Finally....

I just heard A's voice for the 1st time in over 2 months and let me tell you...when you spend 2 months on auto-pilot, with your guts permanently wrenched with fear and desperately trying to master the true art of denial...it is sweet fucking relief to know that your kid is as safe as she is ever going to be in the world - without you following her around as a bodyguard carrying a machete and looking imposing - that is.

Connie asked me what I learned about myself through this experience...well...let's see...I am more neurotic than I thought but am capable of a slim degree of denial when it comes down to self preservation. When A 1st left I was a mess for about 3 days...I was not empty-nesting or anything stupid like that....I have this terrible, paralyzing mental problem where I am constantly thinking during moments like her departure at the ferry terminal that it could be the last time I ever saw her. Does everything think this way and just manage to push it away and out of their minds? I don't know - but I can't do it...my brain is on over load always thinking this end of the world shit...it is exhausting. I am logical and know I have no control over anything that happens to her now...and she could just as easily die falling down the stairs to get the mail as trekking around South America...I get it...yet...it consumes me still. I am really hoping that after this trip I can find a place in my head to ram all this stuff so I am not ruled by fear and irrational BS that uses up all my energy and focus.

Anyway...A. spent a night in Vancouver with her old babysitter and friend Ashley....and is now NOT coming home as planned but is in POWELL RIVER...she flew up this afternoon and is planning to surprise her cousins and the kids when they show up for dinner...she is ragged, dirty and in need of a good scrub in a hot shower but is otherwise happy, feeling good and grateful to be back where everyone speaks her language. She will be in PR all week...and comes home FINALLY to see her poor, weary mother on Friday the 31st....and it sounds like she may be started her old job (gov't) again sooner than she thought so that is great news.

.....commence regular breathing now....