no thanks

Had a really shitty dream the other night...the fact that Lars Ulrich from Metallica was groping me was not even the worst of it. I was on Klahanie Drive and something was going on with my grandparents...they were hospitalized but no one was saying why or giving me any info...I called daily and was getting stonewalled so I decided to go online and sleuth around...and noticed that certain profiles of patients has pictures or video so you could see how they were doing...I found my grandpas and there was this little video playing...he was clearly drugged/doped up and chained/shackled to other patients as equally doped up and they were out for a walk on the beach....naturally they were fucking falling down onto the rocks and barnacles, unable to navigate the topography being that they were OLD and DRUGGED...I just completely lost my shit seeing my grandpa treated in such a way – being stripped of his dignity...I flipped the fuck out. I woke up bawling my head off, rattled and disturbed beyond belief....I often have dreams about my grandpa where he is in some sort of grave danger...the last one being that he was attacked and killed by a bear....I don't know why I am relating to him this way in my dream world...he has been gone since 1995 and is frequently on my mind – as well as my granny – they were very important to me and clearly, in death, are maintaining that importance in my head and heart despite their absence.

I might start keeping a dream journal again...see if there is a date pattern....though sometimes years go by between these dreams they are impossible to shake even years later. One thing  this has made me grateful about is the fact both my grandparents went fast...no lingering, no extended hospitalization, no dementia (besides the personal Conklin dementia), no Alzheimer's...that is a rough road to go down with a person you love...when I go I wanna go just like that...FAST, heart just spazzes out and pbbst! Gone...(preferably when I am in bed asleep please) none of the crippled, mentally needy, feebleness that I think robs people of all their dignity at the end of their lives b/c the elderly are not cared for like they deserve. It is appalling to me that families forced into putting their elder family members in care homes are doing so at such a risk sometimes...the horror stories are heart breaking and disgusting...who the hell are some of these assholes in this field that they are not subject to huge accountability and their attitude/actions scrutinized to try and weed out the bad ones? Euthanasia...HELLO! Sign me up...I cannot imagine being old and having some wanna be nurse smacking me or letting me sit in my diaper all morning – sign me up for The Kevorkian Breakfast Special please....

Wow...I am depressing as shit aren't I?