Monday, October 31, 2011

I miss you Freddy

Another weekend zipped by...Shawn was in town from Kelowna. He made me eat a bog bowl of quinoa which was actually not putrid with berries cinnamon and vanilla almond milk. Did some computer chatting and bought something off him that should apparently change my life and make my computer so fast it is ridonculous. Sweet.

Glad Halloween is nearly done...not really in love with my kids intense love for all things Halloween as it translates into one giant excuse to party 4 days in a row so I am pissed off at her and don’t feel like looking at her currently. There is gunna come a day when she ‘gets’ what it is like to give a fuck about something more than yourself and when she “gets” it I am gunna point and LAUGH SO HARD my oxygen mask is gunna come loose and I might almost die from lack of oxygen but I will still laugh at her and the suffering she will experience...I do understand there are varying degrees of this sort of thing...some ppl are chill and that shit doesn’t keep them up at night at all...while there are some of us who are constantly tormented and worry like a head case...I admit I am borderline psychotic about it but contrary to popular belief I reign that shit in pretty good b/c I know its irrational...though I still expect common courtesy and a heads up about her whereabouts and plan just so I know for peace of mind and safety reasons but OMG you would think I was the FBI the way she whines and snivels that I am stalking her...she has a skewed perspective of my intentions quite honestly. She has a fairly inflated sense of how interested I am in what she is doing...that I tend to prefer being ignorant about but to me knowing her plan and such is just common sense the fuck am I supposed to sleep if I think she might be in a ditch somewhere dying of hypothermia? Or was clipped by a car and tossed out of sight to die in the tall grass?! If I know her ETA or she checks in via a quick text msg then that seems like a decent solution...though truly it KILLS her to offer up any morsel of consideration or kindness twds convenient that that she can just say I AM CRAZY and blow me off...little a-hole. Yeah parenthood...for all its trials and tribulations it is still better than not...I reminds myself of a few friends who lost their kids recently and all this shit seems unimportant in the larger scheme of things.

I have a few craft projects on the go....but I have decided to really DEFY the xmas disease this year...I usually have $ set aside well before now and have most of it done, bough and organized but this year...NOTHING. I do not have 1 dime or 1 item for the ingrate sprog even...nothing...I have a few token things for Maddie & Squid planned & that’s it...THE END. I MAY or MAY NOT even do xmas cards this year. Whatever small item Ayla gets (she was pre-warned due to her mexico trip) will be got from my Dec 23rd payday HAHAHAHAHA OHHH AWESOMMMMMMMMMMMEEE!!!

I am already thinking about my xmas tree too...gunna forego the twig this year I think...the cat is too douche-y about all those pretty dangly things. Problem is the wee tree I have is not big enough I don’t think for all my weird ornaments...I may need to upgrade...I am SO PISSED I did not snatch Kelly-Jean’s awesome xmas tree at the garage sale last spring.... ::stomps foot:: It was a plug in self-lighting one and it was GROOVY!

OK I think I am done bitching about things now...I was at a baby shower lunch Sunday only it wasn’t stupid with games and other retarded this shower was a baby named Freddy who I instantly glommed onto...he was just about 5 mths old (perfect, not floppy and smiles etc) and cuter than cute can be...oh sweet jesus I thought I might lactate right at the table...not.even.joking. He smelled so good...he was my afternoon was a good few hours with friends and baby sniffing...Tara is due in about 6ish weeks with baby Isaac...she scored some great loot...

OMFG Donna dressed up like the Hamburglar today for Halloween and Erin is Kermit (News Reporter Kermit) @ work....cracks me up...didn’t see many costumes on the way to work sadly...1 PIKACHU, 1 SPONGEBOB and 1 WITCH....that’s IT! Boo!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Fryday Duh-Ness

Hectic doing nothing. Ok not entirely true...My evenings are spent on the phone with Tere & redoing 2 NEW OLD one and Lisa’s NEW OLD one that was my OLD one. I had forgotten how time consuming it is...hours and hours – days and days....tinkering. But it is the kind of time that flies so you don’t notice til you look at the clock every night and its bedtime and you haven’t done shit all else @ home. Oops.

