Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Jen is a....

cranky near menstruating vicious badger....

I am a walking, talking PMS cliche. This is my life. Right now.

Fucking awesome.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Little Baby Butt!

Yesterday I went with Adrienne and met Wendy and Jim's newly adopted newborn baby...omg its weird how u forget how teeny they are...I love standing and holding little baby's with their little butts in my hand as I rock them...its effortless when they are so small - all u have to worry about is an arm cramp. lol It was quite lovely....made me feel all warm inside and out...reminding me of the good ol days...sighhh.

Hot Donna is BACK! WOOOHOOOO! Thank gawd - not a moment too soon either. Sounds like she had a decent time but it MAY have been a little long by the sounds of it and HOT...omg for Donna to say it was excessively warm you know it was sickening. Looking fwd to seeing her brown self this week!

Sat night I went to Tracey and Adrienne's with my SEQUENCE game and they wiped the floor with me. They kicked my ass...I did win ONE game but it doesn't really count when 3 turns get played after b/c you didn't even NOTICE u won hahahaa Rematch is required...if they kill me again I will accept defeat and acknowledge that the 2 of them are more evil than I thought.

Last week I met up with Patrick and Teri...Patrick used to work at Money Mart and was one of my favorites...he and his wife Teri are expecting in Dec. and that was a pleasant surprise...babies all over...Katrina form MM just had a baby too wh0 I really want to go meet...BABIES EVERYWHERE! I love it!

Ummm BLOGGER your picture uploading tool that's apparently NEW AND IMPROVED sucks as much as the old one...in case u wondered...half the time I can't upload pictures. RUDE.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Baby Jesus Awesome-a-Thon

I have finally stopped asking myself if I have gained or lost an hour from DST and my trip to Alberta earlier this month.
Yesterday was XMAS TWIG HUNTING DAY....I arranged for my LOVING friend Lisa to take me up to Mount Douglas where there are a poop load of arbutus trees for me to get a new twig so I can hang my pickles and such this year. We get up there and this is how the whole ordeal played out:
I managed to find the ONLY icy patch on that fucking parking lot where the sun hadn't come around enough to melt the ice and I walked straight through it all driven and mesmerized by the potential branches just feet away from me. I gotta say my wipe out was not only UNIQUE...it was somewhat creative as well. I didn't just fall...I  SPRAWLED. I kind of star-fished but also managed to roll somehow...I know this happened b/c I managed to land on my whole giant front SPLAT but ended up with a dirty soaked road muck ass (yes I am sure it was road muck)...I was truly saved by my tits (seriously - there were 2 big giant wet circles where I landed on my boobs!) and my purse - they took the brunt of my fall/roll/sprawl - that was also, I might add, in amazing SLOW MOTION!!! Oh yes it was quite something I bet for Lisa...who this whole time is laughing her fucking head off about 12 feet away. I laid there laughing until I realized I was cold and wet from road muck...but I couldn't really get up (RE: Bambi on the frozen lake in the cartoon) b/c I was laying on ice. I even called her over to help me...did she come? Nooooooooo she managed to say through the tears and laughter that *AND I QUOTE* "no way you aren't taking me down!" -- she hadn't even heard the story yet of that time I was walking down a hill when Ayla was little and my hiking boot lace flew over from my left boot and hooked on to a hook on my right boot...TIMBER!!!! I took Ayla down with me that time...we even had cars pulling over to stop and help us it was THAT GOOD!...ANYHOW - so I managed to get up and off the road to assess the damage...knee feels a little tender but I can tell I haven't broke any skin which is always a treat. We carry on...only Lisa is still laughing and I am laughing/crying and trying desperately not to fall again...my camera (which was in my purse) survived the impact believe it or not...Lisa pretty much laughed all day...and did not feel at all phased by my accusatory BAD FRIEND COMMENTS b/c she wouldn't help me get off the road. DAMN U LISA COLEMAN! DAMN U hahahahaha
I ended up finding awesome twiggage! See the picture below...and click on it...there is a bunch there as I was reveling in my new baby jesus's and other oddities required for proper tree decoration!

