Wednesday, April 13, 2011

BuZzKiLL

Those moments when you are sitting on a bus (or doing whatever automated thing you do during the day), trying to ignore the old Chinese man who stinks of moth balls beside you...when you suddenly get that FLASH...the flash of recognition and full consciousness in your head...that you are very small...and insignificant...and in 100 yrs no one you know will be alive...and no one will ever speak of you b/c you haven't done anything remarkable enough to make it into a book for being awesome - like inventing vibrators or discovered a cure for cancer...or done anything really all that worthy of re-telling...you'll be lucky if your grandchildren live in a world carefree enough where they could sit around asking their mom about their crazy Gramma Jen...never mind anyone beyond that time frame.

Then you just sit there after the flash is gone wondering wtf the point is...and ask yourself why it is that you are squandering the life you have been gifted...that is some shitty Wed. morning bus ride thinking. Then you start thinking - to try and make yourself feel better - of the things you have done in life that aren't useless and shallow...the people you have reached on some level...the people who have reached you and helped you become a better human being...then it morphs into all the people who are complete fucking assholes to you...people who are supposed to be your friends and do owe you some level of consideration who quite carelessly will let it all go in order to fill their own little void and stay safe in it...then you start asking yourself why you have friends at all? Emotional reciprocation is never going to occur even at best...they are unreliable on more than just the basic level...then you start thinking the crazy ppl we all look at and feel sorry for - you know - the friendless people who have a few cats...who aren't social...never go out - they are odd...they make themselves a safe little bubble and live their lives filled with loneliness - but as some of u may know, loneliness is really easy to become accustomed to if you don't trust anyone or don't examine it too much...and it soon becomes a way of life you don't want to change...once that window of opportunity is gone to let people in...it's gone for some people for good...some people turn it around...anythings possible...but many don't...some ppl don't even know they are in that place...unable to let anyone in...deflecting life left and right...opportunities walking on by...or there are the broken emotionally needy people who cling on to whatever they can in order to not feel or face themselves...their shitty lives with whoever is there - this infuriates me. Admittedly - I am the polar opposite of this and generally deflect people in order to create my own little safe place...and I do not care b/c thats 100x better than being a fucking cling on.

So at the end of the 9 minute bus ride where am I at? Well, I am limping down Douglas Street, making a point to not go into Shoppers and buy a giant bag of chips and easter chocolate, worried I stink like
gawd damn moth balls from the little old Chinese man....making my way to work and hoping the next bus is empty so no smelly ppl sit beside me.

3 comments:

kelly said...

you thought all that in 9 minutes? wow.

I've thought somewhat recently about life in general and what I want out of it. Most of us will not be remembered for very long after we are gone. I'm ok with that but I decided that while I am alive at the end days of my life it's going to be important if I can tell myself that I have lived a life of significance. For different people that can be vastly different things, it's up to you to decide.
As far as the supposed friends who suck the life out of you....ditch em

~Jen~ said...

Very good point about a meaningful life meaning different things to different ppl....
You get to save ppls lives some times so you are kinda automatically significant....hahahaha (dont try to deny it!)

The friend thing...u know its nothing overt...I am the queen of cutting ppl loose when i feel like the friendship is serving no purpose or its degradated to a point of no return...I think I just have expectations that very few ppl can live up to...which probably says more about me than anything...Oh and I am also 10000x more judgmental than I ever belived I was...40 has made me see this!

Adele said...

Y'know though, I find it almost comforting that in 100 years nobody will remember me or my actions. Makes me kinda want to go out and do some crazy harmless shit while I'm here! Something to think about...:)