ded

the cool down begins....

thank you lord jesus of nazareth (the band) for cooling the weather to save me from the depths of my own despair.

i am currently wrapped in a towel after a shower sitting in front of a full blast fan...i was sick all day...i no this sounds fucked up but im finding with this whole new approach to eating to live rather than living to eat completely interesting! HA
i had a few days there where i was so ill and effed up i figured out i wasn't eating enough...this will make no sense to anyone who has never had food issues but it is a complete and utter mind fuck.

job status is still in limbo.
lotsa meetings and talking about what ifs but the budget is released in Sept. so i will find out if there will be a lay off in my autumn future.
i feel so tired and blah right now the thought doesnt even bother me ha!

423

why did i wake up at 423 am you ask? well.....apparently sleeping in the nude is too comfy b/c i fell asleep and stayed in the same spot for 5 hrs and it was a BAD position b/c i woke up CRIPPLED & theres no way i could go back to sleep.

walking to work this morning is gunna be fun.

hawt

MY CONDOLENCES TO ANYONE WHO HAS TO WORK OUTDOORS OR IN AN OFFICE WITHOUT AIR CONDITIONING.

IM IN CAPS BC ITS TOO HOT TO TAP THE CAPS LOCK KEY.

THIS CANNOT LAST FOREVER SO ONCE ITS OVER ITS GUNNA BE SO FUCKING AWESOME I CANT WAIT!!!!!!

THEORETICALLY I SHOULD ONLY WEIGHT 65 LBS RIGHT NOW FROM THE SWEATING.

GOING TO HAVE SHOWER # 8 TONIGHT THEN TRY DESPERATELY TO SLEEP.

OH BY THE WAY MY KID IS AN ASS.

LOVE,

JEN THE MELTING LARD SCULPTURE XO

badness

its so hot my ice cubes melt b4 i can drink my water....
and my hair dries in 5 mins...

oh but at least we are alive right?









(that was my attempt at optimism)....

anyone who has to work out in this weather has my greatest respect b/c im pretty sure id quit.

pure love

I love it when I spend a smoldering sweaty Sunday killing myself to scrub my bathroom top to bottom...bleach and all...only 2 come home on Monday after work to find coffee grounds all over the bathroom.

The Counter

The Floor

The Toilet

The Tub

Every Surface.

Apparently one of those highly scientific beauty magazines wrote that if u rub coffee grounds on cellulite it goes away for a little while.

MAGICAL DISAPPEARING RIPPLY FAT....if only.

h ot hot hotototottt

so hot and humid out right now...truly gross.
i sure hope it breaks for the rest of the week....
forgot how disgusting humidity is...

but since i was home bound all day and sweaty anyhow i decided to go gangbusters and do some serious house cleaning and organizing....
if yer gunna have sweaty tits anyway u may as well get some shit done.

also made a few calls...called adele for her birthday...had some good laughs about our stupidity of the old days...
connie called and it was good to hear she is doing well...fingers crossed she gets the job shes gunning for!

friday night Ryan McMahon was AWESOMEEEEEEE as always...he is a witty fucker on top of being an amazing songwriter...



I love how when Road Signs starts Donna starts to clap excitedly saying its her favorite HAHAHAHA I LOVE U DONNA!



More here for you....

BIRTHDAY!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADELE!!!!!!!!!!!

melt...down...TOWN...BROWN....

Here is my dilemma...

It is looking very much like lay offs are happening in the gov't Ministry I work for...I have looked into it...you get 4 weeks notice...that's 1 month to find another job. That's not really enough time.
It sounds like the lay offs will happen in the fall and it's not that far off...

I am struggling terribly in my head b/c at the end of July the 1st payment for Ayla's trip to France comes out of my bank....500.00.
I have all the $ for her trip already...its in my bank...and once the payments start coming out for it I wont get all of it back if I cancel. I have already paid a 300.00 non refundable deposit.

So...do I cancel the trip now b4 I put any more $ into it that I wont get back b/c I might get laid off and might have to take a job and earn less if I do get laid off....OR do I just go ahead as planned let the payments come out and consider the money NOT THERE for consideration of any sort? Keep in mind thats all the $ I have in the world...and if its not there I have nothing to fall back on.