Not gunna lie – I am pretty much desperate to feel nothing these days...emotions have been running pretty high the last few weeks and I am about done with it all and want to just slip into a nothingness coma. How’s that for avoidance skills? The real skill would be if I could actually perform such a personal miracle.

A. managed to sneak her awesome self into the OBHS Halloween Dance last was all she has talked about all week...their plan to tape the door doo-hickie so they could weasel in wasn’t what got them in was a random unsecured door...and in they went for a night of fun. I am sure school today will be super fun for her! Ha! It is really cute seeing her so excited about something...with just 6 mths of high school left the next while is going to be pretty eventful I am sure.

Really looking fwd to Cathy arriving next week and the 2 weeks I have off while she is here so we can chill and relax...I don’t think I have ever been able to take her past visits off entirely so this is a sort of treat.

This weekend...I am gunna make T&A a baked pasta dish...cuz I am nice & they are nice too. Sunday I am attending a lunch/mellow non-loser baby shower @ a pub so that’ll be okay...Mama Tara is due in a few mths with a very UNEXPECTED BABY BOY so I have a few little doodads for her...

Tonight is dog walky night with Donna and maybe Lisa’s dog too if she wants to relinquish that chore for the night...

Monday, October 24, 2011

11 Years

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa
My friend Deanna had this tattooed on herself recently...a fitting quote for life in general.
On this 11th anniversary of my little brothers passing I find myself surrounded by grief...shrouded in the anguish of 2 women who lost their boys to suicide. Nothing spurs perspective like spending hours on the phone with a crying mom missing her in a personal hell over the events that have changed her life forever. Loss is an understatement. How do you comfort someone agonizing over her son being dead on the floor for 4 hours - alone, before anyone got to him? Brokenhearted that she never got to see her son, hold his hand or hug him one last time before cremation...reliving the horror in her mind of his last moment...alone with his dark sadness and sickness...I just sit there quietly weeping along with her - reminded of how life was 11 years ago as I imagined all the same things and obsessed about details and drowned in a well full of WHAT IF's trying to get through the day.
Mindfuckery is the word do you tell someone so deep in guilt, sorrow and their own personal hell that they won't always feel that way...? It is a always feel that way - you just get more used to it...time heals shit all...time just provides people with more opportunity to get better at day to day crap.
I could type about 10 pages worth of my own self indulgent grief drivel right now...but I feel like sitting in the back seat and just trying to focus on others right grief is weathered...I feel like a veteran of this shit...with 11 years experience feeling heartbroken and lost about something I can never change. I have bigger fish to fry...
My brother Glenn would be 35 is he were still alive...I would enjoy laughing at his gray hair as he tried to maintain his hardcore youthful facade or his midlife crisis he would surely be having...or how much child support he would probably be doling out by is weird to imagine him as a full fledged grown up b/c to me he is always this little kid in a floppy hat...even when I dream about him he is usually the little kid I grew up with. Even when he was alive and in his 20's this is what he was to me in my head and heart...
And so it goes...onward we march trying to make sense of it all...I am pondering many topics these days: mental illness stigma, advocacy, prevention, heartburn....fuck I have heartburn a lot these days...I am obsessing kid walks out of the house and I feel like I might have a heart attack...
On the flip side...her coming to Sam Roberts with Donna and I was fun...really nice actually... great seeing her enjoy music like I do. I can see it in her...she has the bug...I gave it to Glenn and to her. ::takes a bow::
It is almost 3 am...this weary broad has to get to bed...I am too old for these late nights...light a candle for the lost boys today....for Glenn, Jesse and Taylor....

Friday, October 21, 2011

onward she rolls...

I got a haircut today. I am not traumatized. I took my hairdresser Alisa chocolate to butter her up and it really was a decent experience...she took too much time bothering to teach me how to be girly but that's ok...she didn't know better and I don't hold it against her. She gave me a good haircut and fixed all my hacking and relayered it all proper so - no drama.

