One Year

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of the passing of Taylor Magnusson...pretty solemn day in my head – especially knowing that Tere was dealing by spending the day with her sisters and friends doing a little memorial thing for Taylor. The impending doom of the anniversary certainly took its toll on her...I find sometimes the lead up to these anniversaries is worse than the actual date itself...I quite often find myself peaceful on the date...almost like you prepare for it so well by the time it arrives you are insulated somehow.

I have been reading a lot about the effects of antidepressants on certain groups of people. The incidences of people having just started or who were on antidepressants involved in murder/suicides is incredibly alarming. This number is not a LOW number either...in Taylor’s case I am convinced his suicide was related to the effects of an antidepressant he just started. In all truthfulness, I don’t think most of these prescriptions are necessary – having been on anti depressants myself in the past I can say with clarity they were counter-productive. Don’t get me wrong, they did what they were supposed to do for me...I was ‘even’, experienced less extremes in emotion and was essentially myself but the best of myself as far as maintaining mood control etc. Nothing wrong with that...right? Well actually there is something wrong with that...for all the time I was on the medication I spent that time not dealing with the behaviour and feelings and prolonging the inevitable really. Unlike many ppl I was not on them long – I never felt ok about it...even while enjoying the feeling of emotional stability for the 1^st time ever. They alter your brain...and even when it is good I could not help but feel extremely fucked up about that. The eye twitch made it very easy to kick the draw towards artificial stability...who the hell wants a gawd damn eye twitch? NOT I.

I was certainly a best case scenario...but let me tell you...those so-called “rare” side effects like serotonin syndrome are not so rare and completely downplayed by physicians...and in turn under reported b/c I can assure you in the case of Taylor Magnusson – the fact he had been on a new antidepressant, prescribed by his grandmothers Dr...and went out with such uncharacteristic violence no one thinks to question the therapeutic levels of antidepressant in his system...it gets chalked up as just another suicide...

I have no doubt that many ppl find these meds to be life saving and feel their quality of life is improved by these...and you know what...good for you but there needs to be far more awareness and warning given to people being given these drugs...and some accountability...warnings especially younger people who it seems to affect more. Taylor had his whole life ahead of him, he was not the typical sad sack kid who battled mood problems his whole life...he was a funny, gentle hearted kid who held the hearts of many people and his horrifying and violent exit from this world is just terribly heartbreaking.

busy busy busy

Been a whirlwind of activity in Jen's world lately....

I hit the road (I am such a divine traveler) and went to Vancouver last Saturday...I spent 3 days with Tere which I had some anxiety about. I knew her house would be full of Taylor's things and pictures and also...Tere is obviously the walking wounded...I wasn't sure what was going to transpire...It was comforting to be surrounded by Taylor...and hear stories about him all weekend...it truly was. Against my better judgement I let Tere take me to his apartment where he died, outside - to see the memorial left there...it popped a cork I was not able to re-cork...after that I couldn't even look at his pictures without losing my shit...it is absolutely terrifying to be sitting across from a person who at that very moment is living your absolute worst nightmare, paralleling your life circumstances (single parent, an only child)...it is heartbreaking and the scariest shit I have ever seen...
In between my mindfuckery...we played scrabble...we watched terrible tv, talked, walked, fed bunnies at Jericho Beach, visited her sister, thrift stored and went to Bingo.

BINGO! That was funny...neither of us have played in about 1000 yrs so it was like walking into a whorehouse a virgin...ppl with this giant jade elephants beside them 4 good luck...playing 38745983758 cards while we struggled to keep up with the minimum of 3. hahaha We didn't win shit all (I blame the mumbling Asian bingo caller) but man we had FUN...sounds weird but it was really fun with Tere. Sounds like a new ritual to me!

Feeding the bunnies was a hoot...so many...and they are so tame. Tere's chihuahua 'Flea' is really entertaining and was a constant source of amusement for me...cutest & most neurotic dog I have ever met...

Tuesday I met up with Deanna and we had a fantastic day on Granville Street and downtown Vancouver...walking, eating and shopping until it was time to go to Tori Amos @ the Orpheum...turns out I had never been inside the Orpheum (I guess I was mixing it up with the Vogue Theatre)...once you see the Orpheum you don't forget it b/c it is truly beautiful....it makes the Royal Theatre here in Victoria look welfare...
I scored some kick ass records on my travels...the gem being my 1st record ever in grade 5 when I lived in Shaunavon, SK.......Pat Benatar's IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT....which I still love...this was a big deal...moving up from 8 Tracks to vinyl....that little plastic, red Melody Maker record played I got for xmas the year before was THE best gift I have ever been given in all my life...the solace and joy that thing gave me until I was 18 and graduated to a real stereo (thanks Pam!) is indescribable....which is why I am enjoying finding all these old records...

Xmas Eve...Sprog and I are having ppl over...Donna, Amanda, Erin, Alex and Kelsey....for food and old record playing! I have scored some gooders so far...Johnny Cash, Crystal Gayle...an old 80's K-Tel  CHART ATTACK record (hahaha) - and lots of 80's stuff (The GoGo's, etc) - it is gunna be a hoot.

