Saturday, September 28, 2013

This & That

Hope you all enjoyed my last post about my most recent tumble that could have potentially destroyed my ability to ever walk again...still walking a bit gimpy and slow but it is not permanent or fatal as far as i can tell so as long as its ok by is all good.

Plan is to take it easy all weekend...not moving it works best...and gawd knows I am good at doing shit all. A champion quote the great Matthew Good...Champion of Nothing. Pam & Jim are supposed to be here but they missed the ferry and it is windy so I dunno if it'll happen now.

Still not loving the shit sandwich I live know the landlady above me again...with her kids living under I have a hope in hell of never being pissed off at the double standard that is now my life. I have the pleasure of listening to the baby downstairs 'cry it out' all. the. fucking. time...and by pleasure I mean DISPLEASURE. Babies crying stirs great discomfort in me...anxiety my mind and heart when babies cry you comfort problem solve to figure out what is wrong. sometimes you can't but you die trying ffs. You do not assume they are being manipulative or trying to control you thus leaving them to cry to show them they have no power over you. This cry it out mentality is misguided and lazy fucking parenting and I hate it...and resent it more when I am subjected to the noise of it. I try really hard not to judge ppl parenting b/c I know what that is like (sucks balls) but JFC...if it is midnight and you live in a old wood apartment building sharing walls on every side of your screaming kids bedroom perhaps you should rethink your archaic bullshit parenting tactic and go comfort your child you jack-holes. They are not bad people or anything, they are personable and nice enough...I laid in bed last night fantasizing about the landlady above me calling me pissed off b/c she can hear my TV in my room so I could tell her I was using it to drown out the crying fucking baby noise from her kids apt and to suck my dick...never happened though.

I hate this neighbor shit...I do not complain abt ppls noise b/c we are all entitled to have company over and live it up some times...or crank our favorite song or TV show from time to time...or laugh loudly...or whatever. The minute there is noise here we get a call or a stomp and it infuriates a degree I cannot articulate...and there will come a time when I snap on that fucking gestapo landlady and I will enjoy every moment of the verbal assault - detailing the hypocrisy of this situation and her part in it...need her as a gawd damn reference though first which is another reason this situation infuriates me...if I do not handle the situation just right I end up fucking myself. Ughhh!

I am stressing about the series finale of Breaking Bad tomorrow night....fackkkkkkkkkk...I dunno how they will cram it all into 1 hour and 15 mins. Kim and Ayla and I will probably be rolling on the floor crying about it, that is my prediction.

Looking fwd to a full week at work next week...never thought you'd hear that from me did you? The volume of work is harder to accomplish if days are missed...constant catch up mode which I do not enjoy b/c I am a spazz. By the end of August I had already read the years previous #s so there is a significant increase in documents coming in this year...6500+ is my prediction for this year. That is a lot paper crossing my desk...

Last night after work I wander out to bus stop on Douglas and there are cops everywhere in front of the mall...they have part of the street blocked off which fucks the buses up but my theory is something bad must be going on so buses really aren't likely top priority...Because I am a genius I get on the 1st bus that was not mine just to get my out of downtown and I caught a different bus home that comes from another part of town and is unaffected by the downtown business. Turns out a woman is on the roof of the mall threatening to was the 2 year anniversary of Taylor's suicide yesterday as it seemed really ominous and terrible honestly thinking someone else was at the end of their I am walking to this other bus and can see the lady standing on the roof...awful...and I see this woman on the corner...she's in her 50's...old enough to know better and should have the social graces to know it is not OK...she's taking pictures of the woman on the roof with her iPhone...seriously. I walked by her and called her a dick....I was so pissed off...disgusting behavior from a person who likely has kids of her own and should be able to imagine that if it was her kid on that roof gawkers and picture takers would be distasteful and downright horrid. In the end they got her off the roof...which was good to hear...but another moment where hope for humanity is chipped away.

