Reward

This week has been a complete whirlwind of intense emotion and excitement. Chris (you remember, my 1989 make out guy...? He lives in China with his wife and we have had a grand time getting reacquainted in the last month or so) had disclosed he was adopted a few weeks back...mentioned being unable to locate his birth parents for 20+ years even with professional help...he had a few details so I got looking but had no luck...as it turned out he had his details a bit mixed up so once he got the updated info I got to work. I am a bit resourceful in the department of finding things out...especially things that are none of my beeswax. Truth is, I love skip tracing and research and that is why I always did so well at Money Mart with collections..I didn't like calling ppl with no money to ask them for money they didn't have but I loved the process of tracking someone down.

...not gunna lie...I REALLY wanted to find his mom...not just for the ego boost to be the one who did it either...I REALLY wanted to find her for Chris, he watched his other adopted siblings find their birth parents with hardly any effort and he hadn't had leads at all...I was pretty determined...with that being said, on Monday night I poked around online looking up Blaine Lake, SK where his mom Valerie Jean McDonald was from, I had her b'day as well...and knew she was a nurse...being from such a small town proved to be helpful...population 500...smaller haystack. I happened to stumble upon this website that had a book compiled by local historians and residents...I knew I hit the jackpot b/c my Aunty Cathy bought one for me from the Bow River area of Alberta where my grandfather was raised and it is fantastic...so much information on families and local businesses etc. To my surprise this Blaine Lake version (done in 1982 or so) was scanned and available online for anyone to view. I was VIBRATING...I had a very good feeling about it.

Once I figured out how to navigate the site I went directly to the McDonald families...there were a few and then the last one instantly made me feel "electric"...especially the photo...there was a photo of Mr & Mrs McDonald with their 3 daughters...I scanned for Valerie but no Valerie....but this picture...the blonde daughter (quite pretty)...she had Chris's eyes.....by this point I am thinking I might be a little paranoid...wishful thinking you know...the blonde daughter was named Jeanne...hmmmm Valerie Jean...Jeanne...hmmmm...I carried on...read some more about her life...how she was a nurse (ding ding ding), loved music and traveled the world singing -  settled in California and had 3 children...I poked around a little more...always drawn back to that family...but decided to try the next night with a fresh head...went to bed...and thought about it a lot before falling asleep...

The next morning I wake up...check email and there is an email from Chris with some additional info....I near shit. He had been in touch with the adoption registry ppl and got some info...that his birth mom loved music...her father was a mechanic...she was very pretty etc...WELL SHIT...in that online book Mr McDonald had owned a garage...and the 3 daughters all studied music.... (all hair standing up on my head at that point)...I go back to the book...reread it....and see that her husbands name was listed in it...I am still perplexed by the VALERIE JEAN/JEANNE name...I had contemplated a clerical error with the name Chris was given - as I know from talking with Aunty Cathy about her genealogy research that is common and can really throw you off.

I googled the name of the husband she married in California and SURE AS SHIT it says his wife's name is Valerie Jeanne McDonald. BINGO. I guess her family called her by her middle name Jeanne and the info Chris was given was her legal name with the middle name misspelled....OMFG. There she was...right there. Chris's birth mom....unfortunately...I could also see that she had passed away in 1997 which was a total drag. Heartbreaking really.

I started sending all my info to Chris...I was seriously losing my mind...and at the same time I am googling the shit out of the info I have and discover he has 3 - possibly 4 other siblings...one of whom I emailed to confirm she was the daughter of Valerie....so while I am firing off all this info - I am clearly not gunna get to work on time so I called in said I would be in at noon and take a half day of vacation...no biggy...onward I go...I hadn't gotten a reply back from Chris so I was a little concerned he was at home reading it losing his shit...so I called him...in China...(2 cents a min kicks ass) - he had been out and was just reading the emails...
the whole phone call was a flurry of unbelievable babbling...while on the phone I heard back from the one sibling who confirmed she was the daughter of Valerie....so Chris asked me to write her - so I compiled an email of all the info I had and how I came across the results...and introduced her to her "big brother Chris"....afterwards I found all his siblings on FB...and multiple cousins, aunts, uncles etc...total craziness....