I have not eaten one decent item of food today. Not one. This is rather disturbing.

Tomorrow I am hitting a flick with Lisa in the afternoon...then its the Sam Roberts how in the evening with A. and Donna...I am not allowed to type A's name anymore b/c she doesn't like coming up in google searches on here. Fair enough. Sunday it's the Walking Dead show with Erin, Arf and Esther again!

I have talked to Tere every day this week...I find it as comforting as she does I think...I can gauge how she is at that given moment anyway. It is heartbreaking everyday to hear her speak about Taylor...saying things like she doesn't care that she will never be a Gramma she is just so sad Taylor never got the chance to be a dad...or won't drink his favorite chocolate milk again. At some point it occurred to me without much deep thought that I needed to do something...I have sat for a decade+ wanting to do 'something' helpful and productive in regards to people in crisis...I applied to be a Distress Services is a huge commitment and a lot of training but I figured if I get screened in (no idea if I am cut out for this or if I will pass their requirements) it would be a positive step for me to feel like I am not idly sitting by the phone waiting to get another call about someone I know being gone. Suicide is an ugly ugly ugly mindfuck for anyone who has had to experience the influx of conflicting emotions and anger it kicks up. Loss is loss - I will not argue that and we all deal with loss in our own way but there is a level of fuckery to suicide that is just not present in other is not something I can articulate in words either.

All this madness has driven me to listen to old Sheena Easton music...what the hell!?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

RIP Taylor

Tere & Taylor

I got a call late last night from my friend Tere. I knew immediately from the sound of her voice her son Taylor was dead, before she said it. I even knew why.

I met Tere & Taylor when I worked at the YMCA Daycare in Metrotown/Burnaby the year before I was pregnant. Taylor was this painfully cute little ginger boy with endless energy and a killer smile. Tere was a single mom, struggling to keep afloat in the big city of Vancouver...struggling with a boy who never tired and kept her hopping. She was beautiful - so petite and small in stature but made an immediate impression on me b/c she was tough and independent. At the time I had no idea I would be in her same position a few yrs down the line but when I was she was someone to emulate.

She was amazing with Taylor...her patience with him, her sense of humor about all the shitty things that would happen in life...she always smiled. It was clear where he got his smile from. Taylor was not your typical kid - he had some behavioral/learning issues, if I recall he was ADHD back before it was the popular diagnosis...she got him through high school and graduated...he did try living with his dad when he was a teen but he always came home to his loving momma...Tere worked with him and he got into BCIT! This is a HUGE achievement for someone who struggled to learn traditionally all through high school - he completed 2 years of his journeyman's ticket, was doing well...always smiling, made people laugh, nicest kid ever...He was living on his own and Tere would pick up his laundry once a week and make sure he had clean clothes...he would come to her place and "grocery shop" in her cupboards...he was on top of the world seemingly.

He had started taking some medication that for whatever reason did not serve him well. Tere was unaware that his Gramma took him to get a Rx for antidepressants...I don't know all the details and the coroner/toxicology reports are not in but it sounds like he was one of those rare cases where the medication works the opposite of how it is supposed to (spurring hallucinations, psychosis, suicidal behavior)...and I do not know where Taylor got a gun either but before it was all over there was a police stand off, shots fired at cars outside his house and a 20 year old kid dead by his own hand inside the house. He was clearly not himself.

Needless to say Tere is on autopilot. She drives places and doesn't remember driving there. He was her only child...she spent 20 years giving all of herself to him to ensure he was ok and did well and made the best of his abilities and she did a fantastic job. He really was a lovely kid and this sort of loss is impossible to get over or wrap your head around. It is completely fucking rotten and I am really worried about her...
It has taken her 3 weeks to start telling people who are not immediate family or in their vicinity...when she runs into ppl in the neighborhood who knew them she tells them he was in a car accident b/c she cannot bare to explain it all...she started driving her dog to a dog park far away so she would stop seeing familiar faces...can't say I blame her...she is in counseling thankfully...and is being encouraged to tell the truth...

