worst. This enables me a nice mellow visit with her and Jim which will be a treat...AND HENRY ROLLINS THIS FRIDAY with Alex & Sarah....will be a blast of course...

Maggie, David and Sid and Pam will be down again June 29...which is awesome...Pam gets her 2nd appointment of pain done and I get a visit on the long weekend...In between those visits Tere is coming to visit...it is like I am mega-popular or something suddenly...
During all of this I am proclaiming utter poverty and NOT.SPENDING.A.DIME b/c I have not a dime to spend hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I am going to start leaving my cards at home (which I know is going to annoy the shit out of me at certain times) and continue missing concerts (ie: Metallica in Vancouver, Roger Waters The Wall, Puscifer in Vancouver...missed em all...)

Have an appt. with the sports med doc in the morning re: the foot ultrasound I had done last week...I have LOW expectations...so if he has anything informative to offer I will be thrilled...but I fear it will be a useless interaction like the previous one. I guess I will just PIN him down and make him answer: if I walk on this foot like a mofo, like I need to, to be healthy etc. am I WRECKING it....??? If I am going to permanently wreck it so that even if I did lose weight I'd still be all crippled I want to know that before I change my game plan...guess i will find out or not find out tomorrow.

It is vengeance time...time to begin some sort of mindfuckery on someone incredibly deserving and worthy of getting played with a little. No one directly in my life but someone that I have been thinking about for nearly 7 mths...someone who during someone's lowest moment in life did some things that are deserving of some payback...this is not just every day, real life crap that ppl do...this is some heinous shit...stuff that makes you gasp when you hear about it...and like most pieces of shit he just carried on with his life as if nothing was wrong and like he is a good person...the extra kicker is he is a church leader...not that such hypocrisy is unusual...in fact it is almost normal nowadays but...b/c this has stayed with me for 7 mths and has become impossible to ignore...I feel it is my DUTY to try and exact a little justice in the name of the fallen and the people who were left to pick up the pieces...sounds dramatic doesn't it? I know...I am hoping to be able to do more than open 53 accounts for Columbia House in his name (do they still exist?) or order him some lovely Danbury Mint collectors plates – COD....but really...at this point in time I am willing to do anything even if it just inconveniences him a little...Fucker.

Graduation....

CLICK HERE

A grand success....woohoo!

Someone is in love....!!!

I am in love with this happy little xmas egg...

Little Madelyn is in love with her big cousin A. and cannot wait to come see her. next week for her graduation...

Prison looks good on some people...

Yesterday I bashed my elbow/funny bone so hard on the corner of my desk I thought instantly that I never want to break my elbow b/c it would be 100000x worse.

So I got a new cell phone...it didn’t cost me anything and the monthly plan is the exact same as my previous one so it seemed like a good idea to try a new smarty pants phone out...I like to think of myself as a technically minded person...but the 1^st few days were making me feel like I needed to go to Sylvan Learning Centre to take a damn course in how to use a smart phone. Anyhow....after a week I am on the ball though I still am awkward with it a little...I do miss the sturdiness of my old flip phone...but it is handy...though admittedly I spent more time playing DRAW SOMETHING than anything else...it is this game where I draw a picture of a specified word so that the person I send it to tried to guess by watching the playback of me drawing it...it is absolutely hilarious...I laugh re-watching my own drawings the most b/c they are so....CHILD-LIKE. Ha! Or...as I just did recently to poor Tara...I thought I was drawing for the word “DEPP” so I made all these Johnny Depp movie refs and totally kicked ass but the word was actually EARRING and my fat fingers picked the wrong one and well yeah....My DEPP drawing was wasted!!!!! I have about 25 games going...it is insane. It has replaced my Angry Birds fetish.

Glad Michael Rafferty was sentenced and the trial is over...I have been following that horrific story a little worried he would somehow weasel out of the rape/kidnapping/murder charges but thankfully he is off to a max prison somewhere....hopefully someone will take care of business and rid the world of him.  His statement on the CBC website was disturbing...he spend most of the statement trying to manipulate Tori Stafford’s mother to gain private audience with her so she can know ‘the truth’...yeah...right. Creep. Enjoy prison....child rapists are REALLY popular in jail.