Ayla did ok in my absence...she was sick most of the time and when I got home she seemed really happy to see me...exclaiming that it is hard to keep a house clean when you cook every day (no kidding!) but I was glad she did what I told her and cleaned as she went rather than leaving it all til the day I come home and shitting bricks trying to get the pig sty in order...I think she missed me a little...she has been really nice all week. haha

Eye Dr appt yesterday...ugh - Sprog-Grrl needs glasses so we went and got her a pair that will be ready next week (it was a 50% off sale so it was kinda perfect....)...I wanted to get her a pair from a store 1st like I did....then any other glasses after are coming from Zenni Optical for 30 bucks a pair or less...with this pair she will know what size works for her exactly so ordering is a lot easier...I am a little miffed the eye Dr doesn't give out your PD anymore without a 25.00 fee...assholes. Then Lenscrafters tries to tell you the PD they are giving you can't be used to order online b/c it is different with each pair of glasses.......I really cannot stand the whole money grubbing process...it makes me so irritated when ppl are trying to sell me something...or feeding me bullshit...the only comfort I got out of it was A. got a really nice pair of 800.00 glasses for 400.00...I get 250 back so that's better than a kick in the vag for sure.

Was Tracey's b'day yesterday so we hit a movie then shopped and hung out...was good despite my migraine that would not die yesterday...by about 7 pm it was finally gone but I was dead...I fell asleep before 10 pm and slept 8 hours which is rather odd for me.
Was nice to spend the day with Tracey though... :o)

Today I am cleaning my house...Prince is in town tonight...hope Alex feels a little better and can go and enjoy it for a few hours...she is in the middle of a shitty flu @ the moment....not good...
I am done with concerts for a while...this years been nuts...Sam Roberts, Matt Good, Liam Finn, Tori Amos...just in the mast 3 mths....ffs - I am not rich enough for that shit...time for a good healthy break...get Ayla ready for Cancun and grad...and I can get used to my new life without child tax credit. ARGG!!! Rude.

RIP Taylor

Tere & Taylor

I got a call late last night from my friend Tere. I knew immediately from the sound of her voice her son Taylor was dead, before she said it. I even knew why.

I met Tere & Taylor when I worked at the YMCA Daycare in Metrotown/Burnaby the year before I was pregnant. Taylor was this painfully cute little ginger boy with endless energy and a killer smile. Tere was a single mom, struggling to keep afloat in the big city of Vancouver...struggling with a boy who never tired and kept her hopping. She was beautiful - so petite and small in stature but made an immediate impression on me b/c she was tough and independent. At the time I had no idea I would be in her same position a few yrs down the line but when I was she was someone to emulate.

She was amazing with Taylor...her patience with him, her sense of humor about all the shitty things that would happen in life...she always smiled. It was clear where he got his smile from. Taylor was not your typical kid - he had some behavioral/learning issues, if I recall he was ADHD back before it was the popular diagnosis...she got him through high school and graduated...he did try living with his dad when he was a teen but he always came home to his loving momma...Tere worked with him and he got into BCIT! This is a HUGE achievement for someone who struggled to learn traditionally all through high school - he completed 2 years of his journeyman's ticket, was doing well...always smiling, made people laugh, nicest kid ever...He was living on his own and Tere would pick up his laundry once a week and make sure he had clean clothes...he would come to her place and "grocery shop" in her cupboards...he was on top of the world seemingly.

He had started taking some medication that for whatever reason did not serve him well. Tere was unaware that his Gramma took him to get a Rx for antidepressants...I don't know all the details and the coroner/toxicology reports are not in but it sounds like he was one of those rare cases where the medication works the opposite of how it is supposed to (spurring hallucinations, psychosis, suicidal behavior)...and I do not know where Taylor got a gun either but before it was all over there was a police stand off, shots fired at cars outside his house and a 20 year old kid dead by his own hand inside the house. He was clearly not himself.

Needless to say Tere is on autopilot. She drives places and doesn't remember driving there. He was her only child...she spent 20 years giving all of herself to him to ensure he was ok and did well and made the best of his abilities and she did a fantastic job. He really was a lovely kid and this sort of loss is impossible to get over or wrap your head around. It is completely fucking rotten and I am really worried about her...
It has taken her 3 weeks to start telling people who are not immediate family or in their vicinity...when she runs into ppl in the neighborhood who knew them she tells them he was in a car accident b/c she cannot bare to explain it all...she started driving her dog to a dog park far away so she would stop seeing familiar faces...can't say I blame her...she is in counseling thankfully...and is being encouraged to tell the truth...

Most every one's gone home now...and she is alone more often...now she is making the calls to the far away friends who knew Taylor letting them know he is gone...her heart is broken, she is a mess...all the meaning in her life is gone...and I do not know what to say to her b/c I do not know how the hell I would go on either.

I am home today - I couldn't face work looking like a puffer fish and being so raw...this brings up a lot of stuff about my brother of course - it will be 11 yrs he's been gone next Monday...it never goes away...the ugliness of grief...and losses like Taylor only magnify it and make it all the more crippling in your head and heart. It surrounds us...Wendy losing her son Jesse just 4 mths ago....that poor kid in Ontario this week at 15 who killed himself b/c he said he could not take another 3 yrs of high school nonacceptance and bullying...just b/c he was the only openly gay kid in school...seriously....fuck.

RIP Taylor...my favorite ginger boy...send some good vibes to Tere please...she is going to need them...xo