Whitehorse

Amazing show...these 2 are excellent live...such a great vibe and interesting looping they do...love it.

Good morning soldiers...

It is a quiet, Sunday here in the land of gray, moistness aka Vancouver Island...don't think Ms A. came home last night...the moment she started paying her token rent amount she instantly stopped letting me know she was ok when she was out. She was getting poorer and poorer at it as she got older anyway so I guess it was a gradual thing but I still find it incredibly nerve racking despite her being a week or so from being 19. I still have to consciously make myself 'not go there' and avoid thinking about it...b/c if I do I will hyperventilate and get hysterical...yes I am that neurotic.

The wonderful Barb B. in Calgary decided to venture into the land of cellphones finally....she held out a long while I will give her that. My last Koodo phone was an awesome little slider keyboard phone, basic and handy as hell and I have always felt bad b/c I upgraded to a smart phone and it still worked fine - this is not something I am proud of as I am of the mindset that if it is not busted ppl should not REALLY upgrade or get new stuff...I kept it as backup in case I ever lost or busted my smartphone...but then when I read Barb was looking for one I managed to convince her to take mine so I would be alleviated of guilt and she could really have a great 1st phone which I am sure they don't even make anymore...my guild alleviation was not good enough for her and she sent me a goodie package with a new book by Mary Roach, 3 cds, a funny card with a monkey with a penis on it and shipping cash. IT WAS LIKE XMAS! Books and cds are the only things I accept gleefully anymore - they have allotted space in my little apartment...it's like Barb is right in my head! Thanks Barb...

Speaking of Barb's....Barb A. in Toronto with the brain tumor is all over Facebook these days...she can sort of communicate via typing but it is often gibberishy and you really have to concentrate to get the gist of what she thinks she is saying...she is unable to read though so that is a drag. I cannot really get a good sense of wtf is going on with her for real b/c her family has ceased updating....it sounds like Barb is taking chemo drugs...shes mentioned hair falling out...and that the drugs make her feel like a little kid. Her personality is very child-like...no idea if it is the drugs or tumor or both causing this...all I know is [and I am sharing this as a sort of public service announcement] Barb told me the last time I spoke to her that her brain cancer surgeon peeps told her after her surgery that she is to NOT talk on a cellphone anymore... ACKKKKK!!! I have always felt this way about cellphones....I do not talk on them except fast 1 minute calls...I really want to cut off my land-line but then I am fugged b/c I don't like talking on a cellphone...they sound shitty often and I am always mindful of the fact I am probably growing a brain tumor. I thought this before Barb A's info...so it really freaked me out...I can use my headphones in it as they have a mic but for around the house....I decided to try out a bluetooth headset so I can be hands free at home...a bluetooth headset has gotta be far less badness than a cellphone stuck next to your head - RIGHT??? RIGHT????

I made the mistake of starting the Breaking Bad series.....omgggggg Walter White...you are rocking my world! Interesting show. I feel like I am a meth expert now. Pretty good series...interesting psychology....

Today is soup cooking day...and clean up day...my house is a shithole and if I died right now and anyone saw how messy it was I would die again of embarrassment.
Next week is the scheduled induction for Maggie to have little Riley Jay finally....Jan 24. I am zipping up to Nanaimo with Kelly Jean who has agreed to come fetch me Wed night after work to hang with the family for the grand event...my only goal is to not get effing sick before then which will fuck up the whole plan entirely. Pretty exciting...it has been a pretty stressful pregnancy with all of the craziness at Maggie's work and medically speaking...pretty glad it is over...and will not be willing her infertile in my mind b/c it stresses me out. LOL A. will not be coming this time...she cannot get time off at her job and b/c she has already missed work due to her trip to Calif. and her wisdom teeth nightmare it is not a good idea to push it...she is hoping to get extended in April. If not she will be taking off to meet Niamh in Ecuador or Peru or somewhere (insert nauseousness here)...needless to say I am praying to the goddess of fearful mothers that she will get extended and she can travel later....

My sister Kim is moving here next month...around the 12th I think....she is going to move in and bunk with us until she gets work and is all good to rent her own little bachelor pad close by. This is cool!! I am sad about her break up with Rob but...this is going to be a huge time of change in her life....1st time on her own...at 31 she is more than capable of doing it on her own...as a veteran of the art of solo living & independence I am sure I can teach her some tricks about self preservation and practical city life tools...it will be a good thing. Looking fwd to having her here! (EDIT: ROB IS A TURD)

Super foggy this morning...I love fog. (Says the non-driver, non-plane traveler etc)

I made this yesterday and it is fantastic!!! RECIPE So good I am making another batch to freeze at work for lunches. Mmmmmm so good.

Ch-ch-changes...

It is a peaceful Saturday morning here...I am up way too early but such is life. I have ZERO plans today so it looks like my house will get a clean up it deserves.

Kimmy!

I am sad to report that my sister is moving into a new phase in her life but also a little happy for her too b/c it is kind of exciting. Scary exciting for her I am sure. Being newly single after a long time of never really being single is a big deal and I am a bit excited that Victoria made her top 5 places she may relocate to. Wherever she decides to go I will be really happy for her though b/c it is a new, fresh start and I am her #1 fan! It is with great sadness, however, that I have to come to terms with the fact that her and Rob are no more b/c I quite adore Rob...I don't often adore men as people (that sounds worse than I mean haha) but Rob is one of just a handful of men that I find to be exceptional and I will miss him being Kim's partner. (EDIT: ROB IS AN ASS!!!!!) I am even more impressed that he is being a wonderful, kind, stand-up guy to Kim during all this...it is refreshing to see a couple part ways with a grace, kindness and understanding. He has a great willingness to help her get settled when she is ready as well so...big kudos to Rob for being a great person, non-dirtbag, man of integrity. With all that said - you can see why this parting of ways is sad. Wherever Miss Kimmy lands she is going to shine.