Sounds like Tere had a very big celebration for Taylor planned for last night...dinner, fireworks etc. The worst day of her life for the rest of her life...still cannot imagine.
I have pulled way back from that situation...self preservation...was just too much. There was just no balance which is no ones fault but my own is a shitty situation but it was time for me to take the reigns and drive and I opted for distance. It has made me see why so many disappear when tragedy befalls is not as simple as 'they are just bad friends'...I don't think it needs to mean the person just sucks....more likely the person does not possess the skills and coping mechanisms to handle other ppls grief and their own at times...esp watching someone in grief making terrible choices and life decisions and having no real ability to start feeling like you are watching a Jerry Springer episode and it is not in your best interest to bare witness to such fuckery. Lots of guilt involved can you ever have a conversation with someone who lost their only child about my living, breathing daughter without feeling like a giant sack of shit...? Seriously? I am keeping in touch minimally via email/ feels shitty but it feels shittier being totally immersed...and I feel shitty about that is not about me in the discomfort with this situation is nothing, I am very aware of that...but I am not good at being fake...and being someones friend out of guilt, obligation, duty or whatever is not something I can maintain. I hope I got her through a bad spell or two b/c that was my drag her through that darkness towards a crack of light...the truth is we never had a previous friendship that was a solid base to find our way back was all about Taylor and he being my favorite kid at daycare a million years ago...
I never got to see Taylor as a grown up...he will always be this cute little ginger pre-schooler to me...the way he died will always haunt me as I am sure it haunts everyone who ever knew him...his mothers sorrow is impossible to articulate...such sadness, unspeakable sadness.

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Splats

I do not to 'the splits' - I do 'the splats'. In fact I just did the splats on Saturday. Completely by accident. Against my will. In grand fashion.

Not how I looked!
I have a bit of a reputation for falling. Not just tripping and such but falling and seriously injuring myself. I haven't fallen in a long time so I guess I was due for the humdinger on Saturday. Truth is, I am usually careful b/c after seeing Hot Donna's broken ankle I do not EVER want that in my life...ever. But as you well know these things are rarely planned...and my latest wipe out was not only unplanned it was really weird too.

Picture this...very small kitchen with lino that Aunty Pam has just washed...I am standing on the carpet and I take 1 step back...that foot hits the wet lino and takes off like a fuggin' rocket. The other foot is firmly planted on the carpet and is NOT moving. See where this is going...?

Not only did this fat girl do a violent version of the splits (aka the splats) she smashed into the stove behind her with much force which must have been quite the scene for Jim...thank gawd Pam was looking the other way b/c I think she would have pissed her pants laughing otherwise.

So - I go down hard, with a loud clatter and I feel a popping/rip in the back of my thigh (not my pants - turns out them muscles are your hamstrings...hello hamstrings....) that I have never felt before in my life. I just laid there weeping briefly...trying to decide if I was going to die of embarrassment or thigh pain...omfg it hurt like a mofo...I had a baby without crying or making much noise so it's not like I am lacking pain tolerance....I eventually pulled myself up...careful to not RE-SLIP. Probably wouldn't have survived that. ha! I could feel this was not my typical injury that I usually feel the next day....I could already feel it and knew I effed it pretty nice...we carried on with the day...I was slightly more useless after that then I was previous to the wipe out.

By the time we got home that night around 8 pm....I had ice on it and knew I would be feeling it even worse the next morning...and I was correct...the day after was the I didn't have to work and I ditched the volunteer shift I usually do to rest and is on the

mend but tomorrow when I go to work I am a bit anxious about stepping up on to the bus and stepping off the bus...I can only take small slow steps and that is not really bus-like behavior. Mind you getting into and out of a cab doesn't appeal to me either so...the bus wins.

Sitting all day is going to be an issue...we will see how it goes.

So yeah...coordinated as ever...but still hobbling!

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Perception Warped

Was toodling around on Facebook the other day and under another friends post I saw a familiar name. Ed Oldfield. THE Ed Oldfield. My art teacher from Brooks Jr. High in Powell River. Like many underachievers art was my favorite class...and Mr. Oldfield was a really interesting guy. I recall his persona as cool, stern/no-nonsense and somewhat intimidating. He walked with a bit of a limp which I always assumed was due to something completely bad ass. I have no idea though...he could have had arthritis in his hip for all I knew.

Naturally, I had to say I commented how his class was a my favorite and sorry if I was a pain in the ass. Soon after I received a private message:

Jennifer, You were not an ass. I'm glad you enjoyed my class. Thanks for the comment. It made my week. I hope life is treating you well and that you are happy.