I want her to go...more than anything...but I can't help but panic at the prospect of being in between regular pay chqs...that trip $ could get us through 2 incomeless months...but then wtf...if it doesnt happen or I got a job right away the trip opportunity is lost.....

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK

Then im shitting b/c what if I look for jobs right now (I did apply for 4 jobs up at UVic today most of which were 1 yr temp jobs)....and happen to get one....leave this one (that I actually quite love) out of fear and then it turns out I shouldn't have....? It is not all that easy getting into a gov't position so leaving prematurely seems VERY risky but....what if there are no fucking jobs for me when I do get laid off and im FUCKED....?

I don't have a partner to get me though a rough patch...I can't pick up and move Ayla out of Victoria...I am positive my friends and family would ensure our survival but the prospect of going *backwards* is a daunting one for me...plus I am a high strung neurotic human who clearly doesn't deal with stress very well...

I feel like cutting off every non-essential thing out of sheer panic....my anxiety level is through the roof....even though I know logically I should not be shitting the bed over something that hasn't happened yet...there are so many what if variables & risks my head is spinning...

10:20 PM:

OOkkkay...Aunty Pam talked me down...I am off the ledge.....plan is to let go of the trip....cancel it...maybe if things don't go down the shitter we can just take a trip somewhere like Cuba or Mexico with the $....but France isnt going anywhere...

With that $ in the bank I can relax & not panic/freak out about the lay off as much....and I will just toddle about my life/work and if I get the lay off letter then I am set up to take some time to sort my shit out until EI starts or a new job starts............

I can NOT imagine how ppl survive lifes uncertainty with debt hanging over their heads...if I had a mortgage or car payments I would be in a straight jacket....I swear.

How did you like that text panic attack? I have been crying all day...this is the 2nd time in a week my Aunty Pam has had the displeasure of me sobbing on the phone (I spared u Cathy b/c you have your hands full already haha)...I AM FUCKING LUCKYYYYYYYYYYYYY TO HAVE AUNTY OPTIONS WHEN I NEED ADVICE AND AN EAR...I love you auntys!

I am going to shoot heroin now to relax...ok not really but fuck.

Oh I have decided to get FEAR IS THE MIND KILLER tattooed on me somewhere...

ha!

So after work im walking down the street today and I see from a ways away some stupid girl at the bus stop toss a bus booklet into the road and walk away...so I must have had a "you are a littering piece of shit" look on my face b/c she stopped me...so I took my earphones out ready for a confrontation and this is what happened:

 

Me: what?

 

Her: I was just downtown and ate some noodles and chicken and shit man.

 

Me: cool

 

Then she turned around and kept walking.

foul

....gawd...i lost the lotto in genetic temperament man...bad.

Jimmy is The Man!

CLICK HERE

No Doubt!

PHOTOS HERE

hey baby hey baby hey

I think Donna scored us some good seats for the No Doubt show tomorrow night....might even get to rub titties with Gwen....
NOTE TO SELF: put the TICKET in your wallet TONIGHT so you dont leave without it tomorrow dumbass!!!

Should be an interesting quicky trip.....fancy shmancy hotel...3 teenagers in the back seat set to shop themselves stupid(er)...

Hummingbird Proof...way up here they still come to visit and slurp my sexy bitch sugar water!

The YAM TREE LIVES ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

FYI

Mothering Rhymes With Smothering

There is a fine line between mothering and smothering...all depends on who you talk to, who is doing the smothering/mothering and who is on the receiving end.
We all have our ideas about what is right & wrong when parenting and I now personally believe that no one can ever have an opinion until they've felt the stabbing heartbreak of losing their once sweet child to the grips of teenage-ism.

OF COURSE it is not comparable to death but it is a grieving process all the same...you grieve the loss of the sweet kid who loved you unconditionally, who slipped you love notes, who would pat you on the back or hug you when u were sad...you would do anything for that kid...even kill.
Now...when faced with that kid growing up into a teenager/young adult you still have all those feelings of love, protectiveness, fierce loyalty...and they suddenly can hardly find the strength to look at you let alone piss on you if u were on fire.