Most every one's gone home now...and she is alone more she is making the calls to the far away friends who knew Taylor letting them know he is gone...her heart is broken, she is a mess...all the meaning in her life is gone...and I do not know what to say to her b/c I do not know how the hell I would go on either.

I am home today - I couldn't face work looking like a puffer fish and being so raw...this brings up a lot of stuff about my brother of course - it will be 11 yrs he's been gone next never goes away...the ugliness of grief...and losses like Taylor only magnify it and make it all the more crippling in your head and heart. It surrounds us...Wendy losing her son Jesse just 4 mths ago....that poor kid in Ontario this week at 15 who killed himself b/c he said he could not take another 3 yrs of high school nonacceptance and bullying...just b/c he was the only openly gay kid in school...seriously....fuck.

RIP favorite ginger boy...send some good vibes to Tere please...she is going to need them...xo

Saturday, October 15, 2011


and the SIGN WINNER of the day is....


my favorite speaker of the day...kicked ass.



and squishing heads


and squishing heads

awesome nerds

playing light sabers in the sunshine...really liked this...they did not care who saw them either...which makes it even better...and their light sabers made the HUM noises!

New Art Gallery

LOVE LOVE LOVE this mural...I love her....sighhhh

Aldo Nova...

Oct 15 2011 002 by jennzebel
Oct 15 2011 002, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

even though you have a dumb name I love your record A LOT!

picked this up for Harrison...

Oct 15 2011 001 by jennzebel
Oct 15 2011 001, a photo by jennzebel on Flickr.

Occupy a la Jen!

Very interesting day...the Victoria 'Occupy' protest/rally/demonstration/march (whatever you want to call it) was quite a success...I was worried the #'s would be low and embarrassing but there were far more ppl than I expected...esp for the march so that was cool.

Guy, Donna & I went to the Leg Bldgs and heard some speakers...some

were horrific but a few were really excellent. The person hosting the even was rather annoying all but demanding ppl in masks remove them - it got really annoying esp b/c there was not even a slight air of violence or mischief (aside from what was coming from Guy Monty) in the vicinity...

My favorite speaker was the cool asian kid...he put together an amazing presentation/speech and it had some serious balls and heart. His figures were a little skewed (but he may have just misread or misspoke...not sure) but it did not matter b/c his intent was clear...he was pissed and hell bent on exposing the reason why Canada, the US and Europe etc are all in the mess we are in and demanding accountability. FUCKING LOVED IT. I hope that kid goes on to do more of that.

After that we grabbed lunch and then tooled around downtown...hit a few thrift stores...I scored a couple in particular gave me a giant BONER...Aldo Nova's debut LP a la 1982...fml I had this cassette and listened to it like a mofo...totally reminds me of my grandparents trailer on Klahanie Drive b/c it was super big with the JW guys on the street who I would hang around with even though they were forbidden to hang out with HEATHEN JEN and I was forbidden to hang out with them b/c they were nut-bars (Thanks Chuck haha)...'Hang around with' is code for 'meeting @ Scuttle Bay and making out and getting high'.  So yeah I am listening to this record and fucking loving ever moment...though I still hate the same song on it hat I hated back then..."SEE THE LIGHT" - uck - dumb song.

I also found myself a bedroom mirror...At 1st I was going to paint it but the more I look at it in its crazy tacky weirdness I don't think I has a red velvet back on it and is from reminds me of some garish church I will clean it up and hang it and use it as my snow white mirror to blow dry my hair in the AM in my I realized I still blow dry my hair in the living room and I NO LONGER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WAKING ANYONE UP IN THE MORNING WITH THE I am relocating that back to the bedroom!