DEAR THE PEOPLE. NO I DO NOT WANT TO JOIN WEIGHT WATCHERS WITH YOU. OR DO A FASTING CLEANSE. STOP ASKING ME. I AM NOT PAYING $ TO BECOME MORE OCD ABOUT FOOD. FUCK OFF. THE END. FOREVER MORE – JEN

9 days til GRADUATION...OMG!!

Doh!

Seeing as I cannot escape summer – YET AGAIN – I will do like last year and make a concentrated effort to be less shitty about it...that of course does not count if it goes over 27 degrees which is about 80 for my American friends....once we are in the 80’s I am fairly unhappy unless I am at home and naked or in a cotton nighty in front of the fan...waiting to die of heatstroke. BUT – until then...what the hell...I can’t kill the sun so I may as well enjoy the evil wench for 3 mins at a time. Being less negative is my new mandate...wish me luck (I mean that NON-sarcastically of course).

I started walking part way to work again...not because I enjoy being sweaty 1^st thing in the morning or enjoy the urban outdoors...but b/c it is rather obvious I will be a dbl leg amputee if I do not MOVE...and keep moving....being gargantuan is annoying...and when Connie is here in August and we go exploring Botanical Beach in Port Renfrew I would prefer it if I did not drop dead of a fucking heart attack at her feet.

I am looking fwd to our visit a fair bit...she is coming Aug 2...so we have the 3^rd-7^th to hang out...no kids...no obligations....nothing....it will be the only time since we were teenagers that we have done this...I booked us a room for a night in Port Renfrew so we can beach explore....and stay the night...other than that we are free agents...we will visit a pub or 2....hang at home and cook...eat some good food...visit other beaches around Victoria...it is going to be AWESOME!

Concerts this summer are all organized and set...June 1 is Henry Rollins...1^st week in July is Bill Maher...July 13 is Tragically Hip/Sam Roberts/Current Swell/Jets Overhead...I am tapped...I hope no one else comes over this way. Tere is coming over the 1^st weekend in March...I have organized it with Sarah the Crafting Goddess to make Tere’s 2 memorial quilts out of Taylor’s clothes...one is for her and one for Taylor’s dad. Such a sweet gift...and possession really...I feel surrounded by death – have felt this way for a long time...I seem to have a busted filter for screening the realities of life out in that regard...I think most ppl can go about their business not thinking/obsessing over death all around them...I cannot seem to shake it. Probably doesn’t help that I am an obsessive lunatic.

Jupiter's Cock!

Oh - Pardon me...I forgot I had a blog...that about 3 people read...my apologies.
I have been excruciatingly busy with many useless things: overeating, not exercising, watching a horrible series called SPARTACUS where the use of the word "cock" is as frequent as teenagers using "like" in a conversation...it amuses me...plus the men are hot as shit...what else...oh cleaning up camouflaged cat vomit off the carpet, working, avoiding socialization, preparing for A's grad May 25/26, oh and don't let me forget...DOODLING LIKE A CRAZY MOFO. There are other things but they are lost to me right now.

As I said previously I don't feel like writing...I am in midst of a "meh" period...indifference laced with apathy...about damn near everything. Even my new phone...I just took this picture of me blogging at this very moment - uploaded it to Flickr and then posted it here...OH HOW TECHNOLOGY IS SAVING US WRETCHED HUMANS! Haaaaa! I just spent 1 hour DLing free ringtones to match up with the ppl in my contact list...some of them cracked me up so much....like the screaming 300 one THIS IS SPARTAAAA" for Guy...etc...oh I am simply amused.

Anyhow...I have a horrible face at the moment - hormonal disfigurement...add that to the fact my eye is still on fire if I wear make up hence no eye make up makes me look like I just rolled outta bed....all.day.long. Tomorrow is Friday...MUSIC DAY! WOOHOO!

Here is my rant for the day...'friends' - glorious friends who love to give advice...unsolicited advice about dealing with shit & the importance of facing your problems - while they are swilling a drink like they are a newborn on a tit...in midst of the most heinous phase of their own life, wallowing in the dregs of pure relationship dysfunction, battling numerous demons...and "I" should deal with my issues...Uh...1st off...mind your business MR/MRS KNOW IT ALL...I am 100% in touch with my issues, dysfunctions, problems, and mental handicaps...I am all over it...I watch myself partake in my bad behavior as if I was standing across the room from myself...watching myself be a total asshole and do nothing about it...just observing...aware of EVERY shitty thing about me...I am far from deluded...I am not arrogant and so self important I have tricked myself into think I am fucking special...I am no better than anyone else even if I hate them - we are all the same worm food...so really...save your advice for some other empowering moment you are trying to achieve with someone b/c I am not hopping on board...ppl with the need for constant validation fucking tire me and make me want to cut myself.

