On Nights Like Tonight...

I am awake after already going to bed b/c I got to thinking about how many ppl would be directly affected by my death. Lovely morbid bedtime thoughts, I know. Having lost 2 friends/peers my age this year it is hard to not 'go there' from time to time, pondering ones existence, especially b/c these 2 ppl in particular were very lovely ppl...their deaths affected many...Barb had a very active online life and also b/c she lived in many foreign/exotic places in her life she knew A LOT of people...the tributes to her on Facebook were awe inspiring...it all makes sense why I was so drawn to her - she clearly had that effect on many people. I hardly had the opportunity to get to know her before she fell ill and I cannot help but feel regret and the sting of that loss. Deanna was a friend for a long time and I knew her extremely well on many levels...the last 5 years she drifted into another phase in her life that I was not really party to but the bones of our friendship were still there b/c when we did see each other she shared with me things she didn't share elsewhere...I consider that an honor.

People love to tell me things...that their husbands are secretly gay, that motherhood was not a passion for them but an obligation, that they are closet alcoholics,extramarital affairs they are having...I am not sure what it is about me that ppl feel compelled to share such intimate details about their lives but when I do die a lot of secrets are dieing with me I can tell you that.

Interestingly...I rarely tell ppl anything about myself. I have a stealth talent of not really answering questions about myself and diverting conversation when I do not feel "share-y". It isn't that they aren't worth of knowing things - sometimes I just cannot stand to hear myself talk about the shit that goes on in my head 24/7. Maybe that is why I am such an information sponge...soaking up other ppls details and stories to distract me from my own brain stew...then there are these times when the moon and stars all align perfectly and I will tell something about myself in such a raw and exposed way that I don't think they even "get" it most of the time...my flippant nature makes these gory Jen jewels of inner secrecy seem like casual conversation...

Last week was extremely difficult at work. Coming back from vacation is like no other earthly torture...the workload is ridiculous so it was 5 straight days of not even having time to pee at work. I do not deal with stress well...I get pretty jacked up and easily agitated and am usually one added stress away from snapping and getting fired or tossed in jail. If they ever make brain scanners that show the homicidal thoughts ppl have in their heads...I am screwed. I suspect a lot of ppl will be in the same sinking boat as I would be in...we would all be fighting for the oars to bludgeon each other with.

Lots of purging going on here this week...A. got herself a TV and new bedroom furniture from Ikea...out with the old and in with the new...it is cute to see her so impressed with herself - basking in the newness of her possessions, mocking me for having old things that do not match...I just made 2 rather large purchases for myself recently...a new desk chair (200.00) and a new satchel (160.00) - unheard of purchases from Madam CheapAss over here...I really need a new desk chair...Aunty Pam's is good but it doesn't match my ass somehow so I do not last sitting very long...Plus A. will inherit it and it matches her room...and I have been looking for the right leather satchel for a while...and finally just said screw it and picked one since the ones that I loved the most at Sears (Fossil) were way over budget...another 1st world problem.

As I was typing about my yummy new bag the cat jumped on the table (::shakes fist::) and clawed at my bag...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! Little a-hole.

Mmmmm Titty Raisins

I quite often find things in my bra....popcorn, raisins, nuts, crumbs, etc. It is pretty typical...yesterday i was eating raisins at work and one went down and I couldn’t find it and wasn’t wanting to do a FULL INVESTIGATION since I was at work and its moments like that when a co-worker stealthily walks past your desk and it appears you are GROPING yourself. I thought it may have hit the ground and bounced out of my sight too.....I forgot all about it until about 8 pm last night while sprawled on the couch –I dug for it and THERE SHE WAS!! A salty moist and warm raisin...couldn’t get Graeme to eat it...but we did discuss how I would like to make something with it and give it to someone I don’t like to eat just for the snickering factor.

Watching the 2nd season of “THE IT CROWD” currently and it makes me laughhhhh omfg...I love it. (ADELE A COPY IS COMING FOR YOU!) Graeme also found the US version of the show so that should be interesting to watch and see if it’s even half as funny and clever as the UK version I am in love with. Then I think it will be a Father Ted Marathon...I am due to re-watch Father Ted....

I can’t wait until my kid is a grown up...my gawd I grow weary of the consistent shitty treatment from her...which I know I should not take personally but when you invest every waking moment into someone’s safety and well being it’s a little fucking difficult to detach in such a manner – I do not possess the ability to do that. I just don’t. It’s the get the fuck out of my life and leave me alone I can live my own life and don’t need you hovering being a pain in my fucking ass shit that gets me the most...Ohhh pardon me...you sure fucking manage to PUT UP WITH ME JUST FINE when I am doling out $ for FOOD SAFE and other such needed shit...ohhh yeah then she can treat me like a human being but if there is nothing to be gained – I am a pustule of grossness in her life. It is like being in an abusive marriage I think...to a degree...I am the 1st one to admit I over-think about a lot of shit where she is concerned b/c my own experiences as a teenager/kid are still very close to my emotional surface and I am horrified shit will be repeated inadvertently so I am always so fucking analytical...it annoys me. Ugg. It shall pass as per usual I am sure...until next time and I will post about how fucking pissed off I am again about the exact same gawd damn shit I have little to no control over....

