Revisit

I am reading Duff McKagan's book currently..."It's So Easy". I really love reading about musicians lives b/c as they are going through what was happening with them through their careers I can map it perfectly in my head...what I was doing at the same time - I friggin love that...it's like I am injecting myself into their existence somehow...but not really. Anyway...this book is an interesting look at the absolute disgusting  level of alcoholism and drug addiction Duff McKagan was part of at the peak of Guns n Roses career. Do you have any idea how much you have to drink over a certain time period to blow up your pancreas? Unbelievable what the human body can endure and come back from. I like this book...he is a surprising gentle soul with a humble persona. Been listening to all my Guns n Roses music for the last week...not gunna lie...love the band...don't really like watching Axl though...

I promised you a rant - here it is. You all know I am a psycho rabid avid Matthew Good fan...Haven't missed a live show since 2000. Every other winter for the last I do not know how many years....10ish - he plays Victoria supporting whatever his most current album is. It is a ritual of sorts and this year is no different. SO I THOUGHT. There are shows booked in Courtenay and Nanaimo....none for Victoria. At first I didn't shit the bed too badly - just figured it was a bit slower to book a Victoria venue for whatever reason....I check every.fucking.morning waiting for Victoria to pop up on the tour listing. Nothing.

If he is already on the island why on earth wouldn't he come to Victoria...the ferry is paid for already! Courtenay getting an MG show and Victoria not getting one is some kind of evil alternate universe nightmare. So - of course - when I finally realize in my denial ridden brain that there is a chance he is skipping Victoria....there are no decent tickets left for either show on the island or the Vancouver show at the Orpheum...like fucking seriously? WTF! He just had to cancel his US tour due to funding issues...so you would think cramming all the Canadian shows he can into the tour would be on the agenda...

So yeah - I am totally pissed. I am shunning him on my MP3 player and skipping his songs that come on I am so gawd damn upset....yet still a victim a-hole and checking the site every.gawd.damn.day just in case a show is listed. I even looked up that week at his usual venue (Royal Theatre) and THERE IS NOTHING BOOKED STOPPING HIM FROM PLAYING THERE. So pissed. So disappointed. Poor me, I know....1st world problems. Meh.

The Ecuador/Peru Mom Nightmare

Travel plans are fast and furious...vaccination clinic has poked and prescribed all the drugs they can for A...malaria pills, typhoid vaccine, yellow fever vaccine, altitude sickness pills, Rx anti poop your pants pills, antibiotics 'just in case'. Fuck. Gets harder to put on a happy face with details like that...what I would not do right now to be one of those ppl that goes through life not worrying about stuff that hasn't happened...it is a sick place - my mind right now...it is unfortunate I am not an actress b/c at any given moment I can produce hysterical, tear squishing out of my head crying complete with sobbing and a really ugly cry face to go with it - ON DEMAND!...I am hoping when the PMS passes in 4-5 days I will be a little less likely to end up at the Eric Martin Pavilion (aka mental hospital)...

A. is chomping at the bit to get outta dodge so in a mere 10 days as Lisa and I drive her to the ferry to send her off she will be skipping and joyous will I jam more Ativan down my yap. Fun times...as always...A goes off on an adventure (which logically I am excited about) and I will spend 2 months running worst (or is it worse?) case scenarios through my head...a basket case...shitting myself whenever the phone rings scared it will be the Canadian Consulate in Ecuador or Peru calling to inform me that my kid was murdered by Ecuadorian bandits or killed in a massive flood. I am not kidding when I say this is all I think about...I deserve a medal for smiling at all this week.

On a positive note...Kim likes her job and seems to be fitting in well...and as much as I detest exercise I am still hitting the Y three times a week...when A is away I may be going more as a distractionary measure.

So..yeah there is a new Pope. What the hell is with all this coverage...I don't recall this level of interest when the last one - who always looked like a little evil Nazi to me - got the job. I am tired of hearing about it, how great this one will be...the hope he offers so many...he is anti-gay...so how awesome can he possibly be?

BLACK RIBBONS...reminds me of 80's music....which is why I like it I guess..."Teardrops"...so super 80's awesome.

A. just raided my sock drawer for thick socks. She is so cute...I am pretty impressed with how thorough she is being preparing for this trip.....doing it all herself...she is on top of shit as far as I can tell.

Learning never stops...