Chris's sibling was blindsided...had no idea her mother had any other children....it took her a few days to get her thoughts in order and her and Chris have started talking and getting acquainted and he is getting all sorts of information...turns out his moms parents and sisters did know about the pregnancy...and one of his aunts did attempt to look for him at some point in the 90's with no luck....so basically Chris's whole world has just been shoved in a snow-globe and had the shit shaken out of it...in the best of ways...

It has been absolutely fantastic to be a part of it all...and I cannot help but think this is the reason we reconnected....I have looked for him before over the years to no avail until recently...and now a month later all this other amazing stuff unfolds for him...it is truly humbling and fantastic to give that to someone...I bet it is like how a person feels when they donate one of their kidneys to someone...except without the surgery hahaha SO FUGGING AWESOME. I am super stoked for him and glad he has the opportunity to fill in a bit of that hole in himself.

In the mean time....I am looking for his birth father...

Low Tech

Upon hearing the announcement that Journey, Night Ranger and Loverboy coming to Victoria in December I was thinking about how I would play the ever-loving shit out of all my records as a kid...like...not just a lot...a shit ton. Factor in that I was usually ALWAYS grounded to my bedroom - it was pretty serious obsessive behavior...now had my folks really wanted to break me all they would have had to do was take away my record player or records...mind you that would have been a terrible parenting choice b/c then I would have had to stab them in their sleep or burn the house down. I was ruled by rage and stupidity as a kid...Connie and I plotted the death of a few people...we didn't make maps or sketches of the plan but we had thought about it to the degree where it is kinda creepy...example: body disposal. We considered waiting for it to be just before a freeze so we could dump the said victim in the river and then the body would be frozen all winter and not be found until it thawed - destroying most of the evidence. (Did all the hairs just stand up on the back of your neck? Good.) Luckily...even at my worst I am rather sensible to a degree so you know...we never killed anyone.

I just saw a photo of my biological father on Facebook (his daughter Sara posted one of the 2 of them)...he is in his 60's now...I detect NO resemblance whatsoever. None. Do you see any? I know I kinda look like my mom ppl say but I can't see that either so I think maybe I just can't make that sort of connection. (A. just looked and sees it but I still don't)

Sara (half sister) & Gord (bio-father)

Moi

Mom

Pretty trippy...funny how in time none of that really matters at all...I truly couldn't give less of a shit about it. The damage is done and long gone...it is not just a novelty of searching faces in photos for a glimmer of recognition...going through loser dad stuff with A. has lead me to where I am with my own stuff...I look at A. and her life and can see plain as day that it does not need to have any grand hold over her future. It is what it is...and fuck it - carry on and live your life. I have spent far too much of my life pissed off about other peoples behavior or lack of behavior - what a waste of time and energy that should have gone into dealing with my own behavior and life.
Of course telling someone in the thick of it is generally not much good.

UPDATE 2023: in 2017 via Ancestry DNA I found out that guy was not my dad after all...hahahhaha and I actually look like my real dad a bit...FORESHADOWING POST!

Nerd Night @ Jen's Place

I am tormenting the cat whilst listening to terrible 80's music...while all that fantastical shit is going on I am making tortilla soup in the crock pot so Doris and I can dine on it before we go see Bill Maher at the Royal Theatre...cannot wait to have jalapeno heartburn all through Bill Maher's show. ha! YEAH!

I must be sure to bring BUTTER to the Royal Theatre tomorrow night b/c I am sure to need it to fit into those small seats made for tiny Japanese people...good times...it will be a hoot though...cannot go wrong with 2 hrs of Bill Maher talking your ear off.

I really lucked out and Donna in Nanoose Bay is driving down Sunday afternoon for a visit...I am excited...we never get to visit just the 2 of us (sorry Guy)...so that will be a lovely way to finish off this short shitty 2 day weekend.

A. got the job at Aldo...perfect...she loves shoes. Am hoping in the fall she will get a plan in order and focus on making it happen...(SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE # 8759684796879564: school school school)...

Ok I am suddenly very tired...I must retire to my boudoir to read my smutty bedtime novel.

Adoption Search

I am posting this in hopes it will eventually lead someone to my friend Chris.
I have had many occasions where people have Googled a name and been lead to this blog - so I am hoping the same will happen for Chris.

