Sunday, July 31, 2011

Dragonfly of Fantasticness

July 31 2011 110 by jennzebel
July 31 2011 110, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.
This little bugger posed for me FOREVER in the sun today...amazing wings and bugs body grossness! Thank you Mr Dragonfly (you can click here for the original large version for a good look)

all the white horses are still in bed

I can taste my Carmex chap stick on last nights tea cup.

It is a lovely early Sunday morning up here in my cityscape hideaway, the gull squawk isn't too horrendous this morning. Watched the news 1st thing - that was fairly demoralizing. Rarely a good idea. I chuckle at the "will the US default on their debt" propaganda...1st because of how ridiculous it is that a country such as the USA allows the rich scums bags of their country to ultimately control the puppet strings of the economy even after repeated dismal failures - and at the expense of the rest of the country. I guarantee you the rich cocksuckers who 'lost everything' are not living in their cars (if they are lucky enough to still have one) like all the poor/middle class folks who lost their homes in the last few years. With corporate bigwigs still getting million dollar bonuses it boggles the mind how the economy can suck so makes ZERO sense. I wish Barack Obama would go in with a flame thrower and torch EVERYTHING and rebuild...think what you want of him he cannot make it any worse than it is right now. The silliness of the Republicans stalling this debt ceiling issue is absolutely laughable...privileged bunch of idiots.

And happy Sunday to you too.

Overdid it a little yesterday wearing non-pajama pants...sounds weird I know but it's true. I walked down to Lisa's in the sunshine...a 10 min walk that took me about 20-25 mins hahaha I felt like I was walking with a stick jammed up my ass...all slow and careful...saw a dead bird on the way that made me feel better about myself...cuz at least I wasn't a dead bird squished on the road...right? We then went to see COWBOYS & ALIENS which I quite enjoyed...I am not a Daniel Craig fan but that man sure had a hot ass in chaps...seriously. Anyway...if you take it too seriously then yes that will be your own fatal error...but this was a fun movie and I loved the characters...Adam Beach was in it! Sam Rockwell and the awesome older brother from Little Miss quote of the movie (sorry if I eff it up) was something to the effect of: Don't yank it, it's not a pecker. BAHAHAHA...

I think lentils are my new favorite food...having purchased all the proper spices to go with yummy daal I think I will be eating a fair bit of it in the next month. It really is fantastically flavorful...its too bad Ayla wont eat it though...this is what I made last night: RECIPE It is extremely good. I did use 1 jalapeno but passed on the cayenne just b/c I thought that might be pushing it for me in my state of gastrointestinal limbo. I have to say being severely premenstrual the week of GB surgery has been confusing and fucking retarded...I cannot accurately peg which symptom is what so I decided to stop trying and wait til next week to even bother gauging wtf is going on with my body. Worst timing ever. :\ Hopefully I am not dieing og gangrene and confusing it with agonizing period cramps. Fucking uterus.

One of my steri-strips came off...uhhh those cuts are bigger than my mind allowed me to think they were...I promptly put a band-aid over it...too fresh looking...barf. Now I really do not want the other 3 to fall off though I think my paper says tomorrow they should come off...this will involve more than I am prepared to think about right now this second. I have to say while this is a mild surgery (the pain is incredibly mild all things considered) I have a whole new appreciation for ppl who go under the knife b/c for me the process in general is whats really mind-fucking. The drugs, anesthetic, giving up control of yourself entirely, relying on medical professionals to not get germs in your person that can kill u by turning your insides to soup, general fatigue of being hi-jacked on every level, etc...then add in some common sense worry and fear...being unable to sleep as you are accustomed, being trapped at home and spending 99% of your time alone and over-thinking EVERYTHING...its a weird dynamic I care not to repeat ever. I go back to work on Wednesday and I cannot imagine where the energy 4 that is coming from after a short walk yesterday and a movie near killed me lol Ohhh JOY. It will be nice to be busy...I will be slower so my days will be fuller 4 a while...I am usually stupidly fast and efficient and leave myself with large time periods of no work. Pacing myself is something I always have to work on.

Tomorrow is AUGUST! Wow!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Thank you...

just when I felt like my body was failing me...I am struck with menstruation...which explains the bloating, pain, discomfort and emotional drama in my head this be damned...the uterus wins every time. Fuckin fuck. I want these underwear now.