I am not dead today but certainly feel my knee is quite sore but not fatally...and I have a few pulled muscles from the SPRAWL/FLAIL but all in all its better than my last few attempts at nature....u remember the barnacle swimming nightmare in September...or the August trip to the woods with Donna where she fell into the deep pond with her new cell phone in her pocket. I think natures trying to tell me to stay in the city.


Nov 27 2010 041
Originally uploaded by jennzebel

Friday, November 26, 2010



Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Snow Death

Ayla & I are both sick.

How weird that at 16 she is starting to be plagued by severe tonsillitis just like I was at 16 - I ended up having to get mine removed that same year.

She is home...I am going to work out in this shit today...I am sure getting to work will be a complete shit show. Yesterday we ventured downtown...did a bit of running around then tried to catch a bus somewhere....40 mins and 3 blocks later we said fuck it and got off the bus and walked home in the cold windy mess...took us FOREVER b/c we stopped at Wendy's...the pet store...the grocery store...the liquor store...the thrift store....to warm up lol

Saturday, November 20, 2010


WHEW! Ok I have some time to blather on so look out.

Trip to Alberta was a grand success...though I will admit rather freely and openly I am still too fat to fly. They make airplane seats far too small for fatties...seriously ONE THIGH fit comfortably in that fucking seat - the rest of me needed butter to squish in...the old guy beside me seemed fairly unbothered by me boxing him in...thanks old guy - u are a good sport. On the way home I didn't have anyone in the middle seat so that kicked ass. Aunty Cathy booked the bet seats of course as she knows the horrors of flying as anon-skinny person...AISLE SEAT CLOSE TO THE FRONT. She is AWESOME! I may have cried if I was booked for a middle seat.

Arrived in Edmonton incident free...managed to kick the 4 day migraine the night b4 by hitting the doctors office and getting some migraine meds...fuck what a mess I was...I mean I am fairly emotional to begin with but add in stress and migraine - holy shit. So I arrived at Cathy's rather DUH as I worked all day and then flew there with a migraine hangover and general travel fatigue...but her house is homey and cozy and lovely and the long drive to her place from Edmonton was great for chatting. Her new place is fab and her spare room is DIVINE...that Murphy Bed is AWESOMELY comfy so that was a great perk!

Cathy took me on a grand tour of some of their property...we saw deer, a giant friggin moose that scared the bejesus outta me and explored a beaver dam/area - which I totally LOVED...Cathy is an excellent tour guide actually...I loved it!

The trip to Torrington to see the dead gopher museum was great...I did realize half way there how ridiculous I am...its almost a 4 hr drive to get there...yeah u heard me...and I was sure to thank Cathy and Robert for appeasing me bc I am quite sure they both had better shit to do that day...lol
Met Adele there and then after the dead gopher extravaganza Adele and I drove toe Red Deer to go visit with Connie! It was a FLASHBACK...the last time the 3 of us were together it was in Red Deer 20 some yrs ago and we were all drunk at the shit hole Windsor hotel and it was UGLY...I will leave it at that. SO THIS WAS MUCH BETTER! Got to meet her girls FINALLY...Kaitlyn and Cara are lovely...and crazy rambunctious kids - dunno how Connie does it at 40. Good on her.
Had a visit and dinner there then it was rush time to leave for Adele to drop me off to meet Cathy and Robert for the long drive home...did I mention they were awesome hosts and humored me graciously? Need to get longer visits in with Adele and Connie for sure next time...

My sister Kim and her boyfriend Rob came the next day...they are lotsa fun b/c they bicker and play fight and its entertaining...plus I never get to see my little sister near enough so my visits with her are precious...Cathy too...I really don't see either of them enough and it sucks ass.
K & R stayed over and headed out the next day so Cathy and I watched tv all day on the couches and it was glorious haha JHC the dinner Cathy made for us all the night b4 - omg. MEAT BALLS N GRAVY, HAM, CREPES OF GOODNESS, VEGGIES, LAZY CABBAGE ROLLS, SMASHED POTATOES and LEMON MERANGE (sp) PIE! Fuck...I ate so much I thought I was giving birth all night.

