::POUTING RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE::
A farmer I am not.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Sad Zucchini Plants
::POUTING RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE::
A farmer I am not.
Fish in a Barrel
I am not sure if that darkness is my own...or part of the generally ridiculous pair ups I get myself into. Perhaps it is my own inability to communicate honestly in a relationship that creates this hue...my inability to trust and commit...the full on fear of shared intimacy...not sure...it certainly cannot be helpful in that I generally end up with broken fucking assholes with even less self awareness than sidewalk chalk. My last attempt at having a relationship (AKA The Year of Severe Inconvenience) taught me a lot of things about myself...mainly that I could easily live my life to the end not in another relationship. That is no exaggeration either. I am 100% serious. I am laughing as I type this but it is really true.
It's been so long since I have been on here blathering...shameful blogger am I!
Ms A. is loving her new life in Australia...there is talk of possible sponsorship via her employer come December....I immediately panicked when she told me that b/c that means she gets 4 yrs there to work...but then I shook my head and had a chat with myself: What is your problem dummy? This is what you worked for...for her to be strong and independent and do adventurous things, live life and have a wonderful time doing it.
Then I was OK....and even a little excited for her. She is moving into an apartment with 2 friends Aug 1...its a great little place that comes with weekly maid service. MAID SERVICE! Are you kidding me. Sign me up and start with all this cat throw up the cat kindly left outside my door at some point while I slept. She is doing well and learning a lot living on her own - it is a great thing.
What the hell is going on with airplanes this year...? Bombed by Russian rebels...hijacked by weirdo pilots...random crashes...bad weather crashes...JAYYYZUZZZZZZZZZ so much for ever flying at ease again ffs. So much death in the news these days...Israel needs to step the fuck down. Shooting missiles into Gaza is like shooting fish in a barrel...real slick you bunch of bullying whiners. The mainstream media has crawled up Israels ass and reports from there, I am pretty sure. So tired of this fighting BS around the world - and now our eejit Prime Minister has decided to write an editorial about his pissiness against Russia...why is a PM writing an editorial about anything never mind something to do with foreign policy and a current world issue? It seems like he is trying to sway the population against Russia pretty intensely. I am not in love with Russia at the moment but I am pretty tired of wars started by western countries who basically just kill a bunch of women and children and do shit all to make anything better. I have an American Republican friend on FB who is a serious Muslim hater (I just ignore those posts and skip over them entirely) - I really like her but man she is so full of hate b/c her nephew was killed in Afghanistan - he signed up for that and it is shitty and terrible that he died...but to hate Muslims for it when FAR MORE Afghans were killed in that occupation than US soldiers...I do not quite understand her reasoning of it all. We all have biases...I certainly do and I am pretty aware of them b/c I am puzzled by my own reactions to people and situations b/c of them. Education usually solves mine...the more I learn about something I have a natural bias against the less of a bias I feel. Truth is people in general annoy me - hardly matters where they are from.
Been watching some great documentaries these days on Netflix...
HOT COFFEE about tort reform in the US and shows you corruption at its absolute finest in the US
HOT COFFEE WIKI PAGE
NIKOLA TESLA Master of Lightning WATCH HERE
Fascinating person he was...I think he had a touch of Autism or something...he was a weird dude but quite amazing. His social retardation really hindered him in so many ways...would be interesting to see what he could have done had he taken care of business instead of making so many other ppl stinking rich.
Going to make myself leave the house tomorrow and go see WISH I WAS HERE. I friggin love Zach Braff - ever since GARDEN STATE came out 10 years ago and became one of my favorite movies I have been waiting for him to make another one. I love that he writes the movies, directs them and stars in them...very full circle. Love it. Being in recluse mode has made my movie going suffer. Want to see the new Planet of the Apes movie too quite badly...I wish summer would just fuck off.I have a million more things to say but I forget.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Summertimeeeeee....can suck my balls.....
Yep. Done. Lets move on to fall please...lickity split.
Ms A has moved into an apartment this week with 2 other gals, she is subletting a single room for 3 weeks. Its messy already so she is feeling right at home I am sure.
She is doing well, loving Melbourne and her job doesn't seem to be killing her yet.
Thunderstorm tonight maybe. Exciting! Looking fwd to that. Kim will be here for a swim, dinner and sleepover. We can catch up a bit.