OMG SARAH! She did make me a gallbladder!!

JFC look at this thing...! The side of it is open for stones (aka nuts)...
Pure genius!
Thank you Sarah...very thoughtful and fun! Made my day! xo

Friday, July 29, 2011

Friday Night's Alright for Didley Squat

What a weird week...I have recovered from my meltdown last night you'll be glad to hear and am on track.
Eating little bits all day is the key...little fruity non fatty non rich bits of snackage.
I went for a short walk today with Connie & her girls to the the time I got home I was effing dead but it was good to get things moving around.
Tonight Lisa's taking me for a car ride to Dallas Rd so I will wander a bit down there...

Was good having a nice long stretch of visit time with Connie. I have NO idea how she runs after those girls day after day and doesn't lose her gawd damn mind. It's a good thing I had Ayla at 23...dealing with little kids at 40 is a whole other ball game.

It is hot and sunny...I just slept from 5 pm to 715 pm - a nice dead sleep...I don't get much long stretch sleep like that right now sleeping on my back [have I mentioned how I DETEST sleeping on my back?] so that was nice. Ayla washing dishes...that's a rare occurrence, like a witnessing a unicorn eating corn on the cob in an old lady's garden...but honey badger doesn't give a shit so why should I right? I wish I didn't give a shit about anything. I wish nothing bothered me. I wish I wasn't constantly offended by peoples indifference and lack of giving a shit. Pffft.

Enough of that...Sarah B just called me...she cannot wait anymore and is bringing me a pressie. I hope it's a new whatever crafty form she was into this week. That would please me greatly...mind u ANYTHING Sarah brings me will make me so incredibly happy it wont matter if its a new gallbladder.

No thank you

I am 100% not interested in EVER having any sort of surgery or medical procedure done again. While this has not been horrendous by any means compared to what I was expecting I am incredibly not fond of having my chi so fucked up. I ended up having an unexpected meltdown last night - which I guess I was due to have since I have been on autopilot since Monday - mainly due to a general feeling of overall gross. I am a little surprised at how little education was offered by the hospital in relation to how one should eat after this surgery - all they said was high fiber diet. They made no mention of the importance of eating very small amounts <--to avoid having any sort fullness in your body and did not stress the importance of foods to avoid...I am revamping my food intake and seeing if that improves my comfort level today.

Today Connie and the girls are coming over. I am gunna venture outdoors to the park with the 3 of them and see how that goes. I have enjoyed all my visits from friends that's for sure...Tracey and Adrienne came over last night and made Greek pitas which were nice though I suspect the flavors and size of that meal did me in for last night which is depressing haha But so yummy! Was supposed to go out with Lisa last night for ice cream but I think I am foregoing anything rich and full of badness like that for a while...its simply not worth the gross overall feeling I really wanna get some kind of sense of what DOES work for me and eating stuff that surely wont is kind of counterproductive.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADELYN!!! Hard to believe she is 6 already!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


Much sorer today...still can't sleep...I am assuming all this drug use is to blame despite the fact that historically T3s at night make me sleep like a dead donkey any other time. Annoying.
My belly is so swollen I look pregnant and can't do the dishes b/c my belly prohibits me from getting close enough to the sink and it's too sore to lean against the counter. Oh the glamor.
Lisa is coming to visit me in a bit so I can see a human being today...yay. I hate TV. My brains too mush to read...though I should try b/c it might make me sleep.


Connie is on Vancouver Island this week and coming to visit with the girls Friday...I should be up for that...and hopefully a walk across the street to the park...I really don't know...but either way we will get a visit in and that's what counts.

I took my bandages off today...I was supposed to but then I redressed them b/c it was too ugly to look at HAHAHAHAHA plus it felt like they needed that extra cushion still. I opted out of a shower b/c I am not steady enough on my feet today...tomorrow it's do or die!
Right now sitting here I feel like I could go right to sleep but by the time I hobble to the couch and wish I had a crane to lower me down to the couch I am wide the fuck awake again. :\ Annoying. I think I would die if my phone was broken this week.

