How did I end up living in a house with the 2 most non-communicative people I know? How did this happen? Is this punishment for being a Nazi in my last life? It feels as though it is...then I got to thinking last night that maybe it is me...perhaps I expect too much from people. Perhaps I expect people to communicate in such a way that is just not typical...maybe I am an arrogant fucking asshole and assume people should communicate with me simply b/c I think I am more awesome than I am...maybe I am abrasive and completely hard to talk to and truly have no idea...total ignorance on my part? Maybe the importance I place on communication is completely selfish and due to me requiring communication/details about things I alienate people around me? Look inward Conky...look inward.
Either way it’s frustrating as fuck. Exhausting. I am not one to
NOT talk about the pink elephant in the room...if there is tension I would sooner face it and talk about it and get passed it even if that means it pisses me off b/c I didn’t get the answer I wanted or the reaction I craved. I grew up often being in the middle of uncomfortable tension...no one in my family had the skills to talk about anything rationally...it was always a dramatic pile of BS or it was never dealt with at all and it spiralled into a mess in its own right b/c of that...I could see very early on that lack of communication caused all sorts of other messes in life...be it by accident or blatant neglect. Things morph into whole other nightmares over things that are quite simple...I like to avoid unnecessary crap in life b/c it’s impossible to avoid crap as it is, why welcome more of it into your sphere of goodness just by not being a diligent communicator?
Some might think communication is easy for me but it is not...not at all...while I am generally fine with confrontation sometimes I don’t LIKE talking about how I feel...ok most of the time...I am rather picky about when I talk and to who...if I feel for 1 moment someone’s not interested or listening out of obligation or bored or I am just not connected with them I clam up and it’s all over. Sometimes u just have a better rapport with certain ppl, a flow....while others it feels forced and unnatural. I do prefer to be the listener most of the time...so u can imagine living with 2 ppl who don’t talk about feelings or issues leaves quite a large HOLE in meaningful conversation around the abode. Then sometimes I am so fucking mad I can’t speak even if someone wants me to...I choose to say nothing if I have nothing but venomous hatred to spew most of the time b/c I know once I am unleashed it is fairly hard to back pedal and make up for words already spoken. I know I don’t forget ANYTHING ppl say to me in anger...never have.
LIFE IS HARD when u care about people. Perhaps that’s the key...being a self absorbed ass face only concerned about your own needs and feelings ensures you are not spending much energy worrying about anyone else thus being tortured by their non-compliance ha-ha
I know this will come as a shock to some of u (ha-ha) but I am rather relationship retarded. I dunno HOW they are supposed to be, what’s normal, what’s not....only what I want and expect and I have no idea how rational that is. What a weird thought to realize that you may appear completely irrational to everyone in your life....?
13 comments:
I hear you...if only I lived closer we could communicate til the cows come home...sigh....
Jen I love you and next time I see you I'm going to give you the biggest hug anyone has EVER given you and then talk my head off about crap till I bore you to death :)
xoxoxox
mushy mushy
sorry to hear about shit.. welcome to the shit boat. All a'board baby.
ahhaha theres no need to get carried away with this hugging business lady hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa its not even a big deal i just felt like purging b/c Ayla is such a non communicative turd to me lol
Just a few thoughts by me another non-communicator type. Imagine how tough it is for us being asked about feelings and stuff from talkers. We aren't comfortable expressing them. Could be fear, inability to express them, whatever. Ayla will likely be this way from now on part of it the mother vs. daughter thing I suppose. MAybe it's resistance to being told to talk. I'm sure Graeme was always like this. Didn't you see it before he moved in? It will be difficult to change and expecting him to change to suit you...not a great idea. Perhaps he's struggling to be with a communicator but can't express it? There is no normal relationship it is what we make it. If something is not going how you want just say I'm FINE and walk away which stands for Fucked up, Irrational, Neurotic and Emotional. We are all relationshiply retarded in some sense. Just gotta find another who we can accept in spite of differences. Don't worry, not gonna hug you, maybe kick you in the ass.
Kelly is pretty damned wise. He nailed this one.
for the record - I dont demand to talk...but when it is clear someones inability to talk is creating misunderstandings and hurt feelings it seems that it is common courtesy to try and be even slightly more communicative to avoid such misunderstandings and such...a compromise of sorts...i dont see that as being unreasonable and if it is then SOMEONES got some shit to explore b/c come on.....i dont think thats a grand expectation....but maybe it is....and i am deluded and am meant to live in a cave by myself lol
all u non talkers...GAWDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!
oh I just thought of something else the talkers (no names) make us non-talkers look and feel bad because they tell us how awful we are for not talking and expressing ourselves. Where we are too non-talkative to complain. We just suck it up in silence and let the talkers talk. (We are such martyrs)
HA
are u trying to build a case 4 yourself? lol martyrdom is effing annoying. I know bc I live with one! so smarten up and lets have a chat! lol
chat? sure chatting is good, I enjoy a good chat but.....nothing involving emotions, feelings, or anything like that...
I've accepted being considered irrational to everyone in life.
I wear it like a badge. The bad thing is it attracts people more crazy than me.
Crazy hippy thug bum on the street asks me how I'm doing, I say: "Good morning " and keep walking faster.
KELLY - hhahahaha well it seems u arent even trying anymore are u? lol
BENNET - acceptance seems to be the key here doesnt it...??
Ok, it's official - you are me. Well, on my more lucid days, anyway.
sorry about your luck lady lol
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