Friday, January 04, 2013

Fuck you to feelings...

It is always interesting to watch yourself - as you get older - react to the things around you. At times it is probably not very different from how you have reacted in the past but there is a mindfulness I find with age (for me anyway) that allows this observation much more clarity. For instance...when Shawn points out certain reactions and responses I have to particular situations are self-defeating, passive-aggressive and generally pathetic and I am extremey sensitive (that has been a problem since I was a small child)...I actually can sit and ponder, breaking it down over a few days – digesting the truth of it and then am in a place where I knowingly must make changes to improve my general mood surrounding it all OR do shit all and stay stuck. This happened last year when Tracey kindly pointed out I was TERRIBLE at dealing with confrontation – no better than someone who avoids it at all costs. I bulldoze into it, rip someone a new one, say fuck you and carry on with my life...she asked me HOW that was productive and how that demonstrated growth and maturity. Oh burn. So true though – so true. It is what I do...things that hurt me and make me uncomfortable get cut off at the knees & burned at the stake b/c it was at one time the only power I had to shield myself...these behaviours stick and I never really grew past them. The body count decreased over the years but...that is hardly any comfort when you really look at yourself under the all telling bulb of fluorescent emotional nudity.

I have said this before to people – who I think out of politeness assured me I was mistaken – that as I find myself at the end of the hands-on 'mothering' years it is plain as day to me that I am pretty much right smack where I was 20 yrs ago emotionally...the last 20 yrs has been a fantastic distraction...sure I have spent more than a few hours in counselling over the years and have come to terms with the fact I have very poor coping skills and sometimes I am a total and complete asshole and don't really care...but...I really am right back where I started...earned many life skills and experience along the way without a doubt but...I really have not grown much in the aspect of my 'feelings'...those dreaded bastard feelings that fuck everything up far too often.

On a less self-indulgent note...I am extremely happy it is the weekend in a mere 7ish hours...time to work...Catherine my old cronie from SABC sits next to me in this new office and she talks to herself all day long...mutter mutter amusing to me.


Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm not convinced that any of us ever really learn anything. Or perhaps it's just me.

~Jen~ said...