Little Ms Maddie (8 year old cousin) has been on my mind a lot this week....her deadbeat dad has resurfaced. This sort of stuff always strikes a pretty powerful chord in my psyche...having my own DBD issues and then dealing with A's DBD....add in some healthy abandonment issues and just a general ongoing rage for unfairness and injustice - it is a soup of madness all up in my head. Maddie is fortunate to have a family to pick up all the slack of course, 2 strong male figures to more than fill the gap but it is a messy situation for any child. She is the same age I was when I found out my dad wasn't actually my dad but some other guy was. It is too much to sort out in a little kids brain. Watching A struggle with this as well was heartbreaking...A turned out strong, independent, seemingly well adjusted but it is just a "thing"....we all have things in life of course...can't escape childhood with some "thing" hanging over you to sort through into your adult years it seems...par for the course. It is life....but I do not have to like it....or add the fucking asshole on Facebook just because he figures he is worthy of forgiveness (Maddie's DBD, A's has been deleted and blocked since the day she turned 18....beautiful moment)...I just wanna grab little Maddie and squeeze all my love and understanding into her.
I have not mastered the art of forgiveness. I know I would be a happier person for it but it is just not there....the capacity. [I will never possess the integrity, heart or advanced super human strength to forgive A's DBD for his selfish choices that broke that little girls heart - ever] I find more often the former rage and anger just gives way to apathy or indifference...never actual forgiveness. It turns out my DBD's daughter (that makes her my half sister) Sarah is coming to town in August and it is the 1st chance we will have to meet in person after well over 10 yrs of letters and internet communication. It is has been sporadic, we are by no means close or connected on any spiritual level but it is impossible not to feel interested in her and the rest of my half siblings (2 other half brothers) - I am only in contact with Sara though and my aunt Isobel (my DBD's older sister). No one else is interested in the bastard child of 1970. (I typed that with a laugh)
It has been a very long time since I cared about any of this business, I kind of found a place to shove that rejection and such and just forgot about it. I can honestly say I do not care that my DBD has never had the balls or inclination to talk to me even after giving him much opportunity. At first I was deeply offended - then - I just didn't care. It doesn't sound like I am missing much anyway. I am just in awe of all these people who walk away from their offspring with such seeming ease...I realize life is complicated but some things supersedes your own shit...children being one of them and when you cannot humbly offer your heart up to your own child you are just a piece of shit. The End.
Nice light thinking on a Sunday.
I hung out with Tasmin on Friday, she is the daughter of Lani my old boss...she is a good kid, going into grade 11, we went record shopping then back to my place for a swim and Thai dinner...she looks a lot like Ms A so I felt like I was cheating on A...haha it was kind of weird but it gave me a good dose of teenager which I hadn't had in quite some time.
My zucchini plants are going nuts...1 is flowering....will be interesting how they will produce being in the very non-ideal setting they are in...hell, if I get 1 zucchini I will probably poop my pants.
Guess I better get at it before this day is gone like yesterday...holy hell I slept the WHOLE day away yesterday and loved it.
 |
| A's new room haha a mess already in 1 day |
She is doing well, loving Melbourne and her job doesn't seem to be killing her yet.
Thunderstorm tonight maybe. Exciting! Looking fwd to that. Kim will be here for a swim, dinner and sleepover. We can catch up a bit.
Little Ms Maddie (8 year old cousin) has been on my mind a lot this week....her deadbeat dad has resurfaced. This sort of stuff always strikes a pretty powerful chord in my psyche...having my own DBD issues and then dealing with A's DBD....add in some healthy abandonment issues and just a general ongoing rage for unfairness and injustice - it is a soup of madness all up in my head. Maddie is fortunate to have a family to pick up all the slack of course, 2 strong male figures to more than fill the gap but it is a messy situation for any child. She is the same age I was when I found out my dad wasn't actually my dad but some other guy was. It is too much to sort out in a little kids brain. Watching A struggle with this as well was heartbreaking...A turned out strong, independent, seemingly well adjusted but it is just a "thing"....we all have things in life of course...can't escape childhood with some "thing" hanging over you to sort through into your adult years it seems...par for the course. It is life....but I do not have to like it....or add the fucking asshole on Facebook just because he figures he is worthy of forgiveness (Maddie's DBD, A's has been deleted and blocked since the day she turned 18....beautiful moment)...I just wanna grab little Maddie and squeeze all my love and understanding into her.
I have not mastered the art of forgiveness. I know I would be a happier person for it but it is just not there....the capacity. [I will never possess the integrity, heart or advanced super human strength to forgive A's DBD for his selfish choices that broke that little girls heart - ever] I find more often the former rage and anger just gives way to apathy or indifference...never actual forgiveness. It turns out my DBD's daughter (that makes her my half sister) Sarah is coming to town in August and it is the 1st chance we will have to meet in person after well over 10 yrs of letters and internet communication. It is has been sporadic, we are by no means close or connected on any spiritual level but it is impossible not to feel interested in her and the rest of my half siblings (2 other half brothers) - I am only in contact with Sara though and my aunt Isobel (my DBD's older sister). No one else is interested in the bastard child of 1970. (I typed that with a laugh)
It has been a very long time since I cared about any of this business, I kind of found a place to shove that rejection and such and just forgot about it. I can honestly say I do not care that my DBD has never had the balls or inclination to talk to me even after giving him much opportunity. At first I was deeply offended - then - I just didn't care. It doesn't sound like I am missing much anyway. I am just in awe of all these people who walk away from their offspring with such seeming ease...I realize life is complicated but some things supersedes your own shit...children being one of them and when you cannot humbly offer your heart up to your own child you are just a piece of shit. The End.
