Friday, December 23, 2011

Self-Cruelty Mission

Tonight Lisa and I are going shopping late...we will pick up Ayla when she is off work at 9:30 and begin the Self-Cruelty Mission: Shopping on Dec 23rd.

I have NEVER needed to shop this close to baby Jesus's fake birthday...ever. I am generally organized and broke 'done' long before things get commercially insane. This year was different. Not only was I not ready - I was not even remotely prepared to get ready. I put Ayla on notice that it was gunna be a chill xmas - with the Cancun trip coming up and all...so it wasn't like I had tonnes to do or anything thankfully. Tonight I am just grocery shopping...Xmas Eve is party night at Jenny Jen's...got a lovely little crowd coming over: Ghey-Shawn (in from Kelowna), Alexandra & Kelsey, Amanda & Erin: the lesbos of doom and Hot Donna...Ayla and I quite enjoy having ppl over xmas eve so this year will be a hoot...it will kick ass on last year that's for damn sure. Moving on...Xmas Eve is gunna be a VINYL EXTRAVAGANZA...we got a buncha old records (Johnny Cash, Crystal Gayle etc) and Alex has located her old Eddie Rabbitt record and...well...it'll be a 70's musical night of baby Jesusness! The photo essay I post after should be quite entertaining.

I am missing some peeps this year...kinda wishing I had some family around me: The Alberta Crew & the Powell River Crew - along with friends I never see enough of (G&D, AB, CG, DM, JF, M&K, etc)...that's what this time of year is all about for me...my peeps. Ok...and the lights...and the baby Jesus collection...and the anti-christmasness I project while embracing certain traditions...which confuses ppl.

Tomorrow is all about getting the house presentable and prepping the goodies and food...that is if I survive shopping. I am sure you can imagine the vivid and wild way I imagine bashing and crushing ppl with my cart. Oh speaking of store weirdness...I am in the drug store this morning and this old, East Indian lady comes up to me with a giant package of bladder control pads and in very broken English asks me if these are good ones...I looked around b/c I was SURE someone was fucking with me...Candid Camera moment all the way....but nope...it was a legit human interaction...so I am trying to tell her I don't actually know if they are good and she of course doesn't understand me - just looks at me eagerly awaiting my advice...Don't get me wrong - I am a gawd damn pro at menstrual products...but I dunno if bladder control ones are the same...so I just ASSUMED they were since she want gunna leave me alone (she did drag me away from the hairspray after all)...so I pointed out that those ones were SHORT rather than the long ones...so I found her the long ones which were on sale and told her they were THE BEST. She was so damn happy...I was still looking around thinking ppl were fucking with me....it was too weird...but such as life is...no camera crew jumped out and offered me a 100.00 gift certificate for not telling the lady to fuck the hell off. So yeah - if you ever start peeing your pants...call me - I will hook you up. 1-800-PEE-4JEN

Listening to this old 70's country music (Dolly Parton, Crystal Gayle, Eddie Rabbit, Tammy Wynette, Loretta Lynn etc) in 2011 is really weird...what a depressing buncha shit...it's always about being cheated on or drinking...mind you I guess that was the 70's for a lot of people...I downloaded some Carpenters and while listening to a few songs I recall as a kid...I was struck with the sadness of Karen Carpenter's mental illness and death via anorexia...the concept of starving ones self to death is bloody bizarre to me...I have the opposite affliction after all...but I am not deluded into thinking I am too skinny and MUST eat to gain weight...see that's the fuckery of anorexia...they look all Auschwitz-y and truly frightening and cannot see it. Mental illness is so truly fucked up.
It is getting close to the time when I have to start getting dressed...which is weird b/c it's usually the time I am getting ready for bed...ha! I am so wild and crazy. Look out world...The Conklin is coming down your aisle with a cart!

2 comments:

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Well now I know who to approach about bladder control products! Have a fun vinyl jeebus day!

adelebartley said...

Lol! 1-800-PEE-4JEN will be added in my contacts list...just in case!
I'll have to get in on that nostalgic vinyl party some day! Sounds like a hoot!