While expending such a vast amount of emotional energy to try to be a good mother I feel now that I am back on the door step of my “self”. My job is essentially done (though we know it is NEVER really done) and I am nearly back to living my life with only myself to consider – but....wait...stop for 1 moment...I am in a relationship now...that’s right...I am not supposed to just think as a ME – only I am having a very hard time doing so.
Call it self-preservation, call it emotionally stunted – whatever. I don’t know what so-called normal is, I suspect it doesn’t exist b/c normal is different for every individual, thus I have a tough time gauging wtf I should be doing.
Oh and don’t tell me just to act natural...Oh no b/c I am a mean ass fucker and am constantly annoyed and am terrible to live with. I have explored the shit out of it too...it is NOT self-sabotage...it’s just me. It is making me understand a lot about the women in my family...I am not sure any of us are meant to live with anyone...ha-ha Not even kidding.
I know I am not the only person on the planet to find it excruciating to share space with someone & have someone around so much – this helps me to not feel like a complete and utter bitch from hell. It’s been 10 mths...I should be used to it by now right? Nope. Perhaps I used up all my patience (haha like I ever really had any to spare!) and tolerance with Ayla...maybe patience and tolerance are like ovarian eggs...you are born with all u ever have...and with time they either run out or are just too old to be good 4 anything. All I know is I do not like myself being such a miserable twat all the time and I suspect it is not too much for for said boyfriend either.
I am eating like a gawd damn champion these days...I have run into my usual good eating puzzles: needing more creative recipes/meals/snacks and remembering to have EVERYTHING prepped and ready or the Starving Scramble happens...so far so good though for the most part. Bought a scale 4 the 1st time in 20 yrs....for the purpose of accountability and tracking. Am certainly looking fwd to getting past the CRIPPLE portion of the walking bit...fuck - being a fatty and walking is killing my hips...so once I dump a little weight I think it'll be all good again. Donna and I have a good new walking route down Kings from Cook St to Foul Bay Rd. It's a 5K total walk. Takes just under an hour...We are committing to twice a week to do it together...Tuesdays and Fridays...then I am back to walking 20-30 mins to work and home from work. the conflicting info is as usual the biggest hurdle...there's low fat, low carb, the glycemic index...I am just eating the same only a lot LESS of it minus the obvious crap like candy, junk food, soda etc and avoiding white rice, potatoes, deep fried anything, bread, pasta...I eat bread once in a while as a treat with peach jam that Donna in Parksville gave me omg it is effing GOOD! ::drool::
13 comments:
Jesus! Don't compare your characteristics to an old ovary! Sounds so empty! Although I can relate to your "shrivelling up and giving in" theory.
I agree, it's mind-boggling how some people can skip happily through life doing everything with their partner.
Jesus! Don't compare your characteristics to an old ovary! Sounds so empty. Although I can relate to your "shrivelling up and giving in" theory.
I agree, it's mind-boggling how some people can skip happily through life doing everything with their partner.
hahah I am an old empty ovary full of shivelled potential lol
(contradiction hahaha)
I actually enjoy doing some things with Graeme for the record but certainly not everything...as I am sure he doesnt find me particularly awesome to do everything with either...we have our own things we are into and neither of us are into doing the others stuff...which is cool with me...
The two of you sound balanced...that's a good thing. I was forced to sit through three hours of hockey once. Wow! You should've seen the disappointment when I said, "Never do that to me again!" Hahaha!
not so sure about the balance...for G hockey is anime movies, zombie movies, godzilla movies, sci-fi stuff...which aside from a few zombie movies i want NO part of just like hockey hahaha
i think he has different expectations...i think he wants/expects to be with someone who wants to do the things he loves with him and i dont have that same expectation...talking about this would likely be good but we dont talk about anything so. lol
I'm not sure if G or all guys are like this, but every guy I've ever dated seemed to get mighty hurt if I didn't sit and watch tv with him...no matter what he was into watching. Then when the two of us agree to watch something that we're both into, he changes the channel! Hahaha!
I agree, it's impossible to find two people who share every single interest and it is unrealistic to expect that of someone.
I've never expected any of my b-friends to love Adam Ant, so then why do I have to become a hockey fan?
I dont think all men are like this...the other half couldnt care less what their partners were doing so long as they are being left alone hahahhaa
Poor G, I always remind him I dont make him watch the Young and Restless with me lol
Must be one of those things I guess. Mom and Dad have been together for over 50 years, and she still complains about he makes her sit and watch tv with him, falls asleep and wakes up when she's half way through a movie only to flip the channel on her. Haha!
50 years GOOOOD GAWDDDDDDDDDDDD
HAHAHA! I know!!! SCARY!!! HAHAHA!
you are right about the women in your family. HAHA i am horrible to live with and do not enjoying sharing my space and time. throw a toddler in the mix and well, i sneak away to get husband free time and drown in mommy guilt. life is grand!
Well Jen, you are right where most women wish to god they could be....thinking of yourself most of the time is what all the doctors tell us we need to do more of...isn't it..I think it just comes from being solo for so long in the living arrangement. Don't try to analyse the shit out of it...it is what it is...and just go with your gut...cause in the long run you have to live with you....and you might as well be happy as crazed....so if he drives you insane kick his ass to the curb... or have that little chat that's been on the must do list for months..and duke it out...you never know what will happen.
As for the women in our family....you pegged it...we are generally a grumpy, bitchy, and emotionally retarded bunch...but we have all tried to do the best with what we got dealt...that's all anyone can expect. I's said it all along..men are either idiots or pigs...and there is very few that fall into the grey area... They have their uses...and if you can accept them with their limitations then they can be a great addition to ones life. You know enough about my situation to know that I speak from experience... There are days when I I would give my man away for free at a garage sale along with his remote control...and other days when I think how empty my life would be without his idio-sychrosis...just like he puts up with my bitching and blathering...I re-evaluate my contract nearly every day and every day he squeaks by the line...lol.... men are what make life interesting...
There is no doubt that men think differently than women...I went to town yesterday in a bloody snow storm... there was actually a moment when I wondered if I would make it home alive...I was gone for hours...the roads were drifted and the temp was dropping like a rock in a pond...-30 the temp gauge in the truck said...it was dark by the time I got home and when R came in the house a few minutes later...I hugged him with tears in my eyes, I was that upset and emotional....and what did he say...... " HEY, IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU QUIT SHOPPING AND CAME HOME....WHAT'S FOR SUPPER"
cathy - nailed it...! xo
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