The End.

Bore-Ring

I love Fridays at work. No one sits beside me and I can play music at an audible level. I also love the cherry blossoms right now...I love how the branches hang so strained under the weight of the delicious looking blooms. When the wind blows them I am sure they will snap off...but they don’t.

I am not chatty these days...not much to say...not to say I ever have anything earth shattering to say but I usually just speak when I feel compelled to and lately I just don’t feel compelled. The impending doom of summer – while I love this spring weather – does not please me. As it turns out – despite my best efforts to keep my head above water – after graduation next month and all that goes with that I am not off the hook like I thought....looks like Ayla must get her wisdom teeth out so I may as well just buck up and do that now and it will be over with. It hasn’t been particularly pleasant for her as of late with 1 tooth giving her problems so the sooner the better...I do see a little light at the end of the tunnel though....eventually. haha

Logically I know I need to turf my land line telephone but I just can’t convince myself to do it...it seems so welfare to not have a home phone...and while I have free LD with my cell phone I hate talking on my cell phone...h.a.t.e...i.t. Perhaps when I upgrade I will feel different but cell phones are not traditionally able to be cradled in such a way that frees both your hands to do dishes etc. Anyone who has ever talked to me on the phone knows I am usually doing dishes while talking b/c then it doesn’t seem like work at all. There is always the hands free option I guess...headsets are so goofy though...I dunno...the redundancy is not lost on me...having 2 lines...maybe a cell upgrade and headset of gheyness is the key? Ugh...for as much as I feel like talking on the phone these days the whole debate in my head seems ridiculous.

Farewell to Assholes

Another rally...and such a great one too (Anti-Enbridge Pipeline Rally).  I made a vow that if anyone brought up chem trails while smoking a cigarette I was leaving (this happened at the last rally I attended for the Anti-HST Campaign)...but luckily this was a well organized event – all the speakers were decent and on topic. The turnout was great, exceeding my expectations and the signs were – as always – entertaining and to the point.

I was, however, disappointed that of all the people I know in Victoria 3 were there...one being my kid. It astounds me that an issue like this does not lure people out of their living rooms. I am about as hermit-like as one can be and really detest crowds and anything social but it wouldn’t occur to me to not go. Just saying you are going to go on Facebook or “liking” a cause does not make you a genuine eco-warrior. It pisses me off that all people seem to care about is the latest iPad...or whatever craze is the flavour of the week...while there is some serious shit going on in our province and being passive is what allows this crap to continue.

I feel as clueless and helpless as I think most people do in regards to ‘what to do’ about environmental issues and the like...and also feeling insignificant...like really...was my being at that rally going to change ANYTHING in the world yesterday? No...But collectively yes. If everyone felt it was no use and stayed home no one would have shown up...the fact that there were well over 1000 ppl at this event with signs, speaking and marching in solidarity...that IS something. I cannot articulate the collective spirit one feels at these events – it changes something inside you if you are open to it. Will it ultimately change the outcome? – I do not know but it beats the shit out of sitting at home playing with your iPad instead of standing up and loudly proclaiming a short term money grab is not a wise investment for this province with the stakes so very high. 

I am sure it is rather evident that apathy or plain old ignorance is my pet peeve of the day...I am glad – however – that I knew 3 ppl who bothered...my kid being one of them and of course the trusty Lesbos Amanda & Erin. Well played ladies.

