Tuesday, March 31, 2009

help me

Usually when the phones are dead there is paperwork to keep us busy but today there are NO CALLS and we cant do paperwork b/c the network is poopoo'd.
I didn't bring lunch today b/c I knew I had a can of chicken noodle soup at work and I had a boner for that.  Problem turns out that the can I had has the circle/O's for noodles and they are rubbery and fucking vile...like chewing little sphincters...BARF.
All these almonds and grapes should work wonders on my digestive system later.
JUNOS: could Nickelback fuck off already please?
OMG it is only 2 PM.


March 31 2009

1st day back at work in 10 days...this has been the weirdest virus....slowest going anyway. You know, usually your body has a routine for cold and flu virus....and for me within 3 days I am full blown with everything and then its just hell until im on the mend...not this one...as I said I started getting sick last Sat the 21st...by Monday I had an all over feeling of crapness but nothing specific....it morphed into minor symptoms of a few things over the next few days....but still nothing full blown but just enough to render u useless. By the time my vacation days kicked in I felt like crap with a head cold....and just over all blah ness....now im morphing into chest cold which is always the key think I try to avoid when sick b/c I hate coughing more than damn near anything.
I cant predict how this is gunna go b/c this whole germy affair has not been typical for me at all.
I do know though that I am weary of feeling like crap.

The weekend was an adventure despite all of the above. Hot Donna and I drove up to Nanaimo to look around at JYSK and have lunch with my family...was fun...the purpose of the trip was for Guy's big dinner where he was half assed surprised to walk into a hall with nearly 100 ppl staring at him. Guy was honored with the Nature Trust of BC's Conservation Champion Award for all his years of conservation and volunteer GOODNESS! His family was there from all over BC and Washington State and James came all the way from the Yukon or the NWT to be there...plus friends, colleagues etc it was quite a turn out. Needless to say he was visibly uncomfortable but seemed to be adapting (or faking it better) by the time I left. It was a nice night to see everyone there for the same reason, for such a worth while reason. Guy deserves a thank you for all his hard work in the birding community and nature in general.

Was nice to see my family a little too....Kelly and Madelyn were up at Aunty Pam's so I got to see them too...then they drove me home Sunday and we all went to the petting zoo and Madelyn was overstimulated by all the baby goats and retarded kids and adults all over the goat pen. Ayla came too which Madelyn was over the moon about.

I am not even going to talk about the rest of the day b/c Id rather just fucking forget it. Whoever said ignorance was bliss was the smartest motherfucker to ever live.

Did I blather on about meeting Barb yet??!?!?!?! Must go look!

Saturday, March 28, 2009


I am off to Nanaimo today with Hot Donna at the wheel!!!!!
I will explain all the gory details later...and let me tell u the details will be FABULOUSSSSSSSSSSSS b/c they involve things of a stealth and not so stealth nature...



my crazy funny granny would be 90 today if she were alive...

happy birthday!!

Friday, March 27, 2009

itchy bitchy

I just accidentally discovered/downloaded a band ive never heard of so I feel like its xmas...thank you Foamy the Squirrel for leading me to Otep Shamaya, the lesbo vegetarian chick that kicks my ass...she has a blog too! Xmas and Hanukkah all in one! With songs like AND I BURN and BLOOD PIGS and a cover of Nirvana's BREED -I am hooked!

OK so I invented something, here is my story, don't fucking steal it...

Jen's Invention

I don't have much of an upper lip...its there but its not as full as my lower one...im not really bothered by this, it is just an observation.

So last night after eating with chopsticks at The Japanese Village I realized that when I eat there I always eat with the chopsticks for the whole meal...the salad, the rice...the veggies, meat etc. Usually when I use chopsticks its just with sushi and they dont really touch your mouth at all but in the case above they do the whole time.

At the end of the night my upper lip is on fire from the chopstick slivers (yes even when i rub the chopsticks together b4 eating)...I got home and went to look in the mirror b/c my upper lip felt MASSIVELY HUGE and holy crap! it was the size of a PROPER TOP LIP FINALLY!!!! so im staring at it bc its kinda freaky...not angelina or octomom crazy but for me pretty trippy...so thats my new invention...instead of collegen lip injections and bee stings u can just rub bamboo chopsticks in yer lips for that fuller lip look....