The drive into the airport Monday was fine but it was too soon for me..I would have loved to stay longer if I had the time off! Went to Costco...got treated to lunch and a Costco card (thank you!) and looked around a bit...looking fwd to hitting Costco with Donna and Lisa in the future! Flight home was uneventful...not having to squish in beside someone was great...still gotta say flying is NOT my favorite. I am not afraid to fly but I guess its likely common to have a feeling and great uneasiness wash over you while taking off and landing...I am always waiting 4 a crash.

I arrived home the same day Ayla left for Powell River...so it was quiet at home...aside from Graeme annoying me on a very deliberate basis...I had my appt with the surgeon re: the gallbladder removal. Gawd...wait 7+ mths to get in to see him....then @ 840 you go in (my appt was for 8 am...grrr) and he speaks to u for 8 mins and says YEP BETTER GET IT OUT...LIKE WHY THE EFF CANT THEY JUST PUT U ON A WAITING LIST FFS!! Anyhow...details on that to follow once I hear from my Dr I guess.

Work was STINK busy! No time to think let alone fug the dog...all caught up now...OHHH and it appears as though they are working twds making me permanent there...WOOOOOOOO! I never wanna go on another fucking job interview again in my life after this last year of complete BS failure...lolim telling myself anyhow. I do hate the location of this job but upon closer reflection the perks out weigh the negative...its a great small office, nice ppl and no seniority BS for vacations, its super flexible and my boss is a gem so....its all good...oh and I wont be union which is nice...i get the union perks but not the BS.

Ayla gets home today...IM EXCITED! I haven't seen her in ages! Shes being nice to me currently too so that helps! lol

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Still getting settled...too busy at work to blog dammit....too tired tonight and blog - dammit!

The Farm

Dead Gopher Museum

the rest are here.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Alberta - here I come...

4 day migraine sent me to the Dr yesterday...got some stuff that seems to have killed it...my brain feels like mush but I am so relieved all I can do is rejoice...back to work today...then right after work I will zip home with Lisa and grab my stuff and head to the airport...I leave at 730 pm...looking forward to the next day so Cathy and I can just CHILL!

Ayla, Graeme and I worked on 2 of Ayla's science projects with her last night...gotta say it was actually fun even if I was completely brain dead. (Maggie - both Ayla and I made mention that we wished u were there so you could help lol)
She is nearly caught up...and I hope getting back on track...we had a mini breakthrough yesterday as I lost my mind in a migraine meltdown - she HUGGED me ffs! It was glorious!! She has feelings!!!!! I love it :)

Should be good and busy at work today...Aunty Cathy has dial up...will try to update but...I am not known for being patient. lol

Sunday, November 07, 2010

DST Can Suck My Balls

Gawd I hate it...last night after a full day of migraine (induced by retardedly horrible blood pressure), T3's and a few drinks with friends over I realized it was DST and proceeded to turn the clocks FORWARD an hour in the presence of Graeme, Amanda and Erin - none of which had the ability to see this error and correct b4 it was too late. So at 8 am I wake up all mind-fucked....and think "wow its super dark out..." - I go about my morning and see the computer says its 623 am...but all the clocks I changed say its 823... ----------INSERT SILENCE HERE------------...for fucks sake...I am up on a Sunday at 6 a-fucking-m for no good reason.... I ended up going 4 a walk...its now 813 am for real....and I feel like I have been up for days already...

