Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Reluctant Breeder

Words spoken by my Aunty Pam about 18 yrs ago have been echoing through my head all week....esp last night and this morning....b/c I finally truly understand it. I didn't at the time b/c my girl was still little and lovely and the apple of my eye (whateverthefugg that means)...she said if she could go back and choose again she would have no children...not regretting having the 2 she had at all...but knowing the pain, struggle and agony involved in loving someone more than yourself...she would opt out faced with the choice. I get it...I finally truly get it and would make the same choice.

A. landed in Quito last night at 945pm...I assumed I would get a msg from her from the hostel as she was being fetched from the airport by someone at the hostel....but I heard big fat nothing...so I assumed then it was just so busy and crazy and she hadn't slept the night before she was just tired and crashed....I have emailed the hostel...left a msg at the hostel and just now called the hostel and got a person on the phone who spoke no English...so I cannot even confirm she is there. She flies out to Manta at 1245pm her time (1045 am here)...so all I can do is sit here hoping that she will msg me before her flight or at the very least when she lands with her friends...this is seriously fucking disgusting. I have no idea how other ppl deal with this shit but all I know is I.........


7:33 am: Thank you flying spaghetti monster...all is good with the sprog...she got in late to the hostel and everyone was asleep so she went to bed...she messaged me and we chatted on FB before she left for her taxi to the airport to fly to Manta to meet Niamh and Dylan...I will really feel 1000x better once they are all together.

Not gunna lie...Ativan is very disappointing...perhaps it takes the edge off during a "panic attack" I don't know...but it did shit all for me Sunday....made me a little subdued but it was hardly a magical cure for real feelings which is what I was going for...I guess heroin is always an option in desperate times. Hopefully I will never become that desperate to turn my brain off.

The last 2 days have been so emotional and stressful on top of the last few weeks of impending doom...I am considering becoming a weed smoker...and exploring exactly how one is supposed to conquer the only real fear they have....? How do you surrender to that...? How do you get to a place where it doesn't take hold of your whole psyche and suck the logic and life force from you? Fear is the mind-killer....no truer words have ever been written or spoken.

Surrender...must study the art of true surrender over things you cannot control...and prevent being eaten alive by my own fear and psychological decrepity/decrepency (new words a la Jen? haha) Time to relax...maybe sleep even finally....a good stretch of sleep might make all the difference in the world to me right now.



Barbara Bruederlin said...

It's interesting that you and your aunt would make that choice. I actually would go the opposite way. I agree that there is a lot of pain and heartbreak in having kids, but I actually think having gone through that defines me in a way.
Regardless, so glad that you heard from yours!

~Jen~ said...

Well...it is weird...I mean if I KNEW I would have another Ayla obviously I would choose differently but...for me (I cannot speak for Pam) it has become incredibly clear over recent years I have very poor coping skills...I think I can say with 100% truth that this parenting journey - while the most worthwhile and satisfying thing I have ever done - that the responsibility, crushing feelings of failure and general fear on a daily basis have scarred me for life...haha I have a friend who had 3 kids by the time I had A. and her personality just let all that parenting shit roll off her back...she was not tortured by every decision, she didn't lose sleep over what ifs...she didn't spend countless hours planning and weighing pros and cons about any of it...she just lived her life and was happy as a lark...I cannot tell you how envious I have always been that she is of the personality type to just not think beyond her nose...you know what I mean...and its no insult...she put in very little thought and her 3 kids turned out fine...and she got to have a life and sanity to boot...if I was that type I would have had more kids...I knew from the very start that the daunting responsibility was just too much for me to add 1 more...as much as I hated A being an only child in a single parent family it just seemed irresponsible to gift that to her.....IN OTHER WORDS: if I wasn't so fucking damaged and fucked up I wouldn't find parenting excruciating. lol

Maggie said...

Mom tells me that all the time. She'd have no kids, live on an island, just being a carefree hippy. It doesn't insult me though because I get it too. I knew adding another to my family would be far more than I could take as other things would need to suffer in order to be the parent I want to be. And I'm not even talking about personal time and a social life; I mean the relationship I had with Sidney and with my business and the people working within it. But here I am (thanks husband of the year fail) and I wouldn't change it now but man oh man .. and they're only 4 and 4 months. Haven't been able to embrace the chaos yet but I have embraced the grey - counts right?

Maggie said...

PS. Yeah I know I'm a couple months behind on your blog

~Jen~ said...

It's funny b/c logically I can say I wouldn't choose it but how do you NOT choose it once your children stake claim on your heart? I mean...how do you pass that up if given the choice?! (I am prefuckingmenstrual right now clearly)