Thursday, March 26, 2009


Meeting Barb, Eva, Jerry and Marna today was pretty cool...did some walking...did some eating...no complaints whatsoever...

Something I bet Barb doesn't know about dinner though is that I nearly vomited at the table...hahahaha
The lighting is low and I chopsticked something off my plate that looked like an onion but it was a chunk of steak fat (ohhh gawd I think i just gagged thinking about it)...only took one chew to know but then I was struck with the horror of there not being a paper fucking napkin on the table to elegantly wipe my mouth and spit it into the napkin....they only had cloth ones! arggggggg so while chewing ever so cautiously I decided to try to swallow it whole bc I knew if I kept chewing Id hurl and that would ruin dinner for not just me hahah
So as i gagged this thing back I was gulping water....and managed to do it w/o causing a scene...
was close though....very close...I do not have a good relationship with chewy animal fat...
funny part was as we were getting up to leave i remembered i had kleenex in my pocket....

it was actually a fantastic meal though! Thank you Barb & Jerry for the great day and dining...and the bag of treats :o) xo

Barb B is in the houssssse!

Japanese Village racoon.bear with nipples and a boy dooey!

Jerry, Barb & Eva...pre-dinner experience...man that was a good dinner!

Eva & Barb getting hard ons over the flowers not being under snow here

The Gang! Eva, Barb, Marna & Jerry

Marna, Barb & Jerry on the Ogden Point Breakwater

Eva - right before she was convinced the cement breakwater was moving

im not sure wtf this is but it looks like a headless bird to me...from both angles...

what a loverly family!

Barb and her pet rock!

Long toed nun!

Creepy Nun @ the Ross Bay Cemetery

Barbs 1st encounter with a monkey tree

wicker basket

Ohhhh yes today is the day to meet Barb B and Company...I am sad Michelle and Company weren't able to make it but realistically I am not sure I could handle all that coolness on ONE small area....I could stroke out from it all!

I am a walking talking snot monster so that might fend off HUGS and all that crap....thats my hope...Jen the Hug Avoider
I sound like utter shit today but I feel a little better....Ive had a headache since Saturday and its finally gone today...
It is super freezing in here and im making oatmeal...I just unclogged the kitchen drain with the handy little gadget my friends Jerri and Zed gave me years ago....it has NEVER let me down!


Every single girl should have one! (muahhah)

Speaking of being single...turns out Ayla's dad just left his wife and they're on their way to a divorce...has been interesting conversing with her...I am holdingback a fair bit b/c who knows if they'll get tog. again or not but I am fairly sure at this point in time she has NO IDEA how lucky she is...10 yrs or not she is better off. His MO hasn't changed over the last 16 yrs either...her description of his behaviour is not all that different from back when I kicked him to the curb. Poor Ayla....IM SORRY AYYYYYYYYLAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! But at least he was good for making sure you were super cute!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


March 25 2009 ~ Wow...I haven't been at work in a long time...ive missed 3 days this week and now I have the next 5 off...I still feel like utter shit but it is not fatal...or causing me any deformations.

Tomorrow I get to meet Barb B! She is in town for a small slice of time and I am gunna go hang with her and her gang and then we will be dining at the Japanese Village...hopefully no circus ppl will join us at the table like when Guy and I were there. *shiver*

I have been watching a lot of movies...i just watched PS I LOVE YOU and am more than mortified by the amount of times that movie made me fucking cry....I thought of Arika the whole time (my irish connection grrl) - Arika if u havent seen it have Jason DL it for you so u can blubber yer face off...in between drooling.

Daytime tv has not improved in the slightest since the last time i had too much time suring the day on the couch...this crap with the baby factory lady is really disturbing...she is really fucked up...I pity all her children...

I love you Sinead.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Sister of Dan, sister-in-law of Hot Donna...she is back in town and has now won the award for most creative costume maker/wearer. I cannot wait to see what her and Donna do this Halloween....She made presents for the feet even!

She is cute too...do u think she looks more like
Xena Warrior Princess?

or Amy Lee from whatever that bands name was....
shit i cant remember....

