Fish in a Barrel

There is always a weird darkness to my relationships with men...that thought just occurred to me so I thought I would start rambling on here and see where it went.

I am not sure if that darkness is my own...or part of the generally ridiculous pair ups I get myself into. Perhaps it is my own inability to communicate honestly in a relationship that creates this hue...my inability to trust and commit...the full on fear of shared intimacy...not sure...it certainly cannot be helpful in that I generally end up with broken fucking assholes with even less self awareness than sidewalk chalk. My last attempt at having a relationship (AKA The Year of Severe Inconvenience) taught me a lot of things about myself...mainly that I could easily live my life to the end not in another relationship. That is no exaggeration either. I am 100% serious. I am laughing as I type this but it is really true.

It's been so long since I have been on here blathering...shameful blogger am I!

Ms A. is loving her new life in Australia...there is talk of possible sponsorship via her employer come December....I immediately panicked when she told me that b/c that means she gets 4 yrs there to work...but then I shook my head and had a chat with myself: What is your problem dummy? This is what you worked for...for her to be strong and independent and do adventurous things, live life and have a wonderful time doing it.

Then I was OK....and even a little excited for her. She is moving into an apartment with 2 friends Aug 1...its a great little place that comes with weekly maid service. MAID SERVICE! Are you kidding me. Sign me up and start with all this cat throw up the cat kindly left outside my door at some point while I slept. She is doing well and learning a lot living on her own - it is a great thing.

What the hell is going on with airplanes this year...? Bombed by Russian rebels...hijacked by weirdo pilots...random crashes...bad weather crashes...JAYYYZUZZZZZZZZZ so much for ever flying at ease again ffs. So much death in the news these days...Israel needs to step the fuck down. Shooting missiles into Gaza is like shooting fish in a barrel...real slick you bunch of bullying whiners. The mainstream media has crawled up Israels ass and reports from there, I am pretty sure. So tired of this fighting BS around the world - and now our eejit Prime Minister has decided to write an editorial about his pissiness against Russia...why is a PM writing an editorial about anything never mind  something to do with foreign policy and a current world issue? It seems like he is trying to sway the population against Russia pretty intensely. I am not in love with Russia at the moment but I am pretty tired of wars started by western countries who basically just kill a bunch of women and children and do shit all to make anything better. I have an American Republican friend on FB who is a serious Muslim hater (I just ignore those posts and skip over them entirely) - I really like her but man she is so full of hate b/c her nephew was killed in Afghanistan - he signed up for that and it is shitty and terrible that he died...but to hate Muslims for it when FAR MORE Afghans were killed in that occupation than US soldiers...I do not quite understand her reasoning of it all. We all have biases...I certainly do and I am pretty aware of them b/c I am puzzled by my own reactions to people and situations b/c of them. Education usually solves mine...the more I learn about something I have a natural bias against the less of a bias I feel. Truth is people in general annoy me - hardly matters where they are from.



Been watching some great documentaries these days on Netflix...

HOT COFFEE about tort reform in the US and shows you corruption at its absolute finest in the US
HOT COFFEE WIKI PAGE

NIKOLA TESLA Master of Lightning WATCH HERE
Fascinating person he was...I think he had a touch of Autism or something...he was a weird dude but quite amazing. His social retardation really hindered him in so many ways...would be interesting to see what he could have done had he taken care of business instead of making so many other ppl stinking rich.

Going to make myself leave the house tomorrow and go see WISH I WAS HERE. I friggin love Zach Braff - ever since GARDEN STATE came out 10 years ago and became one of my favorite movies I have been waiting for him to make another one. I love that he writes the movies, directs them and stars in them...very full circle. Love it. Being in recluse mode has made my movie going suffer. Want to see the new Planet of the Apes movie too quite badly...I wish summer would just fuck off.

I have a million more things to say but I forget.

Reluctant Breeder

Words spoken by my Aunty Pam about 18 yrs ago have been echoing through my head all week....esp last night and this morning....b/c I finally truly understand it. I didn't at the time b/c my girl was still little and lovely and the apple of my eye (whateverthefugg that means)...she said if she could go back and choose again she would have no children...not regretting having the 2 she had at all...but knowing the pain, struggle and agony involved in loving someone more than yourself...she would opt out faced with the choice. I get it...I finally truly get it and would make the same choice.

A. landed in Quito last night at 945pm...I assumed I would get a msg from her from the hostel as she was being fetched from the airport by someone at the hostel....but I heard big fat nothing...so I assumed then it was just so busy and crazy and she hadn't slept the night before she was just tired and crashed....I have emailed the hostel...left a msg at the hostel and just now called the hostel and got a person on the phone who spoke no English...so I cannot even confirm she is there. She flies out to Manta at 1245pm her time (1045 am here)...so all I can do is sit here hoping that she will msg me before her flight or at the very least when she lands with her friends...this is seriously fucking disgusting. I have no idea how other ppl deal with this shit but all I know is I.........

 <<INSERT AWESOME FACEBOOK MESSAGE BLERP SOUND HERE>>

7:33 am: Thank you flying spaghetti monster...all is good with the sprog...she got in late to the hostel and everyone was asleep so she went to bed...she messaged me and we chatted on FB before she left for her taxi to the airport to fly to Manta to meet Niamh and Dylan...I will really feel 1000x better once they are all together.

Not gunna lie...Ativan is very disappointing...perhaps it takes the edge off during a "panic attack" I don't know...but it did shit all for me Sunday....made me a little subdued but it was hardly a magical cure for real feelings which is what I was going for...I guess heroin is always an option in desperate times. Hopefully I will never become that desperate to turn my brain off.

The last 2 days have been so emotional and stressful on top of the last few weeks of impending doom...I am considering becoming a weed smoker...and exploring exactly how one is supposed to conquer the only real fear they have....? How do you surrender to that...? How do you get to a place where it doesn't take hold of your whole psyche and suck the logic and life force from you? Fear is the mind-killer....no truer words have ever been written or spoken.

Surrender...must study the art of true surrender over things you cannot control...and prevent being eaten alive by my own fear and psychological decrepity/decrepency (new words a la Jen? haha) Time to relax...maybe sleep even finally....a good stretch of sleep might make all the difference in the world to me right now.

BE GOOD TO MY BABY ECUADOR!