walking dead

I think I am gunna enjoy the new AMC series THE WALKING DEAD...it freaks me out and its about zombies but...its engaging and interesting...watched episode 1 tonight....spooooky grossness!

I am in a mood...yes I know...another mood...you know those pensive WTF AM I DOING moods...where it becomes so clear that nothing you thought would make u happy and fill the void actually does...I blame Hollywood. Fuckers. It's all on you...it's all on you to reach in and find wtf it is you need and then go get it...but in the mean time u have to survive...you have obligations... attachments... guilt... duties... responsibilities...on top of this elusive void filling...I have always been of the mindset that some ppl are just broken...that doesn't mean they are street junkies or serial killers...I mean some people are just beyond fixing...they either aren't at a place (and aren't going to be) emotionally/mentally where they are going to mend. Sounds all fatalistic but...I still believe it and its not fatalistic at all - I think its just real life...we all have our shit...some of us hide it better than others...some of us actually work through our shit in a timely fashion...

I have spent the majority of my life in complete and utter loneliness (there - I said it...my counselor from 2002 would be so proud!)...I got used to it early on...so early in fact you end up forgetting you are lonely...its just a part of you...I don't even think it was my upbringing at all - I think it was just me. All this of course over your life manifests in certain ways...some of us become sluts... frigid teases... addicts... whores...we get fat...we get skinny...we drink too much...we shop too much... obsess too much - on and on...

Me...my self loathing got me fat and cynical...but at least I have a great sense of humor right? (see what I just did there? optimism! haha) Id rather be fat and cynical than skinny and addicted to huffing gas. Just saying.

What I am trying to say is ITS NOT THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD. That shouldn't be the shit that drags u down - the shit that defines who you are...its the fucking details that are fatal...
It's getting that one thing in life you are determined to not wreck...the only thing that brings even an iota of confidence in yourself as a human being...something you love beyond yourself....and then that thing rejects you like you are dog shit on a running shoe...the disgust and rage directed at you breaks you like nothing before it...soul crushing devastation...you can't win...your only choices are worse and worst...you do the right thing you get crucified like Jesus....you do the other thing and you are a fucktard 4 it....

On a lighter note...(haha ok not really) I received a copy of my brothers 10 yr obituary/memorial in the mail today...this is likely contributing to my mood.

There are happy ppl out there...what do you do to be happy?....to keep it from slipping away entirely? For the most part I am a-ok...if I didn't go on these tangents of self loathing and personal reflection I would probably appear well adjusted to most...mainly b/c ppl don't invest the time required to really get to know ppl...not at my age anyway...fuck I remember forging such intense friendships as a teenager - I needed to, we moved all the time and my need to connect with ppl was strong...I miss making a fast friend that didn't peter out by week 4...that's how adult friendships are...ppl are busy... distracted... no time to spend dissecting the brain of a fellow adult...guess that's why those few friendships from days gone by are even more important as an adult...we know that they are irreplaceable...adults rarely connect on such levels. I have always had a lot of friends...for that I am very lucky...I am attracted to great people who get weary of trying 2 deflect my friendly advances soon after I begin until I break them like the little wild ponies they are. ha ha Ahhh my friends...

The top of my right hand - I have this little thing...it feels like a round BB but its a piece of gristle or something organic...anyway...I can move it around all over the top my my hand...it grosses Graeme out...he cant watch me push it around - its creepy as shit...so the other day im rolling it all over the place under my skin and I decide to see how far up twds my wrist it can go....oops. It's lost now in my wrist bones :o( FUGGG!!! I check every day to see if it magically worked its way back but...nope.

Guess I will go read b4 the coma kicks in...Rick Springfield calls me name from his new memoir that I am currently devouring...ya ya ya...shut up.