So now I am listening to Rick Springfield (and other 80's delights like Sheena Easton, Aldo Nova, Missing Persons, etc) & writing to you fine ppl...I finished the RS memoir...sigh...Erin already borrowed it...The time line in which he wrote the book was interesting b/c as I read it I would think back to where I lived and what I was doing at the same time and gauge the RS love I had going on at that time...it never went away but I had phases...here are the music phases as they happened in my life:
GRADE 4-5: The Cars, ABBA, Crystal Gayle, Grease Soundtrack, Bee Gees, Trooper, K-Tel LPs & 8 Tracks!
GRADE 6-7: The Babys, Pat Benatar, Loverboy, Rick Springfield
GRADE 8-10: Motley Crue and all other 80s hair metal crap
GRADE 11-12: Metallica, Queensryche, Anthrax, etc
The summer after grade 12 all I listened to for the whole summer working in Lake Louise was April Wine....that is seriously it...well and Chris DeBurgh but not by choice...we were only allowed to have 1 channel on the tv at work while we cleaned hotel rooms and it looped Chris DeBurgh ALL FUCKING DAY...I went from knowing not one of his sings to now knowing the lyrics for everything that was looped that summer.
By the time I was 19 I stumbled upon an album by Pearl Jam called TEN - prior to the grunge explosion when I lived in Vancouver...I fell instantly in love...then all the fucking sudden in about a span of 6 mths to a year TEN was all over the fucking place and Pearl Jam hit the big time...and Grunge swallowed me up...til after I was knocked up in 1993....once I gave birth to the evil maternal heart breaker I live with now in 1994 the mommy hormones swept in and it was all about Sarah McLachlan and Jewel kinda stuff for a few years...somewhere around then Matthew Good entered my psyche via my brother...which would lay dormant really until 2002ish. In the mean time I shed the girly music and morphed back into kick ass....

Wow...how fucking boring was that for all of u? lol I like how I talk like I have a giant audience or something. ha ha haaaaa

OFFSPRING TALK is OFF LIMITS. I lack the coping skills to properly deal with how I am feeling currently and just wanna get the fuck out of this life for a few days and be someone else...and I am gunna be someone else and go visit my lovely Aunty Cathy - which is LONG OVER DUE...Wed night - Monday night JENNIFER HAS LEFT THE BLDG.

Good times with the lesbos last night...it was GEEKS IN THE LIVING ROOM and COOLNESS IN THE KITCHEN last night...Graeme and Amanda played zombie killing Wii shit and talked incessantly about nerdy shit all night whilst drinking and eating hummus...Me and Erin sat in the kitchen laughing at the nerds in the living room and talked about some serious shit. lol Although im sure Amanda and Graeme would argue that zombie survival tactics is VERY SERIOUS SHIT.

I love you Charlie Sexton...I am sorry you had to beat so lonely - you wouldn't have if I was there.
CLICK That is SO gunna be my next FB status.
I am off at noon to hang with Lisa and Jackie today...lunch, some bulk shopping, a movie...gunna see DUE DATE...

Friday, November 05, 2010

Fuck You Friday

Ohhh it is FUCK YOU FRIDAY here in my head...as well as REMEMBER REMEMBER the 5th of NOVEMBER...oooh yes what a day it is indeed. After work I have some errands to run so by the time Iget home I will be ready to sit on my couch and put on V for VENDETTA and get lost in that movie for a few hours.

I am right off my fucking rocker today....”some” say I am premenopausal and should practice better parenting while I say how about you go fuck yourself. That’s right Ayla you teenage self absorbed monster – go fuck yourself. A human being can only take so much before you just get too tired to try anymore. Being accommodating and nice and trying to be “chill” about shit that bugs the shit out of me can only last so long when you are consistently shit on, lied to and taken advantage of so yeah... premenopausal, premenstrual, cranky, tired, weary or whatever other word you wanna use to try and shift blame away from yourself – call it what you will – I call it fed up and done tip toeing. Let’s see how it feels for her to get treated how she treats me. She won’t fucking like it anymore than I do.

With that said and done...tomorrow night we are having the Raging Lesbos over for snacks and Wii...then Sunday I am doing lunch with Lisa & Jackie...and a movie too I think. I will be done my Rick Springfield Memoir by tomorrow sadly...kinda wanted it to go on and on but...I lose. I quite enjoyed it...mentally referring to his life circumstances to mine......being that he’s over 20 yrs older it’s so funny to know in his 30s while I was 11 and wanted to marry him he was going through a pile of stuff...