Aside from that I kept pretty busy this weekend...hung with Alex a bit and then had a great afternoon with Kate and her 7 yr old son Ethan. He is a hoot...like his mama. We hit a few stores, had a few laughs, ate some good food...perfect day out really. I met Kate when I was a little kid. My step-dad was her dad’s BFF in the 70/80’s. Our parents would get together for visits, usually in Regina @ Kate’s house. I remember thinking her house was SO clean and everything seemed so new...her bedroom was particularly girly and perfect (I am sure she is laughing reading this) where as mine was plastered with posters and FAR from girly...I have had the odd ‘girly’ moment...I recall once being desperate to wear my mother’s heels as a teen...I would put them on and walk around the house and after about 5 mins would kick them off wondering how the hell anyone was supposed to have a life wearing the damn things. I have always felt like a total fraud while attempting girliness...which is why it is not something that ever caught on with me. I have a few theories about this but...I don’t feel like venturing such a topic when I am already feeling rather MEH.

Funniest thing alive is how my kid is about as girly as a girl can be as far as appearances go...man – if I looked like her at her age I cannot imagine the shit I would have gotten into...seriously. Yay for being awkward and plain! WOOOOHOOO!

Last night I got into a debate with a moron on FB  who I have been wanting to delete for some time now...I am not even sure why I had him added to my FB list to start with...momentary lapse of reason I suppose. Anyway - the conversation - while brief & with witnesses (CRINGE!) - was a good reminder as to why I did not talk to the twat for 10+ years. A standing pillar of evidence that some people never do change...they are what they are at the core - good or bad - and never evolve into anything beyond that. A timely delete/block on FB really is as satisfying as punching someone in the face...well almost anyway.

I am drinking tea without milk this morning...how fucking annoying...I have never drank my tea without milk in all my life...but I didn't realize there was no milk until I had already invested my favorite creamed honey into the tea so I cannot waste all the bees hard work...so I am drinking it...JEN CONKY: BEE WARRIOR.

Today is the 1st day of my personal anti nail biting campaign...I figure if I say it out loud it will help me stick to it...I WILL NOT BITE MY NAILS GAWD DAMMIT...OCD BE GONE! I have done it before for years at a time...so I just need to get myself past the 1st stage...once they grow and are symmetrical I am far less likely to mess with them.

Personal struggles of even the smallest nature are a consuming deed.

HOOVERNESS

This is how my vacuum looks at someone else's house...someone with a fireplace and nice flooring. haha

GOT ME A HOOVER!

The weather is gorgeous. The sun is shining and it is hot...if the wind dies down for a few moments to let the heat penetrate your skin. The cool wind makes this the best kind of day for me...sunny and cool. A delicate balance of perfection.

I have made myself a list for each of the 5 days off I have this week - to ensure I stay busy and don't forget things I want to do. I am a total scatterbrain these days - forgetting simple things I never needed to remind myself about before.

One of the MAJOR tasks I have to do this weekend is transfer home videos to my PC...I started yesterday and have got through 3 tapes so far...I have about 12 sitting here to go through. Due to the amount of space it takes to store the transferred video to digital I am having to be selective which is very time consuming b/c it means I have to go through it all and pick parts to transfer as I go...tedious but at the same time fun b/c I have forgotten so much it is a pleasant surprise to revisit things. I had NO idea I made so many recordings of A. starting at about 10 mths old. It is heartwarming to watch her booting around at 9-10 mths old - far too small to be walking yet...there she was - walking. Cutest thing I have ever seen - yes she was/is...
All the xmas video is hilarious...the conversations we had...she amazing ability to pretend to like something she got for xmas...her funny commentary...her sarcasm...her genuine innocence...so nice to watch all of it. The hilarity is so completely unhinged I cannot even believe it...having forgot it all it entertains me even more to hear my own reactions on tape...busting a gut laughing at something she said or did...

I have also made a vow to myself to thin out the "collections" I have at the moment...so far I have a laundry basket full just off of one living room shelf...the Jesus collection especially...it is time to thin that out considerably. Needless to say my house looks like a bomb just went off.

My vacuum died last weekend. I have a special relationship with my vacuums...I love to vacuum...seriously. I like vacuums with some weight, I like wielding that tank around the carpet making it look pristine and new...this usually means you spending at least 200.00 on a vacuum which is a fine investment in my eyes b/c I get so much joy from it (wtf - I know...?) but really...like I have 200.00 to spend on shit all right now...this is the time I always dreaded...the child tax credit is gonzo now that A. is 18 and the child support as well (though I have it in the works for it to carry on til the end of June but I haven't heard anything about the extension going through for 2 mths) so I am down 380.00 per month and my expenses haven't changed. Such is life...thankfully my income tax credit will cover Grad...then...the morph shall begin...A. working full time means she takes over her cell bill and yoga bill, pays a little rent each payday and all that other grown up stuff I am sure will shock the shit out of her like bus passes etc. Life is not cheap...even when you live it on the cheap.