I have never been so eager to poop though...every fart I can muster is magical. Connie told me today after her last surgery she didn't shit for 5 days and I think I gasped out loud in horror. 5 days. How does a person not die from that? I have eaten so much fruit salad...and taken the mighty stool softener Senakot faithfully for 2 days...I ate ALL BRAN for breakfast for fucks sake. I am dedicated to defecation! <--awesome band name by the way.

Better picture....

July 25 2011 020 by jennzebel
July 25 2011 020, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

that large piece is about the size of a penny....u can see how it had to get busted up to get pulled out....last picture I SWEAR!

July 23 2011 012

July 23 2011 012 by jennzebel
July 23 2011 012, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

so awesome til some dink kid plowed it over moments after this was taken....grrrr

July 25 2011 002

July 25 2011 002 by jennzebel
July 25 2011 002, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

my MG bag finally got used!

July 25 2011 003

July 25 2011 003 by jennzebel
July 25 2011 003, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Tracey's fruit salad stuff....hahaha @ the cat. I didn't even know there was such a thing as GOLDEN RASPBERRIES! (not pictured, she was washing them for me to try)

Monday, July 25, 2011

it's my blog and I'm posting look away if you need to

Look at those biggies! WEIRDDDDDDDDDDD! They are weird and layered and as Kate described them "looks like two halves of a hazelnut with minced garlic" hahahahahaa I haven't slept yet...I feel like its gunna be like in car think you are ok until you go to bed and wake up the next day feeling HORRID. I am actually quite ok b/c I am taking T3 every 4 cell is set up to alert me that its time...I do not wanna feel this. I figure I will go regular with T3's all day tomorrow and then only take as needed after that.  Donna my Hospital Taxi Lady was great, she nearly threw up looking at this bottle o'stones bahahaha Tracey came over and made me this GARGANTUAN fruit salad, SO yummy...thank you ladies! :o) 

Anyhow - I am all good! ::That's me being an optimist::

I got my tonsils out when I was 16 and woke up from the anesthetic flailing, hysterical and was SHEER madness! I came to learn some ppl don't do well with the stuff so I made mention to the guy today...when I woke up this time...I wasn't flailing or going raging donkey like last time but I was bawling my head off...I had NO real pain and was rationalizing that I was not scared, in pain or upset at all but could not stop the reaction which was really effed up. I stopped crying when I started COUGHING...and COUGHING...and COUGHING....fuck that sucked. After all that mellowed out I realized my LIP was all FAT! I somehow managed to bite my lip while waking up and its all split inside and sticking outta my face...JHC. My new goal is to avoid anesthetic for the rest of my life. My lip looks normal now with the swelling down but it's all burger inside...I am awesome.
Overall - and shockingly so - it was a really decent experience...the staff there was excellent, the hospital is small and quiet (Saanich Peninsula Hospital - if u ever need surgery try to get it booked in there!) - very organized. When I am mended and such I am taking cookies to the surgical staff office as a thank you and to my surgeon - as he was great and let me have my stones despite it really not being 'allowed' and one of the nurses was quite not ok about (but not an asshole over it like in the PR hospital) it but tough titty cuz the Dr said yes haha off to crawl into my heated bed and will hopefully get some good sleep!

Jen - The Gallstoneless Wonder Child


Surgical sponge solutions do not stink after all - woohoo. I do find it amusing that they have to INSTRUCT people to wash their genitals and anus LAST with it No kidding...isn't this Common Sense 101? Doh!

The food eating cut off time at midnight last night was psyche got really nervous as I ate 2 blueberry scones that I was not even hungry for...oooh food issues are awesome.
I feel ok today - just really want this all over with...Donna will be here in 45 mins so...I am off to NOT apply lotions, deodorant, perfume, make up or anything else what will make me look less hideous. bahaha...I am not even taking glasses with me. I found the most GIANT old black capri pants in my possession and will wear those there for easy getting on after...slip on shoes...99.9% sure I will NOT be bothering to put my bra on later...nice show for the kids as I leave the hospital. I wonder if I get wheel chaired down when its over? Hmmmm...Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Clover Point Yesterday

This was moments before some jackass kids knocked it over...

