must...stay...awake...

Steady as she goes...this afternoon...she isn’t hurrying herself along at all sadly. I can survive 3.5 hours of damn near anything though.

I find it rather unamusing that at 39 years old I still have no idea what my place in the world is. I don’t necessarily believe any of us have a”place” really but...I still feel like im the wandering stupid...you know, not quite sure where you fit...not quite sure what path to take...meanwhile as I ponder this crap time if flying by me....zip zip zip...too busy surviving to focus on something of real value. That is not some oh woe is me line either. We all have coping skill levels, I always thought I was a fucking superstar with coping until I analyzed the crap out of myself one day and took a real look at what behaviours i adopted in order to cope with life in general...and I went “Ooooooo I am not such a great coper after all!” Some ppl drink, drug, fuck, eat, sabotage, cling, manipulate, deny, ignore, break down completely whilst getting through shit...such a plethora of shitty coping skills out there for us all to choose from. So yeah I may not be an alcoholic...or a heroin junkie but I am certainly not the poster child for positive coping skills. I wish I had a little bit of that denial disease...I wish I could ignore the shit around me and pretend it isn’t an issue and go on my merry way...la deed a...without a thought of the real issues at hand that I cant fucking solve any way or the what if’s I am plagued with...

I would kill 3 kittens of cuteness & a little old lady in a wheelchair right now for a nap. Just curl up in my bed with my pillow and drift away...to the land of comatose brain meanderings & puffy white clouds of hope and goodness. Sigh...gawd sleeping is so good....

I have had this asian woman calling me at work for the last month and a half...she speaks very poor English but you can tell she is a nice person b/c she manages to laugh at herself...and she says me name in a such a way it warms my heart...

Jen- EE – fer

I am familiar with how she says my name b/c she calls me A LOT. She has told her all about coming over from china as a girl and how she would like to take me out 4 lunch if she is ever in town b/c ive been so nice it her...I can think of nothing more agonizing but lunch with this woman...not b/c she isn’t nice or whatever, she is...but the language barrier is so severe...ug...plus i bet she’s really old and smells of moth balls.
I am doing the head bob....must go run around!