Christopher Bellman was adopted as a baby from an Edmonton orphanage.
Chris was born September 22, 1963 in Edmonton, Alberta.
Chris's birth name: GUY SCOTT MCDONALD 

Birth Mother's name: VALERIE JEAN/JEANNE MCDONALD (born July 4, 1941, she was born in Blaine Lake, Saskatchewan and was a nurse apparently)

Birth Father's name: JEREMIE (JEREMY? GERALD? GERRY?) GRANT SCOTT (born September 11, 1940, in Vancouver, BC - he was a pharmacist apparently)

Chris has had NO luck searching for his birth parents since the 90's. He is on the "adoption registries" provincially and federally. Nothing. Heartbreaking really...extensive searching (professional and otherwise) has turned up nothing over the years.

Seeing that JEREMIE GRANT SCOTT would have been 22 when Chris was born I would assume VALERIE JEAN MCDONALD was just new to the nursing profession. These birth parents would be in their 70's now, may not even still be alive but Chris may have siblings out there looking with limited info...will update as more detailed info is gathered.

Contact Chris at: christopherbellman AT hotmail DOT com 

(Last Update:  July 17 2012) Both parents/siblings located...mother passed unfortunately, father in White Rock BC...

still.kills.me.....

saw some dong this weekend...

Pretty fun weekend...so much laughing...gawd you forget how fun your family is until they are around. Everyone's beating the door down to the bathroom to avoid peeing their pants laughing so hard. Pam almost rocketing a Wii remote through the TV was a highlight...Pam & Maggie shop until they drop but the thing is they never drop...they are immortal vampire-like shoppers while I am not in love with shopping...very mortal and generally avoid shopping whenever I can...their fun company though is what keeps it tolerable...the quesadilla maker they bought us has not rendered my boob wounded though so this is good. I have eaten quesadillas every day since they left...no injury...which is good b/c the waffle steam burn is really ugly now...no pain just a scabby piece o' titty bacon. Single IT IS fellas...single it is.

Saturday nights venture into Big John Bates land was...well...inferior to past ventures. The venue – Soprano's – sucks the balls of monkeys, donkeys and llamas. Soprano's is a douche bag bar and the problem with events such as these is the douche bag crowd is still there when a cool act is booked so it is a drag to have to be in the presence of such douchebaggery when you are going to see someone great play. When BJB plays Lucky Bar the vibe is TOTALLY different b/c the douche bag element is removed entirely...plus the stage is set up so that the band is showcased...at Soprano's – not blocked out by the retarded drunks flailing up front. Even Logan's would have been better...ugh – I hate you Soprano's. I bought a few cds that I have been dying to own though so I am now able to get my BJB fix...it appears the Voodoo Dollz portion of the show is done now though which is too bad as I quite enjoy that but the new sound on the new EP I picked up with Brandy Bones doing more vocals is pretty hot shit. While perusing the internet for BJB info I read he was the original singer for that Canadian mental band Annihilator...omfg I howled at that...I checked out an old pic of him from the time and that was amusing...as are most 80s/90s metal personas. I like where he went with his career...he has seen the world doing what he loves...cannot get much better than that.

We have a new fridge at work...it has a freezer. This will FOR CERTAIN change my life...ICE WATER at work...ice cold gel packs to combat the heat...freezies...I can bring in frozen stuff I make at home to eat for lunch at work without the bother of doing it daily...omg SO AWESOME...it is the small stuff in life that keeps me jolly.

MAGIC MIKE: Horny Lisa & I went to see it... and really it was not as useless and cheesie as I expected...The visual effects (haha) were fantastic – I mean really...what is better than a buncha hot guys who can dance gyrating around without the horror of having to see their penis? I have always preferred female strippers...mainly b/c having to see the goofy appendage of male strippers ruins the whole fun of it in my opinion...they should keep their junk covered at all times. It was a decent movie though – will it change your life – NOPE...but it isn't gawd awful either...and if you like hot guys dancing around – you will not be disappointed.