A's birthday approaches...I have some ideas...this year I do promise not to wreck her birthday like I did last year....we got scrapping last year and it ruined the whole friggin thing which I have felt terrible about all damn year so this year I am making a concentrated effort to not bulldoze her into making plans or anything...I will just gowiththeflow...

Squid & Mag's belly aka Riley

Poor cousin Maggie has been PLAGUED with some pretty heinous shit lately...she is pregnant and this pregnancy has been anything but carefree and delightful...things could always be worse of course (always!) but really what a shit go...she is dealing with repeat problems with blood work and such which have made the impending birthing process highly up in the air and complicated...then her business has been retarded...all her staff  decided this year would be a good time to have a kid as well so you can imagine having to try to hire/plan/organize when you have 3 staff members going off on maternity while YOU are supposed to be off on maternity...ugh such crap timing. Now she has been struck with some bug from hell and is sick as fack and kinda due any time but requires some interventions due to that blood work issue etc...ugh Timing and opportunity SO BAD for her right now....so once lil Riley Jay is here I hope things can be a little nicer for her for a while and fall into place.

New office is okay...pros and cons still...for the most part I have adapted rather rapidly b/c that's just how I roll. Can't change it so - get in line. I have scouted out all the best bathrooms in the bldg. Our floor has a 2 stall ladies washroom which is NOT ideal....so I discovered the 2nd floor has a 5 stall washroom and a separate stand alone wheelchair washroom so....SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes you just want your own little private bathroom paradise at work....

Volunteering at a local community center next week to try and get their computers cleaned up and working a bit faster...should be interesting since I have no idea how old/bad they are. Will probably wanna ram pens into my eyes by the end. There is not much worse than a crawling slow computer...well maybe no connection to the internet. ha!

I just ain't got nothing to say, yo!

All I can say about this day is that THANK YOU LORD BABY JESUS IN A HALTER TOP that the killer whales trapped in the Hudson Bay ice made their way out b/c that whole scene was freaking me out...I was actually considering avoiding my lunch time news reading b/c I just did not want to read about a negative outcome...thankfully the beauties made their way. Yes! ::happy flailing::

Very sad to hear that my sister and her partner Rob are parting ways...I really really adore him and loved them as a couple. New start for Kimmy coming up...she will make it through this and find her way without a doubt...don't know where she will land yet but wherever it is I am sure she will make it home.

Very busy this month with volunteering and such...should level out in Feb. when training is finally over...it has been a longggggg haul since Sept. Feels more like 5 yrs than 5 mths. I nearly quit about 100x. ha ha ha Not even kidding...pretty intense stuff.

I just read this and LOVED it. It was well written and the fashion in which it was written made it a very engrossing book. They took turns talking about things throughout the book...sometimes the same topic so it was cool to read the their opinions back to back...felt like a conversation sort of. Love Ann Wilson even more now...reading about her love of music as a kid and how seriously she took it...so amazing. My favorites were the parts where they talked about writing songs...specifically Dreamboat Annie songs. Great read.

I am now reading Damien Echols book which is a bit of weirdness... 18 yrs in jail on death row (West Memphis Three jailed for the murders of 3 young boys) for being railroaded is pretty heavy reading but even though he has been set free there are lingering curiosities about it all. No idea how I will feel about it all by the end of the book.

Fuck you to feelings...

It is always interesting to watch yourself - as you get older - react to the things around you. At times it is probably not very different from how you have reacted in the past but there is a mindfulness I find with age (for me anyway) that allows this observation much more clarity. For instance...when Shawn points out certain reactions and responses I have to particular situations are self-defeating, passive-aggressive and generally pathetic and I am extremey sensitive (that has been a problem since I was a small child)...I actually can sit and ponder, breaking it down over a few days – digesting the truth of it and then am in a place where I knowingly must make changes to improve my general mood surrounding it all OR do shit all and stay stuck. This happened last year when Tracey kindly pointed out I was TERRIBLE at dealing with confrontation – no better than someone who avoids it at all costs. I bulldoze into it, rip someone a new one, say fuck you and carry on with my life...she asked me HOW that was productive and how that demonstrated growth and maturity. Oh burn. So true though – so true. It is what I do...things that hurt me and make me uncomfortable get cut off at the knees & burned at the stake b/c it was at one time the only power I had to shield myself...these behaviours stick and I never really grew past them. The body count decreased over the years but...that is hardly any comfort when you really look at yourself under the all telling bulb of fluorescent emotional nudity.

I have said this before to people – who I think out of politeness assured me I was mistaken – that as I find myself at the end of the hands-on 'mothering' years it is plain as day to me that I am pretty much right smack where I was 20 yrs ago emotionally...the last 20 yrs has been a fantastic distraction...sure I have spent more than a few hours in counselling over the years and have come to terms with the fact I have very poor coping skills and sometimes I am a total and complete asshole and don't really care...but...I really am right back where I started...earned many life skills and experience along the way without a doubt but...I really have not grown much in the aspect of my 'feelings'...those dreaded bastard feelings that fuck everything up far too often.

On a less self-indulgent note...I am extremely happy it is the weekend in a mere 7ish hours...time to work...Catherine my old cronie from SABC sits next to me in this new office and she talks to herself all day long...mutter mutter mutter...so amusing to me.

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