It is an adjustment I admittedly have not been smoothly transitioning into.
I am pretty self aware and realize that much of it has to do with my own neurosis' & needs as a human...I recognize that my identity is based on being someones mom...and when all that comes crashing down and u get stabbed in the throat with the realization that RIGHT NOW your kid hates your guts and is up to gawd knows what and you are essentially powerless it is a bit of a mindfuck.

Let's review some of the things I did not do as a parent:

I never once shoved my kid into a microwave - as a joke or a photo op or just to see what would happen.I never once tried to make her eat a chicken leg as an infant or feed
her a bottle for that matter.
Never shook her....even when I felt like it.

I never threw away her honest notes...like the last one from June 30 2009 that was left on my desk:
MY MOTHER'S FUCKING INSANE.

Nope...kept that one...it is still posted on the fridge.

Never woke her up with a blow horn....NOT ONCE.

Never took her to see strippers.

I never even made her sleep in a crib for fucks sake....

I think I buckled her up right but now I am not so sure b/c I never had a car the rules about this seems way more intense then they were 15 yrs ago so I was likely totally in the wrong on that one when we were in cars.

Never duct taped her to a wall...even when I wanted to.

Never lifted her up by the head....I only ever did that to my little sister Kimmy.

Never locked her in a dog kennel, even if it was justified.

Never ONCE let a stranger nurse her...especially a guy.

Never let her try smoking cuz it was *cute* or drink beer as a toddler...

Never let her mainline Coke...powdered or otherwise...

I have never tossed a random lizard in her bath when she was little even if I do think that would be the funniest fucking thing to video tape.....

And yeah I may be fat and be a spectacle to walk down the street with but I never shaved my head and raged at the paparazzi with an umbrella so....whatever....

What to do...what to do...you don't stop loving them ever even when they are heinous little pieces of shit to you...even when they are complete and utter dirt bags to you....you would never be friends with or tolerate anyone else in the world treating u as poorly as your kids do at times....which is why it is so hard to deal with.

You dont want to over-react about things....but u dont want to under-react either...
You can't win for losing...you can't.
It is a cross your fingers and hope for the best scenario and I am SO VERY POOR at that...
this shit is too important to leave up to chance...fuck if that was what it was going to come to why did I go to such great lengths to ensure she always safe & protected & loved up until now....?
Oh that's right b/c the universe KNEW this day was coming and the stronger base they have the better they will weather it...yeah that's right.
Not much comfort.


NO COMMENTS PLEASE.

meh

2 more days til the weekend...
3 more til titty rubs with gwen stefani...

in a bit of a coma tonight...
gunna do my blog sweep shortly...do u guys have a routine reading blogs?

i have a folder where i keep the shortcuts of all the blogs i read...and frequently visit them to look for updates...
everyday mostly i check...most ppl don't blog daily so it doesn't take long.
its always a treat to check in and see someones posted...weeeeeeeeeeeee!!

i often wonder if the internet has made me more dependent on non human (internet) interaction for the purpose of *connecting* with ppl OR if the internet aids ppl like me in *connecting* on a level i wouldnt be able to otherwise.... THINK THAT OVER. might be a bit of both really at the end of the day...

gawd i wish this building had a fucking pool in the basement.
jesus christ id have a different life.

michelle b is off seeing the new harry potter flick with her brood...
im sure itll be good...amy and her family are already back from it and said it was pretty damn good...
i saw the 1st one...or maybe it was the 2nd one...when it came out but havent seen any since...
ayla never got into the books at all sadly...otherwise i might have read them too...

