S & M

merry good morning people....
it is a saturday here...the gulls are squawking outside at decibels hard to imagine...ayla the vicious badger is asleep still thank gawd...its been quite the few days around here...i don't think my ex steve managed to insult me on levels ayla has recently...and let me tell you he was a cruel bastard.
all i do is sit back and smile...and if u ever wanna push a teenage girl over the edge to the brink of psychosis ground her from going out until school starts, remove her internet access and suspend her cell phone...its gunna be a long long long 2 weeks...but im not backing down...if she doesn't comply with not going out then i dunno what'll happen but...im hoping she will simmer and get some perspective soon. last night shit was flying out of her bedroom like a tornado hit...i think i need to make a point of having ppl over, she doesn't act like a psycho if ppl are here...

rearranged my bedroom last night...i know i know...ocd jen but when i start not sleeping well i usually do change my room around bc i find it helps...i slept really good last night with my head facing the outside wall...and not having to face the city lights...sometimes i love that but its so effing bright sometimes i don't like it.

today ill rape the living room and revamp it...i think arika is coming over to knit while i tiddle about the house.

no other plans 4 the weekend...maybe roast beef at cassies later...walk walk walk...that's it.
am hoping ayla can be coerced to watch religulous with me but i wont hold my breath cuz that might insinuate she doesn't hate my guts and im not a complete fucking bitch.

there is something about moments where you are sitting and experiencing a verbal assault by the one person in the world you would kill for, maim for & die for telling you how intensely she loathes you, how worthless you are to her, how deep her hate runs for you...oddly i am not breaking into a million little broken pieces over it b/c - sadly - i have become accustomed to this talk from her - i expect it...and i can appreciate it being her truth right now...gawd knows i wanted to kill my own mother at 15...and beyond.

its a weird spot to be in...im avoiding violence at all costs bc i know once we go there it will all be lost. a physical altercation with her right now would end badly and i just don't want her having FIST FIGHT WITH MOM stories when shes grown up like i have with my own...then at the same time b/c she cannot be reasoned with AT ALL its like ive become this abused woman living in a house with someone who at every turn will run a dagger through me and there is little i can do about it...i have to sit here smiling and not reacting as I get shredded...its like being a kid myself again, completely helpless while someone uses me as a tool to get their aggression out.

but i will hunker down and endure...i have been appreciating advice ive sought even from kidless ppl...the objectivity is refreshing...
its a very different reality 4 ayla than it was for me...even though i was a raging angry teenager oozing aggression and shittiness i spent a good part of my life living with male figures where fear was a factor...she has never had that, i have had to be the nurturing parent and the intimidating parent all in one and while the intimidation is clearly slipping now i have morphed it and put it back on her...i cant stop her from leaving the house when she is grounded, its completely on her to check herself and decide how she wants all this to go and i just keep putting it back on her...
all i know is im sticking this 2 weeks out and if she steps outta line it will prolong it into the new school year and that's entirely up to her.

aint parenting grand? and ppl ask why i never had another one.