Happy...? Such an innocent statement to wish someone happiness. Not gunna made me twitch a little. Happiness talk gets thrown around a lot in life...people have very different criteria for happiness...for many people wealth and security factor in more than personal relationships and health as an example. Naturally I asked myself " are you going to answer this?" I lied of course. I said I was happy and added that it was Friday. I am always happy it is Friday. Anyone with the weekends off LOVES Fridays. It was not a lie but it also was not a truth either.

Happiness is a fleeting thing...we all have periods where we feel happy...but it is such a grand expectation to be able to label yourself as HAPPY in the general sense...I have never been able to. I am not happy most of the time...but neither am I wandering about like a sad sack moaning and groaning about life defeating is what it is...we all have difference capacities to suck up happiness and I think mine is a limited capacity. Just don't feel wired right for it...I have talked before about seeing ppl walking down the street with a smile on their face for no reason. I assume those are happy people...or mentally ill. I can never tell for sure. I have tried to walk downtown with a smile (slight smile to not look like I am frowning really) and I feel like a big fake fucker...seriously.

At times my behavior is clearly that of an unhappy person...I am very self aware of how that projects too. Being overweight makes it IMPOSSIBLE near impossible to hide the real core level of happiness. Not to say every fat person is unhappy but I think in our culture it is not an enjoyable experience even if you do not have childhood baggage dragging behind you like a 3 wheeled wagon. [JFC do not send me messages that I am trying to paint all fat ppl with the same brush, I am not...but I do think 'fat' is a symptom of other things most of the time and they are not positive or encrusted with shiny diamonds and gems]

Back on topic....Mr. Oldfield and I messaged briefly...he told me that I can look forward to my daughter being an absolute joy in a few more years...his daughters are now 28 and 30 and he says they are nothing but joy to him. He also told me I was never an ass in his class and when I told him I was going to copy and paste that for my mom to read he said it made him laugh and cry at the same time...I thanked him for his kindness...and off we went about our lives.

Truth is I was a pain in the ass for the most part (though clearly I was on my best behavior in that class)...I am not even 100% sure he remembers me b/c I went by a different last name back then but...who knows...perhaps I was a slight bit more memorable than I presume or he is one of those ppl who just remembers all of his was a nice exchange and his kindness was well received. The only thing I recall making in that class was a tiled mosaic. We were allowed to make it however we liked....naturally in grade 9 I made a pentagram....all black tile and the circle/star in white tile...I loved grouting...something satisfying about grouting...I carried that friggin Wiccan piece of crap around with me for many years...many moves....once the corner pieces started to loosen and fell off it eventually stayed in a either got lost in a move or I turfed is permanently burned into my mind though b/c it was so perfect and the freedom to create it however I wanted really stayed with me...the tile just worked perfectly...I have always wanted to do another mosaic project but like most things in life....I haven't. 

Friday, September 20, 2013

Stay outta the damn hospital...

If I learned anything today it was when I am old do whatever it takes to stay out of the damn hospital. Uncle Jimmy's sister Carol died today after a very short hospital stay for something entirely different than the pneumonia she died from. I find it all perplexing and weird and very sad as she was not all that old...tomorrow I will go help them all finish cleaning out her apartment and get things sorted. Such a bizarre thing imagining someone going through and sorting through your stuff when you are dead. My shit is going to be extremely interesting to go through...Oh yes. Whoever is doing it, they will learn shit about me...and which I had less stuff I am sure. RIP Carol...xo

I have been making a concentrated effort to widdle down my possessions this feels good...I look in awe at minimalist clutter I am always thinking "where do you keep the stuff you love?" Some ppl simply are not attached to 'stuff' though...which I find curious and interesting...and wish to explore...less is more quite often...

I am reading "The Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls again...I read it yrs ago but recently read the follow up by the same author that she she wrote about her maternal grandmother and I loved it (Half Broke Horses) I wanted to reread GC while the other was so fresh in my mind. I am about half way done and clearly forgot how deplorable the authors childhood was b/c I am in awe of the conditions these kids survived and shocked only one ended up with severe mental health issues. I looked up some info online and read that the author has done very well for herself and had a cottage built for her mentally ill mother and supports her otherwise she would still be on the street...amazing level of acceptance and forgiveness that woman possesses to take her mother in after some of the heinous treatment her and her siblings received. Remarkable story...very good read.
Older & balder every tour. We have something in common.

