Weirdness...

Little Ayla & Glenn 1999

It is weird sitting around on anniversaries such as this...13 years since you experienced the biggest loss of your life...the worst day of your life...an event, that even 13 years later, haunts you. You never really know how other ppl process and deal with loss, you only know how you feel and how you cope/don't cope. Life does go on (which is something I recall being very offended by early on), people move on, the world keeps spinning...all the while you sit and wonder if everyone is as well adjusted as they appear while you agonize and obsess over every moment you ever shared with the person you lost. There is a lot of joy mixed in there, without a doubt...but there is a world of grief that never seems to go anywhere. Then you talk to someone who comments that they are ok, time heals all wounds....and you think...Huh? When...? Please tell me when the darkness shrouding my heart will dissipate and I can get on with things? Sure I live my life, I go to work, I fake being somewhat happy well enough...but not a day goes by where I do not think of the greatest loss I have ever been unlucky enough to feel. Is that normal? I have no idea...and there is no way to gauge b/c  most ppl are not open enough to really ever know...and how to do you gauge grief and feelings? You can't...and why bother trying - it doesn't accomplish anything of merit.

It is fascinating to see how different ppl process and deal with loss and grief...there is no right or wrong in it at all but it is an interesting thing to sit and observe others and their displayed level of grief....or lack thereof. This only becomes something you ponder and preoccupy yourself with when you begin to question if maybe you are fucked in the head. ha!

I hate giving today's date any more power over me. It is bad enough I see 10's and 24's every.day.of.my.life...in everything...the clock...the calendar...bank balances...lottery #s...phone numbers...tv channels...prices...everywhere. I stopped making it a big hairy deal a few years back. Does it matter if I light a candle today or not? No. I do it if I feel like it...Tonight I am drinking tea...listening to all my favorite Matthew Good songs (b/c it was my brother who sent me a mixed tape and got me loving MG way way back)...and that is how it shall be.

I just picked the scab off my Grand Canyon hand 'thing'...did I share this story? I am standing at the bottom of the Grand fuggin Canyon...and I look down and see blood on my hand...I thought my nose was bleeding or something but no...I wiped it off...carried on...turned out something either bit me or impaled me...from out of nowhere...all the helicopters landing may have stirred up the air, no idea...could be a sting...or a rogue cactus spine...no idea...it began to itch later....and it has not stopped...I thought it might be the cause of the LOVELY facial rash I was inflicted with a few days after getting home (aka THE BEARD OF AGONY) but I have no idea really...all I know is the beard of agony is still making me look like a leper and still a bit itchy and my hand is still crazy itchy. Maybe some little Grand Canyon memento is jammed in there...maybe little baby bugs will crawl out of my hand after they gestate for an appropriate length of time? Fun times. Weird.

I am brewing a rant about betrayal in my head...not sure when I will get around to blathering on about it but...it has been brewing a while now. Gotta sort that out.

Here is a song Glenn never got to hear that I know he would have loved...