Not sure if any of you have joined in on this new phenomenon or not but as it turns out a lot of ppl do it and just don’t talk about it until someone else makes mention of it and then they confess they’ve been doing it for years...which I find most amusing.
This is regarding poo and wiping ones butt. Seemed like a sure thing the ol’ TP/WIPE but as it turns out we have been mislead to believe this is good enough.
I am here today to speak to you about the merits of the Wet Wipe.
Now, settle down bashful creatures. I have some news for you. It is true, the sentiment my three-year-old shares with various strangers throughout the course of our day.
Yes, even you. We all know.
Your super sexy girlfriend?
She’s most definitely a toilet plugger.
The hot chicks of the world are infamous for shitting.
Yes, Rod Bruno, I am talking to you.
It is really time people let go of their bizarre personal shitting conspiracies.
If you show me someone who doesn’t shit, within three days I will provide you with video footage of myself confronting that person while they are shitting. A toileting raid, so to speak.
So I may have to stalk them for a couple days?
Such is my dedication to disproving this myth.
Anyways, back to the Wet Wipe.
I made my initial discovery of the Wet Wipe for adult usage quite by accident. As I was a new mom, the introduction of the Wet Wipe to my toileting facility was a recent development. Like many of you I was, until that point, an uninformed user of the toilet paper. So on this momentous occasion, as I was wrapped up my shitting experience I reached for what I was to discover was an empty toilet paper roll.
Panic stricken I scanned the contents of my bathroom for something that would not be missed in the event that it mysteriously disappeared.
It was then that my frantic gaze came to rest upon the box of Wet Wipes that stood taunting me from the counter.
The rest, my dears, is fucking history.
Wet Wipes and I were crazy about each other. We were basically skipping through fields of wildflowers holding hands and singing. When my ass met the wetness of the wipe it was one of the truest connections I had made to date. Like that scene in Ghost with the pottery wheel except this time the clay was shit and Patrick Swayze was dead.
My personal elation at the cleaning power of the Wet Wipe led me to marvel at the fact that I had up until that point been able to exist in it’s absence.
All of those wasted years.
That is when it occurred to me to conduct a very personal experiment, the results of which I am going to revile you with RIGHT NOW.
I decided that the next time I felt the desire to construct another Ass Chandelier I was going to take care of business much as I would have in my former life as a toilet paper user. BUT THEN instead of saying my goodbyes and carrying on with my day I gave the old hot button a once over with, YES YOU KNOW IT, a Wet Wipe.
What I discovered could only truly be expressed in a three part National Expose entitled…
An Inconvenient Truth: Shit is Still on Your Ass.
And it most certainly is.
Imagine this. You come home drunk and decide to make some delicious stovetop chocolate pudding. Everything is going fine as your pudding reaches the desired consistency. BUT THEN as you drunkenly attempt to spoon the pudding to your stupid drunken face you accidently drop an ample ladle of it, not into your shameless drunken mouth, BUT right down your neck and into your overly exposed cleavage.
Christ, you are such a loser.
Now, imagine that you were to clean up the chocolate pudding using only paper towel while at the same time NOT LOOKING AT YOUR OWN TITS.
This is basically what you are doing.
I assure you that when you wake up in the morning and take a long, hard look at that alcoholic whore in the mirror you are going to wonder what the fuck that dry brown shit is between her tits.
They may not be the greatest idea for your septic tank or our environment but let me tell you my environment has never been more pristine.
So humor me. Stop being an alcoholic whore and give yourself the Box of Wipes Challenge. If you can honestly tell me that your life has not been forever changed I will happily allow you to go back to being covered in shit on the regular.
Goodnight and God bless.
Matt Good’s Blog:
My wife wrote something horrifically true the other day. If you’re squeamish, stop reading this right now.
Okay – the next time that you go to the washroom use regular toilet paper to wipe. Then go out and get some wet wipes, the sort made for infants and toddlers. Then, the next time that you go the washroom use toilet paper to wipe and when you think you’re done grab a wet wipe and wipe again.
That, my friends, is what you’re not picking up.
Being that we don’t live in a part of the world in which the bidet is used, the truth is that, despite our growing love affair with all things antibacterial, your ass is nowhere near as clean as you think it is.
So try the wet wipe challenge. You’ll be glad you did.
I caught on to this about 4 months ago and it has changed my life. It’s like crack (pardon the pun)...U can’t NOT use them once you start. I have some at work JUST IN CASE PUBLIC POOPING IS UNAVOIDABLE...I plan to take a pack on my trip this week...Oh yeah it is that good. I was VERY resistant at first, having had a few friend who swore by them for years...I thought it was prissy and hoytee and really....we haven’t died YET so why all the fuss?...til I tried them...now I belong to the Church of the Holy Wet Wipes. My work is done here...thank you Mr and Mrs Good for the Public Service Announcement re: Poop.