Sleeping under a red flag...

I am the official IGNORER of RED FLAGS...ok wait...let me explain...I guess I do not ignore them – I am well aware of most of them all the time. In context of my personal health – or lack thereof – I just set them aside and carry on. Every bite of food I put in my mouth those bastard red flags are waving and screaming at me in my head....I just keep chewing...Ok I am an ignorer.

My eye appt yesterday was yet another red flag....my eyeball veins are high blood pressure veins not nice straight pretty regular veins so that pissed me off b/c I don’t want my eyes screaming at me too now but – it is what it is so this means it is time to get down to business and join the Y and get on a fucking treadmill and treadmill to nowhere...it will be better on my dying feet...and it is just 2 blocks up from my work so after work I can go there 3x a week I am thinking and treadmill to nowhere...I will eventually do more walking again once I lose a bit and my feet become accustomed to being crushed excessively on a regular basis...Having managed to lose 70 lbs in a good way in the past it is not an unattainable thing in my mind it just requires dedication and diligence and constant self awareness to squash my self-defeating tendencies...I am my own worst enemy – always have been. I am the harbinger (not quite the right word but I like it anyhow) of my own misery and defeat.

I will say last time I was on a fantastic roll (before my Achilles/foot exploded and ruined my life – so dramatic) and the catalyst had something to do with hot, awesome sex so...being catalyst-less this time will probably be a little less dramatic but a better way to get going so there isn’t that crash once the hot sex thing goes sideways (and you know it always does)...

It is really nice having my sister at my house...not just because she vacuums and does dishes and cooks sometimes either....there is a sense of comfort with her presence...I like it. I can keep an eye on her...and she is fun too...I like it...as per usual with job shit in Victoria it is a slow process so even having applied for 84783759837589379405 jobs it takes eons to hear back from places which is annoying! But she will get something...and until then I am quite happy having her and making sure she eats and is warm and safe.

Lisa L. @ work is someone I have liked since before we moved up to this new location....I recently discovered she is a Rick Springfield lunatic...so for the 1^st time in my life I have an adult to talk to about all things Springfield. I am still grossed out by recent revelations his book and such uncovered for me but I seem to be able to take myself back to my 11/12 year old brain – before internet, plastic surgery and gossip marred him for me...and just relive the musical obsession. Guy thinks it is disturbing and fucked up that ppl encourage young girls to fantasize and swoon over grown men when it is clearly socially unacceptable for a man that old to show any interest in girls that age. Fair statement...I get it...it is...no argument...it is all so contrived and it is like we girls are being played like fiddles so a bunch of assholes can make a shit ton of money for what...? Most of the time these performers don’t even possess any real talent...it is the ultimate con. But when I think back to being 10+...and recall how music was the ONE thing I relied upon for happiness – the ONE thing that distracted me from the crap that was my life at the time...is it any wonder my brain has the music of that era burned into it? That decade from 1980-1990 was an amazing musical wonderland for me....all the music I loved is etched into my soul...the good and bad haha

I guess from rereading that last paragraph it is not hard to see how I ended up as a 42 yr old IGNORER of RED FLAGS...I have been ignoring un-pleasantries my whole life...and using music to aid in that. Huh...