What a week. Glad it is over....I had a spazz out at work the other day (to myself) about the shoes I had on....I am the princess and the pea about my shoes...if they are not exactly right I cannot function...and these new shoes were KILLING ME....and making me so mad....so I hobbled to the shoe store next door and basically sat on the bench begging the woman to find me a pair of shoes that would not cripple me in 5 mins that did not look like granny/nurse shoes...it took some time b/c I have a ridiculous shoe size for someone my height (size10/E width AKA giant duck feet) but eventually I found a pair...which are exactly like a pair I have at home except black. Not a cheap endeavor...but ffs man...my Grandad always said "you gotta have good shoes and take care of your feet."....best advice he ever gave me...so true.

Been doing some personal digging into my own psyche recently as well...which has proven to be a fruitful experience. Funny how even the simplest of truths can be easily avoided for a long time just for the same of coping...a shift in my attitude is required. Not too sure how that will work or how certain behaviors will be exchanged for new ones but...it is time for me to stop being overwhelmingly preoccupied by other peoples emotions and well being and worry about my own. Not to say I run around saving the world or solving ppls issues but I spend far far too much energy worrying about shit I have no control over...neurotically so...expending so much emotional energy on people and their situations, constantly stressed out, feeling depleted on every level there is nothing left in me to deal with my own shit...good avoidance/coping skill hey? Yeah...it has become quite clear to me how this will play out if I do not attempt to change my own way to cope with things.

A catalyst for this epiphany was talking to Connie last night...and out of the blue me explaining to her how I spend each and everyday worrying the ppl I care about: my cousins, my aunts, my sister, my friends, my work friends...my kid...myself...daily....then add in unresolved shit...my brothers death...childhood crap...I feel like a Romanian orphan...who cannot stand to be touched...or shown affection...can't stand crowds...over react to any criticism or judgment from ppl I don't even give a shit about....basically on hypersensitivity mode 24/7...talking it out with Connie (who has a Masters in Clinical Psych and is awesome in these situations where I lose my shit) and getting extremely upset about describing how I feel my empathy meter within myself is broken and is just on overload every.single.fucking.day...so tiring - she blurted out that it is easier to worry and get caught up with other ppl problems than deal with your own...classic coping mechanism. Well fuck. How simple is that...? So I came across an article on the topic of hypersensitivity (thought I am sure my abrasive nature hardly comes off as being sensitive to most ppl - at face value anyway) and was blown away...that doesn't happen often...so identifying yourself as an emotional sponge entails these items of interest:
*People call you "hyper-sensitive", "overly sensitive", etc., and they don't mean it as a compliment (in my case I react with anger)

*You sense fear, anxiety, and stress from other people and draw this into your body, resolving them as your own physical pain and symptoms. It doesn't have to be people you don't know or don't like; you're also impacted by friends, family, and colleagues. 

*You quickly feel exhausted, drained, and unhappy in the presence of crowds. 

*Noise, smells, and excessive talking can set off your nerves and anxiety. 

*You need to be alone to recharge your energy. 

*You're less likely to intellectualize what you're feeling. Your feelings are easily hurt. 

*You're naturally giving, generous, spiritually inclined, and a good listener. 

*You tend to ensure that you've got an escape plan, so that you can get away fast, such as bringing your own car to events, etc. 

*The intimacy of close relationships can feel like suffocation or loss of your own self. 

 There are more...and there is not one that doesn't describe me on some level...(replace "car" with bus schedule/bus pass or cab phone #).
I recall as a child being keenly aware that I cried too easily and made every attempt to not let my true feelings show from a very early age (I don't think this is uncommon for many people either)...I have spent my life trying to not appear sensitive. Not that I am going to turn into one of these hippy dippy weirdos with this personal revelation but...I am certainly into exploring it and it explains a lot...like how A. putting dishes away at 9 pm will send me into a tailspin of complete discomfort and rage...the loud noises....noise is something I have noticed recently that I am really bothered by but attributed it to old age (haha) when in fact it always has...I just never made the connection. It explains why I tend to hide out at family gatherings in a bedroom...the chaos, the noise...the crowd...is at times too much...while at the same time I love spending time with my family...my unreasonable drive to just be alone after being around people...people I love and adore...a nice day with friends...and all I think about is being alone....resting and resetting myself...toss in some inability to trust people and other poor coping skills and well..you have a cauldron of complete unhealthy, unhappy fuckery....

Yeah so...there. One more stop up the ladder rung to self enlightenment.