Tuesday, January 10, 2012

It was bound to happen...right?

After coming to the conclusion I am in a stagnant emotional realm of stuckidity (I made that word up) it seems clear too much time has been wasted being angry and pissed off and living life full of regret and personal limitations. It has become obvious that there is much work to be done. How does a person simply release 40 years worth of rage so it doesn’t continue eating from within? It’s not like there is a little pressure release valve where I could slowly let some of it go...so what can I do to create my own little release valves? {I am typing completely spontaneously and have no idea where my brain is about to go}

I am not going to document my ideas here b/c then it seems like it is a signed contract...gawd knows just b/c I know what to do to improve my life doesn’t mean I have the skill, incentive or emotional health to carry it out...at least that has been how it has been. The crook of it is I see quite clearly while looking ahead at the next year or 2 that if I do not shake my branches and scare out the old yet familiar dysfunctional squirrels that are roosting in my psyche – it will be my doom. Doom meaning ZERO PROGRESS.

I do not really want any advice so please don’t feel compelled to send me a list of books on spirituality b/c then I won’t want to be your friend anymore (haha)...I am simply opening myself up to being truly mindful about where I am at and looking into how I can ease the floundering that has become consistent with who I am in my head.

This is not going to be a simple transition by any means...having talked with Connie about this last night and feeling myself getting really emotional about where I am within myself  (I seldom react this way with friends though I have a mutual trust with Connie that is unequaled in any of my relationships so it makes sense that I can go to such places with her)...A consistent thought in my mind has plagued me for many years...I was in counseling about 12ish yrs ago and during an appointment I was asked a simple question and my reaction speaks volumes. I was asked “who has hurt you the most in your life?” – Easy question...right? Well...no. Not really - judging from how I reacted...my reaction being NO REACTION – outwardly anyway.

I was paralyzed. Unable to speak...unable to flee. I was like a drugged person conscious but unable to move limbs or talk...I sat there making the silence more uncomfortable for me by the millisecond...not a sound could leave my lips...it seems like FOR-FUCKING-EVER. Having picked up on this, the counsellor made note by saying I needed to be mindful of this reaction and eventually moved on...and mindful I have been. It is not my nature to be speechless...or not have something to say even if I don’t know what to say...I think ti was the wording...if she had asked me who has pissed me off the most in my life I could have gone on for an hour just to start. But 'hurt' is a vulnerability I clearly like to avoid.

Everybody gets fucked over and hurt in the process of growing up & living life – it is part of being human and interacting with other humans...I am not some sort of special victim of this by any means...I have not experienced war-time torture or heinous sexual abuse at the hands of a perverted clown or anything completely fucked up out of a true crime novel...but what I am discovering is it is not so much WHAT it is that hurts people it is how we as people process, react and cope with it and it has become fairly clear to me that I have really shitty coping skills...I am also blindingly sensitive – this is not a great combo. Abandonment, betrayal, neglect and rejection in my life manifested in a great amount of rage that I have not so stoically turned inward over time...and I guess it is time to take a look at all this rage inducing shit that I have clearly been sweeping under the rug my whole life.

Don’t worry...this is a solo exercise...no one should feel frightened to expect a letter from me pointing fingers or throwing blame around...I am gratefully beyond that...what’s done is done and most of it I know was unintentional and without malice...and IT ( IT being the acts committing pain, hurt, betrayal, rejections etc) doesn’t really matter anymore...what matters is me changing how I feel and treat myself...self loathing and rage are part of who I am and I clearly need to replace some of that with something a little more positive...and productive. Even I am a little tired or rage and self loathing defining who I am as a person. It is a trip worth taking.

Forgiveness of others and self seem to be the key to stepping forward from the veil of nasty filth that has become me inside my head...how to get there – I am not sure but...wtf...may as well walk the walk.


kelly said...

maybe it's time you let God come into your life and put some of your nick knacks and goo gaws to good use.


~Jen~ said...

I knew you would be a smart ass. Trust me if I could conjure up FAITH (which I am told I lack to be a proper xtian) I would give it a whirl b/c the blissfully ignorant xtians I come cross sure seem happy in their deludedness. BTW my aunty pam told me recently she thinks im a closet xtian b/c of my jesus collectionand it queered me out so bad I started getting rid of some of it....

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I read Kelly's comment as putting your Nickelback to good use, which is even more frightening that what he actually said.

You've got a lot to think about, kiddo.

kelly said...

I do smart ass comments because I would never assume that I could or should give serious advice

~Jen~ said...

nickelback lol

thanks Barb...its a brain-full alright...I have a few ideas to try but in all honesty I dunno how you let go of shit...it is going to be a challenge.

Kelly...that is likely the smartest thing you have ever saud....and good advice on its own for most ppl, myself included.

Abu Anka said...

I think I'm headed in the opposite direction. Total denial of the existence of emotions. Complete bansishment of thought in any form. And I'm going to start drinking professionally again. Maybe buy a muscle car. Who knows where it will stop.

~Jen~ said...

Ooooh...our periods DO NOT synch up at all...!!