The job I was hopeful for looks to be dead in the water – they have reposted 2 of the positions and seeing that 3 were available when I applied they clearly only hired 1 person and I haven’t heard shit so....do the math. I pretty much did a mental internal snap upon realizing that and just became instantly done. Told my current boss to go ahead and make this job thing go permanent if she can despite my misgivings...there are some cool perks: great office vibe and 3 good ladies to work with, flexibility and freedom for scheduling etc...but FUCK I hate the location and the distance it is (too far to walk for this fatty) and the bldg is a pile of shit.....TOO HOT ALL THE DAMN TIME. U might think those things are no big deal but 4 me they are huge. It is demoralizing x 3894758347583745 to walk into a scorching hot bldg every morning and sit in HEAT all winter as fans roar and the windows are cranked open...its fucking ridiculous. Plus this job is a fine job but it isn’t taking me anywhere and I have already maxed out the challenge aspect of it at the 6 mth mark sadly.

Fuck is the word of my day apparently...

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

And he is OUTTA hereeeeeeee


Thor the Unmighty!

So I am in Shoppers the other day – and I have my headphones on in the line up and see the cashier’s name tag says THOR...I am thinking that is a pretty powerful tough as name to give a baby....pretty funny really...then it’s my turn to pay and I take my earphones out and giggle inside b/c THOR has the most girly gay voice on earth and I would venture 2 say even though my gaydar is the shits – he is gay. THOR the GAY LOVER! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa I love the irony...

Halloween is over...I let Graeme paint me up like a Borg/zombie/weirdo to appease him...its his favourite holiday I think and we had no plans to do shit all so it seemed right to let him get all jazzed about turning me into some ugly freak...NOTE TO SELF: at 40 when you have big pores getting dark eye shadow applied to your whole face is a bad idea LOL

Last night we did the evil deed and hit the big box stores that I always avoid going to...Walfart and Best Buy and Future Shop. As usual I hated FS...they just suck. Quite loved Best Buy though – 1st time in one...got good service and the product I wanted was there so...all was well and good. I was getting a jump on xmas shopping 4 the kidlet as I am pretty sure waiting to Dec to do this crap is a bad idea when u are looking 4 something SPECIFIC. Walfart was a shit show as always – fuck I hate that whole new UPTOWN complex...its idiotic and stupidly laid out I swear. Shouldn’t have to go back forever now thank Christ.

The kid and I are getting on again after some talking and such...I think things are on track...it is a bit of a mess at school though but nothing that can’t be worked through...really not in love with this new high school...u would think some sort of parental notification would be set up if a kid misses a certain amt of school...Yeah not really. I let them know that was utterly ridiculous and they informed me their call back system was down...UHHH YEAH I CAN SEE THAT JACKASSES. That is a pretty important thing to let be down for 2 fucking mths.

Funny email today...my 3rd failed attempt to get an EAW position got me booted out of the EAW hiring pool ...hahahah I seriously could not help but laugh at that...I thought the 3rd try would be my last one and sure enough...BOOT! hahahaha Guess that was not in the cards. Let me tell you though if that pool opens up again I am so applying just to see if they let me back in haha

Donna is off! She should be landing in Fiji in the next hour...then 3 hrs later in Brisbane Australia...she will arrive there and it will be 9 am or something so it’ll make for a long 1st day that’s for sure. She isn’t home for 28 days... Rude. I am sure her and her aunt will have lotsa fun and she will have lotsa crazy stories for me.
I am off to see Aunty Cathy (and Kim and Connie and Adele etc) Nov 10...flying to Edmonton and then coming home the 15th. Woohoo! Haven’t flown for quite some time...but there is a whirlwind of plans made and it will be fun – Chill out the 11th, drive to the Dead Gopher Museum the 12th, go visit friends in Red Deer the 12th...then the 13th and 14th Kim and Rob will hopefully be able to come up to Cathy’s for an overnight visit...and Adele is gunna weasel in a visit somewhere too...WOOHOO – then I fly home on the 15th. I go to see the gallbladder surgeon guy on the 16th 1st thing in the morning so that should be interesting...seeing as it took me 2389758345 yrs to just get a referral I am sure the waiting list to get the GB of Death out should be fantastically long. Always an optimist.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010