I saw more wiener in the movie WANDERLUST which I watched last night via the nudist in the movie was exposed a lot...so his dong is forever etched into the bowels of my mind...in fact the scene where the group of nudists run away from a careening vehicle is completely horrifying....be warned. I will say though that the scene where Paul Rudd is looking in the bathroom mirror trying to pump himself up to sleep with the resident hottie...I DIED...I was DYING...I laughed so hard...hysterically could not stop watching him go on and on saying the stupidest shit on earth in the most stupid ways...that scene...jfc...slayed me. Not sure if it will make anyone else on earth laugh like I did but....what else is new?! http://youtu.be/K-Cjn7JMqgE I just watched 4 seconds of it and had to turn it off b/c I was starting to laugh so hard....

Judgey McJudgersons

It is a weird moment when you have one of those flashes in your mind that everything you are as a person (self perception) is perceived by others as completely false/different and stereotypically shallow (aka: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MEEEEEE!!! ::sob::). Not the people who know you directly necessarily (though I am sure family and friends perceptions of me do not mirror my own)...but imagine yourself put in a room with a light shining on you for strangers to stop and look and write down what they think of you and slip the paper into a ballot type box....it sounds like a shitty reality TV show – oh wait - there is a reality TV show that is kind of like that but it focuses on people sense of fashion and clothing. (Admittedly- I have ZERO fashion sense or interest in fashion for that matter and make it a point to avoid ever wearing anything that has a brand on it - I would be a sitting duck of ridicule on a show like that...)

I am generally unconcerned with how I am perceived by ppl I do not give a shit about - that is honest/no bullshit. Though I was recently made aware of how I feel about someone questioning how I feel about my family...that was an interesting little self-observation, watching how I reacted to someone implying family disloyalty. I can honestly say I haven't been so enraged in quite some time...and while I understand it was a useless out-of-context kerfluffle and an obvious oops it made my blood boil to be accused of such a faux pas. Upon rethinking it over and over and over again it occurred to me I need to work on that little thing inside of me that feels so indignant when anyone calls to question things of great importance to me...b/c really...who cares? I cannot be accused of EVER suffering from the awesome trait of being "logical first - reactive later"...I am a react 1st - be logical after the fact kind of person (if I am lucky)...which is kind of a left over thing from when I was 15...though I do not punch ppl in the face anymore so YAY for PROGRESS!

I guess that moment (back to the 1st paragraph) is more about how we feel about our own accomplishments or lack thereof. When you are talking to someone you haven't for a long time and giving them the rundown of your life...it makes you wonder and question wtf you have been doing for 20+ years...reliving the trials and tribulations, taking a closer look at how you could have done things a little differently...oh hindsight...such a rotten bunghole it can be. Mind you....all things considered – the last 20 yrs have been a gargantuan challenge but at the same time an accomplishment...without a doubt it could have been easier under different circumstances but it also could have been much more difficult under those same circumstances so all in all...it worked out well. Not like you can go back and have do-overs....OH IF I COULD the 1st do-over would be the sperm choosing...my girl deserves a much better donor than she got and for that I will be eternally sorry...interestingly I would pick a different donor for myself as well...I love the do-over game....I would also pick better hair, faster metabolism, athletic abilities, a happier brain, no tourettes (hahaha), a more reasonable nature, etc...

ANYHOW....back to reality...my waffle iron steam boob burn is like a miracle...its red and looks like it should hurt but it doesn't at all...it's like the waffle steam just obliterated all the pain receptors and nerve cells...not that I am complaining...I am sure that will come later when the titty bacon peels off exposing raw skin and I will then inflict you all with heinous details.

Recently, I told Chris the places I have lived in my life: Moose Jaw Sk - Regina SK - Shaunavon SK – Swan Hills AB - Rainbow Lake AB - Wainwright AB - Ponoka AB - Red Deer AB - Lacombe AB - Powell River BC - Prince George BC - Vancouver BC - Port Moody BC - Coquitlam BC - Lake Louise AB etc etc his response was the best quote EVER:

"…read like a horror show of boredom, dullness and strength sapping surroundathon of dumb hick people…"

Bahahahahaaaaa...omg...I so laughed.

cutest thing ever

A non-English speaking Asian family just came to my door to pick up a free spoon rack I was giving away (it was something Tracey was getting rid of that did not sell so it went online as a free giveaway thing) and insisted I take this bag in trade - this transpired in gestures and smiles due to them not speaking English of course...I accept it and say thank you and when I look its a 6 pack of A&W Root Beer...hahahaha That is the cutest thing EVER...what the hell! ahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Pretty sure the next lady to show up to take the hideous collector plates and rack will not be near as exciting. (UPDATE: the bag never showed)

