Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Sorry kids...

No culture...we are a people of no culture. We worship stuff. We covet fancy shiny cell phones and the latest technology which at the end of the day is a hollow shell of an existence for a lot of people. I was waiting at the bus stop today thinking about how so many young people are lacking a significant ‘base’ in life. I feel this for myself as well; that feeling of being detached from nature in such a severe way that it is hard to find your footing in everyday life. City dwelling is great for bug haters like me who like hair driers etc but I cannot help but feel my existence is shallow and meaningless...void of anything noteworthy on a day to day basis. So easy to get caught up in the act of ‘surviving’ you forget what matters.

Community seems so lost on me when only 10 short years ago I clamoured to be in a little community of mothering holiness...the pull was so strong when Ayla was a baby – to be “in” with other like-minded people, I refer to it as my hippy-dippy phase. It was a very very new experience wanting to be around other people as a ‘group’...I am naturally attracted to people individually, constantly seeking ‘connection’ in whatever form it unfolds – genuine connection...I have realized this about myself in the last few years, questioning my need to connect with people, pondering the ‘whys’ of this etc...

I am an asshole and I am 100% aware of it and even detest it. I am socially retarded enough to make me fairly intolerant but not quite enough to make me an obvious outcast. These things affect how I interact with the world around me, how I place myself in the world and how I involve myself with other people. I am drawn to being social and experiencing things but seem to lack the coping skills to deal with being around people. At the Pride Festival for example...I loved the vibe and all there was to see but was completely disinterested in mingling or being around the throngs of people. I spent most of the festival watching from Alex’s vendor booth...safe in the confines of a tent and fence...I find a place and plant myself...not wanting to stray far from my safe little area...I do much better when I am alone in crowds oddly enough...I only have me to consider which is why my new THANG is to go to concerts solo now...I have no idea why I am how I am and I guess the whys don’t matter all that much at this point...when Ayla grew out of her baby-ness and was an official little kid and in school a switch clicked for me...I lost the maternal draw twds other moms and the “community of mommy”...it was gone as quick as it started. I spent a very large chunk of time obsessive about birth and breastfeeding and everything to do with baby crap – then like a flash it was done. I am sure this is a natural/hormonal event as I am not the only one who has articulated such an experience.

Anyhow...I worry about my girl and how the city has affected her sense of the world...I wish I was a better nature nut and got her out in the bush to see exactly what it is that needs protection & saving in life...and all the other things connected to it.
Blahhh.

4 comments:

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm sure Abu can hook you up with a pup tent or something if you want to drag Ayla out into the woods with you for a weekend. I'm sure it will be memorable.

~Jen~ said...

How come when you make light of me its feels fun? lol

Camping...fml I would rather die hahaha

Abu Anka said...

I've been trying for years Barbara.

I enjoyed this post Jennay.

~Jen~ said...

:o) I hate bugs...I am sorry