Maureen

h..a..p..p..y..b..i..r..t..h..d..a..y..l..a..d..y..!!!!!!

orgy of stupidity

insane in the membrane

why did we have kids again?

ohhh that's right we were fooled into thinking how fulfilling and wonderful it would be.

anyway...

nothing new around these parts...work is becoming my new favorite place b/c there are no teenagers there...just adult idiots.

i have a new douglas coupland book to read right now that i bummed off Erin...so im in my glory...must read a bunch tonight to induce serious escapism.

its cool and windy tonight...perfect night...

facebook rule:
im not letting myself get to 100 friends again....there was a point where i was over 200 and that seemed soooooooo stupid b/c i dont have anywhere near 200 friends and dont care to have that many pretending we are friends so....i went on a delete binge months ago and now have it @ 98...and thats the rule...if I add one once im at 99 then I delete one...so to add one i will have to really like the person cuz itll mean someones getting sacked.

i have no idea why i play these games with myself.

my teeth hurt.
i need an artistic outlet VERY badly right now....
rage rage rage.....maybe its prozac time again to get me through summer without beating my kid to death...?
i hate feeling so prone to rage and violence...my logical self is appalled at my own behaviour sometimes...my though processes escape me entirely and warp into this fury of grossness...

ugh....

fuck i must be severely premenstural right now....

thank you

FOR BEING BORN!!!!!

Happy Birthday to my lovely friend Michelle B today!!!

xoxoxoxo

Bruno

oh-my-fuck....

do not take children to this movie...there is so much cock in it...like full frontal close up penis...
I laughed so hard I near peed.....

The sad this about it is so many of the yahoos that see this movie laugh along and I think miss the point that they aren't making fun of gay ppl...they're making fun of intolerant ppl...homophobes and christians...that's my perception anyway...

The Christian Gay Converters in this movie are fucking hilarious bc they are so RIDICULOUSLY ignorant and think they are completely reasonable.
The part where he is trying to HEAL the Israeli/Palestinian conflict...ohhh good gawd........

I will shut up now b/c I know Abu is yawning his face off over this.

control

This is mind boggling....a big fuck u from beyond the grave...
I am not often shocked by many things but this is amazingly fucking malicious.

One of my oldest and dearest friends, Connie, recently got an interesting item in the mail....but lemme back track a little and share some history (ive asked her permission already)...

When Connie was 8 her dad murdered her mom. She was instantly an orphan - her mom was dead and her dad was in jail. Her family - as she knew it - was obliterated. She was the youngest, her other 4 siblings were mid to late teens...she was sent to live with a paternal aunt who was a cruel bitch and would eventually send her off to live in a Kansas Roman Catholic Boarding School until Connie & I met 5-6 yrs later.

In the mean time her father did a 10 yr jail stint....complete with "family trailer visits" etc so they could all go and be a "family" during holidays and such....
The years following her mothers murder all but 1 sibling cut off contact with their father. Connie waffled...being that she was daddy's little girl her whole childhood she felt a very real connection to her father but was so mind fucked by it all that it was not easy to maintain any connection to any of her family, not just him.

Years passed, eventually Connie came to a place where things were clearer for her. Having babies does that to you. She started talking to her dad a while ago...sending him pictures of her babies, asking him questions about how she was as a kid, etc. Feeling good about it finally.

He died a few months ago. She was very glad they were in contact, she felt at peace with him - as much as you can when something like this happens in your family....but really felt like it was put to rest.

Then she got a registered letter in the mail this week...weird...she wasn't expecting anything....she thought maybe her dad had left her a letter...or a journal...pictures...etc...she opens it....reads it.

$10.00

That's right people. Her inheritance from her fathers estate. 10 bucks.

And no it's not a matter of that's all that was left after the debts were paid....ohhh no this was a deliberate amount of $ left to her by her dear fucking father.

She called her siblings to see if they received similar letters. Jury is still out on that but....back to the point at hand....

$10.00

Apparently he never understood why only 1 of his 5 kids was able to forgive him (...and I will say the 1 kid who did stay in touch with him has spent the last 30+ yrs drunk and isn't really all that coherent)...
I guess Connie's sporadic efforts over the span of her 30 yrs as a motherless daughter were not considered a valiant enough attempt to forgive him.
I guess Connie's own very intense and pain-filled existence was not really a concern of his...or the fact she put herself through school to get her Masters in Clinical Psychology without him lifting a finger to help her...I guess Connie being orphaned at 8 yrs old wasn't seen as that big of a deal to him...

So...here we are full circle...her dad made a point to let Connie know even after his death that his needs and feelings trumped hers and since she would not ever fully comply with his wishes she garnered a 10 buck inheritance. 40 quarters for a lifetime of pain and betrayal....