On the flip side...my uterus is waging war on me right now...if you have ever wondered what it feels like to have a small sharp clawed creature living inside of you that once a month gets incredibly ornery and vicious, trying to claw its way to daylight well -  let me tell you about it...it is not fucking cool...the most uncool part is I have at least 10+ yrs of this shit yet and every year it gets worse to the point that severe menopause is something I am looking fwd to...I won't gross you out with the gory details - just know that if I am EVER arrested for murder check the calendar b/c I guarantee if I didn't do it to save myself or my daughter I did it b/c I was suffering from menstrual psychosis.

I am checking out Jeff Buckley at the moment...another dead musician I am sure to find affection for...

....there is something about what I have listened to so far that is drawing me in...not bashing me over the head to get my attention...just drawing me in....so onward I shall explore the small collection of music Jeff Buckley left us in the wake of his accidental drowning....I feel like Aunty Pam would like him (take note Aunty Pam)...

Company this weekend...Pam and Maggie are coming to town...Pam's tattoo is getting finished (hopefully?) and us 3 gals have tickets to go see BIG JOHN BATES Sat. night...I am stoked for that..I love him! Rockabilly awesomeness...too bad it is at Soprano's though - fack I hate that place. But it is going to be fun...Donna will be joining us too...

Waffle War

Me & the waffle maker are at odds...I think it hates me. I nearly steamed my nipple off today leaning to get a plate from the cupboard...I got that pup under cold water fast enough to save myself from serious peril as it turns out but the waffle makers intent is obvious...the war is on....that waffle maker will soon become my bitch and make me perfect wafflers EVERY TIME without any injury or drama....I am going to make waffles every Sunday until I win.

Today I went on a wander walk...in the sun...got sweaty and gross but managed to visit both Lisa and Esther before making it to my movie downtown...saw lots of cool street art as I tromped around Fernwood...
Before seeing my movie I stopped in @ Lyle's (record store) and found HIGH & DRY (Def Leppard) on vinyl for 2.49...wooohoo...then hit the theatre and saw the greatest little movie I have seen in a while...genuinely fantastic...great acting...creative and not all Hollywood lame... MOONRISE KINGDOM.

SO great....was a great way to finish off an already nice afternoon.
Back to work tomorrow. Boo!

Asylum Tattoos, Victoria, BC

Asylum Tattoos, Victoria, BC, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

THE WINCE....

A. & Randy - Asylum Tattoos, Victoria, BC

A. & Randy - Asylum Tattoos, Victoria, BC, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Ayla & all her friends adored Randy b/c he was not a creepy gross man...

A. & Randy - Asylum Tattoos, Victoria, BC

A. * Randy - Asylum Tattoos, Victoria, BC, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

super chill....

June 21 2012 001

June 21 2012 001, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

She went for it....

The Meat Whisperer

Both my work and home PC keyboards are absolutely revolting....I periodically turn them upside-down and get loose crumbs out but really....the things are covered in dust, grime and grossness...It is a wonder I have not died from some grossness infection...keyboard herpes or something. I do try and clean it...canned air and wiping but you just can't get in the crevices...I wonder if there is a little tool someone invented to fit between keys for cleaning....something better than a Q-Tip...?

Ooo OOooo oo I think my mom send me some of this: http://keyboardcleaner.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/cyberclean-keyboard-cleaners.jpg

Must investigate later! A long paint brush might be helpful as well...