Tonight I am just chilling...wondering why Lisa Coleman never returns my phone calls...I miss her and she is avoiding all social contact at the moment and it makes it kinda hard to give someone a hand or make a plan to help out WHEN THEY DON'T CALL YA BACK! (Did u hear me COLEMAN!!!!!!!?) Aside from that I am just burping up stuffing and wishing I was not.

I have been selling stuff on usedvic for Tracey all week...and I have made her a nice little pile of money but she still has yet to sell the weird porcelain dolls or the baby george rotisserie and when ppl come over to buy stuff I feel the need to explain that the dolls are for sale and NOT part of my weirdo collection...

Just over 2 weeks til Aunty Cathy is here...

Ayla's grade 12 pics turned out nice I thought...she hates them of course but I really like that she is completely relaxed and not trying to smile in them....I am sure her grad pics will be nice as well...the girl takes a damn good picture. Brat.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


My traveling for the month is complete...My trip south of the border was a great one...a shit ton better than my b'day weekend I can tell you that much. Michelle & Harrison & Mia are fabulous hosts and spoiled me quite madly - above and beyond was a great weekend. We had good hang out time, chats and fun stuff on the go. It was really cool to see Michelle in her own realm...and finally meet H & Mia. Seeing some of Seattle was awesome...I love that city's vibe...I really would like to boat over there for a weekend and just explore downtown and wander about...Ayla is totally on board with this... I said great weekend with great people...thank you guys for making it such a worthwhile time.
The EMP museum was is a music lovers dream, all that paraphernalia...the gift shop was drool-worthy...I bought myself a vinyl copy of The Clash's LONDON CALLING...The Nirvana exhibit was interesting...I am pretty schooled in the timeline of Nirvana's rise and fall so I did not feel compelled to read all the stuff but the unseen items, posters, photos, art work by Kurt, etc were pretty damn cool.
The Jimi Hendrix exhibit was funky too...lots of interactive stuff @ EMP...if you are even in Seattle it is worth a stop.

I ate a donut at ROCKET DONUTS that changed my life...I dunno wtf it was's goodness made me forget it's fooling. Anyhow - it is how every other donut on earth shall be judged now...

No it was not that bacon one in the picture below...I did not go there.

I was certainly schooled in the art of pretend meat this weekend...staying with vegetarians and all...the soy hot dog place in Seattle was kick ass...and the Canadian Thanksgiving feast made with TOFURKEY & QUORN was shockingly good tasting...not even kidding!

I arrived home with no border cop issues at all which was lovely...though I still spent far too much time convinced some low life slipped hash into my carry on bag...

I came home and made a gigantical thanksgiving dinner - Alex came over and chowed with us and hung out while we chatted LIFE LOGISTICS while A. layed on the couch in a carb coma. haha Today I have just tiddled around...back to work tomorrow...booo!

On the road...

EMP/Space Needle, Seattle WA

Funny that on my birthday BC Ferries made it pretty clear that I am a crabby person.


Cyber Dogs in Seattle - the meat free hot dog joint...really cool inside and I have to say the chili dog I ate was pretty good!


Seattle - I Love You.

Yes - that's right...a maple long john with BACON on it. Bellingham's ROCKET DONUTS has some kick ass donuts!

Happiest puffer fish on earth...I loved this thing @ ON RICE where we went for Thai.

The EMP Museum was pretty damn cool...any music fan would enjoy the exhibits and the scene in there.

Harrison, Michelle & I at the SKY CHURCH @ the EMP...biggest and best gigantical screen I have ever seen.

Yep - I ate TOFURKEY! My American friends were thoughtful enough to make me a Canadian Thanksgiving feast and it was pretty damn good considering no meat was involved.

Saturday, October 08, 2011


I am off to see the Benedetti's in Washington this weekend...
REALLY looking fwd to a pleasant border experience this trip so...cross your fingers.

Thanksgiving dinner will be Monday...Lisa is coming to join us...I could not find a chicken that did not repulse me so I got a whack of chicken breasts and am going to make a whack of stuffing and all the other TG stuff and just wing it!