Anyhow...(ramble much?)...I got a vacuum today...Lisa said if I hated it she would buy it off me on payday since she needs one too - what a GREAT DEAL! I can try it out and see if I like it...I get it home...start assembling it....NATURALLY there are fucking parts missing...why on earth would I assume something so simple would just be SIMPLE? Ugh. Annoying. Hopefully Hoover will be on top of it and send me the shit without a lot of drama. It is usable though so I tried it out and like it well enough....I am sad the cord is only 27 feet rather than my 33 foot one I am used to...and I got a vacuum where it winds into it self...handy...until of course it breaks and then you have this cord that won't rewind and there's nowhere to hang it on the machine...HA! Trying not to think that far ahead. We will see how I feel about having a bag less vacuum after I have to clean it the 1st time.

Tomorrow is dinner at Tracey's for A. and I...should be fun with Lani & the girls there...they are always entertaining. Tracey is also a fantastic cook so whatever dinner is it will be great. Looking fwd to it.

Maggie bought tickets to the July 13th Tragically Hip/Sam Roberts outdoor show in Victoria...I AM EXCITED to hang with my peeps (Pam, Jim, Mags Sid & A.) for such a fun time...sure to be a kick-ass show...it starts at 4 pm so even if it is hot and nasty it won't be so bad...(always thinking ahead!)

I ditched the Victoria House Concert where Ryan played on Wed. I was far far far too cranky...naturally I regret it but the thought of socializing was worse than being murdered.

Mexican Gut Rot

Ohhhh the price some pay for fun...Ms Travel Grrl is sick...so very gross sick...figure we will give it til the end of Sat. and if there is no improvement it is Dr time...she went to a dress fitting today and was worried it was gunna turn into a scene from Bridesmaids...ha ha ha That made me laugh when she said it. Ugh...I know this is fairly common and all that but the thought of parasites and such grosses me out...also I have known ppl who came back from places and have been sick for MONTHS....that is not a nice prospect for her or I.

The Sprog is also suffering from cabin fever and has transferred her sickness bed out to the couch...for the benefit of TV and a general change of scenery. I am being neurotic to not touch anything she has touched. hahahahaaaaaaaaa...

All I can say is I am relieved it is the weekend b/c I need some damn sleep! Even if I only sleep in til 7 am - the fact I don't wake up to an alarm or have to rush to leave the house is friggin awesome!

I have just discovered PORK LOINS...dunno whether you have noticed or not but the price of chicken is a little steep these days so I ventured into the land of pork (that sounds funny)...purchased my 1st pork loin...smothered it in BBQ sauce and garlic for 12 hrs and roasted it......SO GOOD. That is what my life has become...getting excited over PORK LOIN.

I wonder if Mexicans come to Canada if they get sick like Canadians do when they visit Mexico...?? Anyone?

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All I wanna do is doodle...

I would love to get paid to doodle. Envelopes...all day...so I could afford the best fine tip sharpie markers...in order to doodle more.

It is a Friday night at Jenny's house...I am in a weird mood...I called Miss A and spoke to Lauren...Miss A is out and Lauren stayed in b/c she burned the tops of her feet and she can't walk. Ouch. Miss A got fried too apparently...one day closer to skin cancer...:\
Lauren was giving me the low down about the resort...the mediocre food...lame eateries...clearly the place is only about the free booze and parties...and party they have.

Big sad hugs to Michelle B. Her father died this week...a very complicated situation which I am sure will only get more complicated...the impending doom of this loss was bad enough for her I am sure...the reality is sure to be worse for a while. xo

Dead tired.......................................................::THUMP::

Thank u Mexican Jesus

Where A. is...only covered with obnoxious party-goers

I called A. tonight...she has messaged me the last few days on FB...she cannot manage to figure out how to use the phones there...the phone system being as sketchy as it is I am not shocked but it was not something I predicted obviously...or I would have sat her down and schooled her on it.