Monday, March 23, 2009

Word of the Day

Monday, March 23, 2009

spoonerism \SPOO-nuh-riz-uhm\, noun:

The transposition of usually initial sounds in a pair of words.

Some examples:
We all know what it is to have a half-warmed fish ["half-formed wish"] inside us.
A well-boiled icicle ["well-oiled bicycle"].
It is kisstomary to cuss ["customary to kiss"] the bride.
Is the bean dizzy ["dean busy"]?
When the boys come back from France, we'll have the hags flung out ["flags hung out"]!
Let me sew you to your sheet ["show you to your seat"].

Spoonerism comes from the name of the Rev. William Archibald Spooner (1844-1930), a kindly but nervous Anglican clergyman and educationalist. All the above examples were committed by (or attributed to) him.

fuck u

in case you thought even for a moment that US ignorance was dwindling....wow...i guess all countries are supposed dump every penny into their war mongering military...

fox news is an insignificant piece of shit - we all know that but....since over 100 canadian soldiers have died over in Afghanistan I can imagine their families are feeling beyond pissed at this shitty ignorant attitude.

it got me

the snot monster got me.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Patricia the Stripper

When I graduated from high school in 1989 (should have been 1988 but I loved grade 9 so much I decided to stay an extra year) I immediately jumped on a bus with my friend Tammy and headed to the mountains. The Rockies. Lake Louise. We secured summer jobs and thought we were king shit of turd island for fleeing Powell River 2 days after grad.

The bus ride there was weird...Tammy immediately had some guy who was ripped on acid glomming on to her...cant recall his name to save my life...Terry I think. Anyway...he creeped me the fuck out b/c anyone who would get that fucked up on acid and then get on an enclosed bus was a freak as far as I was concerned.

3 days after arriving, once we were settled in the room we were sharing she announced she was leaving the next day with The Glommer to go live with him in some shit hole town north of Calgary. OHHH THANKS.
So there I was in Lake Louise...solo. Lucky for me I assimilate well and managed just fine...aside from the job. Chamber maiding is a shit job. Anyone who cleans rooms for a living is workin way too hard for way too little. It was an adventure alright. I learned how to fold toilet paper in a fancy manner...and how to make a bed real spiffy. To this day I do not make my own bed...I toss the blanket over the bed so the cat can't rub its ass on my sheets, that's it.

I worked with/lived with some weird ppl of course. One of them I punched in the face so hard her contact lens's flew out. That was kinda cool...I helped her look for them so I wasn't all evil.
I worked with this little french canadian girl...when we got paired together it was a hoot b/c we never changed the sheets...we were busted for it eventually but they were so short staffed we didn't even get canned...AS IF!
While working we were not allowed to watch TV except for the local Lake Louise channel...all it did was play Chris de Burgh songs..over and over and over...Chris de Burgh LOOPED for 8 hours a fucking day. I think foreign nations should incorporate that into their torture practices. I know a lot of Chris de Burgh songs...they come on and I just know them...it is rather disturbing.

I lasted all summer there...ONLY b/c I got wind that my gramma and family bet I wouldn't last the summer so to spite them all I made sure I did...to the day.
At the end of summer I was so fucking miserable I did acid (last time I have ever done acid too, it was not a pleasant trip) on the night before an early work day and by the time I was to be getting up to go to work I was just coming down and going to bed. Once fired/you quit you have 24 hrs to be off the premises as the housing was provided by the Lake Louise Inn. I was gonzoooooooooo...see below to share in my summertime Chris de Burgh memories...lyrics to follow as well...hahaha

Dennis is a menace
With his "Anyone for tennis?"
And he'd beseech me to come keep the score
And Maude said, "Oh Lord, I'm so terribly bored"
I really can't stand it anymore...

I'm going...out to dinner
With a gorgeous singer
To a little place I found
Down by the key

Her name is Patricia
She calls herself delicia
And the reason isn't
Very hard to see

She said, God made her a sinner
Just to keep fat men thinner
As they tumble down in heaps
Before her feet

They hang around in groups
Like battle weary troops
One can often see them
Queue right down the street

You see, Patricia Or Delicia
Not only is a singer
She also removes all her clothing

For Patricia
Is the best stripper in town...

