What a week. Glad it is over....I had a spazz out at work the other day (to myself) about the shoes I had on....I am the princess and the pea about my shoes...if they are not exactly right I cannot function...and these new shoes were KILLING ME....and making me so mad....so I hobbled to the shoe store next door and basically sat on the bench begging the woman to find me a pair of shoes that would not cripple me in 5 mins that did not look like granny/nurse shoes...it took some time b/c I have a ridiculous shoe size for someone my height (size10/E width AKA giant duck feet) but eventually I found a pair...which are exactly like a pair I have at home except black. Not a cheap endeavor...but ffs man...my Grandad always said "you gotta have good shoes and take care of your feet."....best advice he ever gave me...so true.
Been doing some personal digging into my own psyche recently as well...which has proven to be a fruitful experience. Funny how even the simplest of truths can be easily avoided for a long time just for the same of coping...a shift in my attitude is required. Not too sure how that will work or how certain behaviors will be exchanged for new ones but...it is time for me to stop being overwhelmingly preoccupied by other peoples emotions and well being and worry about my own. Not to say I run around saving the world or solving ppls issues but I spend far far too much energy worrying about shit I have no control over...neurotically so...expending so much emotional energy on people and their situations, constantly stressed out, feeling depleted on every level there is nothing left in me to deal with my own shit...good avoidance/coping skill hey? Yeah...it has become quite clear to me how this will play out if I do not attempt to change my own way to cope with things.
A catalyst for this epiphany was talking to Connie last night...and out of the blue me explaining to her how I spend each and everyday worrying the ppl I care about: my cousins, my aunts, my sister, my friends, my work friends...my kid...myself...daily....then add in unresolved shit...my brothers death...childhood crap...I feel like a Romanian orphan...who cannot stand to be touched...or shown affection...can't stand crowds...over react to any criticism or judgment from ppl I don't even give a shit about....basically on hypersensitivity mode 24/7...talking it out with Connie (who has a Masters in Clinical Psych and is awesome in these situations where I lose my shit) and getting extremely upset about describing how I feel my empathy meter within myself is broken and is just on overload every.single.fucking.day...so tiring - she blurted out that it is easier to worry and get caught up with other ppl problems than deal with your own...classic coping mechanism. Well fuck. How simple is that...? So I came across an article on the topic of hypersensitivity (thought I am sure my abrasive nature hardly comes off as being sensitive to most ppl - at face value anyway) and was blown away...that doesn't happen often...so identifying yourself as an emotional sponge entails these items of interest:
*People call you "hyper-sensitive",
"overly sensitive", etc., and they don't mean it as a compliment (in my case I react with anger)
*You sense fear, anxiety, and stress from other people and draw this into your
body, resolving them as your own physical pain and symptoms. It doesn't
have to be people you don't know or don't like; you're also impacted by
friends, family, and colleagues.
*You quickly feel exhausted, drained, and unhappy in
the presence of crowds.
*Noise, smells, and excessive talking can set off your
nerves and anxiety.
*You need to be alone to recharge your energy.
*You're less likely to intellectualize what you're
feeling. Your feelings are easily hurt.
*You're naturally giving, generous, spiritually inclined, and a good listener.
*You tend to ensure that you've got an escape plan, so
that you can get away fast, such as bringing your own car to events, etc.
*The intimacy of
close relationships can feel like suffocation or loss of your own self.
There are more...and there is not one that doesn't describe me on some level...(replace "car" with bus schedule/bus pass or cab phone #).
I recall as a child being keenly aware that I cried too easily and made every attempt to not let my true feelings show from a very early age (I don't think this is uncommon for many people either)...I have spent my life trying to not appear sensitive. Not that I am going to turn into one of these hippy dippy weirdos with this personal revelation but...I am certainly into exploring it and it explains a lot...like how A. putting dishes away at 9 pm will send me into a tailspin of complete discomfort and rage...the loud noises....noise is something I have noticed recently that I am really bothered by but attributed it to old age (haha) when in fact it always has...I just never made the connection. It explains why I tend to hide out at family gatherings in a bedroom...the chaos, the noise...the crowd...is at times too much...while at the same time I love spending time with my family...my unreasonable drive to just be alone after being around people...people I love and adore...a nice day with friends...and all I think about is being alone....resting and resetting myself...toss in some inability to trust people and other poor coping skills and well..you have a cauldron of complete unhealthy, unhappy fuckery....
Yeah so...there. One more stop up the ladder rung to self enlightenment.