I am awake after already going to bed b/c I got to thinking about how many ppl would be directly affected by my death. Lovely morbid bedtime thoughts, I know. Having lost 2 friends/peers my age this year it is hard to not 'go there' from time to time, pondering ones existence, especially b/c these 2 ppl in particular were very lovely ppl...their deaths affected many...Barb had a very active online life and also b/c she lived in many foreign/exotic places in her life she knew A LOT of people...the tributes to her on Facebook were awe inspiring...it all makes sense why I was so drawn to her - she clearly had that effect on many people. I hardly had the opportunity to get to know her before she fell ill and I cannot help but feel regret and the sting of that loss. Deanna was a friend for a long time and I knew her extremely well on many levels...the last 5 years she drifted into another phase in her life that I was not really party to but the bones of our friendship were still there b/c when we did see each other she shared with me things she didn't share elsewhere...I consider that an honor.
People love to tell me things...that their husbands are secretly gay, that motherhood was not a passion for them but an obligation, that they are closet alcoholics,extramarital affairs they are having...I am not sure what it is about me that ppl feel compelled to share such intimate details about their lives but when I do die a lot of secrets are dieing with me I can tell you that.
Interestingly...I rarely tell ppl anything about myself. I have a stealth talent of not really answering questions about myself and diverting conversation when I do not feel "share-y". It isn't that they aren't worth of knowing things - sometimes I just cannot stand to hear myself talk about the shit that goes on in my head 24/7. Maybe that is why I am such an information sponge...soaking up other ppls details and stories to distract me from my own brain stew...then there are these times when the moon and stars all align perfectly and I will tell something about myself in such a raw and exposed way that I don't think they even "get" it most of the time...my flippant nature makes these gory Jen jewels of inner secrecy seem like casual conversation...
Last week was extremely difficult at work. Coming back from vacation is like no other earthly torture...the workload is ridiculous so it was 5 straight days of not even having time to pee at work. I do not deal with stress well...I get pretty jacked up and easily agitated and am usually one added stress away from snapping and getting fired or tossed in jail. If they ever make brain scanners that show the homicidal thoughts ppl have in their heads...I am screwed. I suspect a lot of ppl will be in the same sinking boat as I would be in...we would all be fighting for the oars to bludgeon each other with.
Lots of purging going on here this week...A. got herself a TV and new bedroom furniture from Ikea...out with the old and in with the new...it is cute to see her so impressed with herself - basking in the newness of her possessions, mocking me for having old things that do not match...I just made 2 rather large purchases for myself recently...a new desk chair (200.00) and a new satchel (160.00) - unheard of purchases from Madam CheapAss over here...I really need a new desk chair...Aunty Pam's is good but it doesn't match my ass somehow so I do not last sitting very long...Plus A. will inherit it and it matches her room...and I have been looking for the right leather satchel for a while...and finally just said screw it and picked one since the ones that I loved the most at Sears (Fossil) were way over budget...another 1st world problem.
As I was typing about my yummy new bag the cat jumped on the table (::shakes fist::) and clawed at my bag...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! Little a-hole.