Have a good weekend with whoever you are spending it with...even if u cant stand them much hahaha

Wednesday, October 05, 2011


Some ppl are so weird...I am selling stuff on for a friend of mine and ppl email and haggle and then ask if I can hold it for a month til they have some $ hahahahahaha JFC...

Alex is getting a pug...and naming him Chief Wiggam...I keep calling him Captain Wigwam by mistake.
Puppies are maddening...good luck Alex...I know Lisa is having such a grand time with her puppy Roxi hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (sorry Lisa)...

I am sitting here listening to a my heated wheatie neck thinger on making me sweat...dishes are done...Ayla's pissed at me b/c I suck for a variety of reasons not worth talking about...I have purchased my travel insurance for going to Washington this week...FUN! Really looking fwd to checking out their new place and then hitting Seattle for this: CLICK HERE DOOF! Plus I finally get to meet Michelle's hubster Harrison and little Ms Mia....and have some face to face time with Michelle...! GLORIOUS!

Less than a month til Aunty Cathy visits...weeeeeeeeeee!!!

Lunch making time.....UGH.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011


Well...that was an eventful birthday weekend. That neck issue I had went full blown...Saturday @ the ferry terminal as I watched the ferry pulling in  was standing at the window crying in fucking agony debating with myself about whether I was well enough to go over to Vancouver...the spasms were unrelenting. The charlie horses in my neck every time I moved or thought about moving were awful. I opted to go over and go straight to a Dr office to try and get some anti inflammatory meds b/c there was some serious shit going on. Laura was not impressed with coming to get me in her car and I heard about it the whole ride back to her hood...this did not help with my state of mind at all as you can imagine.

My visit to the Dr was futile. I specifically told him T3s were useless for this pain and I needed some anti inflammatory stuff...he poopoo'd me and Rx's me T3's ffs & a referral for massage that point I was feeling so dire and horrible I gave in and decided since I was there I may as well make the best of the weekend...I am not sure exactly if it was b/c I was in absolute agony or perhaps my old age of 41 but I was finding Laura's company really negative and a downer to say the least...this coming from the cripple...she seemed rather put out that I was there but I had intended to stay at a hotel at the venue and really should have done so b/c I found the whole experience really uncomfortable and awkward. I am not sure why on earth she invited me to stay at her place quite honestly.

As it turned out there was no extra bed at her place...or a couch to sleep on...sleeping on a foam mat on the floor is not good 4 this fatty on a normal day...being completely incapacitated by your busted gibble neck made it that much more horrifying. Had I been thinking clearly I would have booked a room at the venue right then...but I was not thinking well. If I could do it all over again I would have done EVERYTHING differently. But ANYWAY...the friendship has not weathered the test of time and this is not something shocking...we have nothing in common but our history and perhaps in those situations the way to keep things "ok" is 2 keep everything at arms length...oh hindsight, how you rock my world.

Without turning this into a catty asshole post lets just say I will not be pursuing a regular visit schedule with her and plan to let the already limited friendship slide.

Anyway - despite the cost, the pain, the suffering and filth - the SHOW was AWESOME! Liam Finn was FANfuckingTASTIC and it was 1.5 hrs of bliss...LOVED IT!! Excellent live show...super fun...I planted myself in a spot and just kept myself clear of being jostled and it was BLISS...! I left there feeling like not all was lost...could have stuck around to meet him and such but I don't like that sorta thing so I was content to be on my merry way. I am leaving a shit load of details out to spare you the pain and boredom.

Once I finally got home (1 train ride, 1 bus ride, 1 ferry ride, 2 bus rides later) **that's right - no ride to the ferry for gimped Jenny** I gobbled some old anti inflammatory meds I had prescribed to me in the past and thank gawd b/c they worked like a hot damn...I took Mon off to just keep my head still and by the end of the day Mon the swelling was way down and spasms were history...gunna take a few more days worth of AI's and then I should be okay to head to Washington Sat.

Last time I make birthday plans again.