Hope you all enjoyed my last post about my most recent tumble that could have potentially destroyed my ability to ever walk again...still walking a bit gimpy and slow but it is not permanent or fatal as far as i can tell so as long as its ok by Vegas...it is all good.
Plan is to take it easy all weekend...not moving it works best...and gawd knows I am good at doing shit all. A champion actually...to quote the great Matthew Good...Champion of Nothing. Pam & Jim are supposed to be here but they missed the ferry and it is windy so I dunno if it'll happen now.
Still not loving the shit sandwich I live in...you know the landlady above me again...with her kids living under me...like I have a hope in hell of never being pissed off at the double standard that is now my life. I have the pleasure of listening to the baby downstairs 'cry it out' all. the. fucking. time...and by pleasure I mean DISPLEASURE. Babies crying stirs great discomfort in me...anxiety builds...in my mind and heart when babies cry you comfort them...you problem solve to figure out what is wrong. sometimes you can't but you die trying ffs. You do not assume they are being manipulative or trying to control you thus leaving them to cry to show them they have no power over you. This cry it out mentality is misguided and lazy fucking parenting and I hate it...and resent it more when I am subjected to the noise of it. I try really hard not to judge ppl parenting b/c I know what that is like (sucks balls) but JFC...if it is midnight and you live in a old wood apartment building sharing walls on every side of your screaming kids bedroom perhaps you should rethink your archaic bullshit parenting tactic and go comfort your child you jack-holes. They are not bad people or anything, they are personable and nice enough...I laid in bed last night fantasizing about the landlady above me calling me pissed off b/c she can hear my TV in my room so I could tell her I was using it to drown out the crying fucking baby noise from her kids apt and to suck my dick...never happened though.
I hate this neighbor shit...I do not complain abt ppls noise b/c we are all entitled to have company over and live it up some times...or crank our favorite song or TV show from time to time...or laugh loudly...or whatever. The minute there is noise here we get a call or a stomp and it infuriates me...to a degree I cannot articulate...and there will come a time when I snap on that fucking gestapo landlady and I will enjoy every moment of the verbal assault - detailing the hypocrisy of this situation and her part in it...need her as a gawd damn reference though first which is another reason this situation infuriates me...if I do not handle the situation just right I end up fucking myself. Ughhh!
I am stressing about the series finale of Breaking Bad tomorrow night....fackkkkkkkkkk...I dunno how they will cram it all into 1 hour and 15 mins. Kim and Ayla and I will probably be rolling on the floor crying about it, that is my prediction.
Looking fwd to a full week at work next week...never thought you'd hear that from me did you? The volume of work is harder to accomplish if days are missed...constant catch up mode which I do not enjoy b/c I am a spazz. By the end of August I had already read the years previous #s so there is a significant increase in documents coming in this year...6500+ is my prediction for this year. That is a lot paper crossing my desk...
Last night after work I wander out to bus stop on Douglas and there are cops everywhere in front of the mall...they have part of the street blocked off which fucks the buses up but my theory is something bad must be going on so buses really aren't likely top priority...Because I am a genius I get on the 1st bus that was not mine just to get my out of downtown and I caught a different bus home that comes from another part of town and is unaffected by the downtown business. Turns out a woman is on the roof of the mall threatening to jump...it was the 2 year anniversary of Taylor's suicide yesterday as well...so it seemed really ominous and terrible honestly thinking someone else was at the end of their rope...so I am walking to this other bus and can see the lady standing on the roof...awful...and I see this woman on the corner...she's in her 50's...old enough to know better and should have the social graces to know it is not OK...she's taking pictures of the woman on the roof with her iPhone...seriously. I walked by her and called her a dick....I was so pissed off...disgusting behavior from a person who likely has kids of her own and should be able to imagine that if it was her kid on that roof gawkers and picture takers would be distasteful and downright horrid. In the end they got her off the roof...which was good to hear...but another moment where hope for humanity is chipped away.
Sounds like Tere had a very big celebration for Taylor planned for last night...dinner, fireworks etc. The worst day of her life for the rest of her life...still cannot imagine.
I have pulled way back from that situation...self preservation...was just too much. There was just no balance which is no ones fault but my own really...it is a shitty situation but it was time for me to take the reigns and drive and I opted for distance. It has made me see why so many disappear when tragedy befalls friends...it is not as simple as 'they are just bad friends'...I don't think it needs to mean the person just sucks....more likely the person does not possess the skills and coping mechanisms to handle other ppls grief and their own at times...esp watching someone in grief making terrible choices and life decisions and having no real ability to help...you start feeling like you are watching a Jerry Springer episode and it is not in your best interest to bare witness to such fuckery. Lots of guilt involved too...how can you ever have a conversation with someone who lost their only child about my living, breathing daughter without feeling like a giant sack of shit...? Seriously? I am keeping in touch minimally via email/text...it feels shitty but it feels shittier being totally immersed...and I feel shitty about that too...Ugh...it is not about me in the slightest...my discomfort with this situation is nothing, I am very aware of that...but I am not good at being fake...and being someones friend out of guilt, obligation, duty or whatever is not something I can maintain. I hope I got her through a bad spell or two b/c that was my intention...to drag her through that darkness towards a crack of light...the truth is we never had a previous friendship that was a solid base to find our way back to...it was all about Taylor and he being my favorite kid at daycare a million years ago...
I never got to see Taylor as a grown up...he will always be this cute little ginger pre-schooler to me...the way he died will always haunt me as I am sure it haunts everyone who ever knew him...his mothers sorrow is impossible to articulate...such sadness, unspeakable sadness.