Poor little Sidney is sick sick sick...his birthday yesterday was a bust...he has a terrible barf flu and has been generally unwell...it sounds pretty serious for such a little guy...I don’t think Ayla ever barfed for a week straight b4 THANK GAWD id have lost my gawd damn mind!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CARA TODAY – she is 2...and im sure her mom Connie has some special little wingding planned....and CAKE! Mmmmm cake. I could eat a whole white cake with chocolate icing right now...I COULD!!!!!!!!!! Omfg I could. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm cake...cake is my friend...it is a friend to my mouth but not to my ass.

It is so quiet in here today...ugh. And slow...I was so bored I read through someone’s adoption folder and found it very interesting that the couple make about 20K each per year but they have 300K in the bank, property in India and 4 other accounts that total about 100K – and ZERO debt with a house worth 800K. Ummm HELLO!!!!!!!!!!! How did ya manage that!???!?!?!?! I am in awe of other ppls financial lives...mainly b/c mines so fucking lame and limited I guess...I remember asking ppl as a kid how much money they made and my mom and step dad always scolded me for asking...I didn’t understand what the big deal was then or now really...ppl are so weird about bucking up that info...

Ryan McMahon is here this weekend – WOOHOO - ....will be nice to see him – this will be the 1s time as a dad! Ohh I wonder if Cathleen will come too and bring the baby??? Hmmmmmmmmm I better ask although I am sure she won’t I can dream.

Got a letter and goodies from my Aunt Isobel yesterday...she is the sister of my supposed biological father...I send her pictures of Ayla every year and write a few times a year to keep in touch...she sent Ayla a belated 16th b’day card with 50 bucks in it so that was more than generous considering we have never met before. The letter was full of bad news sadly...lots of death in the Chalmers family in the last few years...a few of my aunts and uncles I never met passed away along with my grandfather I never met...etc...I don’t know any of these ppl so it isn’t particularly emotional at all for me but I do feel a sense of loss in the fact that it’s just adding on to the pile of stuff I will never ever know about that side of the family. When my grandparents died I immediately had 384758937589374 questions for them and knowing that they were gone and never would be able to answer them really impacted me...it was all lost. It is like that when anyone dies, they take a lot of personal insight and info with them and as a person who is a gatherer of sorts I find this most disturbing.

Shawn is off to Cranbrook...exploring a VERY important job opportunity that would take him there for a year or 2 if he decides to do it...while I am happy 4 him I am also mortified...selfishly so. ::pout::

I want lunch...LUNCH!!! I have been wanting lunch for a gawd damn hour already......

seeing bats is just a PERK

Poor Amanda was sick yesterday so I worked 14 hrs alone...and that's ok b/c she was sick and shit happens so whatever....

but here...checking this out....it was fairly busy...plus everyone and their anteater needed change yesterday or to send western union....so I was on my feet pretty much the whole time...which again is ok as well...but...check this out [lol]...

I get a call at 10 mins to close from some fucktard saying he has to load his MasterCard and is gunna run over and plz plz plz stay open if he's a minute late...im thinking yeah f+ck u c+cks+cker....I've been here since 8 am....and its 10 to 9....

so wouldn't u know it....I have my safe balanced...my MasterCards, western union, chq deposit, money orders, interac, posa, drawer etc all balanced....

and IN WALKS a western union customer.

kill me now.

then in walked MasterCard guy....

but get this...he wants to load 3000.00 to his card and its all in small bills and F+CKING COIN...

I was biting my tongue off...and not only was he effing up my safe balance, dwr balance and various other paperwork he wouldn't let me count the money....he counted it all 1st....and he was dumb and couldn't count so....something that should only take 2 mins to f+ck all my shit up was a 15 min affair....then there's still western union guy waiting and then another person comes in to cash a chq....so that pretty much fucked up damn near everything.

At this point the MC guy was so f+cking annoying I was in near tears/blind raging fury and was quite a snatch to him, I even said, "you do know we have been open since 8 am this morning???????????? and you come at CLOSING to do this?"

I was not providing good customer service and i didn't give an F b/c if there had been NO ONE else in the lobby I would have called him a c+ck s+cking wanna be gangsta rejectard.

No witnesses....my word against his. F+ck off u twat.

So yeah I was slightly comforted by the fact everyone waiting in the lobby thought he was a real shithead...I may have beat him to death with the stapler if there was no glass.

So he finally leaves...its now 915 pm.

I do the western union.

I do the chq cashing.

I lock the door...by this time I am fucking raging and swearing and too tired to even throw anything.

So while REDOING everything....the computer is acting up and being a f+cktard...and the printer fucks up and is jammed with invisible paper....etc etc ON AND ON....so I finally leave and im thinking my next job is not going to be customer service.

ha ha ha ha ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG F++++CK!

OK so that's my rant....

This morning I am supposed to be in court 4 work only no one served me with papers so

I dunno what time or where until the court house opens at 830 am...I dunno what case this is even 4 so ?????

and I work 11-7 HA HA HA yeah im ditching early today...GUARANTEED!!!!!!