Dean doing some moment capturing


for someone not nervous it is interesting I only have 2 intact fingernails...I am bagged ass tired today b/c I had surprise company old editor/PR high school friend Dean came down for a visit. Had a great day...spent the evening at Cloverpoint on the beach with a few drinks, watching the sun slowly make it's was behind the distant mound of earth...then we went and ate some Jen-Made thai food...then hit 5th Street Bar & Grill for a few drinks before coming back here some great conversation, finally crashing at 230 am. Woke up feeling rather hungover this morning despite not even getting a buzz last night but that's 40 for ya. Really was a fab visit and I am really hoping he moves to Nanaimo (from Kelowna) for a potential new job so we can d that more often. Miss having a really positive connection with someone...refreshing.

I have made myself a big pot of soup to eat next week post-gallbladder eradication. I have washed all the fruit and just need to clean the kitchen and do some laundry and then pack a bag 4 tomorrow morning. Donna will pick me up at 930 am...I check in at the hosp. at 1030 am and get punctured at 1 pm I should be in recovery and at 230 should be able to go home via the Donna Ambulatory Cab Service. Tracey is gunna come babysit me til Ayla gets home at 530 pm...I really don't know what to expect AT ALL so in my head on Tuesday I will be awesome but I think that's optimistic of me hahahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Pre-Surgery Concerns:

How will I get my pants on after the surgery? I do not like the idea of needing HELP to get my pants on. hahaha I am bringing the biggest baggiest capri pants on the planet for this occasion and slip on shoes.

What if they are stingy on the good ass kicker drugs?

What if they will not let me have my gallstones...Fuck - this is disappoint me. I have changed my maraca plan to something else now...

Best Ayla quote of all time after telling her I needed her home Monday to watch me for the night:

Me - Damn straight you are not for gawds sake!

We are awesome.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

chains...oh oh oh....

Yes waking up at 530 am on a Saturday is pretty lame but...what do you do - shortly after that time the gulls get squawking anyway so it's a lost cause unless you are in a serious coma.

Today is raspberry picking day at Papa Coleman's place. After seeing the price of a flat of raspberries at the grocery store yesterday for 13.00 bucks I sure love being able to raid his and Lisa's gardens! And no POISON on them! Just some deer spit...

Gotta say I am proud of Lisa right now...she finally gave her niece the boot. Her 17 yr old niece has been living with her for almost 6 mths and both her and her mom (Lisa's dumb sister) have taken gross advantage of Lisa in a multitude of ways...which has been quite hurtful I would imagine (Lisa DOES have feelings after all...asshole ppl!) on top of being really effing rude in general. Anyway it all finally become too much for her and she put her foot down...CHEERING COULD BE HEARD FROM ALL OVER THE CITY AND EVEN FROM JORDAN'S HOUSE ON THE MAINLAND! haha But you know how that family shit is...gets ugly in a hurry...and niece and sister promptly turned into even bigger assholes but so be it...Lisa is finally free. :o) CONGRATS LISA! (From now on please consult with me before letting anyone move in b/c gawd knows I am a gawd damn expert in the field  ::insert sarcasm here::)

Alex has her boy-child today for the entire month (WOOHOO) and her little family is off to Haida Gwaii next week for a 2 week holiday and adventure.Looking fwd to the stories that come out of that excursion. Her accounts of island life up there have been quite interesting I must say...I honestly knew very little about the place aside from what I have been reading in the David Suzuki book I am reading right now...interesting place but honestly...the rigamarole to get there will likely prevent me from ever visiting...what a gawd damn ordeal and ridiculous expense.

I think the crows are having a gang fight with the gulls outside right now...or a gull just ate a crow baby or something b/c it sounds like Bird WW3 out there...GO CROWS GO!
 (Waiting fr Guy to tell me gulls don't eat baby crows but...I dunno b/c I thought gulls eat damn near anything...)

YES! 5th Row! Cannot wait!

I am especially pleased to see my fellow thinning hair sister suffers my same shame...and wears wigs now on stage...I may get a clown wig now...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Ginger Queen of the Piano

Well, I did not bank on any Vancouver concerts but JHC - Tori Amos is in Vancouver in December and I have NEVER seen her...and she is one of my few real favorites I have never seen looks like Deanna and I are going to go see her...tix on sale tomorrow. Pray for me. Deanna is my "Tori Amos" us going together only seems right!

