Glenn

October 24 2009

My little brother was the funniest person ever...not just his sense of humor...but just they way he was ...I guess b/c we had similar mannerisms and familiarity (had to look up the spelling for that, it seemed all wrong) he was always able to make me laugh harder than anyone else could. He had the same effect on our sister Kim as well.

It has been 9 years today since his suicide...an event that certainly rocked any sort of foundation that I managed to build for myself up until that point in 2000. Of course the last 9 years have been spent "getting used" to his absence, against my will...lamenting it in my head. There isn't a bigger mindfuck than losing someone this way...losing someone who was for all intents and purposes a kind, non-selfish, non-asshole human being who always put others before himself. Yes that's right...contrary to popular belief people who commit suicide don't do it b/c they are selfish, weak or gave up - taking the "easy" way out. I think that is an incredibly narrow and simplistic ideology...you are entitled to think it of course but I will certainly think less of you for lacking any iota of empathy or ability to recognize the effect that serious depression has on the human psyche. If someone attacked you with a knife on the street....what human "gives up" ? Nooooo you fight to the fucking death to save yourself, you rip eyeballs out, kick, punch, gouge, tear, you fucking run if u have to in order to save yourself....b/c instinctually we are programmed to do so...making suicide CLEARLY a mental health issue not a character issue (I cannot explain the amount of human ignorance I have encountered on this subject).

None of Glenn's issues surrounding his exit were permanent...he simply lacked the ability to cope with them all at that particular time. Coping skills are the 1st thing to go when depression inches into your brain...this I know 1st hand...just not on such a grand scale. Bottom line is Glenn lacked the ability to yank himself up by the boot straps...the depression ate away at his core for so long he was just done. Do I wish he went and got help like he said he did? Of course...the right help could have sailed him through the severe rough patch to get him on a path of recovery...Do I wish I flew out there and dragged him to a hospital before he was left to his own devices? Of course. I wish for a lot of things...

Seeing as I rarely get what I want {mad face} I have to settle for remembering him as the warm, caring, funny music guru that he was...24 years with someone is a drop in the bucket of time...especially when so much of that time was wasted in midst of family turmoil and bullshit none of us as kids had any control over...there is no video of him anywhere that my sister and I know of which is heart breaking...what I wouldn't give to hear even his voice/laugh right now and not just in my head. There are 24 years worth of fun and games with Glenn...and for that I should be grateful...but I am a glutton and it just wasn't enough of a good thing.

Today is not a woebegone sad day...its like every other day he isn't here...it sucks but what do you do? Fuck all.

Funny story: after the divorce it was like Glenn was in prison and in order for me to send him GOOD music I had to get creative...I was 13ish....he was 7ish...I tried to send him cassettes previously but his new step mom was like a warden and always censored everything, listened to them and deemed them INAPPROPRIATE....so he never got them....so what I did was made tapes that always started off with a completely flaming lame gheylordfocker Michael Jackson song......then all subsequent songs filling the cassette were 80s hair metal like Motley Crue etc...This worked! He got the good music by awesome trickery tactics! (yes I realize the word "good" is not necessarily accurate NOW)

It was really uncharacteristic that my younger siblings & I always managed to stay very connected throughout our childhoods - we all did lead completely separate lives & childhoods, provinces away from each other and were connected by nothing but some sort of invisible tin can and string device. I don't think the parents had much to do with it either (I could be wrong but I don't feel like they did their due diligence in that department either, sure they could have denied us contact of each other but there was no reason for that so they get no credit)...it just was what it was and whatever the reason for it I am glad it worked out as it did.

Today I will play some of Glenn's favorite music....and just be glad I ever knew him at all...
that is all you can do really...be happy with what you had and have and move forward...

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