Nice light thinking on a Sunday.
 |
| Tasmin |
My zucchini plants are going nuts...1 is flowering....will be interesting how they will produce being in the very non-ideal setting they are in...hell, if I get 1 zucchini I will probably poop my pants.
Guess I better get at it before this day is gone like yesterday...holy hell I slept the WHOLE day away yesterday and loved it.
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
All fans engaged....
That's right. Summer has arrived...so all 5 fans in this apartment are swirling me a little relief and magic. Have I mentioned how much I detest summer weather?
I ventured out for my 1st walk in ages on Sunday, knee was up to it finally so off I went to explore my new neighborhood a bit - more specifically the lovely Gorge Waterway across the street. It is nice to live across the street from the ocean again. The Galloping Goose Trail is a nice for walking and also good for getting run over by cyclists if you forget to shoulder check before stepping off course (this has not happened to me yet, I have been careful!).
The same day was the long awaited concert of my summer...the highlight for sure - Heart with Jason Bonham...had no idea before arriving that I had scored 3rd row floor seats...I was looking at the wrong seating chart when I bought them clearly as I thought there was a whole other section ahead of us....but there was not so that was the 1st thrill of the night, being so close! Sadly, Kate and Jessie couldn't go due to Kate being a cripple with a bad back so Kate passed on her tickets to my bosses hubby and his friend.
The show started with 1 set of all Heart songs...the beauty was there was no filler at all...all the hits and my favorites (Barracuda, Dreamboat Annie, Magic Man, Crazy On You, etc)...and while the 80's stuff is not my favorite Anne Wilson singing Alone was really nice, changed it up and I liked that version a lot. Man, that woman can sing....and at 64 to sound as good if not better almost 40 yrs later - amazing. The second set was all Led Zeppelin covers with Jason Bonham on drums...something magical about that, knowing this guy is sitting up there pounding away on his dead father's legacy...truly awesome...and Anne Wilson sings Led Zeppelin better than anyone, maybe even Robert Plant (haha) - seriously, I felt too uncool to be witnessing such coolness.
Really was an excellent time - just hearing Battle of Evermore live blew my fucking mind (I was too spazzed out to think about recording it unfortunately) - could have died right then. Best show in a long time....definitely one of the top 5 shows I have seen in my life. Paid for it the next day being a knee gimped piece of shit but...well worth it.
Today is Canada Day...Laundry is done...Kim was supposed to hang for the day but she had to work at the last second (rude) so she wont be here til dinner time for a short hangout. Boo. Feels like I haven't seen her in a long time...going to have to remind her to invite herself over and not to wait for an invite b/c I am a dick and get hermitized and never make plans sometimes.
I ventured out for my 1st walk in ages on Sunday, knee was up to it finally so off I went to explore my new neighborhood a bit - more specifically the lovely Gorge Waterway across the street. It is nice to live across the street from the ocean again. The Galloping Goose Trail is a nice for walking and also good for getting run over by cyclists if you forget to shoulder check before stepping off course (this has not happened to me yet, I have been careful!).The same day was the long awaited concert of my summer...the highlight for sure - Heart with Jason Bonham...had no idea before arriving that I had scored 3rd row floor seats...I was looking at the wrong seating chart when I bought them clearly as I thought there was a whole other section ahead of us....but there was not so that was the 1st thrill of the night, being so close! Sadly, Kate and Jessie couldn't go due to Kate being a cripple with a bad back so Kate passed on her tickets to my bosses hubby and his friend.
 |
| Nancy Wilson |
Really was an excellent time - just hearing Battle of Evermore live blew my fucking mind (I was too spazzed out to think about recording it unfortunately) - could have died right then. Best show in a long time....definitely one of the top 5 shows I have seen in my life. Paid for it the next day being a knee gimped piece of shit but...well worth it.
Today is Canada Day...Laundry is done...Kim was supposed to hang for the day but she had to work at the last second (rude) so she wont be here til dinner time for a short hangout. Boo. Feels like I haven't seen her in a long time...going to have to remind her to invite herself over and not to wait for an invite b/c I am a dick and get hermitized and never make plans sometimes.
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