Works been busy...tomorrow will be a another full day but then I have 11 days off...all dedicated to regrowing a gallbladder...ok not regrowth but...healing the gallbladder stump I am left with. Oddly enough I am not worried about it...going under the knife puncturing tool is fine with me...if I am gunna die doing so while being unconscious is way okay with me...dieing of gangrene afterwards b/c they left a swab in you - not my favorite. Having survived childbirth and gallbladder attacks I am sure I will be fine post-surgery so...really aside from worrying about potential complications (oops we thought you needed your bladder removed and you now have to carry a bag to pee in the rest of your life) it's all and Netflix are ready.

Saturday Lisa and I have some plans to shop and visit and see a flick...then Sunday its all about prepping for the week ahead...

Found out Maggie, Pam (maybe) and Squid are coming to visit Aug 17 WOOHOOOO! They will stay til the 20th and take Ayla back with them for a few weeks...nice.......

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

In case you know someone looking for one...



July 16 2011 020 by jennzebel
July 16 2011 020, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Lisa's dad has this painting in his is quite striking actually - not sure if the picture does it justice - its REALLY large and it is really old (1600's possibly) and has value as in the past someones offered up 10K for it so...I thought I'd poke around and look into it for him as I am curious...I think I will start by looking into some online forums etc. Anyone know anything about having paintings appraised and how that works?

MARACAS! did I not think of this before...using my gallstones to make a maraca?! How an awesome way to utilize the little fuckers...providing I can get the Dr to agree to give them to me and not worry about that pesky 'medical waste' thing.

Sorry Guy but here comes my GULL RANT:
It's that fucking time again @ Jen's place...when the gulls are nesting and humping and squawking their gawd damn heads off and driving me MAD! It is 915 pm and the noise coming from outside is HORRIFIC. I am closing the doors and windows now. Thankfully they do take breaks...unlike those asshole herons in Powell River @ my old apt who nested and humped in a tree across the street...omfg...its like I am being haunted by annoying bird noise.  It ends when Guy....OCTOBER?? Sweet Jesus. I may become a gawd damn drug addict.

Moving on to things I can control...oh wait...nothing ~ despite my best efforts...Ayla & I have a lunch date Friday afternoon. I am making reservations at the restaurant in the Legislative Building...most ppl don't know they have a rest. in there but they do and the food is quite good and not at all expensive which is odd b/c its government and they love to rape the public. It is all hoytee toytee looking in there too so I love going in there looking like a grubby asshole. I have a pass into the bldg so I get to sneak in the back way and avoid the guards muahahahahaha Anyhow - that should be fun...

My child tax credit went up 40 bucks a month...this is the last year I collect it. I fully expect at the end of the year I will get a letter saying it is a mistake so I can spend the next year after Ayla is 18 and I don't get it anymore to pay it back. :\

Ayla has her ticket paid off & her learners back in her wallet and is gearing up for driving school...she is so busy this summer with a few trips planned I dunno how it'll fit in until maybe the fall.

I have 2 days of work left before I am off...lots to do...Today I had 3 days of work to do and got it all done by 4 pm...I wish I had that much work goes by SO fast...and I get into MACHINE MODE and I like that a time to think, no time to lounge...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

this summer rules

I admit I was enjoying the sun this wasn't too hot and I liked having some color etc but I am pretty much loving the summer being eaten up by the cloudy coolness b/c that means less chance of there being time for a heat wave.

Cat woke me up this morning ~ little a-hole. She has been doing that a a child though she goes through phases and I am sure it will pass before I have to get her put down haha She has been staring intensely at Madelyn's Birthday TuTu I made for a month...doing the physics and math in her head trying to figure out how to get it and destroy it. No way cat...that sucker is getting mailed Monday...the horses finally came for it so it is now complete just in time for mailing! :o) I won't be offended if she hates it...or won't wear I am well aware of the fickleness of GIRLS but...hopefully she will take it for a spin!

Am not feeling well this week...I stayed late at work to get some things done that I don't want to deal with next I didn't get home til 6 pm and I just could not muster the will to do anything so I watched a German movie (ANATOMY) on netflix that had the gal from Run Lola Run in was kinda cheesy but interesting imagery etc.

