Monday, November 04, 2013

Bomb.Dropped

Miss A dropped her impending doom bomb on me last night...end of January - Thailand/Vietnam/Laos/Indonesia/Australia...FML. I cannot articulate the massive amount of conflict I feel about her adventurous soul...mainly b/c I raised her dropping these little eggs of ideas into her brain that travel and experiencing other places was the ultimate learning...how did I know I would be mentally ill about it later? Seriously...there is NO support group online or otherwise for parents of traveling adult children, trust me, I looked...which leads me to the obvious conclusion that I am completely irrational...which I already knew b/c I am pretty self aware. Fun times....The conflict in it all is that I LOVE all these adventures she's gone on. The things she has done and experienced while it is practical to do so...yet irrationality kicks in and I obsess about 'the phone call'...getting a bad news phone call has become by focal point. I spent the 2 months A. was in Ecuador/Peru in a fog...refusing to let myself think, sleeping with the TV on, never letting my mind wander, on high effing alert whenever my damn cell phone alerted me of a Facebook message (our means of communication)...it was a rough 2 months...ha ha ha Meanwhile, the rational part of me was in awe of her willingness to try anything, go anywhere and and experience the world.

I was not of the mindset to do such things, even at her age...I have one of those brains that wants to know things, learns things, experience things but always lacked the confidence at her age to think beyond the right now moment trying to survive and afford the next concert coming to town. This was much to do with the philosophies we were immersed in while growing up...I never had conversations with my grandparents/parents/caregivers of the moment about the option of post secondary education, travel or anything of the like...it really does make a difference in how people are shaped...add in that I am not terribly adventurous at all and really rely upon the security and safety I provide for myself and well...you have a person that admires many things from afar. If I was in A's position (a safe place to live, land and the support and means to do whatever I wanted) things might have been different - who knows...it matters little now...for now I must curb my propensity to obsess about worst case scenarios and be logical about this trip...way more ppl go traveling and come home fine than ppl who do not so...focus on the odds.....focus Conklin...focus.

Ugh. I think A. watched my soul drain from my being with her news...I talked myself out of an anxiety attack when she left the room...I feel bad that I cannot fake 100% happiness over this plan of hers but...I will keep working on it. It is exciting and these places will be amazing and fantastic. I will likely become very social while she is gone as a distraction...which is SO weird. Ugh. I still have 1 had of un-bitten fingernails...my condolences to the other hand.

Anyhow...aside from that ass kicking news...not much else to report...

After watching BLADE for the 1st time ever this weekend I can see very clearly that True Blood ripped that movie off a fair bit...I guess most vampire shows are all kind of the same damn thing these days...the genre is not unique really.
I have been advised to avoid the sequels but I am not sure I will...

2 comments:

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh wow. Of course we want to be excited for our kids when they expand their worlds with these adventures. But that's a long time to be on high alert. Maybe you should join her? Kidding!

~Jen~ said...

haha I wouldn't last 5 mins there...