 

Being back to work on Tuesdays after 3 days off is a soul crushing experience...not b/c its terrible here...far from it but...while I realize I need the routine of a job or i would become a complete HERMIT and never leave my house....why should I? I have everything I need there...lots to keep my occupied...Christ – I can order groceries online now and have them delivered for a mere 10.00...10 bucks and I don't even have to SHOP myself....that is so friggin amazing. I will do anything to avoid going to the grocery store now...sadly there are a few things I refuse to order online...like MEAT...I am not ordering meat I do not visually inspect 1^st. It isn't like I have some kinda of power to tell if meat is ok...I am NOT the 'meat whisperer' or anything...I just have to LOOK at it... (hahaha @ meat whisperer....how dirty)

 

Poor Mel just spent 1500.00 b/c her  cat eat a fracking earplug....MY CAT PLAYS WITH MY EARPLUGS ALL THE TIME....not any gawd damn more though...wtf....? I can say I am pretty sure I would not spend 1500.00 to save my cat for eating an earplug...survival of the fittest...that's just dumb, even for a cat...and I own a stupid cat...I am sure you remember my cat was the one who jumped/fell off the 4^th floor balcony a few yrs back...and lived...took me 3 days to find her BUT she was physically fine...took her to the vet to get looked at....a little soft tissue damage...nothing bad...pretty sure she landed on her head though b/c she can be so painfully stupid at times it hurts me feelings. I had pet insurance then...so the vet trip was covered for 80%. As soon as I pass over Ayla cell bill to her I am signing up for pet insurance again b/c it has been a while and.........it just seems smart. You expect dogs to do dumb shit like eat foreign objects (ie: Donna's dog Dugan eats socks and condoms ffs....) but cats – they should be smarter than that....but they aren't.

Happy Bastard's Day

Well...shit. These were supposed to be whole wheat ground flax banana protein waffles...WHY DO YOU HAVE TO OIL TEFLON ANYWAYS? Rude. I ate some anyhow. Maple syrup helped...in the future I will oil the damn thing.

Aunty Pam bought me a waffle maker to congratulate me for not strangling A. before graduation...my mom also gifted me for the accomplishment.

It was a gift worthy accomplishment if I do say so myself...
The day shall be redeemed shortly...Alexandra is coming over for some tortilla soup (that turned out pretty kick ass let me tell ya) and a therapy session...it always amuses me that as one of the most fucked up ppl I know (myself) I always end up the therapist in many of my friendships...should have got into social work after all I guess. Easy to be objective and empathetic to others...and far less easy to offer yourself the same empathy. Funny how that works. My only therapist friend is Connie....her masters in clinical psych makes me take her advice quite seriously lol

I feel facked today...unwell in general...and to try and make you all feel unwell here is the 80's video nightmare of the day:


hahaha

potty mouth

I just read a random month of posts from 2007 and man o man did I say FUCK a lot....while I haven't kicked that bad habit entirely I certainly have curbed it a bit...and make a concentrated effort to cool it as it does really denigrate my wit....<--doesn't that sound pretentious...?

I should be asleep.
I should be a lot of things...................................

Dinosaurs take over Victoria

These lead all the way down to the museum...clever marketing...I thought it was a really amusing street artist at 1st....until I remembered there was a big dinosaur exhibit at the library. Either way it made my morning.

the wheels on the bus...

I have watched the same school bus drive by me every morning for years...I always look at the kids riding on the bus...envious that the bus is usually almost empty except for about 7 kids. Much more pleasant that my school bus experiences growing up...I also always look waiting for one of them to give me the finger or stick their tongues out – none ever have...which endears them to me even though I would feel as endeared towards them if they did flip me the bird or raspberry me. Today I realized how grown up they are getting! One boy in particular really was looking older...you know how their faces change...the grown up teeth grow into the little kid faces making them look momentarily awkward.

Watch – the day one of them sticks their tongue out at me I will be shattered...
I have decided I would like to make out with Damien Rice while "9 CRIMES" is playing in the background the whole time...no idea why I am sharing that...but really why do I share anything on here? Oh that's right – because it is just what I do.