I am right now listening to the new Matthew Good album 'Arrows of Desire' as it streams prior to its release on Tuesday.
..and holy hell..."Mutineers" is my favorite...cannot quite make out all the lyrics but I get the gist alright and am loving the harmonies and flow...I have a super favorite on every album and on this one it is definitely Mutineers...(aka Set Me On Fire from the Lights of Endangered Species album, While We Were Hunting Rabbits from the Avalanche album, Champions of Nothing from the Hospital Music album etc...on it goes...)

Blah blah blah...talking about MG and no one really cares but me...

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Text Fun

So I am getting ready for bed the other night and my phone goes "dingdong" indicating I have received a text message...I look and it is from a number not stored in my phone. Considering how the week had gone I was a little I open it and here is the conversation that developed:

TEXTER GUY: I brought ur movies back they're at the doorstep. At this point I am making a clean break. I do not need unstable ppl in my home or life. Please don't text me again.

(so what do I do...I go check my front door for movies LOL and there are none...)

JEN: I think you texted the wrong person b/c there are no movies at my front door. lol

TEXTER GUY: Is this Eva?

JEN: LOL No it's Jen...well done at setting clear boundaries though!

TEXTER GUY: No no that was meant for Eva lol Is this Jenny Keyes?

JEN: Well I do not know her but I am sure you are doing the right thing. No this is Jen C in Victoria.

TEXTER GUY: Sorry for bugging you...this is Roger...what is your last name?

JEN: Conky...and I don't is nice not to be getting dumped.

TEXTER GUY: I can safely say I do not think we have met before. Sorry for the inconvenience.

I am still laughing b/c I went and looked for movies assuming I pissed someone off. HAHA

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Trifecta of Fuckery

As a fairly self aware person I am sometimes in awe of how few coping skills I have...It completely explains some very undesirable behavior of my youth and not so youthful self. Today was a shining example of my inability to chill the fuck out (by the way all you 'calm down' ppl do not do me any favors telling me to calm down as if it just that simple).

Was in a rush and missed breakfast this morning...big no-no for this fatty...I turn into the cranky asshole in the Snickers the Joe Peschi version...not even kidding...just go crazy asshole angry, aka hangry (hungry and angry). So I am hungry...then realize I have left my gawd forsaken lunch on the counter at home and have no lunch. Now I am hungry, bitter and going to have to buy lunch...morning progresses and I am pretty spazzy b/c it is the 1st day of Matthew Good pre-sales...still waiting on an email telling us wtf the pre-sale code is not on the website or Facebook and Live Nation said they don't have one and to check with the fan site. SERIOUSLY PPL...I have not had breakfast!

Someone came around work to say that there MIGHT be a fire drill....I immediately have an aneurysm b/c its 9 am...tix on sale at 10 am and I am sure MIGHT means there is one and how much you wanna bet it will fuck up my ticket quest? I have that lingering on my mind...cannot find pre-sale code (I curse pre-sales!!!!)...Oh look it is 9:30 am and the fire alarm goes I am a potty mouth MFer and losing my shit b/c these drills are not as simple as standing downstairs...every floor, all 11, have to file down the stairs ----- please keep in mind it is Sept 11th and that creepy irony is not lost on me as we all tromp down the numerous flights of concrete stairwell ---- everyone files downstairs and then we have to walk to a designated area about 4 blocks away. No big deal...UNTIL YOU ARE UNDER A BIT OF A TIME CRUNCH!! and HUNGRY...and HAVE TO PEE...and IT IS HOT AS HELL OUT...and just happen to be a friggin spazz.

I manage to get back to my desk at 9:58 - still no fucking pre-sale I decide to wing it and try the previous ones from other sales this tour...PICNIC... PICKLES... COVERT... ARROWS... DESIRE... nothing...fml. That is when I starts throwing trail mix into my mouth b/c I could feel the steam starting to billow out of my ears like in was not helping. Eventually I surrendered. I gave up. I have the pre-sale code for tomorrows pre-sale so fuck it. Can you  tell I hate shitty seats...? Oh and you know what the best part is...? For some reason the Royal Theatre decided that for this show we do not get to choose the seats we want...we get the "best available"...UHHHH FUCK YOU ALL...seriously...I feel like an autistic kid whose worker just handed her a red block instead of the customary blue one...WHY! Why must my chi be fucked with so much in one day....? And it is not just that...I have something else weighing heavily on my mind and it is making all these other minor things feel like the end of the gawd damn world...I do not want to talk about that other thing b/c it reeks of betrayal and Jerry Springer and I just cannot be bothered.