Then I crashed like a mofo by 11 pm...oh yeah this chick knows how to partayyyy! Today I am hitting the HORRIBLE BOSSES movie with Alex and Lisa...Donna is working so she is missing it...I have HIGH hopes for this movie as it looks tremendously funny to me...for the rest of the weekend I am plan-less...I have some things to do at home that will keep me busy for sure though.

Ayla received her learners in the mail this week so driving school is back on! She also kicked her last test in Math summer school in the ass with a 92% so she should up her mark quite well...she is done at Winner's now and started at HomeSense yesterday for the orientation...woohoo (same company - just a transfer) The new HS opens mid August so they will be setting up and such for the next month. Between that and the job at the ball park and her summer gallivanting she is pretty busy. She bought herself a portable salad container that has a spot for salad and the dressing separately and freezes to keep the salad cold...I thought this was extremely mature of her (ahhahaha) buying herself a container to enable her to eat better at work...and NOW I WANT ONE!!!

WHOLE WHEAT PEROGY VERDICT: they are EFFING GOOD! Not even kidding...I hope they stick around b/c I prefer them to the non-w.w. perogies. CLICK HERE

my favorite song today

Por Eso Me Quedo (That's Why I'm Staying) by Lhasa

Friday, July 15, 2011

Oh Today!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAUREEN! (hope you do not get syphilis for your b'day!) xo

Thursday, July 14, 2011

4 Months & 16 Days

...until Matthew Good...he he he - Soooo stoked for that...

Google+ is interesting...weird trying to navigate something new but some interesting differences...I do not really wish to add another thing on top of FB, Flickr, Blogger, YouTube, etc...Life is so hard with so many choices....something will have to go if Google+ becomes my preference.

Looking fwd to 3 days off this weekend...haven't felt well the last few days, got a bit worried I was getting sick...with everything in place 4 this surgery I will be UBER pissed if it gets bumped or fucked up in any way. I am down 10 lbs which is nice...the Bike to Nowhere and I are becoming good frigging glad it doesn't bother my heel at all...I have been walking a little more and am feeling like my heel is finally MAYBE healing a bit...I still have to ice it at times but...I think it might be on the mend...if I can dump some more weight too this will help.

Aunty Fern sent me the concert schedule at this weekend wingding going on in Salmon Arm...omg HARLEQUIN...PRISM...NAZARETH are playing...I have always wanted to see Nazareth...if they come here again I AM GOING even if its in Langford. haha

OK I have to blog an apology {SORRY!} to my friend Lisa...she did NOT plant that snail in my lettuce. It was a naturally occurring snail...seriously it was so PERFECT I truly thought it was a genius move on her part...sorry Lisa...U just lost genius sneaky'll have to try harder now.

Ayla just aced Math with a 92 on her exam...summer school is OVER for her and she kicked its ass. Her learners came in today WOOHOO! Back in learning to drive business! Going to call tomorrow and get the schedule for the classes... (exciting!)

My eye just twitched.
I am revamping blog is a little too loud even for this big mouth.
Me & this brain tumor are going to bed...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Sorry kids...

No culture...we are a people of no culture. We worship stuff. We covet fancy shiny cell phones and the latest technology which at the end of the day is a hollow shell of an existence for a lot of people. I was waiting at the bus stop today thinking about how so many young people are lacking a significant ‘base’ in life. I feel this for myself as well; that feeling of being detached from nature in such a severe way that it is hard to find your footing in everyday life. City dwelling is great for bug haters like me who like hair driers etc but I cannot help but feel my existence is shallow and meaningless...void of anything noteworthy on a day to day basis. So easy to get caught up in the act of ‘surviving’ you forget what matters.

Community seems so lost on me when only 10 short years ago I clamoured to be in a little community of mothering holiness...the pull was so strong when Ayla was a baby – to be “in” with other like-minded people, I refer to it as my hippy-dippy phase. It was a very very new experience wanting to be around other people as a ‘group’...I am naturally attracted to people individually, constantly seeking ‘connection’ in whatever form it unfolds – genuine connection...I have realized this about myself in the last few years, questioning my need to connect with people, pondering the ‘whys’ of this etc...