And with a swing of her hips
She started to strip
To tremendous applause
She took of her drawers

And with a lick of her lips
She undid all her clips
And threw it all in the air
And everybody stared

And as the last piece of clothing
Fell to the floor
The police were banging on the door
On a Saturday night
In 1924

Take it away boys...

Well, Patricia was arrested
And everyone detested
The terrible manner in which
she was exposed

Later on in court
where everyone thought
A summer's run in jail
would be proposed..

But the judge said Patricia
Or may I say Delicia
The facts of this case lie before me
(knock, knock, knock)
Case dismissed...
This girl was in her working clothes...

And with a swing of her hips
She started to strip
To tremendous applause
She took of her drawers

And with a lick of her lips
She undid all her clips
Threw it all in the air
And everybody stared

And as the last piece of clothing
Fell to the floor
The police were yelling out for more (more)
On a Saturday night
In 1924

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


well so much for canadians being smarter than americans.
george w bush is on a SPEAKING tour...that's right ppl..a SPEAKING tour.
in calgary today 1500 ppl paid 400.00 for a chicken lunch and a gwb chat.
you have GOT to be fucking kidding me?


In only 15 Steps, you can jump on the meme train and show your favorite band some love at the same time. Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions.

Pick Your Artist: Matthew Good

Are you male or female: Girl Wedged Under the Front of a Firebird

Describe yourself: Champions of Nothing

How do you feel about yourself: Strangest One of All

Describe where you currently live: In a World Called Catastrophe

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Running for Home

Your best friend is: Indestructible

Your favorite colour is: Poor Man's Grey

You know that: She's Got A New Disguise

What's the weather like?: Blue Skies Over Bad Lands

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?: 21st Century Living

What is life to you?: Bright End of Nowhere

What is the best advice you have to give?: Look Happy, It's The End Of The World

If you could change your name, what would it be?: Carmelina

Your favorite food is: Truffle Pigs

Monday, March 16, 2009


1st it rained like a mofo today...then it was sunny and hot...then it snowed...wtf?

thats me....going to No Doubt with Donna in July when its really hot out and u all know what im like in the summer...muahahhahhaa

can u believe that shit? and do u wanna know why i was in her room? b/c like every other weekend i was woken up by her alarm clock b/c she leaves the alarm turned on, sleeps over at a friends and then i have to flail into her pig sty room and shut it off when im dead asleep.

i think we know who deserves a good eyebrow shave here.

haha @ the Bay!

ok so recently i stumbled upon this coupon in a magazine...spend 25.00+ on a regular priced item at the Bay and receive 25.00 off.

yeah- so im thinking I CANT GO WRONG HERE! so i make a list of possible things to look 4 that i am already planning to buy...i never shop at the bay b/c its really expensive generally for my liking and the temp in the fucking 5 level store at the bay center mall is always 5 degrees warmer than the rest of the mall that's already too hot...so i never go there...but i figure if i can find some overpriced thing im already looking for then i might break even:

a heavy type thingy to hold my cooking utensils and wooden spoons on the counter

a lamp shade

splatter stopper


all i could find was a splatter thinger and it was 35.00 - 25.00 = 10.00 - I can live with that...so thats what i got this high falooting fancy cooking splatter guard with a handle that folds away nicely for easy storage. i am a fucking genius. (yes im aware i could have gone to the dollar store and bought one for 2 bucks but they suck and my sponge fibers get caught on them and they wont last more than 2 yrs and itll be garbage, this mother i will have until i die)

what gov't workers do on days off

Friday, March 13, 2009

16 candles

Don't care what anyone says......the movie 16 Candles is still fucking funny and I love it whenever I see it on TV...

Work today was interesting. I am amazed EVERYDAY @ the absolute ignorant schoolyard bullshit that I observe...thank fucking Hades the main schoolyard bully is retiring this fall...I just wish someone would punch her in the face...right smack in the face...knock a few more teeth out...enough to shut her the fuck up for 5 mins so ppl can get some damn work done. Unbelievable.

