It is a sunny Saturday morning here in the land of the sluggish and near dead. Mexican tortilla soup is cooking on the stove awaiting the arrival of the fabulous Kate - who is driving down from Mill Bay to hang out for the day. Always a good day with Kate. Having known each other since we were small kids there is a familiarity that I find rather comforting.
Speaking of familiarity...one of my mom's old friends from a million yrs ago it seems popped up on facebook this week and it was really trippy to talk on the phone and catch up...she has known me since I was little...my brother and sister too...and I have to say that it is not often I have to inform someone of my brothers suicide almost 11 yrs after the fact...that was a weird moment. The weirdest thing about it is I don't have many ppl in my life who even knew my brother - never mind knew him when he was a wee kid. My family was so fragmented, living in too many places - apart. Makes it even sadder hearing someone else say what a lovely little boy he was, so sweet and adorable...
I often wonder if I am going to be feeling that loss so close to the surface for the rest of my life...how can something 11 yrs old feel so fresh? Why hasn't it found a little nook to crawl into like every other psyche-stabbing event in my life to date? It doesn't feel unresolved to me. I have no lingering questions...there is no mystery to it anymore...just wide-open, raw grief that I cannot seem to put in it's little nook and revisit when I choose to. It chooses to visit me, uninvited and on a regular basis. Sure - life carries on, I go through the motions but it still feels so very raw...every day since Oct 24, 2000 I will look up at a clock and it will be 10:24 - either am or pm...every.day.since. No bullshit...24's everywhere...my obsessive ocd brain always on overload...
Oh...A. just asked me how I survive not getting laid. ha ha haaa Cocky kids these days...I could have asked how she survives knowing so little about life but I decided to eat it and laugh instead.
SONG OF THE DAY: appropriately one of my favorite songs - say what you want about train-wreck Courtney Love, Kurt certainly did not write this for her - I stole the name of this blog from this song and still find the lyrics she wrote post-Kurt's suicide haunting and completely heartbreaking.
Northern Star ~ Hole
And I cry and no one can hear
Inhale the blinded eyes that see
The chaos bring the pitiful to me
Even though I'm wide awake
I will in blackest night
And I wait for you
It's cold in here, there's no one left
And I wait for you
And nothing stops it happening
And I knew I'd cherish all my misery alone
And I wait staring at the northern star
I'm afraid it won't lead me anywhere
He's so cold he will ruin the world tonight
All the angels kneel into the northern lights
Kneel into the frozen lights
And they paid, I cry and cry for you
Ghosts that haunt you with their sorrow
I cried 'cause you were doomed
Praying to the wound that swallows all that's cold and cruel
Can you see the trees, charity and gratitude?
They run to the pines
It's black in here, blot out the sun and run to the pines
Our misery runs wild and free
And I knew the fire and the ashes of his grace
And I wait staring at the northern star
I'm afraid it won't lead you very far
He's so cold he will win the world tonight
All the angels kneel into the frozen lights
Feel their hearts, they're cold and white
And I want you
And blessed are the broken
And I beg you
No loneliness, no misery is worth you
Oh, tear his heart out
Cold as ice, it's mine
And I wait praying to the northern star
I'm afraid it won't lead you anywhere
He's so cold raining on the world tonight
All the angels kneeling to the northern lights
And I pray begging to the northern star
I'm afraid it won't lead you anywhere
He's so cold he will rule the world tonight
All the angels kneeling to the northern lights
Kneeling to the frozen lights
Feel their hearts, they're cold as ice
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