I am an asshole and I am 100% aware of it and even detest it. I am socially retarded enough to make me fairly intolerant but not quite enough to make me an obvious outcast. These things affect how I interact with the world around me, how I place myself in the world and how I involve myself with other people. I am drawn to being social and experiencing things but seem to lack the coping skills to deal with being around people. At the Pride Festival for example...I loved the vibe and all there was to see but was completely disinterested in mingling or being around the throngs of people. I spent most of the festival watching from Alex’s vendor in the confines of a tent and fence...I find a place and plant myself...not wanting to stray far from my safe little area...I do much better when I am alone in crowds oddly enough...I only have me to consider which is why my new THANG is to go to concerts solo now...I have no idea why I am how I am and I guess the whys don’t matter all that much at this point...when Ayla grew out of her baby-ness and was an official little kid and in school a switch clicked for me...I lost the maternal draw twds other moms and the “community of mommy” was gone as quick as it started. I spent a very large chunk of time obsessive about birth and breastfeeding and everything to do with baby crap – then like a flash it was done. I am sure this is a natural/hormonal event as I am not the only one who has articulated such an experience.

Anyhow...I worry about my girl and how the city has affected her sense of the world...I wish I was a better nature nut and got her out in the bush to see exactly what it is that needs protection & saving in life...and all the other things connected to it.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Coleman = Stealth Snail Planter

I was at Lisa's tonight...she likes it when I come and raid her garden. I am a bit of a girl total girly ass face about bugs and slimy stuff but I really appreciate having chemical free lettuce, berries and raspberries for her boys were over and they are just funny to listen to...its bachelor banter taken to its highest form...anyhow...while I was picking berries Lisa offered to buck up a lettuce for me and put it in a I was thinking how nice that was of her when I know NOW that she stealthily tippy toed over to her pile of rotting garden boxes and plucked off a snail we were talking about earlier and stuffed it in my bag o' lettuce. Imagine my surprise while on the phone with Alex when I reach in to the lettuce bag and near shit my pants b/c there is a gross slimy thing MUNCHING on my salad! Rude. Anyhow...we ended up being pals once the startle wore off...then I tossed him off the balcony.

My pre-op physical this morning was odd. it took all of 5 mins. She asked me 10-12 Q's, took my BP and listened to my heart for 10 seconds and sent me on my way. No nudity. Nothing. Is this typical? I asked her why that was it and she said she could do a simple one or a complex one and she did a simple one. Oh why thank you for doing the bare are awesome... :\
At this point I don't care...I can't help but think something is going to go sideways and fuck it all up just b/c I have the time booked and everything worked out. The hosp. called me today while I was at work so hopefully its just routine. Ugh.

My favorite song today! CAPABLE by KO
I don't get the drug references so I have a message into my ex druggy pal to hook me up with some translation hahahaha

Saturday, July 09, 2011


I wanted new blog I got some...I feel like looking at brights colors for a while.

I slept until 940 this morning....rather unheard of.
Had a great late night chat with Ayla...her being broke and home more pleases is the only time we really get together b/c she is rather busy...things have certainly turned that shitty corner...I can see it without a doubt now. She is being more mindful and thinking about things...happily I can say I don't think she inherited my neurosis...this is good news...she is a carefree spirit and I am glad. It is no fun in my head and I am grateful she dodged that bullet.

I am going to putter at home a bit then head to Tracey's to hang out with her for a while and do dinner...I have other things to do as well so it'll feel like a decent day once I get home with groceries and settle in for the night...I am back in that good place I was in the fall of 2009 only the catalyst this time is ME and not some big cocked hottie (I shan't elaborate) that was not long for my realm. Been doing some healthy reflecting about the last yr and a half and have come to the conclusion despite the initial feeling like it was a big fat fucking waste of time I learned enough from it that it was worth the experience even if it panned out to be but a flash in the pan.

