onward she rolls...

I got a haircut today. I am not traumatized. I took my hairdresser Alisa chocolate to butter her up and it really was a decent experience...she took too much time bothering to teach me how to be girly but that's ok...she didn't know better and I don't hold it against her. She gave me a good haircut and fixed all my hacking and relayered it all proper so - no drama.

I have not eaten one decent item of food today. Not one. This is rather disturbing.

Tomorrow I am hitting a flick with Lisa in the afternoon...then its the Sam Roberts how in the evening with A. and Donna...I am not allowed to type A's name anymore b/c she doesn't like coming up in google searches on here. Fair enough. Sunday it's the Walking Dead show with Erin, Arf and Esther again!

I have talked to Tere every day this week...I find it as comforting as she does I think...I can gauge how she is at that given moment anyway. It is heartbreaking everyday to hear her speak about Taylor...saying things like she doesn't care that she will never be a Gramma she is just so sad Taylor never got the chance to be a dad...or won't drink his favorite chocolate milk again. At some point it occurred to me without much deep thought that I needed to do something...I have sat for a decade+ wanting to do 'something' helpful and productive in regards to people in crisis...I applied to be a Distress Services Volunteer...it is a huge commitment and a lot of training but I figured if I get screened in (no idea if I am cut out for this or if I will pass their requirements) it would be a positive step for me to feel like I am not idly sitting by the phone waiting to get another call about someone I know being gone. Suicide is an ugly ugly ugly mindfuck for anyone who has had to experience the influx of conflicting emotions and anger it kicks up. Loss is loss - I will not argue that and we all deal with loss in our own way but there is a level of fuckery to suicide that is just not present in other deaths...it is not something I can articulate in words either.

All this madness has driven me to listen to old Sheena Easton music...what the hell!?