Ron Greshner...my message to you...you get what you pay for old man - fuck you.

fuck yeah!

KELLY GOT ME A NEW PEN!!
AND MAGGIE GOT ME A NEW FROG BROOM!!!!!
IT'S FUCKING XMAS!!!!!

Visit!

Oh u sweet little noodle!

He is a pudge and a smiley baby!

Yawnnnnnnnnnnnn

Madelyn's Cha Cha Dress I found her in Chinatown...I was looking for the cheesiest dress and I think I found it hahahaha

Looking so unenthusiastic hahahaha

hawt damn

Well....what an interesting weekend.

Saturday - hot donna and hot arika and i went to donna's dog agility class...boring but the good company saved the day...when its this hot nothing you do is all that awesome so good company is essential.
hung out most of the afternoon...then went home to cool off....
that night i went out with sahwn, thought seeing the new transformers movie would be distractionary....
on the way home his new iphone was the center of a good laugh...he was telling me about its voice recognition abilities and that they were still working out the kinks so I yelled HELP ME! to the phone and it tried calling a friend of his...
then I told him to ask it who the next person to suck his weiner would be....ITS LIKE MAGIC 8 BALL FUN AT THIS POINT! - it came up as user unknown or something and we near pissed ourselves laughing hhahaha so he asked it who would suck my dick next and it popped up some random # that belonged to no one in his contacts HAHAHA ohhhh things are soooo funny when u are bagged tired at 120 am haha

Tomorrow some family is coming down from nanaimo....aunty pam, maggie, baby sidlet and madelyn...will be nice to visit and get some baby sniffing time in...can't wait to see Sidlet all chubby and cute! And Madelyn is always a hoot!

BALLS

please oh please mother nature don't make it so hot out today....i'd actually like to leave the house today...
the last 2 days have been a little beyond my scope of temperature comfort...it sez the high today is 21...that I can live with....anything hotter and i get comatose...i wouldnt do well on a tropical vacation i dont think.

all i can smell is the fermenting pineapple skins in the garbage...and yes when i bucked up that pineapple last night i thought of turtles again....*pout*

MANTRACKER was on last night thank gawd...friday night date night is BACK ON!!! they even showed ass last night....those 2 dipshits MOONED the mighty mantracker....so i was glad he caught them at the end....idiots.

this weekend i have no plans except for Monday i think I score a visit from some family complete with babies and preschoolers! WOOHOO!
i dunno what to do with myself this weekend...i have got to go walking though...find a shadey little spot and read a while...I finished my 3rd Douglas Coupland book last night...sigh...im always sad to see them come to an end...they are like crack to me...pure escapism from my own miserable existence.
i could be a character in one of his books...i almost was in the Eleanor Rigby novel...Liz & I were a little similar haha

My lovely friend Donna waxes ppl for extra $...needless to say she has seen a lotta pussy for non lesbian...this one older lady she waxes (EDIT: legs not cooch) has been a conversation piece as of late....the last 2x Donna's waxed her shes FARTED (EDIT: when shes lifted her leg up for waxing.)
You read right....
Donna thinks its just cuz shes a bigger lady...but im thinking NO WAY...this chick as some weird fart fetish....
The 1st time Donna didnt freak out this lady was in love....and now itll be a trend....
when she waxes her next we will see...if she farts a 3rd time then i am convinced shes a Fart Fetish Freak.

Off to the great unknown with Arika and Donna today....

friday morning

Friday July 3 2009 here....

Went and saw Public Enemy last night...Ohhh Johnny Depp...you should run the world...I thought it was exceptional...helped not knowing the whole story or the details of how it ended as well....


Shawn's mom died yesterday quite suddenly...she was only 54... :o(
Hearing about stuff like that puts a lot of things in perspective. This is usually a welcomed thing for most ppl...not so fun when you are dealing with the loss at the time though...
That bit of news likely saved Ayla's life last night...

I am in awe of the teenage mentality...and how it lacks even minimal common sense...esp in my jerk of a kid...I truly stand in awe and stare at her often b/c I can't believe how friggin insane she is.
Sigh...it is gunna be a long long long summer...

RIP Shawn's Mama....xo

click on the pic to read it