Sun & Mon not hearing a word from her was bad incredibly.mind.fucking. I know I am extremely neurotic and I recognize that I am overly spastic about her safety...I worry in an extreme way that makes me ill. I will not bore you with the inner workings of my obsessive mind...it is a dark, twisted path no one should take. So during these 2 days naturally I am beside myself...and am thinking that she is LIKELY fine...but the fact she blatantly hasn't called even though we agreed to a certain calling pattern to keep me calm/not ruin her life in Mexico - it made me so incredibly sad b/c I knew it would change things between us and not for the good. To me it was the ultimate slaying betrayal and breach of trust...I was gutted by the what ifs and more gutted by the sad prospect that she really did not care beyond her own little sphere.

On Tuesday I was back to work and sick over not hearing a damn word...I knew they landed fine through another kids mom but that's all I knew...I am at work and considering going home b/c being around ppl was proving to be too much for this unstable ninny...then at 11 am my cell phone does this weird half ring thing...then stops...I look...ITS A MEXICAN NUMBER. For a split second I thought "Yay she is trying to call home!" but then I soon shifted into retard mode and was imagining her kidnapped...or dead and someone was trying to let me know....I could feel to vomit moving up up up...I was on the verge of a stroke/puking for the next few hours... then I got a FB msg via Lisa's acct THANK GAWD that she was fine and they just couldn't figure out how to call b/c the hotel was out of calling cards and all the shit there was weird and complicated...I was so happy. I don't get HAPPY often but man I was HAPPY. I was horrified about the prospect of never seeing her again and was thinking how extra sad it would be that I wouldn't ever get to know her...the person she is and the person she will grow into being...massive fucking cheat...then I would think about Tere and how Taylor's death has affected her...she won't get to see him fall in love, have children...grow into a man...the loss is incapacitating...(You can see how my brain works a little now huh? Bad shit happens...and I am not immune thus not able to pretend I am not eligible for the horrors life has to offer up on a regular basis)...

Anyway....back on track here...I called her tonight at her hotel...had a chat with her b/c they tried calling and it was not happening...her voice was hoarse from all the drunken clubbing and screaming the night before...she was happy...so happy...said it was the most fun ever...told me about what she had been doing, how tanned she is (haha jerk), the sailboat day trip tomorrow, etc. She was doing great. She said the hotel was crappy though...their toilet didn't work yesterday so they were peeing in the bath tub and screaminggggggg "I AM PEEING IN THE BATH TUB!!!!!!" hahahaha I had read a few things about ppl saying the hotel was not that  shit hot but A. didn't seem to mind b/c the rest was fantastic.

Needless to say the rest of the week is going MUCH better than the beginning.

Never...

...ever watch "The Lovely Bones" movie the day your kid leaves on her trip to Cancun.

She did manage to get to the airport and such and board...I have yet to hear from her though...from the resort...mind you I predicted she would be a complete inconsiderate a-hole despite promising me she would call me once a day. She may think she gets a week of freedom from my clutches of maternal death but she will pay for years and years to come for this betrayal...ohhh this mother is not going to forget.

The weather is nice there...the plane did not crash so...I am sure all is well and good.

Season finale of The Walking Dead was intense....fugggggg! I won't say more in case someone is waiting to watch it til later.

I am so dry...it's like my skin has been stripped of all moisture...wtf is that about...? I am an OCD lotion addict at the moment...which is counter productive 4 the most part...but the only thing I can manage...I think tonight I will smother myself in greasy weird Nivea cream and go to bed...maybe I will sleep in A's bed all greased up with Nivea as 1 small form of revenge.

Tomorrow I am hanging with Kate and starting a project that will ultimately be for A's room...it will keep me busy...all week.
AT LEAST I FINALLY HAVE MY MP3 PLAYER BACK....sweet jesus I was about to go mad. Now I can be alone in public again.

I have a urgent stress headache right now...sometimes I wish I still drank.

How special...

I want to kill everyone.

Awesome.

Nutella...for the love of gawd!

