Sunday, July 13, 2014

Summertimeeeeee....can suck my balls.....

Yep. Done. Lets move on to fall please...lickity split.

A's new room haha a mess already in 1 day
 Ms A has moved into an apartment this week with 2 other gals, she is subletting a single room for 3 weeks. Its messy already so she is feeling right at home I am sure.
She is doing well, loving Melbourne and her job doesn't seem to be killing her yet.

Thunderstorm tonight maybe. Exciting! Looking fwd to that. Kim will be here for a swim, dinner and sleepover. We can catch up a bit.

Little Ms Maddie (8 year old cousin) has been on my mind a lot this week....her deadbeat dad has resurfaced. This sort of stuff always strikes a pretty powerful chord in my psyche...having my own DBD issues and then dealing with A's DBD....add in some healthy abandonment issues and just a general ongoing rage for unfairness and injustice - it is a soup of madness all up in my head. Maddie is fortunate to have a family to pick up all the slack of course, 2 strong male figures to more than fill the gap but it is a messy situation for any child. She is the same age I was when I found out my dad wasn't actually my dad but some other guy was. It is too much to sort out in a little kids brain. Watching A struggle with this as well was heartbreaking...A turned out strong, independent, seemingly well adjusted but it is just a "thing"....we all have things in life of course...can't escape childhood with some "thing" hanging over you to sort through into your adult years it seems...par for the course. It is life....but I do not have to like it....or add the fucking asshole on Facebook just because he figures he is worthy of forgiveness (Maddie's DBD, A's has been deleted and blocked since the day she turned 18....beautiful moment)...I just wanna grab little Maddie and squeeze all my love and understanding into her.

I have not mastered the art of forgiveness. I know I would be a happier person for it but it is just not there....the capacity. [I will never possess the integrity, heart or advanced super human strength to forgive A's DBD for his selfish choices that broke that little girls heart - ever] I find more often the former rage and anger just gives way to apathy or indifference...never actual forgiveness. It turns out my DBD's daughter (that makes her my half sister) Sarah is coming to town in August and it is the 1st chance we will have to meet in person after well over 10 yrs of letters and internet communication. It is has been sporadic, we are by no means close or connected on any spiritual level but it is impossible not to feel interested in her and the rest of my half siblings (2 other half brothers) - I am only in contact with Sara though and my aunt Isobel (my DBD's older sister). No one else is interested in the bastard child of 1970. (I typed that with a laugh)
It has been a very long time since I cared about any of this business, I kind of found a place to shove that rejection and such and just forgot about it. I can honestly say I do not care that my DBD has never had the balls or inclination to talk to me even after giving him much opportunity. At first I was deeply offended - then - I just didn't care. It doesn't sound like I am missing much anyway. I am just in awe of all these people who walk away from their offspring with such seeming ease...I realize life is complicated but some things supersedes your own shit...children being one of them and when you cannot humbly offer your heart up to your own child you are just a piece of shit. The End.

Nice light thinking on a Sunday.

I hung out with Tasmin on Friday, she is the daughter of Lani my old boss...she is a good kid, going into grade 11, we went record shopping then back to my place for a swim and Thai dinner...she looks a lot like Ms A so I felt like I was cheating on A...haha it was kind of weird but it gave me a good dose of teenager which I hadn't had in quite some time.

My zucchini plants are going nuts...1 is flowering....will be interesting how they will produce being in the very non-ideal setting they are in...hell, if I get 1 zucchini I will probably poop my pants.

Guess I better get at it before this day is gone like yesterday...holy hell I slept the WHOLE day away yesterday and loved it.

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