Sept 3 2009

Numbers and time...I am a little OCD about numbers and time...like my 30 day limit with boys....the 30 day limit is alive and well...lucky for me I had the type of childhood where disconnecting from people comes easily a lot of the time...I never forget about them and always cherish them but one thing I can do like nobody's business is detach...

Today has been so fucking weird...I blame the full moon honestly....yes that's it.

Received an email from Ayla's dad a mere 13 mths after she visited him last year...it was long too...telling me about all the fun stuff he's been doing and lying as he does about a pile of other things he doesn't think I already know...I am not even replying, mainly because: A) I have enough stress in my life right now that I do not need his selfish cunt of a personality leeching me of any energy B) I am not interested in what he is doing in the slightest C) I just plain do not give a flying fuck about him.

I am through with emotionally leeching men...on every level. I recognize the *me* in this...my part in it...my willingness to surrender myself (this is not sexual whatsoever u perverts) as a show of proof that I am capable of dismantling my own walls for the right person...I get this...
but at the same time I am not owning it all...I am not responsible for other ppls motives, agendas or hang ups...just my own...

I am concentrating on me...my ingrate child and my job. I am willing myself to get a placement through work...I don't even care where...I will slap mashed potatoes onto hospital dinner trays for 22 bucks an hour...and the sooner I get a placement the better...I have started the preening process...CROSS YER DAMN FINGERS PPL...

And me...well im on such a good roll that I am not letting any of this shit get me down...I am shrinking...and I am not stopping for anything no matter how bad carbicide is knocking at my door.

Ayla's starting school soon - OH THANK YOU GAWD IN HEAVEN - and then there will be a semblance of routine and order back in this house...