Ayla is at her friend Marina's birthday sleepover tonight. Tomorrow I am going to see Che Part 2...I am so excited I could piddle. I am going with Donna b/c that is just how it has to be since we saw the 1st one together.
Donna said she found me something on usedvictoria.com that she is picking up tomorrow...I am VERY curious...its something small...and its not a monkey. That's all I know. Here are some possibilities:


I am digging the toe a lot hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa If it is one of these items that would be REALLY weird hahaha


That's right...thank gawd its fucking Friday.
Mar 13 2009 here folks...what do u say about a co-worker who had the forethought to put an OUT OF OFFICE email response on his email the day BEFORE he called in sick saying he would be out of the office the next day...?

Wow...I am enthralled with the lack of cunning and over abundance of stupidity on that one. Sadly there is no recourse...busted or not...nothing will become of it...so not only do u get to be USELESS at your job you get to call in sick as planned - Fuck I wish I had that power....this co-worker is like a superhero...he KNOWS when he is gunna wake up with a *headache* before hand so he can program email and such...AMAZING!! HE should call himself SUPER DEADBEAT EMPLOYEE!!!
Ryan McMahon tomorrow night at Spiral...otherwise no plans for the whole weekend aside from writing my column up and being treated like dung by my teenager.

I am reading a book currently recommended by my good friend Buffy who has a daughter of similar age - who suffers as I do on a daily basis with the teen rage and illogical interactions...
I am not one for reading books about parenting but this one apparently offers some very useful tools in how to NOT ENGAGE when your teen is baiting the motherfuckingshit out of u so im giving it a whirl.

I feel as if my soul has been redeemed (somewhat haha)...our apt bldg sold and the new owners have given up the gift of recycling....I can not tell you how HIDEOUS its been having no recycling here...we had paper recycling only so I was having to shop with *packaging* in mind which is a good thing but VERY limiting and often more expensive choosing the best alternative to the worst alternative.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Mar 9 2009 (yesterday)

Oh…gawd. The computers network is down so there is SHIT FUCK ALL to do at work today thus far and its 11 am already. It’s been a boring morning of reading and letter writing.

Gotta say that 3D Ultrasound was pretty cool…certainly worth the 200 bucks…u can already tell the wee lad is gunna be cute…the gender was well received of course…no one rioted or had a seizure at all…not that I expected anyone would actually be disappointed for real or anything…was just kind of an on-going joke about how we only have girls.

I can not believe how much it is snowing today…wtf! It is MARCH! I hope it doesn’t stick and turn into a friggin mess like a few months back.

I am listening to the grunting of a maintenance man as he reroutes a thermostat…he is the only person in this area actually working. Oddly enough we are all eager for the network to be back up and running b/c it is boring as shit. I look fwd to it getting busy again too b/c the days go by so fast and you feel like you actually accomplished something. Sloth or not I would always rather WORK at work. I am suffering all sorts of tax payer guilt right now…I am not even kidding.

Filled out my passport app today and I have to get another set of pictures done b/c my set was taken in Feb 2008. Ugh - Money NOT well spent. That’s ok though b/c the ones I have are so butt fucking nasty I am glad to get a 2nd chance in hopes the new set wont be so hideous. U don’t realize how NON SYMMETRICAL your face is until u get a straight on, black and white passport picture taken. Fuck…it’s like I was dropped on my face as a kid…why are my nostrils so different from each other?! RUDE!!! If nothing else I should be guaranteed symmetrical nostrils!!!!!!!!

My mother hasn’t officially accepted the xmas invite yet….she has recently emailed me to see if she would be able to come for a week.
This is what I kind of expected…She will do all the cooking, we will play scrabble & watch movies and we will torture Ayla and make her play other games with us…She will not be around much of course b/c she will be working and socializing (escaping)…I will avoid any and all shopping excursions even if I have to fake severe diarreah…

Monday, March 09, 2009

piece of shit

if any of u go see the Watchmen I will hunt you down and flog u with a dead porcupine.

how do u spell piece of shit? W-A-T-C-H-M-E-N

not even Dr Manhattans blue penis and all that full frontal nudity could save it...it was a poorly delivered piece of hollywood trash and had Shawn not made me sit in the middle of the aisle I would have left after a half hour...instead i sat writhing from the torture...it really is baddddddddddddddd...and it is NOT a short movie...its nearly 3 hrs of crap...i found myself waiting desperately for the wrap up and it just never seemed to come..............

gawddddddddddddddddddddddddd.......i think im damaged by it.