So....after all that I left early and dragged Catherine to lunch with me and it was delicious and I felt myself completely become centered as each shovel of food hit my stomach. Classy.

Anyhow...tomorrow should go ok...I am getting up at 530 am again b/c this 6 am wake up business doesn't work for me...
It is too effing hot in here right now...I need to go sit in front of my fan and read my book and decompress...


The Spazz

Monday, September 09, 2013

Today's lesson...

Embarrassment is an emotional state of intense discomfort with oneself, experienced upon having a socially unacceptable act or condition witnessed by or revealed to others. Usually some amount of loss of honor or dignity is involved, but how much and the type depends on the embarrassing situation. It is similar to shame, except that shame may be experienced for an act known only to oneself. Also, embarrassment usually carries the connotation of being caused by an act that is merely socially unacceptable rather than morally wrong.

OK I 'may' be an asshole...

Well...look at that. Seems I have some pull ::snicker::  



Live Nation presents:
Royal Theatre
November 26, at 8PM
*Tickets starting at: $39.50


Sunday, September 08, 2013

This is the End....AGAIN

Took Kim to see This is the End tonight...I had already seen it but it is so effing funny I was happy to see it again. I laugheddddddd omg...seriously the funniest movie ever. If you have not seen it - please see it b/c it truly is funny.

It is the Bird Man's birthday right now...Bird Man being Guy. I Jib Jabbed him for kicks b/c I know it makes him roll his eyes at me: JIB JAB Sorry is just too funny not to!

Breaking in some new shoes that I got bamboozled into buying. Gawd dammit I hate it when that happens...the salesman isn't a fantastic salesman or anything...I can see through his eager, helpful demeanor quite easily...but my guard was down against myself...and I saw these shoes and drooled over them immediately thus my thrifty resolve was drooled away - and before I knew it I am walking out with these stupidly expensive shoes that I FUGGING LOVE but that I did not really NEED. Do not get excited at the prospect that I just did something girly...I did not. These shoes look like all my other lesbian shoes as all my lesbian and non-lesbian friends enjoy pointing out to me on a regular basis. I cannot help it if I love sensible shoes that happen to be men's shoes b/c I have giant size 10 duck feet. Look at that gore-tex shoe of goodness?!?!?! I get a woody every time I look down at these shoes.

The laundry room is down a washer AGAIN. You know...when I finally move out of this shithole bldg I am gunna get pissed drunk in celebration. 2 washing machines for a bldg of 35 apts or something is already ridiculous...but 1 is just unspeakably inept and for those of us paying the big rent in this shithole I find it to be completely unacceptable when it takes days and days for this shit to be fixed or replaced. My revenge will be sweet as I move out into my dream downtown cupboards, stone counter top of some sort, an island, tile or wood flooring, a jet tub swanky bathroom off the master bedroom, a view of the ocean/city, in-suite laundry, garbage disposal, pool and gym plus a rooftop common area...oh gas fireplace, big balcony.....holy shit DOUBLE KITCHEN SINKS, dishwasher...(boner) my dream know what else I want...a completely pimped bathroom with a drain in the middle of the floor so rather than kill myself cleaning the bathroom I just grab the shower sprayer, turn it to HOT and rinse off the whole room periodically...toilet clean, floor clean...a few tasks like actually scrubbing the sink and toilet would be no big deal. Can you tell I cleaned my bathroom today and I am bitter about the amount of effort it requires in this old dusty piece of shit bldg? After Vegas I am going to start saving to move I think...I will see what Ayla's plan is and then start seriously socking $ away.

Saturday, September 07, 2013

Friday nights alright for blogging....

I did it...I just ore-ordered the new Matthew Good CD. I couldn't resist after I heard the new track "Guns of Carolina"...fml I like it a lot...glad too b/c the 1st single released I hated (I usually detest the songs he releases as singles)...

Nice...really like that track.