I have to rant for a moment...I was on the bus yesterday after work and while I was really really wasted tired and just so ready for it to be the weekend my reaction to this man on the bus was completely unrelated to that. Picture this...a man in his mid to late 40s...fine looking man really but appearing to be in some midlife crisis mode...wearing hipster kid jeans rolled up with the big cuff...converse runners...the fashionable tattoo sleeves...kinda all trendy and shit like he was trying to be 20...but I figured wtf...whatever...I certainly shouldn't be judged by how I dress b/c my lack of fashion sense does me no justice (haha)...that was until I watched him reacting to women on the bus. I love beautiful ppl and I look and even stare sometimes but I am 100% sure I do not have a predatory look of lust and creep on my face when I do it...this guy was absolutely disturbing and pathetic. As a keen observer of people on a daily basis I see men look at good looking women all the time and it usually doesn't make all the hairs on my neck stand up. It was gross. It was gross to the point I think I had my snarl face on and wanted to tell girls to move out of his easy line of view...with a daughter out and about town this sort of shit makes me ill. I recall when she used to wash windows at Money Mart when she was 12 men would leer at her. 12. Yes 12. I even yelled at someone once who was commenting on her once that she WAS FUCKING 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh humans are deplorable.

Rant over.

Alex is hanging with her sprog today. Lisa's sprog is in town and it is her other sprogs birthday. Ayla is off to SKA FEST tonight with Sean which is fun fun fun...she just got confirmation that she is a volunteer 4 RIFFLANDIA which is awesome b/c if she volunteers 15 hrs she gets a 250.00 (appox) wrist band for the whole weekend which is KICK ASS! I may get to weasel in with Alex and Kelsey as they are sponsors/vendors and may have an extra wristband....we shall there is still one HUGE announcement to the line up coming and if it is who I think it is it is gunna be FUCKING EPIC.

The Pride Parade is tomorrow...and then the festivities at the park...should be a funny adventure...must charge camera batteries.

Enjoy the day folks.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Dumb Twat

I know I went into it knowing it was going to suck but...I couldn't have imagined all the shitty Dr ratings would be so agonizingly obvious the 1st visit. The Dr doing my pre-op physical here in town is a social reject...not even kidding. She is loud (coming from me you know this has gotta be an exceptional case of the louds!) and abrupt and clearly has no idea how to talk to people. I dunno wtf is going on in Canada that you can live in the capital city of BC and only the bottom of the barrel Drs accept new patients and I am sure it is some sort of punishment for them b/c they all seem to be complete dicks. (Her ratings online are atrocious and Donna stopped seeing her...and Ayla went once and said FORGET IT)

After she asked me a few Q's I make mention of the fact that having a sit down job for the last 3ish yrs has really made an obvious negative impact on my issues...before the words were even out of my mouth:

DUMB TWAT: Well you should be happy to have a can get up and walk every hour, jump in your car and drive to Dallas Road and walk! Walk Walk to Esquimalt to the walking path and walk... [this drivel went on for a very long time]

ME: I am actually happy to have a job, I worked hard to get it - that is not the issue....

cuts me off and goes on and on....I could not be bothered to tell her I usually walk a lot...but have injured my heel and bought a Bike to Nowhere machine...nothing I said would be heard and it really did not matter b/c I am never going back after the pre-op appt.

She continued to blather on for quite some time about NOTHING to do with fuck all....
until I finally tell her I will not be sending my records down as I want to keep my PR doctor...then she refocused on that for about .85 secs and was gone out the door hollering Byyyyyyyyyyyye as she left...fml. Really? I dont need coddling...but stick your obnoxiousness in your ass.
I am dreading my appt on Monday...I am considering wearing headphones. (HAHAHA Not really but that would kick ass) I will be sure to share a great post about that visit...

Love the new Sam Roberts...::sigh:: Can't wait to see him in October....

Ohhh then there is the fabulousness of Matt Goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Got myself a 9th row seat during a presale...but found a 5th row seat in todays presale...and Esther is gunna buy the 9th row seat off me...sweeeet! 5th row I can live with...omg I have to wait until Nov 29th! Ack!! It's gunna be good good gooooood Matthew Good goodness! HAPPY DANCE!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Mr Sun Sun Mr Golden Sun

Is it just pasty ol me or is the sun getting more evil? I got a burn on my head the other day and I was in the shade for all but 20 mins.....seriously.

Mind u I realize my THINNING HAIR doesnt help but...jesus.