I took a look and realized I have been blogging since 2005...just think once I am dead you all have a fantastic amount of reading to do...OR you can sing hallelujah and be done with it entirely...leaving me to rot away in the bowels of the internet...I occasionally randomly read old stuff and it freaks me out...sometimes I read stuff that I wrote and I don't think it is my writing...too clever...though I wish I could think that of the really terrible writing of mine I read..."ohhh gawd no that cannot be me writing such filth..." I wish Connie had the time to blog...she is a fabulous writer...has a real flare and I enjoy all the snippets she shares with me when she does get a few moments to get busy with a pen and paper (aka fingers to keyboard)...I have in my possession some journaling of hers from many many years ago which is great reading as well...compared to my journaling it is kinda sad. When I journal on paper it is extremely emotional and really dramatic (which makes me howl with laughter after the fact)...in fact I have 1 whole journal dedicated to a few months I was with a certain someone (we can call him Mr Big Cock) a few years back that could be passed off as the diary of a 15 yr old girl. I have considered burning it – not b/c of the content so much as the intensity and redundancy of my dramatics...it is friggin embarrassing...ha. I feel kinda crappy sometimes when I am really pissed at someone and let loose on paper like that I don't always follow up so once I am dead it would seem like I hated the person terribly when in reality that is not the case at all. If I am not thought to be 100% insane when I die I will be afterwards if anyone is bored enough to read through the stack of journaling wonderment I leave behind.

I downloaded a rock trivia game on my phone for when I am on the bus etc...JFC...all the new R&R band questions I am completely clueless about...so irritating...and really how many fuggin Nickelback questions do I have to answer...? or Coldplay...or the Killers...I KNOW SHIT ABOUT THEM and I do not want to know anything more than shit about them...so I might look for a different app. Something that might enrich my brain even. Gawd knows I could use it...I see my brain doing weird things...maybe everyone's does – I have no real idea...perhaps I am Alzheimer's paranoid for no reason...

Blechhh

Today was a weird day...felt weird all day...and so tired...good lord I used a kleenex box as a pillow on my desk today for a 15 second nap...the fear of being discovered asleep at my desk foils any and all chance of me getting a nap in at work...which is a good thing.

I am really sad about Gleniffer Lake...and the Red Deer River...the oil spill there - while small by industry standards - is a gawd damn mess...the premiers comment about it being the cost of doing business (more of less) is par for the course I guess...(dick)
When my brother died we drove from the Calgary airport up to Rocky Mountain House and along the way - I was in the back seat trying to astrally project myself somewhere else...running thoughts through my head about this being some cruel hoax and once we got to RMH it would all be over...but I knew it wouldn't be...he wouldn't be standing there with a big goofy grin and scream "HAHA! I GOT YOU!" - Don't I wish...anyhow...while in the back seat wishing I was in a drug induced coma I happened to look up as we drove by the sign for Gleniffer Lake...I lived most of my childhood in Alberta and had somehow managed to never hear about this lake or see a road sign (or notice) until that moment when my brother Glenn was dead in Rocky Mountain House and I was on my way to face the dreaded permanency of it. The Gleniffer Lake sign seemed like a little elbow from the great beyond...a poke in the ribs...something...I don't know what but at that moment it seemed profound and heartbreaking. It was the 1st in an endless string of daily reminds about my lost little brother...so hearing about this lake being polluted by yet another pipeline disaster...well....fuck -fuck fuck fuck is all I have to say on that...

It is grey and cool out...all day at work I sat in that hot box dieing a slow death...that office is a gawd damn soul draining piece of shit...I am trying to put off the use of the A/C's until absolutely necessary but jfc...sitting in that dead hot air completely turns me into a corpse on autopilot. IT ISN'T EVEN HOT OUT YET FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD. I hate that office so much...my next job will be in an A/C'd building...just like my next apt will have a pool. Not kidding.

I was thinking how disappointing it is going to be if Chris - who I was blathering about a few posts ago - turns out to be a boring, middle aged jerk..arrogant or annoying.............................BUZZ KILL. It has happened before....a certain someone who was my be all end all all through Jr and Sr High...and into my early 20's...who at the time was the coolest, hottest, most mysterious, dangerous, deep guy in all the universe...turned up on Facebook last year only to end up being the most fucking boring, one dimensional, small town hickster of all time. Tragic loss...hard to be perceived as cool, hot, mysterious, deep etc when there is rent to pay and you can't spell to save your gawd damn life. I cannot articulate the boner killer that is bad spelling and poor grammar...it makes me dead from the waist down.What do I know...there is a Hall & Oats song playing on my computer right now...ohhh wait...I have been redeemed by Robert Plant's "In the Mood"...

UPDATE: He is not boring and lame at all...and even had some funny stories to share about our 24 hour make out friendship that I forgot about hahaha

Passenger - Lisa Hannigan

This song reminds me of Guy & Donna... :o)