When did I blather on last...? I don’t even know...3-4 days til Cancun...Sprog has made it very clear that my need for preparedness is ‘anal’ and I should relax b/c her and her friends are not idiots and will deal with whether or not they have enough change for the bus in Vancouver, etc. I guess not being easily flustered allows for some of these incidental things to go willy nilly whatever-like. Truthfully, the reason I am overly prepared about things and think 45 steps ahead is b/c I don’t care to deal with surprises and annoying shit like being at the bus and realizing I have no gawd damn change...thinking back 20 some years I did not have the same level of attention to detail...and it would not occur to me to get a map of an airport prior to flying somewhere so I knew exactly where my ticket booth was. I need to keep reminding myself that her brain and my brain do not work the same...as we have different temperaments and priorities. Ayla’s priority currently above all else is to sell as much crap as she can so she has enough to buy a certain bikini she must wear in Cancun or she will surely perish...whereas my priority is for her to come home safely after a fab time and not be killed and become yet another CBC news article about the dangers of Mexico travel. We are on totally different planets...as usual.

Oh wait her other major priority in life is Nutella...she called me at 11:14pm last night to inform me it was IMPERITIVE I get her some Nutella b/c we are out and she might die without it this week. I did find this very amusing...only b/c I was in bed and reading and not asleep when she made the emergency call. Ha!

The family is in Vegas right now...Aunty Pam, Uncle Jim and cousin Mags/Kel and all their spouses and kids...Nascar in Vegas extravaganza! Kelly posted a few pics on FB and Jim looked in his glory all helmeted up and appearing to be going for a race car ride. Looking fwd to the stories and more pictures for sure. I am not much of a gambler but I would like to go to Vegas and go see the Pawn Stars pawn shop hahahahaha and other things as well...doesn’t look like there is a shortage of stuff to do there.

I wish Rick Mercer was the PM of Canada...actually I almost wish ANYONE ELSE was the PM of Canada right now. That is all I have to say on that...

I am still waiting for my Criminal Record Check to come back so I can start volunteering at the Transition House. Tracey found out when she had her recent one done that there is someone with her exact name, eye color, birthday and hair color out there who has a criminal record...! EEK! Hers came back with SOMETHING on it and she was surprised seeing as it should have been clear so she had to go sort it out and almost had to start showing tattoos and body parts to have it verified...so if you are ever arrested and have no ID on you the thing to do is use the name and info of someone you hate so this will happen to them haha

Ughhh

I have been lucky...I haven't had neighbors below me in a year and when I did she was a little old lady, never heard her once and the room below me was her spare room. I haven't had ppl above me in about 5-6 mths...before that I didn't really hear them except for the walking around b/c this is an old wood bldg...I have ppl below me now...I know them and they are nice folk, not a-holes or anything...I can hear them talking...you know that low murmur talking (male voices...can't really head female voices)...it is extremely annoying...as is hearing someones TV...just that constant murmur. Fuck I hate it. I sure hope today they have company b/c if they talk to themselves at this volume level all the time it is going to suck for me. haha The suite above me is being reno'd for my landlady (her son & daughter in law live below me) - she is quite quiet and is usually alone and won't talk much I suspect. I have no issue with regular apt. noise...it is to be expected...and I am sure I will get used to it again...but man - as I get older - this sort of thing SURE irritates me. Yay for getting old and cranky...woohoo. Just wait though....they are expecting a baby and the baby's bedroom is below mine....oooooooo that should be awesome...

I am watching The Walking Dead solo this week...the lesbos are ill. Then I think I will read and go to bed...oh wait I have to change the littler box...I am awesome! My house is clean and I don't want to do anything to mess it up ffs...

Crap I wish I would hurry up and get my new working MP3 player in the mail b/c I am friggin DIEING here...if it comes and has the same issues I am gunna shit the bed...I will just buy a friggin new one b/c I am not waiting around for another replacement...At 1st I was ok with just riding the bus without but the more I do the more I realize I am not interested in inane bus conversations by stupid kids or schizophrenics having auditory hallucinations. No thanks...Gimme my tunes please.

I wonder if they can hear my TV and/or downstairs...? Lucky for them I don't talk to myself or I am sure that would be irritating for them. ha! I bet these zombie noises and screaming is fun to hear through a floor. Oh apartment living...next bldg - CONCRETE!!! Or (waterproof/ heated/ electricity/ plumbing/ by a bus stop) a teepee.

Musing on a Saturday

It is freezing in here...the wind is blowing through the patio door...