Ms A. is taking a few trips in December...1st one to go visit her grandparents in California...Grandpa hasn't been well so she is really wanting to go visit and see them both. He is already in his mid 80's so I think she needs to get in as many visits as she can. She will be in Powell River for Christmas this year as 1st Christmas without  her...will be weird. Kim and I decided we are potentially going to book a room at a fancy Victoria hotel Xmas eve that has a sweet pool and hot tub and THAT is what we will do Xmas eve...go to my place Xmas day for a breakfast and pressies...sounds kind of nice. Ms A was going to be in on it too til she decided to  go to PR. She really prefers a crowd at Xmas I think, likes the Xmas morning ritual thing.

I think her growing up as an only child with a mother who is a loner has been a disappointment for her at times. There have been a few Xmas's with just the 2 of us where she could not hide the fact she it was a bit too quiet...a bit too solitary. I am sure this will all come out in therapy for her in about 10-20 years. haha I laugh but it is a nervous, uncomfortable laugh, not an amused one.

We all grow up feeling a bit hallow I think...the inevitable human response to realistic life...most of us did not have the attention we deserved...the love...the support...the pampering. It is just how the cookie crumbles...we are all just humans stewing in our own shit and sometimes it oozes out and gets on our kids...the older I get the more resolved I am about that...funny thing is as rational as a person can be about that stuff it doesn't make all the weird hang ups disappear. All the shitty coping mechanisms you develop before you get to that place of enlightenment have rooted and taken on a life of their epiphany or are still a wounded rabbit, shaking in the bushes under a shroud of empty enlightenment. That is when the real work begins it seems...combating yourself essentially to try and catch up. I think a lot of ppl go the grave stuck in their shit.

By friend, the fantastic Catherine Greenwood, has a new book coming out...after a very successful photo shoot in a graveyard to get shots for the book jacket she will be giving me a copy and I am looking forward to giving it a read. CLICK HERE ...and yes I was the one who gave her the pooping panda toy.

Wednesday, September 04, 2013


I do not get excited about too many things but THIS is gunna be kick ass awesome in Vegas next month:

Grand Celebration Helicopter Tour (Grand Canyon)

What's Included:
  • Breathtaking panoramic views of the Hoover Dam, Grand Wash Cliffs, Grapevine Mesa and Grand Canyon West.
  • Landing at the bottom of Grand Canyon, 4,000 feet below the rim
  • An unforgettable champagne picnic with time to explore
  • EC-130 Helicopter with luxurious comfort and wraparound windows
  • Multi-lingual narration
  • Hotel pickup and drop off
The Grand Celebration is the crowning jewel in our selection of helicopter tours. It is easily the most popular and regularly sells out weeks in advance. This helicopter tour provides stunning aerial views of Hoover Dam, Lake Mead, and of course Grand Canyon. Additionally, this tour lands at the bottom of the canyon on a private plateau overlooking the mighty Colorado River. There, guests enjoy a champagne picnic and refreshment while surrounded by the awe inspiring grandeur that is the Grand Canyon. It is truly an experience unlike any other! 
It costs out the butt but doing it once is all I need so totally justifiable... 

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

Turkeys with Little Pilgrim Hats

Oh look at that...looks like Vegas Oct 13-17 trumps Thanksgiving. A is livid (in her pretend way) that I am away for Thanksgiving...I did not even realize until Shawn said he was coming to visit that weekend...I will be sure to eat something resembling turkey in Vegas.
Booked our room last night at New York New York. Agonizing trying to choose and then keep it all straight...location is the key as well as 4 stars and up for this hoytee wench...

Going to work late today...bad intestines could take over the world. It is gloriously pissing rain...which makes me want to dance! Such a nice relief...still warm out but no sun beating on you which is nice.

Not a bad view from the ghetto....

Beverly Hillbillies-esque pushing this down the hall to get it out of my house and into the thrift store!

Dallas Rd...such a great spot.

The Ross Bay Pub lunch of awesomeness...a giant yorkshire stuffed with mashed potato, roast beef, gravy and vegs.

Love that time of day when the sun is done raping my apartment windows

the new desk chair is awesome and now I can have a dance party in the living room after rearranging and turfing some stuff....ok I wouldn't ever have a dance party but you know what I mean.