On Nights Like Tonight...

I am awake after already going to bed b/c I got to thinking about how many ppl would be directly affected by my death. Lovely morbid bedtime thoughts, I know. Having lost 2 friends/peers my age this year it is hard to not 'go there' from time to time, pondering ones existence, especially b/c these 2 ppl in particular were very lovely ppl...their deaths affected many...Barb had a very active online life and also b/c she lived in many foreign/exotic places in her life she knew A LOT of people...the tributes to her on Facebook were awe inspiring...it all makes sense why I was so drawn to her - she clearly had that effect on many people. I hardly had the opportunity to get to know her before she fell ill and I cannot help but feel regret and the sting of that loss. Deanna was a friend for a long time and I knew her extremely well on many levels...the last 5 years she drifted into another phase in her life that I was not really party to but the bones of our friendship were still there b/c when we did see each other she shared with me things she didn't share elsewhere...I consider that an honor.

People love to tell me things...that their husbands are secretly gay, that motherhood was not a passion for them but an obligation, that they are closet alcoholics,extramarital affairs they are having...I am not sure what it is about me that ppl feel compelled to share such intimate details about their lives but when I do die a lot of secrets are dieing with me I can tell you that.

Interestingly...I rarely tell ppl anything about myself. I have a stealth talent of not really answering questions about myself and diverting conversation when I do not feel "share-y". It isn't that they aren't worth of knowing things - sometimes I just cannot stand to hear myself talk about the shit that goes on in my head 24/7. Maybe that is why I am such an information sponge...soaking up other ppls details and stories to distract me from my own brain stew...then there are these times when the moon and stars all align perfectly and I will tell something about myself in such a raw and exposed way that I don't think they even "get" it most of the time...my flippant nature makes these gory Jen jewels of inner secrecy seem like casual conversation...

Last week was extremely difficult at work. Coming back from vacation is like no other earthly torture...the workload is ridiculous so it was 5 straight days of not even having time to pee at work. I do not deal with stress well...I get pretty jacked up and easily agitated and am usually one added stress away from snapping and getting fired or tossed in jail. If they ever make brain scanners that show the homicidal thoughts ppl have in their heads...I am screwed. I suspect a lot of ppl will be in the same sinking boat as I would be in...we would all be fighting for the oars to bludgeon each other with.

Lots of purging going on here this week...A. got herself a TV and new bedroom furniture from Ikea...out with the old and in with the new...it is cute to see her so impressed with herself - basking in the newness of her possessions, mocking me for having old things that do not match...I just made 2 rather large purchases for myself recently...a new desk chair (200.00) and a new satchel (160.00) - unheard of purchases from Madam CheapAss over here...I really need a new desk chair...Aunty Pam's is good but it doesn't match my ass somehow so I do not last sitting very long...Plus A. will inherit it and it matches her room...and I have been looking for the right leather satchel for a while...and finally just said screw it and picked one since the ones that I loved the most at Sears (Fossil) were way over budget...another 1st world problem.

As I was typing about my yummy new bag the cat jumped on the table (::shakes fist::) and clawed at my bag...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! Little a-hole.

Not the kind of update you expect once someone enters a hospice....wow.

Posted by Barb's husband, Amir:

Barbara has made a remarkable recovery in the past few weeks.
The doctors are a bit baffled and the oncologists said that they have not seen this type of recovery before. She truly came back from the brink and so they want to re-image her brain to see what is going on. Whatever it is we have been blessed in the past few weeks with having her present and able to communicate - it has been beautiful.
We believe that it is the power of all her friends' and family's prayers and good wishes and their love that has resulted in this gift. Whatever happens know that it all makes a difference and we are truly grateful. We accept the Universe's blessings. Al-hamdu-lillah!


However it works out I am grateful her family got more time with her...amazing really all things considered...I have taken note that the recent photos of her have her seeming so normal...!

Suckage

 

Just got word that Barb's chemo and radiation did not take and the tumor is bigger than ever...her son Naveed said she is in the hospital and will pass away peacefully and pain free...which I guess is some sort of fucked up blessing. Feel terrible for them all...terrible loss. No idea how long she has but it sounds imminent. I hope she won't pass on Naveed's birthday on the 4th.
This photo was taken by our mutual friend Denis Savoie who visited her a few weeks ago...captured her smile brilliantly...wouldn't think anything was wrong with her if you didn't know better.

Bad Cat

Barb

Ahh man poor Barb - back in for emergency brain surgery yesterday...apparently the 2 weeks since the tumor was removed it grew back 4x the original size...She called me today and left me a message...speech was better than it has been but still messed up but saying such lovely things...and being so positive and funny. I really do hope she can pull through this...such a beautiful lady.

Then of course the day of deep meaningfulness and reflection about what is truly important in life is marred by some self important narcissist who does little more than irritate me at every opportunity...you know the type...they think they are so interesting and think everyone hangs in their every word and move...and when they realize you don't the drama starts....no time for that - ohhh no. High school ended 25 yrs ago sister - piss off.

Off to the oral surgeon tomorrow to get A's follow up appointment over with...I am reallllly hoping there is no dry socket nightmare in there...how that appt goes will determine whether A goes to work or not...she figures she will go if the dentist doesn't mess with her mouth too badly...she is still in a lot of pain for it being a week later...gawd. Hoping this can ease up so she can resume life again...plus then maybe I could sit on the couch again and watch a tv show ahahhaha

Packing has started at work finally...Friday is our last day in the old office...Saw pics of the new office...I have nice windows...and a fine desk...despite having to be around ppl and THE ASSHOLE of course. Speaking of THE ASSHOLE ~ she is still an asshole. Don't worry - more stories to come about her in the weeks to come.

Dear Cat - stop messing with my tree you Jerk.

and onward we go...

Spoke to Barb the other night...she couldn't sleep...hospital noises. Not just run of the mill hospital noises either...people dying type of noise. Barb was fixated on a man across the hall, moaning his last moans while his family held vigil around him. It went on for a long while. Hard to maintain hopefulness when you are looking into the face of death yourself and hearing it just across the hall all night long.

Her speech was really affected by the tumor/brain swelling. I was finishing her sentences b/c she could not find most of the words she needed...steroids being one of them. She is on steroids to try to ease the swelling as the tumor is very close to a nerve they do not want more pressure on. She could not say steroids for the life of her...it was clearly affecting her reasoning and I am not gunna lie...it was a total mindfuck b/c that is not how she is. She is very articulate and well spoken...

Today she is getting barrage of tests...a CT scan being one of them...hoping they can provide her and her family with some concrete data to work with...sometimes not knowing is the worst...though I am afraid of the truth...she was saying her family history is riddled with cancer...

FACK!

The lovely Barb had some terrible news to share yesterday...what she thought were anxiety attacks and such has turned out to be brain cancer and possibly lung cancer as well. She is only 45. She has 3 teenage kids and a husband - they just moved from Vancouver to Toronto a few months ago...she is currently hospitalized, figuring out what stage she is at and how to proceed I would imagine.

Sure makes you wonder why the hell we all get uptight about stupid shit in light of such a shocking revelation. I don't even know what to say about it really...I am quite shell shocked by the news...especially b/c we are close in age and it is so friggin random - how can you not be rattled by it...in addition to feeling a lot of fear for her well being.

Fack.