Spoke with Tere last night...its been a while...our daily talks have slowed due to her uncle dieing and her having to arrange his funeral and take care of his affairs on Pender Island. She is also 'officially' with Kevin now who has moved into the city so she has someone to occupy her mind and time more which is a good thing. She told me last night that the coroner report finally came in - 5 mths after Taylor's death - saying that his alcohol level was over the legal limit and the antidepressants he started taking were within the therapeutic range. What does this mean? Well...your guess is as good as any one's really...it doesn't solidify anything except it is likely that Taylor was up drinking all night which leads Tere to imagine he was sad and crying and this absolutely guts her beyond words...she has no idea how he got booze since he had been at her place that same evening looking to bum 10 bucks for smokes....which he never came back for. Personally -  I think booze and antidepressants are a deathly cocktail for a lot of people...add gun ownership into the mix and it is a recipe for disaster. I can honestly say throughout my life at some of the very very bad times if a gun was readily available to me I have no idea if I would still be here...it makes it easy to make an irrational, lethal decision. My brother had nothing in his system...he was not altered at all in his decision (aside from the obvious depression)...I am not sure whats worse...losing someone this way hen they were out of their mind and altered....or knowing they were methodical and deliberate in their actions. Either way...it all fucking sucks the grossest of ass and comfort/resolution is rarely provided by these reports.

Last night I watched a movie called FISH TANK...it was odd but I couldn't stop watching it...I wanted to b/c I have had my fill of bitchy teenagers and this movie had a bitchy BRITISH teenager...though I will say her mother was horrifying in the maternal dept so she came by it legitimately.

Today I think I need to rearrange my bedroom....it's not working for me...and the bike to nowhere may be coming out in the living room...and can be used as an additional seat when company comes over. HA! This will take up my whole day...and warm me up.

Zippity Doo Dah!

I am happy to report Aunty Cathy for high-speed internet for the 1st time in her life...Fuck you to dial-up forever MUAHAHAHHAHA!! I am pretty happy for her as I know dial-up was the bane of her existence. Having used it recently it is a bloody miracle she was online AT ALL...it is maddening.

FINALLY got the info for A's trip to Cancun...bloody hell they were not very nice about keeping in mind all these kids have to travel from a gawd damn island by ferry or place to get to the Vancouver Airport...Grrrrr. It will entail 2 hotel stays...one the night before they leave (their flight is @ 10:15 am) and one the night they return (they come in at just before midnight ffs...)...I have made a few calls...2 are in a perfect location with free shuttle service and the kids can walk from the bus loop. Pretty ideal all things considered.
I cannot wait for Cancun & Grad to be done...I will feel like I won the damn lottery after that.

So damn cold right now for us wussy west coasters...had to turn the heat up tonight....Brrrrr - I have been enjoying the stormy wind though this week...though it is nothing like the US Midwest has been seeing obviously...that is NOT fun wind.

Not gunna lie...I am sitting back here watching all this corrupt federal election info come out and it is horrifying but somehow satisfying to know that the Conservatives have now been outted as the slippery, low life party that they are. I really really hope some serious shit goes down b/c this truly sounds like corruption that goes on in OTHER places - not Canada.

Been mulling over some stuff lately...whilst mulling over some stuff I had a most interesting conversation with the delightful and always reliable Tracey and during out mulling together she said something that was really useful and made me introspective...I fucking LOVE it when another persons casual observation about my behavior spurs an epiphany in me....and after it seems so OBVIOUS I don't know how I missed it all these years. It is like the time I realized I actually have TERRIBLE coping skills...I seriously thought prior to this little epiphany that I was fantastic at dealing with stress and had all sorts of awesome coping skills based on the fact I have never actually killed anyone (ha!)...once I started breaking it down and seeing how stress affects me and what I do to comfort myself in times of stress it became pretty damn clear I do NOT deal with stress well at all and my coping skills do not serve me well.

It is moments like this that make you really appreciate good friends...reliable, trusted good friends who possess enough depth  and care to bother 'observing' you and are able to share it without it making you feel at all bad about it...the truth is I am a delicate flower...it's true hahah

A's grad pics are lovely...I have sent them all out and even though the total cost was HALF A MONTHS RENT it is what it is and wHATEver! They are loverly and I am looking fwd to the 11x18 shrine portrait of A. that will get put up in my living room haha

ok I am not too tired to type....